Do Parents and Married People Get Told By Others to "Get a Life"?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Last night I was in a financial Discord chat where some single male members were slinging the usual insults at each other. One of them finally concluded by saying, "Oh yeah? Well at least I have a life. I go out and talk to REAL, ACTUAL women."

I understand this criticism, especially since I'm an introvert in the time of being able to live a lot of life online. But in single circles -- even Christian ones, too often this means that the assumed "loser" "doesn't have a life" is labeled as such just because he/she isn't constantly on the prowl for phone numbers and multiple dates with multiple strangers they've just met.

For some reason, "throwing all your energy and resources into constant awkward social meetings" means "having a life."

I'm at an age now where this kind of "insult" doesn't really bother me, but I was thinking about what the equivalent might be for single parents and those who are married. Even after marriage and family (or just family,) do people still somehow try to tell you to "get a life"?

I remember catching an episode of a very old sitcom called "The Mommies," which was about two everyday suburban moms' daily lives. In this particular episode, their neighbor, "Perfect Mom," told them how every week, she had some kind of "Cultural Lesson Night" for her kids. This would involve cooking some kind of exotic foreign food, then teaching them about the culture and language it came from.

And of course, these two poor Moms were looking at her, frazzled and exhausted, just trying to do their best -- but feeling very much like society was comparing and condemning them for not being "Perfect Mom."

I just wanted to hug them.

* Is the the equivalent of parents/marrieds being told to "Get a Life?" By having people constantly rub it in on how they're supposedly doing a much better job?

* What kinds of pressure do you feel from society that makes you feel as if you're "always behind" when it comes to marriage and family life?

* What challenges do you face in church that make you feel as if you "are never doing enough?"

* What could the church do to help ease these burdens?


I'm just wondering what life is like for those on the other side of the coin.

 

[Lynx]

From the other side of the coin...

Do you ever catch yourself putting other people down as if they don't really have a life? Do you ever disparage people for having a lesser job than yours? What about doing a lesser job than you do?

Personally sometimes I have to be careful. Sometimes people at my job are just lazy, and sometimes they really cannot move as fast as other people. I have to watch it or I will start criticizing them when they are honestly doing the best they can.

 

[Lynx]

But to the topic at hand:

In the past people would sometimes look down on me because I have a fast food job. But the last few years haven't been all that bad. Factory jobs are not the sinecure they once were, there aren't a lot of high class office jobs in Southwest Tennessee, and a lot of people who used to work at factory jobs are now working service jobs because their factories went out of business. The last few years have seen a big shift in how people perceive what used to be seen as low class jobs, at least in my area.

 

[Lynx]

On the other hand some people still think I don't have a real life because I am single and have no kids. But again, it's not as bad as it used to be because the percentage of people who do have a perfect family unit are much less these days.

 

[seoulsearch]

But to the topic at hand:

In the past people would sometimes look down on me because I have a fast food job. But the last few years haven't been all that bad. Factory jobs are not the sinecure they once were, there aren't a lot of high class office jobs in Southwest Tennessee, and a lot of people who used to work at factory jobs are now working service jobs because their factories went out of business. The last few years have seen a big shift in how people perceive what used to be seen as low class jobs, at least in my area.

It was really interesting to listen to your adventures during The Event That Shall Not Be Named, because you were one of the few people I knew who was still able to go to work like normal.

I was watching YouTube videos of restaurants where it costs $400 a person (and that's just the starting point, without drinks,) and they were all closed down -- and for years afterward -- but you were still going to work everyday like always.

 

[Lynx]

It was really interesting to listen to your adventures during The Event That Shall Not Be Named, because you were one of the few people I knew who was still able to go to work like normal.

I was watching YouTube videos of restaurants where it costs $400 a person (and that's just the starting point, without drinks,) and they were all closed down -- and for years afterward -- but you were still going to work everyday like always.

Yeah, we were considered essential workers.

That's depressing, because it implies the average human has lost the ability to operate a can opener.

