Can a Christian marry someone they are not physically attracted to if they are spiritually compatible?

[Churchgoer]

As long as people are aware that passion looks different at 50+ than it does at 18.

As Erma Bombeck once said, sometimes "I love you" is not three words. Sometimes it is six. "Honey I filled your gas tank."

Absolutely
When I was 18, I was passionate about fine arts.

Now in 50s, I love theology debates and activeife style if a guy knows not much about Bible and not active, that to me is not much attractive.

 

[cinder]

While theoretically you could, it's probably not a good idea. But we need to add the caveat that attraction may be more than just physical. Someone of average, unremarkable looks can become attractive when you get to know them or see aspects of their personality that really connect with you. Not sure how it works for guys, but most women can grow to love a guy if he consistently treats her kindly and opens up to her emotionally, that's attractive to women regardless of how you look.

But really if you're thinking about marrying someone and aren't attracted enough to them to want to have marital relations with them, then you're either going to have to have a very awkward and difficult conversation before the wedding or you'll be defrauding them by marrying them without wanting to be a proper spouse to them. That's a pretty crappy way to treat someone you claim to love.

 

[Karlon]

Can a Christian marry someone they are not physically attracted to if they are spiritually compatible?

sure can & they do. most likely it would be a woman who does that. i, myself would never do that.

 

[Karlon]

sure can & they do. most likely it would be a woman who does that. i, myself would never do that.

i just remembered a certain g.f., back a while. we went on a vacation. within a half hour, she said to me, "you're not my type but we'll make it work....." we had been dating for about 2 months & then she says that, on vacation!!!!!! holy heavens!!!!

 

[celras]

"You," generically, as in anybody, or "me," specifically? Personally, I know what God desires from both partners in a marriage, but I only have control over myself. I have spent the time to develop godly character in many different ways, so I believe that I would be ready for marriage. However, I would be extremely cautious when it comes to who I would consider marrying because I know the type of woman that God says a man should look for. To keep it scriptural, as opposed to me just offering my own opinion on the matter, "A virtuous woman who can find?"

If you read enough threads here in the Singles forum, then you will recognize that another biggie is "age." Read the book of Ruth. It's only four chapters. If you read it, then you find that there was definitely a substantial age difference between Ruth and Boaz. Boaz was apparently somewhere around the same age as Naomi's deceased husband, and Naomi was the mother-in-law of Ruth. Boaz referred to Ruth as being a "damsel" or young woman, and he also commended her for not going after the "young men," so there was definitely an age gap between them. They did marry, and what was the result of that bond? Obed was born, who was the father of Jesse, who was the father of David, through whose line Christ was born into this world. This was God's desire from before the foundation of the world, but it took a woman like Ruth, who had committed to following God, for that desire to be fulfilled. Nowadays? Almost everyone has their own checklist, and their checklist greatly differs from God's checklist in many ways.​

God time.

Yes, and yes.

However if you see my other post about that 123 pre requirement, trust me, for 50 plus, very few will meet those requirements.

First 2 are hard core direction from God, I dare not to disobey.

The 3rd one is personal preference. I don't want marriage to start out as a charity event.

"However if you see my other post about that 123 pre requirement, trust me, for 50 plus, very few will meet those requirements.".

I did not read this post.

i just remembered a certain g.f., back a while. we went on a vacation. within a half hour, she said to me, "you're not my type but we'll make it work....." we had been dating for about 2 months & then she says that, on vacation!!!!!! holy heavens!!!!

And it did not work out.

 

[Karlon]

God time.

"However if you see my other post about that 123 pre requirement, trust me, for 50 plus, very few will meet those requirements.".

I did not read this post.

And it did not work out.

true. she was fine in many ways but didn't keep her word on this & that.

 

[Suze]

They can if they want to . I don't think it's a great idea though . Physical attraction is a deeply personal thing and it's not all about looks . Sex is a very very personal thing and , the thought of having to have sex with someone that I do not find at all physically attractive is terrifying , dare I say this ? It would b something that u / I would have to literally force myself / yourself to do and , surely our spouse would realise this and , probably b very hurt by it . No , it would b a terrible experience for both parties . When I say terrible , I'm under exaggerating . I know that in this modern society , some people r not to picky about who they have sex with but , that should not b the case with Christians . Our bodies , hearts and brains and genital areas , r all we really own and all we really have to give so , let's make sure that we only ever give them to some one who loves and desires and respects us , as much as we do them .

 

[Suze]

I think one thing that also has to be considered is that physical appearance changes.

Even couples who are attracted to each other will have to get used to each other's changing looks over time.

What is the Mrs. going to look like after having 4 babies and can't get back to her pre-baby weight?

What is the Mr. going to look like after he's slowed down, and now has a pot belly that looks like he's just as pregnant as his wife?

Whenever this topic is brought up (do we need to be attracted to someone to marry them,) most people say yes, they absolutely need to be attracted to the person.

But even if they do marry an attractive person, what's going to happen if either of both of them lose their attractiveness over time?

