The BIG SECRET I Wish Married People Would Tell Us Singles About...

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

The recent discussions about dating and marriage have me thinking about something I wish well-meaning married people would tell us a whole lot more about.

I want to give credit where it's due -- this thought came about when @Lynx mentioned the Bible story of the woman at the well (with 5 husbands and a live-in boyfriend) who was trying to fill the emptiness we all feel with relationships, but it obviously wasn't working. He made the excellent point that people need to learn how to work out on that void with Jesus as the answer, not another relationship.

@MsMediator also talked about how set goals in life, but once we reach them, we immediately set up others to take their place. It's a never-ending cycle.

I have often wondered if goal-setting is a way of distracting ourselves from the emptiness -- trying so hard to fill it with yet another checkmark -- that will soon mean nothing as we move the goal post once again.

Something I don't ever think a married person has ever told me about is the fact that this is true in marriage as well. While some married friends have indeed told us that it doesn't fill the void that only Jesus can solve (and not completely in this life, but the next,) I don't think I've ever heard one anyone talk about the fact that after filling one part of the emptiness with marriage, it will continue to manifest itself in other ways, such as when natural desires grow beyond just what God has instilled.

A few examples:

* The husband who has sexual expectations but the wife is not agreeable due to past abuse, and so both suffer in silence, perhaps indefinitely.

* The wife is convinced they'll be happier with a baby. But when they have that baby, no, it's the NEXT baby that will make them happy. Three babies later, the worn-out, working-3-jobs husband says no, but the wife becomes tearful and resentful because she's just knows the next baby will be the answer. Several years later, she starts asking their children for grandbabies...

* The husband could never live out his sports fantasies when he was young, and so he pressures his son into living out the dream he always longed to fulfill.

* The couple might be struggling now, but they're only the next house, the next job, the next promotion... away from true fulfilment and happiness. "If only" they can meet that next rung on the ladder. In the meantime, their marriage is crumbling from stress, arguments, and isolation.

But the goal posts are continually being moved and so they truly believe that "next thing" will surely be the answer.

If the goal posts keep moving, or stop in places that cause great distress yet won't budge, how do people learn to cope?

Now of course, the Bible speaks of marriage very highly, but it also says that singleness has a place and calling with those who might be able to fulfill it. Many singles seek to be married because they want something to fill what they believe are their needs.

But why are we not told that the needing never ends, and, once married, it will simply manifest in new ways that many marriages are finding impossible to deal with?

I'm asking these questions with the forethought of how we can better prepare people for marriage, and/or help those who are already married.

* What things do you wish people would tell you about marriage (even if you're married?)

* What can we do to better enable people to spiritual combat the ever-shapeshifting void in all of us?

 

[Lynx]

All that neediness you talked about is so wearisome...

I'mma have to take a nap before I can participate in this thread. I'm done wore out.

Actually that was only half farcical. I think weariness is a lot of why people who chase the void-filling rabbit get so frustrated. They get tired but they still haven't caught their feeling of success and they feel like they never will.

 

[Lynx]

This thread reminds me of a song.

Even has religious references.

It's about a guy who has done all the things, but still hasn't found what he's looking for.

 

[Lynx]

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But, yes, I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

 

[cinder]

Well if I can give the Bible answer. Practice gratitude and contentment. Or as I belive it was Chesterton said: "There are two ways to get enough. One is to keep accumulating more and more; the other is to desire less" It's just hard to be wishing for what you don't have while you're counting your blessings.

 

[JohnDB]

Marriage, when done well, is a lesson on giving.
It's noticing someone wants or needs something without them saying or doing anything....that you can easily part with.

Like when you are part of a small group Bible study and you notice that people are hungry so you make a small snack for them to enjoy....

Or someone in a group who isn't really talking to anyone....so you strike up a conversation with them. Because they need to talk to someone to stave off the lonely feelings...

That's Marriage....except on a daily basis.

Because....being alone sucks. Not being needed sucks. That striving for stuff because your family needs it is good. Because without those irritating wants, desires, and needs you fall into despair.