By the way, I know this thread was aimed at getting married people's perspective. But you have been dragging us into this forum for a while now, so I figured I would answer it anyway.

 

[tourist]

But to the topic at hand:

In the past people would sometimes look down on me because I have a fast food job. But the last few years haven't been all that bad. Factory jobs are not the sinecure they once were, there aren't a lot of high class office jobs in Southwest Tennessee, and a lot of people who used to work at factory jobs are now working service jobs because their factories went out of business. The last few years have seen a big shift in how people perceive what used to be seen as low class jobs, at least in my area.

I have a fast food job too. I admire anyone who has the courage to get out of bed and go to work. Regardless of the type of job or place of employment.

 

[tourist]

On the other hand some people still think I don't have a real life because I am single and have no kids. But again, it's not as bad as it used to be because the percentage of people who do have a perfect family unit are much less these days.

I don't know anyone who has the perfect family unit.

 

[MsMediator]

I imagine married people without kids have some pressure to have kids (singles could also have this pressure). There could also be some pressure to carve a life outside of the spouse, such as a wife wanting good female friends or a husband to have guy friends to watch games, etc. There could be pressure for married couples to not become too insulated, and to find their own "identity " through other people or hobbies. Married people also have the pressure of showing the world that they are happy couple (singles similarly have this pressure also of showing they are not lonely and depressed). I see a lot more of keeping up with the Joneses with married couples; singles are generally not trying to show off wealth in the same way. Overall, singles are more likely told to get a life because they are generally thought to be doing something less significant than the higher calling role of spouse and kids. I agree for a married person and those with kids those are their most important roles.

 

[MsMediator]

Do you ever catch yourself putting other people down as if they don't really have a life?

I don't look down on other people, but when singles tell me what they do in their spare time I find their activities are pretty lightweight compared to family life. They generally spend time with pets, friends, hobbies, reading, maybe volunteering and still have a lot of free time compared to those with families. This is especially the case for women who do the bulk of housework. Of course, if singles are doing major caregiving that is a different case.

 

[Lynx]

I don't look down on other people, but when singles tell me what they do in their spare time I find their activities are pretty lightweight compared to family life. They generally spend time with pets, friends, hobbies, reading, maybe volunteering and still have a lot of free time compared to those with families. This is especially the case for women who do the bulk of housework. Of course, if singles are doing major caregiving that is a different case.

*Lynx crams a paw in his mouth and walks away quickly.

 

[seoulsearch]

I don't look down on other people, but when singles tell me what they do in their spare time I find their activities are pretty lightweight compared to family life. They generally spend time with pets, friends, hobbies, reading, maybe volunteering and still have a lot of free time compared to those with families. This is especially the case for women who do the bulk of housework. Of course, if singles are doing major caregiving that is a different case.

Do you find your own single life very lightweight compared to marrieds?

I'm at a point in life where every single I know is a caretaker -- often because all the marrieds have their own families, so the singles are, as you say, seen as having "lightweight" lives -- then promptly expected to fill in the gaps for everyone else (free babysitter, taxi, source of income, housekeeper, full-time care of parents and grandparents.)

 

[seoulsearch]

Something else very interesting and also sobering about this thread...

Obviously, I had thought it would be answered by married people (thank you @tourist) but I can certainly understand why they might stay away. As singles, we can speak for ourselves, but marrieds have to consider the responsibility that they are also speaking on behalf of their married lives, which involve at least one other person.

Instead, we're getting single people contemplating what it must be like for marrieds -- and of course, I started it by writing the thread. After 15 years of writing threads almost exclusively in Singles, I've been trying to branch out and I'm happy to see my fellow singles make the trek on over here.

But I do think we have to be careful when thinking about what life must be like for marrieds. But I know in Singles over the years, we've had many people who never spent much time as singles all thinking they knew what single life was like and what we were going through. And it was often insulting -- not to mention inaccurate.

I don't want to do the same to married people as a single. I was married once, but not long enough to know what many married people are really going through (and I don't have kids.)

