The fear of attraction

[Snackersmom]

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

 

[Lynx]

I dunno... I'm not afraid of it really, just seemingly oblivious.

Why do you reckon you're afraid of it? Scared of getting hurt if he dumps you? Afraid of the responsibility inherent in a relationship?

 

[Gideon300]

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

Yes. It can be a temperament trait, as it was in my case. I did not marry until my 30's. The marriage lasted 9 years and I remained single for 25 years. I married again October 2022. I was a total introvert and avoided getting close to anyone.

We need to learn to love ourselves. How can we love our neighbour if we do not love ourselves? We need to see ourselves as God sees us, new creations in Christ with nothing to fear and nothing to be ashamed of. When we get over ourselves, we will be free to commit to a relationship with another.

 

[Snackersmom]

I dunno... I'm not afraid of it really, just seemingly oblivious.

Why do you reckon you're afraid of it? Scared of getting hurt if he dumps you? Afraid of the responsibility inherent in a relationship?

Good questions . I'm not afraid of getting dumped. I guess the responsibility is a bit scary, I'm a free spirit who wouldn't be able to commit quickly or easily unless God intervened in an undeniable way. So part of it might be worrying that he'd pick up on the attraction and respond accordingly, then I'd have to either shoot him down or jump right in, and neither option is particularly appealing.

Yes. It can be a temperament trait, as it was in my case. I did not marry until my 30's. The marriage lasted 9 years and I remained single for 25 years. I married again October 2022. I was a total introvert and avoided getting close to anyone.

We need to learn to love ourselves. How can we love our neighbour if we do not love ourselves? We need to see ourselves as God sees us, new creations in Christ with nothing to fear and nothing to be ashamed of. When we get over ourselves, we will be free to commit to a relationship with another.

I do think it has something to do with my personality type. People say I can be hard to read and I do tend to suppress deeper emotions. So maybe attraction is just one more deeper emotion that I feel the need to keep to myself.

The self-hatred angle is interesting too, someone else mentioned that to me as a possible cause, along with pride (weird how they can coexist so well!). How did you change your view of yourself, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[RodB651]

We need to learn to love ourselves. How can we love our neighbour if we do not love ourselves? We need to see ourselves as God sees us, new creations in Christ with nothing to fear and nothing to be ashamed of. When we get over ourselves, we will be free to commit to a relationship with another.

I agree!..

The self-hatred angle is interesting too, someone else mentioned that to me as a possible cause, along with pride (weird how they can coexist so well!). How did you change your view of yourself, if you don't mind me asking?

During a recent men's group study, it was stated that "Harboring resentments is allowing someone to live inside your head rent free". It was asked what were my struggles in this area?.. Honestly, my resentments come from the younger me, the person I was years ago. The decisions etc.. that the younger me made still follow me today. I can't tell you how to change your view of yourself. You just have to do that. You have to change your view.

 

[Snackersmom]

During a recent men's group study, it was stated that "Harboring resentments is allowing someone to live inside your head rent free". It was asked what were my struggles in this area?.. Honestly, my resentments come from the younger me, the person I was years ago. The decisions etc.. that the younger me made still follow me today. I can't tell you how to change your view of yourself. You just have to do that. You have to change your view.

I'll have to think on this more...past experiences might be playing a part, but I don't think I have resentment towards men in general.

And if I'm being honest, I would like to have a close male friend to hang out with and go hiking, share some laughs, get logical advice from, etc. Some say that's wrong and would lead to sin or whatever so it's not something I'm trying to make happen, I'm just saying that I do value men and their perspectives. I'm just hesitant to jump into a commitment at this point in my life.

 

[tourist]

Yes. It can be a temperament trait, as it was in my case. I did not marry until my 30's. The marriage lasted 9 years and I remained single for 25 years. I married again October 2022. I was a total introvert and avoided getting close to anyone.

After my disastrous first marriage which ended in 1984 after 6 1/2 years, I was alone and celibate for the next 18 years; I was a total introvert too and really didn't allow anyone to get close to me. It wasn't worth the potential pain.

 

[Snackersmom]

After my disastrous first marriage which ended in 1984 after 6 1/2 years, I was alone and celibate for the next 18 years; I was a total introvert too and really didn't allow anyone to get close to me. It wasn't worth the potential pain.

