Guarding Your Heart Without Hardening It

[SoulFaith]

I've been thinking about something lately.

Many of us have experienced disappointment, betrayal, deception or heartbreak at some point in our lives. Sometimes even from people who called themselves Christians. Those experiences can teach us valuable lessons and make us wiser, but they can also leave us fearful, suspicious or hesitant to trust again.

The Bible tells us, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" (Proverbs 4:23). It also encourages us, "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable... think about these things" (Philippians 4:8).

So how do we find the balance?

How do we guard our hearts without hardening them? How do we become discerning without becoming cynical? How do we learn from painful experiences without assuming the worst about every new person we meet?

Personally, I believe wisdom and discernment are essential, especially when getting to know someone. But I also don't want fear or past disappointments to determine how I see every person God brings into my life.

I'm curious to hear your thoughts. Have difficult experiences changed the way you approach relationships? What Bible passages have helped you find that balance between wisdom, trust and grace?

 

[ResidentAlien]

I've been thinking about something lately.

Many of us have experienced disappointment, betrayal, deception or heartbreak at some point in our lives. Sometimes even from people who called themselves Christians. Those experiences can teach us valuable lessons and make us wiser, but they can also leave us fearful, suspicious or hesitant to trust again.

The Bible tells us, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" (Proverbs 4:23). It also encourages us, "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable... think about these things" (Philippians 4:8).

So how do we find the balance?

How do we guard our hearts without hardening them? How do we become discerning without becoming cynical? How do we learn from painful experiences without assuming the worst about every new person we meet?

Personally, I believe wisdom and discernment are essential, especially when getting to know someone. But I also don't want fear or past disappointments to determine how I see every person God brings into my life.

I'm curious to hear your thoughts. Have difficult experiences changed the way you approach relationships? What Bible passages have helped you find that balance between wisdom, trust and grace?

Sounds like the story of my life. In my experience, all of God's word is helpful; and prayer. Wisdom and discernment come with time, experience and trusting the Lord. Just keep walking the path; one step at a time, one day at a time.

 

[Lynx]

"I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn and leave you here"

- Quarterflash


A big part of it is learning the difference between a hard heart and not wasting resources. I don't give money to anybody who calls me up asking for it because there are scammers. That's not me being hard hearted, that's me knowing there are larcenous people and my money would be wasted on them.

A friend is crying because his girl just broke up with him, but I know he's a player and this is the 16th "relationship" in five months. Is it hard hearted to tell him to get over it, or is it not wasting time because I know this cycle will repeat next week?

(Real example) A family is known around town for being leeches. When they attach themselves to your church they are only there for the free church dinners and someone to pay their electric bill. They have been from church to church, sucking all the church will give them before moving on to the next one. Sooooooo... When they keep asking me to give them a ride to somewhere, where is the line between a hard heart and knowing this is just more leeching?

 

[LifelongLearner]

"I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn and leave you here"

- Quarterflash


A big part of it is learning the difference between a hard heart and not wasting resources. I don't give money to anybody who calls me up asking for it because there are scammers. That's not me being hard hearted, that's me knowing there are larcenous people and my money would be wasted on them.

A friend is crying because his girl just broke up with him, but I know he's a player and this is the 16th "relationship" in five months. Is it hard hearted to tell him to get over it, or is it not wasting time because I know this cycle will repeat next week?

(Real example) A family is known around town for being leeches. When they attach themselves to your church they are only there for the free church dinners and someone to pay their electric bill. They have been from church to church, sucking all the church will give them before moving on to the next one. Sooooooo... When they keep asking me to give them a ride to somewhere, where is the line between a hard heart and knowing this is just more leeching?

Spot on! Now being about six grand poorer over the last couple of years, due to giving people the benefit of the doubt, i've learned my lesson at last.

 

[SoulFaith]

"I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn and leave you here"

- Quarterflash


A big part of it is learning the difference between a hard heart and not wasting resources. I don't give money to anybody who calls me up asking for it because there are scammers. That's not me being hard hearted, that's me knowing there are larcenous people and my money would be wasted on them.

A friend is crying because his girl just broke up with him, but I know he's a player and this is the 16th "relationship" in five months. Is it hard hearted to tell him to get over it, or is it not wasting time because I know this cycle will repeat next week?