I don't want us singles to be doing to marrieds what has been done to us so many times over the years. Sharing what we as singles have learned about marrieds from observation and conversations with them is great, but I'm also thinking about the fine line that exists because just like singles, marrieds have a story of their own that we can't assume for them.

I wrote this thread in the hope of better understanding what they go through -- I certainly understand that they are all very busy and who has the time to answer silly threads like this.

But I really do appreciate all who answer. I hope we can give married the people the respect our awesome married friends like @tourist and many others here have given to us.

 

[Tall_Timbers]

Obviously, I had thought it would be answered by married people (thank you @tourist) but I can certainly understand why they might stay away. As singles, we can speak for ourselves, but marrieds have to consider the responsibility that they are also speaking on behalf of their married lives, which involve at least one other person.

I'm married and try to keep my true identity masked which allows me to speak freely about things if I think what I have to share might be helpful to someone. If I used my real name online I wouldn't feel as free to share because my sharing almost always involves others, as well, and it wouldn't be fair to them.

I've noticed along the road of life that many have a propensity to rack and stack people with themselves always at or near the top. That's the basis for a lot of prejudices. As Believers, we're more likely not to place ourselves above others as we develop the heart of a servant, but still... it happens (we're not perfect).

I raised 4 children and was very active in the community. My children flourished. People heaped praise on me for how well we were doing with our children and how well the children were doing. I gave the credit to my children who worked hard under my direction. I sensed that some were weighing themselves against me and weighing their children against mine. That saddened me a bit as I don't think it is healthy. We all have value. We all have gifts. None of us are alike.

Sometimes I'd find myself in a group of parents trash talking their kids... probably at PTA meetings... I never joined in and only praised my kids in public and also praised the children of others when I could, as I knew most of the children. Just a week ago or so I was at a wedding. My youngest son was there as well. I believe it was a brother of mine who kiddingly made a disparaging remark with regards to my son. Right away, I replied, no "insert name here" was a very good son and is now a fine man. I was blessed to have him. I've never disparaged any of my children, even kidding around. I'm sure that did something good inside of my son, even though he knew my brother was just funning around.

Raising children has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I'm thankful I had that opportunity. It would have been very easy for me to remain single and relatively isolated all of my life as I'm an introvert (like many) and manage just fine in my own company. I guess I had a life, despite myself.

Now I'm old and weary and really don't give a second thought to what others might think of me. I do what I want. I go where I want to go. I spend my time how I want to spend my time. I'm in what I call my 2nd retirement which for me is a time when I feel no obligation to do anything I don't want to do. I am involved in a couple of ministries, but have no problem saying no when approached about additional things I might do. If a person had an idea of my day to day activities today, they might think I should get a life . I'm just fine thank you. I'm resting and waiting to go home.

 

[Cameron143]

Something else very interesting and also sobering about this thread...

Obviously, I had thought it would be answered by married people (thank you @tourist) but I can certainly understand why they might stay away. As singles, we can speak for ourselves, but marrieds have to consider the responsibility that they are also speaking on behalf of their married lives, which involve at least one other person.

Instead, we're getting single people contemplating what it must be like for marrieds -- and of course, I started it by writing the thread. After 15 years of writing threads almost exclusively in Singles, I've been trying to branch out and I'm happy to see my fellow singles make the trek on over here.

But I do think we have to be careful when thinking about what life must be like for marrieds. But I know in Singles over the years, we've had many people who never spent much time as singles all thinking they knew what single life was like and what we were going through. And it was often insulting -- not to mention inaccurate.

I don't want to do the same to married people as a single. I was married once, but not long enough to know what many married people are really going through (and I don't have kids.)

I don't want us singles to be doing to marrieds what has been done to us so many times over the years. Sharing what we as singles have learned about marrieds from observation and conversations with them is great, but I'm also thinking about the fine line that exists because just like singles, marrieds have a story of their own that we can't assume for them.

I wrote this thread in the hope of better understanding what they go through -- I certainly understand that they are all very busy and who has the time to answer silly threads like this.

