What Are Singles Looking for in a Church Singles Group, Anyway?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

We've had many posts here from singles who are frustrated at the lack of support they get from their local churches.

Many years ago, a mentor challenged me to start a Singles Group, and many more years later, by chance, I sort of fell into doing so -- but online. For anyone interested, I wrote about the numerous challenges I found during that time:

https://christianchat.com/christian...nteer-committee-would-you-sign-up-for.219047/


This got me thinking about how an effective Singles Group would REALLY work.

For instance, in Singles Groups, you have to think about things like:

1. What happens when the best-looking people in the group are the ones everyone wants -- and people start feuding over them? (Especially when each one believes GOD has chosen that person specifically FOR THEM!) I've seen this kind of jealousy ruin a lot of groups and friendships.

2. What happens if someone starts stalking someone else in the group? (This seems to be more and more common. Many people are so lonely that even a "Hi" from someone of the opposite sex is seen as a marriage proposal.) I've known a lot of people who have had to change their phone numbers multiple times, and sometimes even churches.

4. What happens if someone gets pregnant? Is the couple automatically kicked out from the group? And how are incidences of "fornication without getting caught via pregnancy" to be handled?

5. What happens when everyone gets bored and leaves, because the same people show up every week -- everyone decides there is no one in the group is "up to their standards" -- and everyone goes on to the next meat market to hunt down other prey?

If you're in a small church, this is especially problematic because there's little chance of any newcomers. The leadership will have poured their heart and soul into something that collapses just as soon as everyone gets a good look at one another. And does this mean that people should then move on to the NEXT small church Singles Group -- not finding anyone there either -- and just keep rinsing and repeating the hunt at every churches in the area?

6. What do people expect a Singles Group to be, anyway? Just a group that has meetups and activities to find a date? And if no one likes anyone there "that way", does the group simply just disband?

I have been thinking a lot about what the church's role in helping singles meet each other could or should be -- but I'm unsure of how these kinds of issues are to be worked through (because from my experience, it would be foolish to not anticipate them.)

I'm leaning more towards the idea of a group designed as a Bible Study Aimed at Singles, but also with fun, free, and cost-efficient activities for people to meet and get to know each other.

This way, if some people ARE treating it more like a meat market and leave right after scoping out "the goods", anyone sincere about the Bible study might stay, and the group has a chance of surviving.

But I suppose some will say that if it's a Singles Group and no one there is meeting anyone for the purpose of dating, the group has no reason to exist.

* What do you think?

Everyone is welcome to answer, but I'd especially like to hear from those who have experience being active members in such groups or leading them.

* How would you handle the challenges mentioned above? What are your ideas for dealing with them?

Most singles want to see some kind of support for singles/ways to connect with other singles at their churches.

But what can singles REALISTICALLY expect?

I would love to hear your thoughts!

 

[cinder]

I'm torn on my answer. Part of me wants to reiterate that singleness is not a problem that needs to be solved by getting married. The other part of me wants to capitulate to the fact that most people will be coming to singles group to try to find someone. So I'd lay down the law first thing that as people of God we're going to treat each other decently and respect each other's free will. Anyone incapable of doing that will be brought to the attention of church leadership or law enforcement if necessary. And then we're going to start by studying all the places in the bible that we're told not to fornicate. I expect the group will fold by week 3.

 

[seoulsearch]

And then we're going to start by studying all the places in the bible that we're told not to fornicate. I expect the group will fold by week 3.

LOL!!!

I grew up in Lutheran schools, and most notably, a Lutheran high school.

Let me tell you, NO ONE tries to argue their way around the "no fornication" rule like a bunch of hormone-ridden Lutheran teenagers! (At least, in my observation.)

And now there's something in me that WANTS to start a Church Singles Group JUST to hear you preach a series of anti-fornication sermons...

I don't care if it only last 3 weeks.

I'm sure it will be 10 times more amusing than anything I heard in Lutheran school.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I'm leaning more towards the idea of a group designed as a Bible Study Aimed at Singles, but also with fun, free, and cost-efficient activities for people to meet and get to know each other.

This way, if some people ARE treating it more like a meat market and leave right after scoping out "the goods", anyone sincere about the Bible study might stay, and the group has a chance of surviving.