Soooooo........what changed in 2002, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[tourist]

Soooooo........what changed in 2002, if you don't mind me asking?

The loneliness was too much for me to bear. Basically, I was just living for myself - get up, work, go home, eat, go to bed.

I prayed for God to find someone for me to love and for her to love me back.

Met a nice Christian woman on AOL Romance Christian Single chat room om 2002. Got married a few months later. Sadly, she died prematurely at the age of 59 in 2014. Met my present (and last) wife on this site who is also a member.

 

[Snackersmom]

The loneliness was too much for me to bear. Basically, I was just living for myself - get up, work, go home, eat, go to bed.

I prayed for God to find someone for me to love and for her to love me back.

Met a nice Christian woman on AOL Romance Christian Single chat room om 2002. Got married a few months later. Sadly, she died prematurely at the age of 59 in 2014. Met my present (and last) wife on this site who is also a member.

I'm so sorry about your second wife. It's really neat that you found love here though, congratulations to you both!

Since it sounds like introversion was a big hurdle for you, do you think that meeting online is what made the difference? I don't seem to have as much trouble talking to guys online or in text, it's just in person where it's really hard.

 

[tourist]

I'm so sorry about your second wife. It's really neat that you found love here though, congratulations to you both!

Since it sounds like introversion was a big hurdle for you, do you think that meeting online is what made the difference? I don't seem to have as much trouble talking to guys online or in text, it's just in person where it's really hard.

I believe that the online spectrum is a tremendous asset in the contemplation and going forward in an attempt to establish a loving and enduring relationship.

It can really broaden your horizons beyond what you can reasonably hope to experience with the potential prospects in your own neighborhood such as people at work or in the stores, or church. You can take your time to review the prospective spouses before a decision is made to actually attempt to initiate a relationship.

This is especially true for those that are introverts or shy such as in my particular case.

Of course, prayer is essential in this endeavor.

 

[Karlon]

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

1st, it may be your "Christian mental template" you conditioned yourself with long ago, especially with christian women. i'm assuming you are Christian. then, your Christian conscious, soul, spirit & mind you properly trained is telling you, "think, speak & act the right thing". so, being properly on guard, the woman's "natural, permanent, cautious, protective, spiritual guard" is properly in place, acting out righteously. ambivalence & doubt will enter your thoughts also. always know the devil will tempt you too. in your daily life, apply this rule, "be calm, loose, relaxed". this is where a conditioning of repetition really needs to be installed in the objeticve & subjective minds. being worried, tense, doubtful or negative can easily lead to the wrong decision. but 1st, get Doctor Jesus on the job! He knows the perfect man for you. cogitate on the "natural you" for a long while in a quiet room. do this many times. constant eye contact reduces fears. concentration & paying attention with the utmost sincerity also reduces fears. this training or retraining will take time. be willing to put the time in. these days with such expedient ways, it's harder to put the time in. as an actor practices, practice how you look & what to say before a potential date. men will always be pleased by looks. get yourself beautiful & pretty. always say a prayer before you meet a man. blessings to you.

 

[Sculpt]

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

I thought it was just me. In the past, seemingly without my conscience decision I would walk away and avoid a woman I liked, or even a woman who smiled at me. When it came to romantic first contact, I was very shy.

Our reasons for doing that may be quite different, but how to overcome it is very likely the same. Today is generally called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's explained well in youtube videos, which I encourage you to check out. You can even decide to see a practicing psychologist to develop a personal plan.

I can speak on how it might go for anyone. First step: You could start by praying and writing down why you do the behavior. Give it some thought for a few days. Address those reasons/fears with a mind to solve any of the issues. Example maybe you thoughtfully decide you're willing to take the effort to date and/or be rejected.

Next step would be neurologically rerouting your current thoughts (synapses) and knee-jerk reactions for these situations. You can do this by envisioning these meeting situations in your mind and you talk to this person rather than walk away. Do this repeatedly. Something in the order of once every day for a week, and then repeat twice a week for 3 months. You want to have a special journal for this; and write down any current real-life situations and thoughts, and your progress, including your visualization sessions.

Last step would be to actively put your visualizations into real-life practice. Seek out people you're interested in and talk to them. If there's any fears, psychological research is clear we overcome them through guided exposure. Guided here just means we very consciously stay aware of how our body is feeling, we tell ourselves we're going to be fine (which we will) and we're courageously experiencing it through steps and repetition.