And somewhere in that striving for others your needs get met.

Jesus lived a sacrificial lifestyle as a model for how to please God.

Some say that kind of lifestyle is for suckers or fools....but a man's life does not consist of his possessions. Nor can you take possessions with you to Heaven...but you can take your relationships....

And kids?
They leave home one day, remembering every slight or wrong you did to them (real or imagined) as well as the Netflix password. Meaning, don't count on gratitude from anyone....
Giving not because they deserve it or will appreciate it..but because that's just who you are in Christ...

 

[Mem]

* What things do you wish people would tell you about marriage (even if you're married?)

* What can we do to better enable people to spiritual combat the ever-shapeshifting void in all of us?

The recent discussions about dating and marriage have me thinking about something I wish well-meaning married people would tell us a lot more about being whole.

I edited your introduction to include the answer to both your questions.
If you start out whole, then nothing additional is 'needed,' although it will accentuate (defined as; make more noticeable or prominent) your totality, even if it's something that you can been noticed to be without, and yet remain completely whole.

 

[Jeraboo]

Not sure what 'level of prepardness' matters, what life can throw at anyone at anytime, marriage or otherwise, isn't measured necessarily by prepardness, but moreso by one's ability to respond and adapt, hopefully by following our Messiah's example.

I know a story of a marriage, from an older generation, it was fraught with challenges, but the older generation simply had a stronger mentality, when the husband passed, the widowed older lady shared quite the stories, some fun, some concerning, but ended her story by saying, for the love they had together in the end, she wouldn't change a thing. The journey, with all it's ups and downs led to a love so strong, she'd go through it all again;

Now the next isn't so marriage based, but consider the mindset... Joseph, betrayed by his brothers, then his boss's wife, then the prisoner who helped... all less than ideal, but he kept his focus on the YHVH. Daniel, taken from his family as a teenager, never to see them again, trained (or indoctrinated) into the culture, language and customs of his captors, yet never loses sight of YHVH... There's others to and it's a reminder I myself need, even as I type this;

I don't know how I feel about 'prepardness' when we don't know what's coming our way; Look at the sermon on the mount and in detail, much of it is a set of responses, responses to unkind or unpleasant things. Maybe there's something to consider there, a focus on how to respond, more than how to prepare; (not saying we shouldn't prepare anything at all, please don't miss the point), thank you!

In marriage, or with children, I don't think you can ever fully prepare; thus, learning how to effectively respond, I think has merit; Please be kind lol

 

[MsMediator]

* What things do you wish people would tell you about marriage (even if you're married?)

Many singles believe that a spouse, being the "soul-mate", fills 100% of the loneliness void. It would be helpful if couples were honest on this topic, that married couples can still be lonely. That said, I do think married couples feel less lonely than singles. Part of being single is being lonely; that comes with the package. However, the loneliness singles face is more lack of social/human interaction, while the loneliness marrieds face is lack of connection with the other spouse.

Another topic is how couples manage expectations on intimacy. I can see how this can cause major issues in a marriage.

That striving for stuff because your family needs it is good. Because without those irritating wants, desires, and needs you fall into despair.

And somewhere in that striving for others your needs get met.

I think this is true up to a certain point. It feels good when one can provide and everything is smooth sailing. However, when one isn't able to, a person may not be able to handle the responsibility and may fall into depression. They cannot cope. Striving and failing does not feel good.

 

[zeroturbulence]

There's an old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."

No matter how green your grass is, you'll always want what someone else has.

 

[Lynx]

There's an old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."

No matter how green your grass is, you'll always want what someone else has.

"If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher."

There's always a price to pay for that greener grass.

 

[Lynx]

A lot of people talk a lot about how married people can still be lonely. I never, EVER hear anybody talking about the converse:

Did you know it's possible to be alone and not be lonely? Has anybody ever heard of this being a thing? I swear it's true though. I've seen it myself.