This!! If a singles group is created for the sole purpose of meeting "the one" then it will definitely fizzle out, probably by week 3 if cinder is doing their fornication preaching.
But if there's a deeper purpose to it like seeking Jesus and studying His word then that will attract and likely keep more people interested because it's not just about finding a partner but rather learning more about God, growing in relationship with Him, and maturing as a follower of Christ.

I gotta say, as a single Christian, yes I'd like to meet someone but I honestly just want some Christian friends. I'd love to attend a singles Bible study because it would be a great place to meet people who are in a similar life stage - singleness! And let's be honest, sometimes there's shame connected with singleness in Christian circles, so to have a group without that shame, judgement, or unsolicited but well intended "advice" from married people would be really nice.

Loneliness is an epidemic these days, people are longing for connection, so a group that's focused on studying the Bible and making friends would have a good chance of succeeding.

 

[cinder]

I guess practically, a good first group activity would be to have everyone lidt their top 3 or 5 biggest challenges of living the single life. Like moving and rearranging furniture (or trying to build things from amazon or ikea). Or maybe that could be a thread here.

 

[seoulsearch]

I gotta say, as a single Christian, yes I'd like to meet someone but I honestly just want some Christian friends. I'd love to attend a singles Bible study because it would be a great place to meet people who are in a similar life stage - singleness! And let's be honest, sometimes there's shame connected with singleness in Christian circles, so to have a group without that shame, judgement, or unsolicited but well intended "advice" from married people would be really nice.

Loneliness is an epidemic these days, people are longing for connection, so a group that's focused on studying the Bible and making friends would have a good chance of succeeding.

I love this honest answer (and it's a lot more precise than the one I was fumbling around with!)

I often just start babbling/brainstorming off into the horizon because I'm floating ideas, but am not sure how to make any of them stick.

You hit the nail right on it's singular head!! What I have in mind is more of a Friendship/Casual Bible Study group that mixes in a little more social engagement than most, with the goal of making friendships and connections. If any couples/marriages resulted, great!

But if not, there wouldn't be any pressure and it would be more about getting to know each other and helping each other out.

If people want to take a deep dive into Psalms in the original languages, I'm sure they could find other resources for that.

But what I envision is more of a setting in which you could build friendships with people so that hopefully, if someone was moving, there would be others to help out; if someone had car trouble, others could give advice or help with rides; if people were lonely, we could have popcorn and movie nights; if we had a lot of introverts, we could have events and chats online, etc.

Ultimately, I'm always thinking about how single people could find a way to help look out for each other.

 

[seoulsearch]

I just wanted to add though...

Whether it would be an official Dating Group or just a Friendship Group, I'd STILL want to hear a series of lectures from @cinder about fornication.

I've heard her teach other Bible lessons before and she's pretty darn good at it, so I'm sure she could sail through the issue of fornication -- preaching against it, not committing it -- like a pro!

 

[cinder]

I just wanted to add though...

Whether it would be an official Dating Group or just a Friendship Group, I'd STILL want to hear a series of lectures from @cinder about fornication.

I've heard her teach other Bible lessons before and she's pretty darn good at it, so I'm sure she could sail through the issue of fornication -- preaching against it, not committing it -- like a pro!

Well I've definitely been single for so long I'm not sure I could ever get over the learning curve required for committing fornication. I'm just a hopeless case in that regard. Now Bible trivia, I'll take on all comers. Same for board games. It's just those interpersonal (or is that extremely personal) relationships that don't make much sense to me. Probably because other people are so illogical.

 

[Lynx]

I think a church singles group should be kind of like a coffee shop. Lots of comfortable chairs, single chairs and sofas. Low background instrumental music. low lighting.

Bible studies should be announced on a dry erase board right inside the front door, the way many restaurants announce the special of the day. They should be held in a side room, with the door closed.

 

[seoulsearch]

I think a church singles group should be kind of like a coffee shop. Lots of comfortable chairs, single chairs and sofas. Low background instrumental music. low lighting.

Bible studies should be announced on a dry erase board right inside the front door, the way many restaurants announce the special of the day. They should be held in a side room, with the door closed.

Yes, exactly!