(Real example) A family is known around town for being leeches. When they attach themselves to your church they are only there for the free church dinners and someone to pay their electric bill. They have been from church to church, sucking all the church will give them before moving on to the next one. Sooooooo... When they keep asking me to give them a ride to somewhere, where is the line between a hard heart and knowing this is just more leeching?

I think that's an important distinction and I agree that wisdom is not the same as being naive.

Scripture doesn't call us to ignore patterns of harmful behavior or to enable people who repeatedly take advantage of others. Jesus Himself told His disciples to be "wise as serpents and innocent as doves" (Matthew 10:16).

For me, the question is more about what happens inside our own hearts. It's possible to set healthy boundaries without becoming bitter and it's possible to be discerning without assuming that every new person has bad intentions.

I think that's the balance I'm trying to understand and grow in.

 

[Lanolin]

Are you referring to Matthew 19:8?

I'm not sure (cos I haven't been divorced) but I do know that the Bible talks about having a circumcised heart.

I'm not sure who you referring to, as I don't see people being bitter, or anybody assuming every new person has bad intentions. I just think boundaries are very hard to put in place when people keep hopping over them, and we just need to be aware or warned about wolves in sheep's clothing.

We also can put on the armour of God. I've heard some Christians just go out into the world unequipped and naked and just aren't all that prepared for what the world will take from them. Sometimes you just need to be taught not to cast your pearls before swine and you just can't give EVERYTHING away. Jesus said if you have TWO coats you can give one away, not give away your only coat and then you be naked and shivering while the other person is toasty warm.

 

[Lanolin]

The other thing is learning to be assertive. I think it's harder for women to do this, say no, etc because if we do, we're just seen as selfish bitchy. But sometimes you just have to be straight up and honest and not people pleasing. Well actually I'd prefer if people were honest all the time and not pandering to me or coddling me like an infant or thinking I must have been born yesterday.

Unfortunately, when you are young and foolish there's really no way of being old and wise, until we grow up... its just the way we are as humans.

Eve wanted to be wise...
She was innocent until she ate the forbidden fruit. She was deceived. After she was deceived, God cursed her with desiring her husband to rule over her. She couldn't trust her own judgement anymore.

Solomon asked for wisdom when he was only young, maybe even in his teens. He was going to rule a kingdom. But we all know what happened, he didn't listen to his own advice. He only got wise after he'd been through all he had been through with his 900 wives or so.

But both Eve and Solomon just kept on and didn't give up. I think we just go day by day , be thankful, put our trust in God and not worry too much about tomorrow. Hindsight isn't always fun to look back on, but we can sort of laugh about it. And laughter is the best medicine.

 

[LifelongLearner]

I think that's an important distinction and I agree that wisdom is not the same as being naive.

Scripture doesn't call us to ignore patterns of harmful behavior or to enable people who repeatedly take advantage of others. Jesus Himself told His disciples to be "wise as serpents and innocent as doves" (Matthew 10:16).

For me, the question is more about what happens inside our own hearts. It's possible to set healthy boundaries without becoming bitter and it's possible to be discerning without assuming that every new person has bad intentions.

I think that's the balance I'm trying to understand and grow in.

"It's possible to set healthy boundaries without becoming bitter and it's possible to be discerning without assuming that every new person has bad intentions."

What you said there is just so right, i can condemn some actions but not people, walk a mile in my shoes is a saying i really understand.

However, it's my choice to give people chances and if they abuse the opportunity too much, i stop doing so. Both decisions are my choice and i take responsibility for my choices.

 

[Lynx]

"It's possible to set healthy boundaries without becoming bitter and it's possible to be discerning without assuming that every new person has bad intentions."

What you said there is just so right, i can condemn some actions but not people, walk a mile in my shoes is a saying i really understand.

However, it's my choice to give people chances and if they abuse the opportunity too much, i stop doing so. Both decisions are my choice and i take responsibility for my choices.

I think a big part of it is not assuming everyone of a certain particular group will act a certain way.