But I really do appreciate all who answer. I hope we can give married the people the respect our awesome married friends like @tourist and many others here have given to us.

I have found that marital estate, single estate, or any estate is of little consequence, except spiritual estate. And this transcends every other estate. When we can, like Paul, find contentment in any estate, we will find peace and joy, and Christ, in every estate.
There truly is a relationship with Christ that transcends our circumstances. We have a good Shepherd who can satisfy all our longings. In Him we can find a rest, a veritable oasis of beauty and provision in the most unpleasant of circumstances. The mistake we make is that we think we need to be free of the difficulty to secure the blessing. But the blessing is the Shepherd coming in the midst of the trial.

I find, for myself, the misunderstanding of God's ways leads to my greatest discontent. God has made His people more than conquerors in Him. What does this actually mean? It means God allows the enemy to come against us in ways we cannot escape that He might come and deliver us, using the very thing the enemy would employ to harm us to give us victory.

We find this consistently throughout the Bible. The 3 Hebrew children would not kneel before a false god. They were met in the furnace by their Shepherd. The children of God stood with a sea before them and mountains on either side as an army was racing towards them. Their Shepherd led them to safety through the waters. Even at the cross, death seemingly quenched all hope; yet our Shepherd lives.

So getting a life will always be found in the One who is the way, the truth, and the LIFE. And finding life in Him means not looking for Him to take away your difficulties, but meeting you in the midst of them...Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...Thou art with me...

This is probably a little more than you were looking for. If so, my apologies.

 

[Lynx]

*Lynx fills in a bingo card square.

I was wondering how long it would take for somebody to quote Paul in this thread.

 

[Lynx]

I've noticed along the road of life that many have a propensity to rack and stack people with themselves always at or near the top. That's the basis for a lot of prejudices. As Believers, we're more likely not to place ourselves above others as we develop the heart of a servant, but still... it happens (we're not perfect).

I have also noticed this tendency, in others and in myself, and I think it is the root cause of all the judgmental attitudes. Everybody wants to feel good about themselves.

It stinks, it causes a lot of junk, but I understand the urge to do it all too well.

 

[MsMediator]

Do you find your own single life very lightweight compared to marrieds?

I'm at a point in life where every single I know is a caretaker -- often because all the marrieds have their own families, so the singles are, as you say, seen as having "lightweight" lives -- then promptly expected to fill in the gaps for everyone else (free babysitter, taxi, source of income, housekeeper, full-time care of parents and grandparents.)

No one I know personally in my age group are care takers yet. I do help out my parents with chores but I don't consider that serious caretaking. My friends are either childless or only have one child. At the moment, I do not have too many responsibilities. How much free time one has also depends on how willfully one carves out the free time for themselves. They have boundaries. I know people living with elderly parents and disabled spouses who still take trips and pursue hobbies. Some people have a lot on their plate, sandwiched between taking care of kids and elderly and I recognize that.

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm married and try to keep my true identity masked which allows me to speak freely about things if I think what I have to share might be helpful to someone. If I used my real name online I wouldn't feel as free to share because my sharing almost always involves others, as well, and it wouldn't be fair to them.

I've noticed along the road of life that many have a propensity to rack and stack people with themselves always at or near the top. That's the basis for a lot of prejudices. As Believers, we're more likely not to place ourselves above others as we develop the heart of a servant, but still... it happens (we're not perfect).

I raised 4 children and was very active in the community. My children flourished. People heaped praise on me for how well we were doing with our children and how well the children were doing. I gave the credit to my children who worked hard under my direction. I sensed that some were weighing themselves against me and weighing their children against mine. That saddened me a bit as I don't think it is healthy. We all have value. We all have gifts. None of us are alike.

Sometimes I'd find myself in a group of parents trash talking their kids... probably at PTA meetings... I never joined in and only praised my kids in public and also praised the children of others when I could, as I knew most of the children. Just a week ago or so I was at a wedding. My youngest son was there as well. I believe it was a brother of mine who kiddingly made a disparaging remark with regards to my son. Right away, I replied, no "insert name here" was a very good son and is now a fine man. I was blessed to have him. I've never disparaged any of my children, even kidding around. I'm sure that did something good inside of my son, even though he knew my brother was just funning around.