A low-key, low-stress, relaxing atmosphere where the goal is true Christian friendship, not just scholarship.

I think a lot of that is overlooked in the church. Now, I understand that the main goal of any church is spiritual growth and discipleship. But the spirit, just like the body, needs a variety of nutrients to grow, and I think the part of our spirits that need fun and conversations about our lives is really missing in a lot of church settings.

I know lots of Christians who are in all kinds of Bible studies and classes, but they have a side of their spirit that is crying out for life connections and true friends. We see it all the time.

Sure, we might have a Bible teacher who can go through every line of the Old Testament back to the original languages.

But when we're moving to a new place, will that same teacher or anyone else in that class be willing to come over and help us pack?

Even the Bible says that the Word without action is useless.

And I know I always feel a pull in my heart to try to help do something about this.

 

[Texasgal]

Hey Everyone,

We've had many posts here from singles who are frustrated at the lack of support they get from their local churches.

Many years ago, a mentor challenged me to start a Singles Group, and many more years later, by chance, I sort of fell into doing so -- but online. For anyone interested, I wrote about the numerous challenges I found during that time:

https://christianchat.com/christian...nteer-committee-would-you-sign-up-for.219047/


This got me thinking about how an effective Singles Group would REALLY work.

For instance, in Singles Groups, you have to think about things like:

1. What happens when the best-looking people in the group are the ones everyone wants -- and people start feuding over them? (Especially when each one believes GOD has chosen that person specifically FOR THEM!) I've seen this kind of jealousy ruin a lot of groups and friendships.

2. What happens if someone starts stalking someone else in the group? (This seems to be more and more common. Many people are so lonely that even a "Hi" from someone of the opposite sex is seen as a marriage proposal.) I've known a lot of people who have had to change their phone numbers multiple times, and sometimes even churches.

4. What happens if someone gets pregnant? Is the couple automatically kicked out from the group? And how are incidences of "fornication without getting caught via pregnancy" to be handled?

5. What happens when everyone gets bored and leaves, because the same people show up every week -- everyone decides there is no one in the group is "up to their standards" -- and everyone goes on to the next meat market to hunt down other prey?

If you're in a small church, this is especially problematic because there's little chance of any newcomers. The leadership will have poured their heart and soul into something that collapses just as soon as everyone gets a good look at one another. And does this mean that people should then move on to the NEXT small church Singles Group -- not finding anyone there either -- and just keep rinsing and repeating the hunt at every churches in the area?

6. What do people expect a Singles Group to be, anyway? Just a group that has meetups and activities to find a date? And if no one likes anyone there "that way", does the group simply just disband?

I have been thinking a lot about what the church's role in helping singles meet each other could or should be -- but I'm unsure of how these kinds of issues are to be worked through (because from my experience, it would be foolish to not anticipate them.)

I'm leaning more towards the idea of a group designed as a Bible Study Aimed at Singles, but also with fun, free, and cost-efficient activities for people to meet and get to know each other.

This way, if some people ARE treating it more like a meat market and leave right after scoping out "the goods", anyone sincere about the Bible study might stay, and the group has a chance of surviving.

But I suppose some will say that if it's a Singles Group and no one there is meeting anyone for the purpose of dating, the group has no reason to exist.

* What do you think?

Everyone is welcome to answer, but I'd especially like to hear from those who have experience being active members in such groups or leading them.

* How would you handle the challenges mentioned above? What are your ideas for dealing with them?

Most singles want to see some kind of support for singles/ways to connect with other singles at their churches.

But what can singles REALISTICALLY expect?

I would love to hear your thoughts!

Only one thing to do. Leave your glasses at home and have some glasses when you roam.😂

 

[justahumanbeing]

A very innovative way to meet people, I'm sure. Especially Christians. I am a single myself. Been one eternally up until today and counting. I have been to marriage counseling. I have had Pastors tell me to my face that I don't deserve to be married because of my present financial status. I have had women tell me that I don't have enough money to support them either directly or indirectly. Like I care what those people think right. But they're wrong to look at it that way.

Marriage is based more on faith and hope. The Bible calls marriage a Covenant? A promise between two souls to share their lives with each other. And where @seoulsearch is from is foreign country where there is a dating culture. So, it's no surprise that people use those Singles groups as they do a matrimonial site here in India. "Meat Market", is close to the truth as that's how it is looked at.