Somebody got scratched by a cat so he thinks all cats are mean. Somebody grew up with a sweet kitty so he likes all cats, and is always surprised when a cat hisses at him or takes a swipe. But all cats are different. If you assume they are all mean you miss out on a lot of purring. If you assume they are all nice you are going to be surprised, and scratched. You gotta stay aware of the signs a cat will give you about what kind of cat he is.

Same with people. Just because somebody was rude to you, don't let that make you a bitter old goat. Just because one person was nice to you, don't throw your heart away on every shill that comes along. You need to take every person on his own personality instead of assuming anything. "Yeah, he's just like all the rest." If you even HAVE an "all the rest" category in your mind, you have already become a bitter old goat.

 

[LifelongLearner]

I think a big part of it is not assuming everyone of a certain particular group will act a certain way.

Somebody got scratched by a cat so he thinks all cats are mean. Somebody grew up with a sweet kitty so he likes all cats, and is always surprised when a cat hisses at him or takes a swipe. But all cats are different. If you assume they are all mean you miss out on a lot of purring. If you assume they are all nice you are going to be surprised, and scratched. You gotta stay aware of the signs a cat will give you about what kind of cat he is.

Same with people. Just because somebody was rude to you, don't let that make you a bitter old goat. Just because one person was nice to you, don't throw your heart away on every shill that comes along. You need to take every person on his own personality instead of assuming anything. "Yeah, he's just like all the rest." If you even HAVE an "all the rest" category in your mind, you have already become a bitter old goat.

Know what Lynx, i've always been the look for the good and you'll find it type. Become more circumspect due to changes wrought by the craziness abounding since '20, however, that still feels cosy to me.
Not perfect but do as you would be done by is still something to live by, from my point of view. We're lucky to know the LORD will set all to rights, my heart goes out to those who don't have that security. Have found the vast majority of people i engage with now react with a wistful positivity, when i say God's blessings and hugs from me etc. Previously, many clearly thought i was barking mad saying stuff like that.
It's a lovely change to see and so hope many truly reach out to the LORD.

 

[cinder]

Guard your heart is about more than just relationships, and maybe if we look beyond relationships we'll understand better how to apply that principle to relationships.

I think about the only lottery ticket I've ever bought. Back when Powerball was over $2 billion (or something like that) I eventually got caught up in the hype and purchased a whole 1 ticket for it. And even knowing the astronomical odds against winning, I couldn't stop thinking about what I would do with all that money (more than I think I could ever spend since I have reasonably simple tastes and have spent a lifetime in a saver mindset). And after the drawing and surprise surprise I didn't win, I realized I didn't like the person I was becoming in those few days between buying the ticket. So now I guard my heart against the lottery and have resolved I'll never buy another lottery ticket.

I think about the times when I take a break from my podcasts and news sites (that I habitually seem to turn to during slow times at work) and I realize how much of the stuff I consume determines where my focus is directed. More breaks to allow more time spent with worship music makes a big difference in outlook. So that's another way to guard my heart from the outrage and fear mongers in the culture at large.

So when it comes to relationships in general guarding my heart is keeping a focus on what real love looks like (serving another, seeking the good and God's best for another, remembering that my crush/partner belongs to God first and isn't my possesion). When an actual other person is involved, guarding my heart looks like making sure I keep my ideas of what a boyfriend should be distinct from my understanding of who the person I'm dating is. He probably won't meet all of my ideals, but the question before me is not how to force him to conform to all my ideals, but whether I find this person suitable enough to decide to stick with them for the long haul. Or to summarize, guarding my heart in a relationship looks a lot like not expecting that relationship to fulfill all the hopes and dreams I have for my life. Getting married isn't a magical ticket to go directly to happily ever after, do not pass through hard times, do not have conflict or disagreement ever again (even though every romcom makes it look like after the first fight you make up then get married and never have a conflict again).