 

[melita916]

My fear was not being attractive, so I guess the opposite problem 😅😂

 

[Snackersmom]

1st, it may be your "Christian mental template" you conditioned yourself with long ago, especially with christian women. i'm assuming you are Christian. then, your Christian conscious, soul, spirit & mind you properly trained is telling you, "think, speak & act the right thing". so, being properly on guard, the woman's "natural, permanent, cautious, protective, spiritual guard" is properly in place, acting out righteously. ambivalence & doubt will enter your thoughts also. always know the devil will tempt you too. in your daily life, apply this rule, "be calm, loose, relaxed". this is where a conditioning of repetition really needs to be installed in the objeticve & subjective minds. being worried, tense, doubtful or negative can easily lead to the wrong decision. but 1st, get Doctor Jesus on the job! He knows the perfect man for you. cogitate on the "natural you" for a long while in a quiet room. do this many times. constant eye contact reduces fears. concentration & paying attention with the utmost sincerity also reduces fears. this training or retraining will take time. be willing to put the time in. these days with such expedient ways, it's harder to put the time in. as an actor practices, practice how you look & what to say before a potential date. men will always be pleased by looks. get yourself beautiful & pretty. always say a prayer before you meet a man. blessings to you.

Thank you for your thoughts Karlon, I believe you are correct that past mental conditioning is playing a part. Most Christian ladies are pretty well drilled from a young age on how they are "supposed" to act, and the rules can be pretty strict and difficult to over-ride later in life. I would love to be more "calm, loose and relaxed", but the pressure to always "think, speak, and act the right thing" makes that kind of hard . I do know I have made some improvement though, because I used to avoid all available men and now it's down to just the ones I'm attracted to. So I guess that's progress. When you say to cogitate on the "natural me", do you mean the person I would be if I could somehow remove all the years of conditioning and being told by various people how I "should" be?

Your post did make me realize that I don't think I've ever asked Jesus to give me a proper view of myself. I have asked Him to do that regarding people I don't get along with well or don't understand, but I don't think I have ever given myself the same consideration. So........ thanks for that.

 

[Snackersmom]

I thought it was just me. In the past, seemingly without my conscience decision I would walk away and avoid a woman I liked, or even a woman who smiled at me. When it came to romantic first contact, I was very shy.

Our reasons for doing that may be quite different, but how to overcome it is very likely the same. Today is generally called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's explained well in youtube videos, which I encourage you to check out. You can even decide to see a practicing psychologist to develop a personal plan.

I can speak on how it might go for anyone. First step: You could start by praying and writing down why you do the behavior. Give it some thought for a few days. Address those reasons/fears with a mind to solve any of the issues. Example maybe you thoughtfully decide you're willing to take the effort to date and/or be rejected.

Next step would be neurologically rerouting your current thoughts (synapses) and knee-jerk reactions for these situations. You can do this by envisioning these meeting situations in your mind and you talk to this person rather than walk away. Do this repeatedly. Something in the order of once every day for a week, and then repeat twice a week for 3 months. You want to have a special journal for this; and write down any current real-life situations and thoughts, and your progress, including your visualization sessions.

Last step would be to actively put your visualizations into real-life practice. Seek out people you're interested in and talk to them. If there's any fears, psychological research is clear we overcome them through guided exposure. Guided here just means we very consciously stay aware of how our body is feeling, we tell ourselves we're going to be fine (which we will) and we're courageously experiencing it through steps and repetition.

Thank you Sculpt, the way you described it sounds exactly like what I'm dealing with.....it's not even a conscious decision I make, it's more like a fight/flight/freeze response (I usually just flee unless cornered, lol). I am an introvert and not especially outgoing but I don't normally have trouble greeting people, looking them in the eye, etc.......so this is different from just shyness for sure. Knee-jerk reaction sounds accurate. I will re-read your suggestions soon, this is all a lot to process but I appreciate your input!

My fear was not being attractive, so I guess the opposite problem 😅😂

Ah-ha, finally I hear from one of the ladies! I think the fear of not being attractive might actually tie in to my issues as well, but there's more to it than that. Regardless, your fear was clearly unfounded, so maybe I don't have anything to worry about either .