I long gave up on such sites online and even in a Church community. That's me. It is sad that society is such. We as Christians are believers right? So, I think that if someone is ours and meant to be with us, that person will come and stay. We don't have to go looking is what I feel. Just pray to God and wait. If it is meant to be, it will happen. That's how I wait at least. With Hope. With love. Not easy. Difficult to do.

I'm not afraid to live the rest of my life as I am though. Nothing wrong with singleness. It just means that there isn't someone who matches your heart. That's all

 

[SirSolaScriptura]

I’d say less of the Bible Study, and Worship/Band set up.. how am I suppose to get to know someome in 15mins when the rest of the time is taken up by the band?

 

[Edith]

Hey Everyone,

We've had many posts here from singles who are frustrated at the lack of support they get from their local churches.

Many years ago, a mentor challenged me to start a Singles Group, and many more years later, by chance, I sort of fell into doing so -- but online. For anyone interested, I wrote about the numerous challenges I found during that time:

https://christianchat.com/christian...nteer-committee-would-you-sign-up-for.219047/


This got me thinking about how an effective Singles Group would REALLY work.

For instance, in Singles Groups, you have to think about things like:

1. What happens when the best-looking people in the group are the ones everyone wants -- and people start feuding over them? (Especially when each one believes GOD has chosen that person specifically FOR THEM!) I've seen this kind of jealousy ruin a lot of groups and friendships.

2. What happens if someone starts stalking someone else in the group? (This seems to be more and more common. Many people are so lonely that even a "Hi" from someone of the opposite sex is seen as a marriage proposal.) I've known a lot of people who have had to change their phone numbers multiple times, and sometimes even churches.

4. What happens if someone gets pregnant? Is the couple automatically kicked out from the group? And how are incidences of "fornication without getting caught via pregnancy" to be handled?

5. What happens when everyone gets bored and leaves, because the same people show up every week -- everyone decides there is no one in the group is "up to their standards" -- and everyone goes on to the next meat market to hunt down other prey?

If you're in a small church, this is especially problematic because there's little chance of any newcomers. The leadership will have poured their heart and soul into something that collapses just as soon as everyone gets a good look at one another. And does this mean that people should then move on to the NEXT small church Singles Group -- not finding anyone there either -- and just keep rinsing and repeating the hunt at every churches in the area?

6. What do people expect a Singles Group to be, anyway? Just a group that has meetups and activities to find a date? And if no one likes anyone there "that way", does the group simply just disband?

I have been thinking a lot about what the church's role in helping singles meet each other could or should be -- but I'm unsure of how these kinds of issues are to be worked through (because from my experience, it would be foolish to not anticipate them.)

I'm leaning more towards the idea of a group designed as a Bible Study Aimed at Singles, but also with fun, free, and cost-efficient activities for people to meet and get to know each other.

This way, if some people ARE treating it more like a meat market and leave right after scoping out "the goods", anyone sincere about the Bible study might stay, and the group has a chance of surviving.

But I suppose some will say that if it's a Singles Group and no one there is meeting anyone for the purpose of dating, the group has no reason to exist.

* What do you think?

Everyone is welcome to answer, but I'd especially like to hear from those who have experience being active members in such groups or leading them.

* How would you handle the challenges mentioned above? What are your ideas for dealing with them?

Most singles want to see some kind of support for singles/ways to connect with other singles at their churches.

But what can singles REALISTICALLY expect?

I would love to hear your thoughts!

Hi dear Singles, Every group in church is for discipleship and outreach. it is for the Christian to grow and become more Christlike and the goal of a mature believer is to spread the word of God. so the Goal is made known to all and all move according to the goal. Now to have the Goal maintained, have rules and regulations and necessary disciplinary measures. we catch you in fornication you do a supervised prayer retreat. You get pregnant we bless your marriage the next week. we make it and stick to the mind. above all we pray and study the word together and encourage everyone to study the word. we pray for the Holy spirits fire to always be among us. The word of God has a cleansing power that rules no regulations can match.

So the Word, prayers, Holy Spirits, rules regulations and disciplinary measures.