Guarding your heart with people is about anchoring your opinions to behavior you observe and not letting your heart and attachments run ahead. The guy who is rude to the waitress but nice to you on your first date is not a nice person. The guy who is flying off the handle every time he gets behind the wheel, will likely fly off the handle when other parts of life get tough. And if you're dating someone in real life that you can both talk to people who know your partner, you can determine such character traits and quirks pretty quickly. Keep the ooey gooey romance, over the top declarations of love and devotion, and physical stuff until after you've connected through conversation and established that you have shared values and faith and are compatible in how you live your lives. Then you'll have a good foundation for when the emotions don't come so easily (which happens in the best of long term relationships). And for those who suffer analysis paralysis, set a decide by date. Within a year or 18 months of dating someone (in person, if you are seriously dating someone best is to order your life so you can spend time in person together) you should be able to decide if you're going to be all in and willing to choose this person over all others or if this person isn't the one and you need to call it off. Don't drag along a mediocre relationship with a person who is better than being alone but not good enough to marry, that's not treating people well.

 

[SoulFaith]

Are you referring to Matthew 19:8?

I'm not sure (cos I haven't been divorced) but I do know that the Bible talks about having a circumcised heart.

I'm not sure who you referring to, as I don't see people being bitter, or anybody assuming every new person has bad intentions. I just think boundaries are very hard to put in place when people keep hopping over them, and we just need to be aware or warned about wolves in sheep's clothing.

We also can put on the armour of God. I've heard some Christians just go out into the world unequipped and naked and just aren't all that prepared for what the world will take from them. Sometimes you just need to be taught not to cast your pearls before swine and you just can't give EVERYTHING away. Jesus said if you have TWO coats you can give one away, not give away your only coat and then you be naked and shivering while the other person is toasty warm.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I actually agree with much of what you said.

I wasn't referring to Matthew 19:8 specifically. My question was more about the condition of our hearts after we've been hurt or disappointed.

I completely agree that we need healthy boundaries and discernment. Jesus warned us about wolves in sheep's clothing (Matthew 7:15) and He also told His disciples to be "wise as serpents and innocent as doves" (Matthew 10:16). Those verses remind us that wisdom is an important part of the Christian life.

For me, the challenge is making sure that wisdom doesn't slowly turn into suspicion of everyone or that healthy boundaries don't become bitterness. I believe we can be both discerning and compassionate at the same time and that's the balance I'm trying to learn.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I think it reminds us that biblical discernment and a heart that remains open to God's leading are not opposites. They're meant to go together.

 

[seoulsearch]

I've been thinking about something lately.

Many of us have experienced disappointment, betrayal, deception or heartbreak at some point in our lives. Sometimes even from people who called themselves Christians. Those experiences can teach us valuable lessons and make us wiser, but they can also leave us fearful, suspicious or hesitant to trust again.

The Bible tells us, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" (Proverbs 4:23). It also encourages us, "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable... think about these things" (Philippians 4:8).

So how do we find the balance?

How do we guard our hearts without hardening them? How do we become discerning without becoming cynical? How do we learn from painful experiences without assuming the worst about every new person we meet?

Personally, I believe wisdom and discernment are essential, especially when getting to know someone. But I also don't want fear or past disappointments to determine how I see every person God brings into my life.

I'm curious to hear your thoughts. Have difficult experiences changed the way you approach relationships? What Bible passages have helped you find that balance between wisdom, trust and grace?

Hi @SoulFaith,

What an excellent thread, and something that doesn't get talked about enough! Thank you for starting this topic!

There are so many other wise, seasoned posters here who have said everything I could say and in much better ways, so I'll just add this:

I have learned to "Trust, But Verify" -- most especially when it comes to dating.

Over the years here in Singles, we've had many debates over how, in the Christian community, we need to trust potential spouses because marriages are built on trust.

But in turn, how much do we trust without verifying?

Do we just trust what the person tells us, or do we ask for receipts? Do we trust when someone says they don't have an STD (sexually transmitted disease,) or do we ask to see official medical records?

Do we trust it when someone says they have a certain career or amount of money in the bank, or do we verify?

I fell for this one myself, and have told this story a few times:

The very day after I got married, I went to clean out my husband's car as a surprise -- and started finding receipts. He had told me he had $10,000 in the bank, and I worked our new budget off what he said he had and what I had in my account.

Well, I started finding receipts, and it turns out he had much, much less -- I think about $100? Which isn't bad (and I certainly didn't marry him for money -- we were both broke college students,) but when you work a budget based on $10,000 and find it's cut to $100 (and even with your contributions, the bills coming in are way more than that,) it causes A LOT of stress.