 

[seoulsearch]

When I was younger, I was very eager to get married because that's what everyone around me had done, and what everyone around me was pushing. My childhood best friend and I were talking about how we got married mostly because that's just what everyone did. No other option was given, and of course, staying single meant becoming a crazy cat lady. (Except that I'm allergic to cats, so I can't even do that.)

When I did get married, it was of course devastating to experience my then-husband leaving in pursuit of another girl. But back then, I was once again eager and hopeful that in a few years and after some healing, God would soon lead me to get married again.

As I grew older, I learned a lot from people's stories. For whatever reason, people would often tell me about some very personal aspects of their lives and I started to realize that not everything was what it seemed. Even the best-looking marriages had a lot of cracks, and it got to a point where the majority of married people I knew were dealing with situations due to being married that I was very glad to not have to deal with.

In the cases of good marriages I've known (which seem to be very few,) it usually has something to do with in-laws and other family members. They might have an amazing marriage but it also came along with amazingly difficult in-laws, and they definitely have my prayers for the things they have to endure.

Over the past several years, I've had two instances (at very different times) when a guy has asked me if I'd consider getting married. One was sincere enough to say he'd go out and buy a ring immediately if I were to say yes. So it's not that I haven't had the chance to marry, and each time the guy asking had the type of qualities any woman would want, such as being hard-working and loyal.

But each situation involved the big question of how we would be able to take care of our parents They lived across the country from each other, and for whatever reason, neither could feasibly move to where the other was. For me personally, this has become the greatest challenge in dating -- not just the relationship itself, but how to coordinate caring for and supporting other family members on both sides of the equation.

In both cases, there were a lot of cultural and personality differences, and I knew it would be an uphill battle from the very start (there was already a lot of tension just within the dating situation due to family differences, let alone if we were to get married.)

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in the dating world is the inescapable fact that when you marry someone, their family comes along with it, and I'm at an age where God really starts putting us to the real test of "honoring your father and mother" -- including in-laws, for those that have them.

Fortunately, I find my parents easy to love, but am finding more and more of a shift in which I sometimes have step into a more parental role while trying to keep the upmost respect for their dignity, and for now, God has put them as first priority in my life.

I know one of the reasons God created marriage was to teach us humans how to serve, and I'm finding that many singles are very much doing so even without a spouse, Every single person I currently know is caring for/financially supporting other family members, from young children to aged parents and grandparents in some way. In some cases, they're taking care of family members even more than some spouses might, and for some, God seems to have made this their calling over getting married.

I recently received correspondence from two married or formerly married friends and they were talking about how they were trying to balance taking care of both sides of their families...

And to be honest, I was grateful that, at this time, I only have to handle one.

I'm open to possibly marrying someday, if God (and some poor unsuspecting guy out there) wills it, but this is another thing I wish more married people would talk to us singles honestly about -- how to navigate "the other side" of the family, especially if they don't get along.

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm also at a point where I look at marriage much, much differently than most because I'm around a lot of older people, the ones who are finding out what "'Til Death Do Us Part" really means.

For some of them, their spouses don't even know who they are anymore. Multiple health, mobility, and mental challenges abound. One of my friends just wrote me about how devastated she was when her mother she asked if she was her daughter or granddaughter, because she couldn't remember.

It seems like every other time I visit my parents, they tell me about someone they know who has just passed away. It was heart-wrenching when their neighbor's wife was diagnosed with cancer, but was given a treatment plan filled with hope. And yet, her condition deteriorated and she died just a short time later, leaving her poor husband shell-shocked after a lifetime of only knowing having her by his side.

When an ambulance is parked at the front of the community where my parent's live and all is very still, you know what's happened.

My parent's lifelong church friends are now being widowed, and finding they are no longer welcome in their old married circles (often because the women are afraid of having their husbands stolen away from them.) And so they have to try to build new lives, and find new social groups to join that will actually welcome singles.

For every married person who feels sorry for me, or says that my life would be better married, and perhaps it would be -- they never talk about the fact that every married person has a 50/50 chance of one day being single -- and I really wish they would. Because when someone talks to me with authority about something, I'd like to hear a realistic, balanced view of both the good -- and the terrifying.