 

[Kireina]

Hi sis 😊


When I was a teenager and when I became an adult (early 20's) I feared attraction... The reason was because of my low self-esteem...but when I finally learned to appreciate myself it changed.... 😊

 

[fizzyjoe]

Sooooo...... no idea what kind of responses I will get, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. So please be patient with me while a I bare my soul.

It has recently come to my attention that I have a fear of attraction, and I feel like God is telling me it's time to deal with it. It mostly manifests as me avoiding any guy I might feel attracted to (and to some extent any guy who might be attracted to me).

I've been vaguely aware of it for a while, but since I thought I was only hurting myself I didn't think much about getting rid of it. However, recent life situations and a few posts by Calmador and JohnDB (Thanks guys!) have helped me see the other side of it and I realize it needs to go. Sooooo......

Can anyone here (male or female) relate to what I'm talking about, and if so please share your thoughts! Is it something you've struggled with but managed to overcome? Have you helped someone else overcome it, and if so how? Got any verses to share? All input is appreciated!

oh boy howdy do I relate, I myself have had an annoying complex of fall in love at first sight or feeling overly attracted to women around me bleh...
the best methods I have found to do especially since most are at my job is to focus on work,not fixate, try my best to simply ignore said attraction, or even if opportunity presents itself to remove myself from any proximity, though probably the most useful lately has been to more Not Put them on a Pedestal so to speak, think of being near such individuals as just another normal day with a colleague, friend, or even stranger in which you don't have to pursue attraction or fear it...
sometimes a sense of fantastic dreaming hopefulness gets us to forget that we may not even know the person so pretty silly to stare or be so called Enchanted by them when reality is that it's just lusting or dreaming...

 

[Karlon]

Thank you for your thoughts Karlon, I believe you are correct that past mental conditioning is playing a part. Most Christian ladies are pretty well drilled from a young age on how they are "supposed" to act, and the rules can be pretty strict and difficult to over-ride later in life. I would love to be more "calm, loose and relaxed", but the pressure to always "think, speak, and act the right thing" makes that kind of hard . I do know I have made some improvement though, because I used to avoid all available men and now it's down to just the ones I'm attracted to. So I guess that's progress. When you say to cogitate on the "natural me", do you mean the person I would be if I could somehow remove all the years of conditioning and being told by various people how I "should" be?

Your post did make me realize that I don't think I've ever asked Jesus to give me a proper view of myself. I have asked Him to do that regarding people I don't get along with well or don't understand, but I don't think I have ever given myself the same consideration. So........ thanks for that.

location is a word used by doctors. so you located & narrowed the "calm, loose & relax" characteristic. to that & all issues, cast out the devil; 1st Peter 5:7. never fight the devil, resist him; James 4:7. i teach people to introduce comedy in their problems. think about it; why not make it fun. as soon as you detect negativity, pessimism, sin, etc. cast the devil out. did you know the devil has no power against the believer unless the believer lets him? i say; "in the name of Jesus, devil, you & all your about, get out" & i say it with a smile! sure, make up a rhyme to make it funny. a yes to your question. Romans 12:2- "& BE NOT CONFORMED TO THIS WORLD, BUT BE YE TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF YOU MIND......." 2nd Corinthians 5:7- "if any man be in Christ, "HE IS A NEW CREATURE......". maybe, a serious slowing down in life is also needed. we allow ourselves to be rushed physically, mentally & spiritually by misplaced priorities in life. but i will tell you, this type of retraining is difficult & takes a while. again, make this fun in your own way with Jesus help, by course. blessings to you snackersmom.

 

[cinder]

Yes I understand what you're talking about. I wouldn't say I fear my own attractions anymore (on the rare event they seem to occur) but I do keep them hidden (or at least I try to, I kind of assume I do for the most part). And I imagine I'd still feel that kind of get away panicky feeling if I realized some guy was showing serious interest in me. I think a lot of that comes from feeling vulnerable that if a guy decides he wants to override my free choices, he probably has the strength to do so, and once interest is communicated decision about whether and how to move forward have to be made and there's someone else's ideas and opinons to deal with in that decision making. Fortunately / unfortunately while I know God can always bring in a suprise out of left field, my social circle is pretty set so there aren't too many new guys coming in to to my life and most of them I've normalized an acquaintanceship with (and at my age most of them are married so the question of do I like them is pretty irrelevant).