In the recent past, I wrote some posts on friendships. I was recently alleged by someone, in a very negative way, that I have not changed much/grown in 20 years, while she has experienced a lot of self-growth. We are both in our late 30s, and she had has more life experiences in terms of relationships, breakups, owning a home, pursuing even higher education, changing jobs more times, experiencing new types of spirituality, or one could say being more "open-minded" and learning in other areas also, etc. She is also a nonbeliever but I have had a hard time letting her go. She cited my lack of self growth as one reason why we are not compatible. I see what she means, though I don't view my experience in a negative light. I have grown into a mature adult, can hold a job, can take care of myself, etc. However, I was already this way when I was 22 (I worked and was responsible when I was even younger), so in that sense I have not grown. I have not too much other life experiences, however I feel content and I feel God has shielded me from going through some unnecessary changes (or maybe not, perhaps I should taken more initiative in some areas). While I believe I have become more emotionally and spiritually aware and grown, I have a sense if I have had some more life experiences I could have grown even more in that regard. I have dealt with some personal issues, including family drama and health issues, during this time and have grown in maturity in those areas involving relationships. Thoughts? How would a person grow without life experiences? Should I seek new experiences for the sake of self-growth?
She did not. She just thinks she has all these life experiences which have deepened and expanded her perspectives, and that I do not share the interest of self-growth. Truth is, I am sure she is a bit jealous that I haven't gone through as much as she has. I am happy as well, a lot of what she went through was self-caused. But, honestly, I am sad about the situation.
Hi Ms. Mediator,
Thank you for another insightful question, which you are very good at asking in your theads.
Following this discussion has brought up many things I want to say, but I'm not sure how to condense them or put them in a way that's helpful.
I found it interesting in this second post when you said a lot of what your friend went through was "self-caused," such as with relationships, etc. This reminded me of when I watched a friend participate in online dating and guys would ask for her number right away. But she was having problems with some who wouldn't take no for an answer, and so she'd have to change her number every few months, which was stressing her out. Trying to learn from this when I was on dating sites, I insisted on getting to know someone for a while via writing first, which was not well-received. I was often accused of being "paranoid" and "immature," then blocked before I could answer.
But, I didn't have to change my number a single time. (Of course, I'm still single, lol, but that's ok.)
One thing I've found as a single is that a lot of people think the best way to grow is to be exactly like them, do what they've done, and have the life they've had. If we haven't been through the same experiences, trials, and challenges, then we aren't fully "grown" to them, even if we have our own set of experiences. I had a co-worker who was always telling me I should be a parent (foster or adopt) on my own. Then one day she broke down and said she wished she's never had her first child, and that she hated seeing someone right in front of her everyday who didn't have kids and had freedom.
Another single father right here on this site once told me that since I didn't have kids, I should be offering to take in single mothers with their kids and helping to raise them. But it later came out as well that he was tired of being alone, and was envious of seeing a single who didn't have the responsibility of children.
People have to recognize that we are all called to different things, and that we grow in different ways. God might be growing us spiritually and it may have absolutely no value to anyone else. I spent almost 10 years in prison ministry and it was one of the biggest lessons of my entire life, one that pretty much no one except my closest friends see the value in, and everyone else thought I was nuts. When I went to work in the children/tween ministries as a helper, I begged God to send me back to the prisons because I found that working with kids is just not my calling. I felt much more alive corresponding and trying to understand inmates facing life without parole for the worst crimes known to man - that's just how God built me. But He's also the only one who would count it as growth.
I do understand that it gets very discouraging and lonely when others don't understand certain parts of our walk with God. But on the flipside, I also understand that it can be hard trying to relate to others who have not been through the same things we have and can't understand our point of view. I have definitely experienced both sides of the coin.
You seem like a very thoughtful, deep-thinking, and responsible person, which in itself is quite an accomplishment and takes years of very real growth to achieve. I'm really sorry that this "friend" so cruelly put you down. But I also understand having people in our lives who are hard to let go of, even when they don't treat us very well.
May I ask, where do you feel God is leading you? Have you felt either way if He is guiding you to hang on to, or let go of this person? Likewise, do you feel He wants to lead you to new experiences?
I know that for myself, there have been some growth experiences He's specifically led me into, some I fell into while following others I admire, and a few others where God shoved me right into the middle of the storms, kicking and screaming all the way!
Of course, it was always for a purpose, though I didn't know what for at the time.
Perhaps God is using this person to push you in unfamiliar directions that may or may not lead to moving on from her?
Please keep us posted on how it goes and I will be keeping you in my prayers.
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