One certainly doesn't have to be single to visit and dote a bit on their parents, but being single obviously gives me a bit more free time to spend with them.

And I have seen the sadness and enviousness in the eyes of both their married and the widowed neighbors when they see my parents getting regular visits.

I truly feel heart-broken for them.

I try my best to pray for them, and when I can, stop to say hello.

 

[Cameron143]

C S Lewis wrote something like this:
If you have a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most logical explanation is that you were made for a different world.

The truth about most of us is that we don't first find our satisfaction in God. Not finding satisfaction in God, we look to things and relationships to fill this emptiness in us. So what God designed for our good...a need to find fulfillment outside ourselves and in Him...has been corrupted.

The answer is simple enough. Psalm 23 says when the Lord is our Shepherd, we will be satisfied. Learn to delight in God. He is all-satisfying.

 

[JohnDB]

The two sides of Dating in America:

https://x.com/GRomePow/status/1792732523338023281

https://x.com/InternetH0F/status/1792880534315540765

 

[blueluna5]

Hey Everyone,

The recent discussions about dating and marriage have me thinking about something I wish well-meaning married people would tell us a whole lot more about.

I want to give credit where it's due -- this thought came about when @Lynx mentioned the Bible story of the woman at the well (with 5 husbands and a live-in boyfriend) who was trying to fill the emptiness we all feel with relationships, but it obviously wasn't working. He made the excellent point that people need to learn how to work out on that void with Jesus as the answer, not another relationship.

@MsMediator also talked about how set goals in life, but once we reach them, we immediately set up others to take their place. It's a never-ending cycle.

I have often wondered if goal-setting is a way of distracting ourselves from the emptiness -- trying so hard to fill it with yet another checkmark -- that will soon mean nothing as we move the goal post once again.

Something I don't ever think a married person has ever told me about is the fact that this is true in marriage as well. While some married friends have indeed told us that it doesn't fill the void that only Jesus can solve (and not completely in this life, but the next,) I don't think I've ever heard one anyone talk about the fact that after filling one part of the emptiness with marriage, it will continue to manifest itself in other ways, such as when natural desires grow beyond just what God has instilled.

A few examples:

* The husband who has sexual expectations but the wife is not agreeable due to past abuse, and so both suffer in silence, perhaps indefinitely.

* The wife is convinced they'll be happier with a baby. But when they have that baby, no, it's the NEXT baby that will make them happy. Three babies later, the worn-out, working-3-jobs husband says no, but the wife becomes tearful and resentful because she's just knows the next baby will be the answer. Several years later, she starts asking their children for grandbabies...

* The husband could never live out his sports fantasies when he was young, and so he pressures his son into living out the dream he always longed to fulfill.

* The couple might be struggling now, but they're only the next house, the next job, the next promotion... away from true fulfilment and happiness. "If only" they can meet that next rung on the ladder. In the meantime, their marriage is crumbling from stress, arguments, and isolation.

But the goal posts are continually being moved and so they truly believe that "next thing" will surely be the answer.

If the goal posts keep moving, or stop in places that cause great distress yet won't budge, how do people learn to cope?

Now of course, the Bible speaks of marriage very highly, but it also says that singleness has a place and calling with those who might be able to fulfill it. Many singles seek to be married because they want something to fill what they believe are their needs.

But why are we not told that the needing never ends, and, once married, it will simply manifest in new ways that many marriages are finding impossible to deal with?

I'm asking these questions with the forethought of how we can better prepare people for marriage, and/or help those who are already married.

* What things do you wish people would tell you about marriage (even if you're married?)

* What can we do to better enable people to spiritual combat the ever-shapeshifting void in all of us?

You can be happy in the moment, but not happy about your circumstances. So yes all people need to figure out how to have joy in their life. Gratitude is the best recipe for that. It's annoying and people don't like doing it. 😆

There's nothing wrong with wanting different things in life. If you get it though and you're never happy then you're not being grateful.

It reminds me of this quote:
"I still remember when I prayed for the things I have now."