And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I did not know that my husband had a shopping addiction. He bought things to soothe his emotions, and even though we paid off that $10,000 credit card bill (imagine this being the start of your marriage,) he would just secretly open more cards and max those out, too. There would be credit card bills in the mail for $500 without warning. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

The one blessing in him leaving for a girlfriend about 2 years later was that he took all his debts with him. Praise God he didn't put my name on the cards (hoping I wouldn't find out about them,) or I probably would have never financially recovered.

And now, you can see why my motto is "Trust, But Verify" in every important life matter.

I require receipts. And I will never ask for a receipt that I can't produce on my side, which is why I keep detailed records of all the important things in my life.

Even God Himself requires proof:

"For as the body without the spirit is dead, faith without works is dead, too." -- James 2: 26

I know this passage is debated to high heaven, but I take it as God saying, "If you claim to talk the talk, show me that you walk the walk -- show Me your receipts."

Likewise, I am prepared to show my receipts -- and require that of anyone trying to get close to me.

I've heard some people say this is un-Christian because it shows a lack of trust. For me, it's not a lack of trust. It's a matter of integrity. Anyone who can stand on what they say should have no problems bringing the proof to back it to the right person. I find the people who get offended when asked for proof to be the questionable ones, unless the people asking for proof have no business doing so.

But I would hope that a potential spouse would definitely be seen as worthy of asking.

 

[Lanolin]

I was working in a bookstore, and it turned out some books were stolen and my boss caught the shoplifter. She was contrite (she'd stolen them for her kids) and he said he wouldn't charge her but she wasn't allowed to come in his store again.
Then he started being suspicious of anyone who looked like her (she was a certain race) and it got to be like he was racial profiling everyone who came into the store.

I don't think that helped any...he should have been guarding his merchandise not being rude to anyone who he thought looked like a shoplifter.

Because he didn't have enough money to employ more people in his store to keep an eye on everything, I suggested he put more mirrors where there were blindspots.

The thing once you start being suspicious of anyone who comes in, then you become the grumpy one who won't let anyone who looked like they had no money come in, and it sort of defeats the purpose of having a store. Also it takes time and energy to keep on hating people and thinking they the enemy all the time.

Jesus was being radical and saying love your enemies, do good to those who persecute you, turn the other cheek etc. I don't think he meant be a doormat, but just rise above it. I remember a phrase the Obamas used to say 'when they go low, we go high' as meaning don't stoop to their level, and maybe do something positive about it instead of dwelling on it.

So for example one of my church friends noticed that things were being stolen from the church...it was food. People were hungry. so instead of locking up the church and having signs up (i.e boundaries) she says God gave her the idea to host community meals, She got all the food donated from the supermarkets etc and had us make a meal every friday for all the hungry to come in and eat for free.

It's in the Bible to 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.'

meaning you disarm your enemy by being good so they won't want to steal from you. Abigail did this in spite of her foolish husbands stinginess, and won the heart of King David.

My boss could have had something like a giveaway or competition for people to win books, or he could have had a donation bin to support charities that would give books to children, or maybe he could had something where parents could sign up for angel minsitries or something and get sponsored for christmas gifts. IDK. Some thieves are actually just poor people trying to put food on the table. They not all wanting goods so they can sell it for drugs. And they aren't really thinking they are hurting the store owner or the wealthy person who looks like they have way too much so there's plenty to go around.


Temptation etc is maybe another seperate issue, especially in relationships. maybe there can be another thread on that.

 

[SoulFaith]

Hi @SoulFaith,

What an excellent thread, and something that doesn't get talked about enough! Thank you for starting this topic!

There are so many other wise, seasoned posters here who have said everything I could say and in much better ways, so I'll just add this:

I have learned to "Trust, But Verify" -- most especially when it comes to dating.

Over the years here in Singles, we've had many debates over how, in the Christian community, we need to trust potential spouses because marriages are built on trust.

But in turn, how much do we trust without verifying?

Do we just trust what the person tells us, or do we ask for receipts? Do we trust when someone says they don't have an STD (sexually transmitted disease,) or do we ask to see official medical records?

Do we trust it when someone says they have a certain career or amount of money in the bank, or do we verify?