Raising children has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I'm thankful I had that opportunity. It would have been very easy for me to remain single and relatively isolated all of my life as I'm an introvert (like many) and manage just fine in my own company. I guess I had a life, despite myself.

Now I'm old and weary and really don't give a second thought to what others might think of me. I do what I want. I go where I want to go. I spend my time how I want to spend my time. I'm in what I call my 2nd retirement which for me is a time when I feel no obligation to do anything I don't want to do. I am involved in a couple of ministries, but have no problem saying no when approached about additional things I might do. If a person had an idea of my day to day activities today, they might think I should get a life . I'm just fine thank you. I'm resting and waiting to go home.

I really appreciate your heartfelt honesty, @Tall_Timbers. You are definitely someone I wish I could take "Life Experience" classes from. I always enjoy your posts for the wisdom and personal experience.

Your family and children are very blessed to have you. I don't have children, but I try to understand the importance of speaking well of people. Recently I ran into a situation where someone told me I needed to speak more critically to someone else, but I felt that wasn't what I was supposed to do. Rather, I believed God told me to point out and praise the good things that person had done instead.

Now of course there are times when I know we must be upfront with people and not candy coat everything. And I am still trying to shake off "church judge-i-ness" that seems so prevalent (the "we, the holy people of God" vs. "everyone else who doesn't believe like us and must be corrected at every turn" attitude.)

It's wonderful to hear that you're at a point in your life where you're able to enjoy all the fruits of God's goodness and your labor! I really hope you are enjoying this stage of life.

Thank you so much for everything you share with us here.

 

[seoulsearch]

I have found that marital estate, single estate, or any estate is of little consequence, except spiritual estate. And this transcends every other estate. When we can, like Paul, find contentment in any estate, we will find peace and joy, and Christ, in every estate.
There truly is a relationship with Christ that transcends our circumstances. We have a good Shepherd who can satisfy all our longings. In Him we can find a rest, a veritable oasis of beauty and provision in the most unpleasant of circumstances. The mistake we make is that we think we need to be free of the difficulty to secure the blessing. But the blessing is the Shepherd coming in the midst of the trial.

I find, for myself, the misunderstanding of God's ways leads to my greatest discontent. God has made His people more than conquerors in Him. What does this actually mean? It means God allows the enemy to come against us in ways we cannot escape that He might come and deliver us, using the very thing the enemy would employ to harm us to give us victory.

We find this consistently throughout the Bible. The 3 Hebrew children would not kneel before a false god. They were met in the furnace by their Shepherd. The children of God stood with a sea before them and mountains on either side as an army was racing towards them. Their Shepherd led them to safety through the waters. Even at the cross, death seemingly quenched all hope; yet our Shepherd lives.

So getting a life will always be found in the One who is the way, the truth, and the LIFE. And finding life in Him means not looking for Him to take away your difficulties, but meeting you in the midst of them...Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...Thou art with me...

This is probably a little more than you were looking for. If so, my apologies.

Hi Cameron,

I appreciate the sound spiritual reminder. I always admire your unshakeable faith.

I have to admit to slightly envying anyone who has truly learned to be content in every situation due knowing that their true life is with Jesus.

Right now I have to admit to struggling in my faith. I was always taught about how wonderful heaven would be, how there will be no more tears, poverty, and sickness, and how everything would be perfect "when we are with Jesus."

So I grew up thinking, "Why wouldn't everyone want to get to Jesus as soon as possible?"

I have some people in my life who are facing what seems like insurmountable challenges. And sometimes there is a thought that dying immediately would be ideal, because we would finally be "with Jesus." We are trying, but struggling, to find that rest with the Lord we are promised. I know it's there somewhere.

Thank you for all the spiritual encouragement you post on the site. Some of us are a bit lagging behind in our journey, but it's always good to have fellow believers reminding us of The Way.