With all blessings also come responsibilities. So yes the new job, new house, new relationship, new baby, etc. may bring in a lot of work, it's also considered a blessing.

 

[Karlon]

Hey Everyone,

The recent discussions about dating and marriage have me thinking about something I wish well-meaning married people would tell us a whole lot more about.

I want to give credit where it's due -- this thought came about when @Lynx mentioned the Bible story of the woman at the well (with 5 husbands and a live-in boyfriend) who was trying to fill the emptiness we all feel with relationships, but it obviously wasn't working. He made the excellent point that people need to learn how to work out on that void with Jesus as the answer, not another relationship.

@MsMediator also talked about how set goals in life, but once we reach them, we immediately set up others to take their place. It's a never-ending cycle.

I have often wondered if goal-setting is a way of distracting ourselves from the emptiness -- trying so hard to fill it with yet another checkmark -- that will soon mean nothing as we move the goal post once again.

Something I don't ever think a married person has ever told me about is the fact that this is true in marriage as well. While some married friends have indeed told us that it doesn't fill the void that only Jesus can solve (and not completely in this life, but the next,) I don't think I've ever heard one anyone talk about the fact that after filling one part of the emptiness with marriage, it will continue to manifest itself in other ways, such as when natural desires grow beyond just what God has instilled.

A few examples:

* The husband who has sexual expectations but the wife is not agreeable due to past abuse, and so both suffer in silence, perhaps indefinitely.

* The wife is convinced they'll be happier with a baby. But when they have that baby, no, it's the NEXT baby that will make them happy. Three babies later, the worn-out, working-3-jobs husband says no, but the wife becomes tearful and resentful because she's just knows the next baby will be the answer. Several years later, she starts asking their children for grandbabies...

* The husband could never live out his sports fantasies when he was young, and so he pressures his son into living out the dream he always longed to fulfill.

* The couple might be struggling now, but they're only the next house, the next job, the next promotion... away from true fulfilment and happiness. "If only" they can meet that next rung on the ladder. In the meantime, their marriage is crumbling from stress, arguments, and isolation.

But the goal posts are continually being moved and so they truly believe that "next thing" will surely be the answer.

If the goal posts keep moving, or stop in places that cause great distress yet won't budge, how do people learn to cope?

Now of course, the Bible speaks of marriage very highly, but it also says that singleness has a place and calling with those who might be able to fulfill it. Many singles seek to be married because they want something to fill what they believe are their needs.

But why are we not told that the needing never ends, and, once married, it will simply manifest in new ways that many marriages are finding impossible to deal with?

I'm asking these questions with the forethought of how we can better prepare people for marriage, and/or help those who are already married.

* What things do you wish people would tell you about marriage (even if you're married?)

* What can we do to better enable people to spiritual combat the ever-shapeshifting void in all of us?

most people are, what i call, "surface thinkers". meaning: they listen for selfish reasons, listen to respond without benevolence for the speaker & they listen while their mindset is, "i don't care". also, most people don't think deep enough into a situation which obviates wisdom from being initiated. but when thoroughly thinking something out, you must be totally open to discerning the correct solution or answer without selfishness & self desires. & by course, Christians have the Holy Spirit to to lead, guide & teach them in the correct path. there's an old rule to exercise wisdom: "stop, look & listen"! so many, probably most disagreements, & discussions can be solved by thoroughly thinking out the issue patiently & unselfishly. i'll add that patience is a big issue in the U.S. meaning that nearly no one will be patient in a situation's resolution. the "needing" issue above is loaded with natural variations because of the vast complexities in personality & attitude. the best approach always, is: 1. seek out the Holy Spirit for advice & discernment completely open without you into the situation. 2. BE PATIENT!!! (notice how i italicized this because of it's MAJOR importance). 3. stop, look & listen. 4. review what you hear from the H.S. without adding, changing or taking away. 5. practice what you are going to say to a spouse BEFORE you say it. 6. rest & relax in the whole experience! i never thought about wishing what people would tell me about marriage. i basically, figured occurrences out by myself thru experiences & thinking things thru.