I fell for this one myself, and have told this story a few times:

The very day after I got married, I went to clean out my husband's car as a surprise -- and started finding receipts. He had told me he had $10,000 in the bank, and I worked our new budget off what he said he had and what I had in my account.

Well, I started finding receipts, and it turns out he had much, much less -- I think about $100? Which isn't bad (and I certainly didn't marry him for money -- we were both broke college students,) but when you work a budget based on $10,000 and find it's cut to $100 (and even with your contributions, the bills coming in are way more than that,) it causes A LOT of stress.

And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I did not know that my husband had a shopping addiction. He bought things to soothe his emotions, and even though we paid off that $10,000 credit card bill (imagine this being the start of your marriage,) he would just secretly open more cards and max those out, too. There would be credit card bills in the mail for $500 without warning. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

The one blessing in him leaving for a girlfriend about 2 years later was that he took all his debts with him. Praise God he didn't put my name on the cards (hoping I wouldn't find out about them,) or I probably would have never financially recovered.

And now, you can see why my motto is "Trust, But Verify" in every important life matter.

I require receipts. And I will never ask for a receipt that I can't produce on my side, which is why I keep detailed records of all the important things in my life.

Even God Himself requires proof:

"For as the body without the spirit is dead, faith without works is dead, too." -- James 2: 26

I know this passage is debated to high heaven, but I take it as God saying, "If you claim to talk the talk, show me that you walk the walk -- show Me your receipts."

Likewise, I am prepared to show my receipts -- and require that of anyone trying to get close to me.

I've heard some people say this is un-Christian because it shows a lack of trust. For me, it's not a lack of trust. It's a matter of integrity. Anyone who can stand on what they say should have no problems bringing the proof to back it to the right person. I find the people who get offended when asked for proof to be the questionable ones, unless the people asking for proof have no business doing so.

But I would hope that a potential spouse would definitely be seen as worthy of asking.

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I really appreciate your "trust, but verify" perspective. I don't see it as a lack of trust either, but as wisdom and responsible stewardship, especially when it comes to major life decisions like marriage. Honesty and transparency build trust. They don't weaken it.

Thank you again for sharing your story and for contributing so thoughtfully to this discussion.

 

[Lanolin]

In terms of failed relationships, I'm thinking
after your hearts been broken or battered, you need to take it to God to mend.

Hurts and disappointments will come with life. I'm sure that as well as being hurt and disappointed, I probably have been the one to hurt and disappoint others at some point too. So there's forgiveness as well.

With the whole God allows divorce because your hearts were hard... somethings are possibly irreconcialable (sp?) or unable to be forgiven. So instead of being at loggerheads all the time, there can be. a clean break.

But if you been abused, get yourself to a safe space first. Don't go all out trying to get revenge. Ie you been cheated on, so you go out and cheat as a tit for tat. Let God avenge on behalf of his saints.

in saying so, of course try to prevent bad things from happening by being aware of what you getting yourself in for. And be wise about it, not everyone will be honest. But then not everyone will be a liar. If you take it up to God, who is not a man that He could lie, then He's the one we can trust above all else. If it looks like things are going awry, you need to ask God what's going on? And see it from His point of view.

 

[seoulsearch]

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I really appreciate your "trust, but verify" perspective. I don't see it as a lack of trust either, but as wisdom and responsible stewardship, especially when it comes to major life decisions like marriage. Honesty and transparency build trust. They don't weaken it.

Thank you again for sharing your story and for contributing so thoughtfully to this discussion.

My viewpoint is that if I can save just one person from going through the same heartache, it's more than worth it to share.

Thank you so much for writing this awesome thread and giving us the platform to do so!

 

[Lynx]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I actually agree with much of what you said.

I wasn't referring to Matthew 19:8 specifically. My question was more about the condition of our hearts after we've been hurt or disappointed.

I completely agree that we need healthy boundaries and discernment. Jesus warned us about wolves in sheep's clothing (Matthew 7:15) and He also told His disciples to be "wise as serpents and innocent as doves" (Matthew 10:16). Those verses remind us that wisdom is an important part of the Christian life.

For me, the challenge is making sure that wisdom doesn't slowly turn into suspicion of everyone or that healthy boundaries don't become bitterness. I believe we can be both discerning and compassionate at the same time and that's the balance I'm trying to learn.

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I think it reminds us that biblical discernment and a heart that remains open to God's leading are not opposites. They're meant to go together.

I have found that for me it depends a lot on keeping the correct perspective on what it cost me.

Say for example somebody at the gas station is begging for a tank of gas to get home. So I fill up his tank. Then I sit in the parking lot and watch him go back in the convenience store and come out with a whole arm load of deli fried food. (This example really happened to a pastor friend of mine.)

What have I lost? Just a little money. I'm going to lose that anyway when I die. It hasn't really cost me anything that is incredibly important in my life.

I'm not saying money is worthless. I need it to live. But the cost of a tank of gas is not worth getting all bitter when somebody cheats me out of it under sympathy clause.

 

[LifelongLearner]

Hi @SoulFaith,

What an excellent thread, and something that doesn't get talked about enough! Thank you for starting this topic!

There are so many other wise, seasoned posters here who have said everything I could say and in much better ways, so I'll just add this:

I have learned to "Trust, But Verify" -- most especially when it comes to dating.

Over the years here in Singles, we've had many debates over how, in the Christian community, we need to trust potential spouses because marriages are built on trust.

But in turn, how much do we trust without verifying?

Do we just trust what the person tells us, or do we ask for receipts? Do we trust when someone says they don't have an STD (sexually transmitted disease,) or do we ask to see official medical records?

Do we trust it when someone says they have a certain career or amount of money in the bank, or do we verify?

I fell for this one myself, and have told this story a few times:

The very day after I got married, I went to clean out my husband's car as a surprise -- and started finding receipts. He had told me he had $10,000 in the bank, and I worked our new budget off what he said he had and what I had in my account.

Well, I started finding receipts, and it turns out he had much, much less -- I think about $100? Which isn't bad (and I certainly didn't marry him for money -- we were both broke college students,) but when you work a budget based on $10,000 and find it's cut to $100 (and even with your contributions, the bills coming in are way more than that,) it causes A LOT of stress.

And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I did not know that my husband had a shopping addiction. He bought things to soothe his emotions, and even though we paid off that $10,000 credit card bill (imagine this being the start of your marriage,) he would just secretly open more cards and max those out, too. There would be credit card bills in the mail for $500 without warning. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

The one blessing in him leaving for a girlfriend about 2 years later was that he took all his debts with him. Praise God he didn't put my name on the cards (hoping I wouldn't find out about them,) or I probably would have never financially recovered.

And now, you can see why my motto is "Trust, But Verify" in every important life matter.

I require receipts. And I will never ask for a receipt that I can't produce on my side, which is why I keep detailed records of all the important things in my life.

Even God Himself requires proof:

"For as the body without the spirit is dead, faith without works is dead, too." -- James 2: 26

I know this passage is debated to high heaven, but I take it as God saying, "If you claim to talk the talk, show me that you walk the walk -- show Me your receipts."

Likewise, I am prepared to show my receipts -- and require that of anyone trying to get close to me.

I've heard some people say this is un-Christian because it shows a lack of trust. For me, it's not a lack of trust. It's a matter of integrity. Anyone who can stand on what they say should have no problems bringing the proof to back it to the right person. I find the people who get offended when asked for proof to be the questionable ones, unless the people asking for proof have no business doing so.

But I would hope that a potential spouse would definitely be seen as worthy of asking.

Bless you Seoul, so glad i'm at an age where Dreamer *my little cat* and i are really happy together, three would be a crowd. Crikey! Seems to me romantic relationships are pretty transactional now, when i was in the market it was looks, can they walk and chew gum at the same time etc which mattered.
However, honesty has always mattered, you deserve a good 'un and that dude wasn't by the look of it. Blessings and hugs.

 

[Churchgoer]

If you date publicly, meeting all circles of friends, that is easy to do. All your family and friends will look out for you.

If it is a secret, it will be very easy to fall into self imagined trap.

One pastor said, don't make it so exclusive that no one knows about it. He meant you should go to church, outing together in public.

I think this is very healthy approach. Nothing wrong with pure friendship.