I don't have a solution to either dilemma -- is it better to marry someone you're not that attracted to, or marry someone you're very attracted to, but lose that attraction as they lose their looks over time? (And if you were ever attractive to that person, chances are, you're going to lose your looks at some point, too.)

I agree , but don't forget , that's a two way street , u r both going to change . My hubby once said something to me which can b taken both ways , good or bad but , I know he meant it as a good thing , he said ' it doesn't matter to me how old u get , I know what u really look like ' . He has since clarified his statement to mean , u will always b as beautiful as u were the day I first saw u . I was in my early twenties then , I'm 59 now .

 

[Suze]

Can a Christian marry someone they are not physically attracted to if they are spiritually compatible?

Also , u need to consider this scenario . U marry someone that u r not physically attracted to and this will b hard on u , eventually . Then one day , the thunderbolt strikes . U meet someone , or , your eyes lock across a crowded room . He's instantly deeply attracted to u , u r instantly deeply attracted to him . This is going to end very very badly .

 

[celras]

They can if they want to . I don't think it's a great idea though . Physical attraction is a deeply personal thing and it's not all about looks . Sex is a very very personal thing and , the thought of having to have sex with someone that I do not find at all physically attractive is terrifying , dare I say this ? It would b something that u / I would have to literally force myself / yourself to do and , surely our spouse would realise this and , probably b very hurt by it . No , it would b a terrible experience for both parties . When I say terrible , I'm under exaggerating . I know that in this modern society , some people r not to picky about who they have sex with but , that should not b the case with Christians . Our bodies , hearts and brains and genital areas , r all we really own and all we really have to give so , let's make sure that we only ever give them to some one who loves and desires and respects us , as much as we do them .

A very reasonable and realistic comment. Thank you.

 

[celras]

Also , u need to consider this scenario . U marry someone that u r not physically attracted to and this will b hard on u , eventually . Then one day , the thunderbolt strikes . U meet someone , or , your eyes lock across a crowded room . He's instantly deeply attracted to u , u r instantly deeply attracted to him . This is going to end very very badly .

Loneliness is not a reason to be with someone you don't like and might even come to hate.

 

[passion84god]

A very reasonable and realistic comment. Thank you.

Here's a very reasonable and realistic comment:

Your question was:

"Can a Christian marry someone they are not physically attracted to if they are spiritually compatible?"

The answer to this question is definitely "yes."

Are you a Christian?

Do you follow Christ's example?

Does Christ choose his bride based upon physical attraction or upon spiritual compatibility?

You know the answer to this question.

Perhaps the real question should be:

"Are people really Christians?"

You don't want to know my answer to that.

 

[celras]

Here's a very reasonable and realistic comment:

Your question was:

"Can a Christian marry someone they are not physically attracted to if they are spiritually compatible?"

The answer to this question is definitely "yes."

Are you a Christian?

Do you follow Christ's example?

Does Christ choose his bride based upon physical attraction or upon spiritual compatibility?

You know the answer to this question.

Perhaps the real question should be:

"Are people really Christians?"

You don't want to know my answer to that.

In many ultra-Orthodox (Haredi) Jewish communities, marriages are typically arranged through a system known as shidduch. This does not mean that the bride and groom are forced to marry someone they have never met. Instead, families or a professional matchmaker (shadchan) introduce two people who are considered compatible based on factors such as religious commitment, family background, values, character, and life goals.

The couple usually meets several times in a supervised and respectful setting before deciding whether to proceed. Both the man and the woman have the right to say no, and a marriage only takes place if both freely agree.

If either person feels that the match is not right, they are free to decline without moving forward. No marriage takes place unless both individuals willingly agree.

The idea behind this system is not to remove personal choice but to guide it. Instead of searching among thousands of potential partners, the couple is introduced to someone who already shares their core beliefs and vision for marriage.

They still exercise their own judgment and make their own decision, but they do so with the support and wisdom of their families and community.

This reminds us that freedom is not only about having unlimited choices. Sometimes, true freedom is having the opportunity to make a thoughtful and informed decision with the guidance of people who genuinely seek your well-being.

 

[Suze]

Here's a very reasonable and realistic comment:

Your question was:

"Can a Christian marry someone they are not physically attracted to if they are spiritually compatible?"

The answer to this question is definitely "yes."

Are you a Christian?

Do you follow Christ's example?

Does Christ choose his bride based upon physical attraction or upon spiritual compatibility?

You know the answer to this question.

Perhaps the real question should be:

"Are people really Christians?"

You don't want to know my answer to that.

With all due respect to u , the marriage union between humans is likely to contain a physical aspect and physical attraction is not all about looks . If u saw photos of my few boyfriends that I had b 4 I was baptised , there r some very nice looking guys , then u c my hubby who I think is gorgeous , but I know my family and friends don't think he is . To me he absolutely gorgeous , physical attraction is as varied and irrational as love and we all have different taste when it comes to looks .
The union of Christ and his bride is not at all physical and was never meant to b . God gave us the desire to procreate and to procreate with people that we r attracted to . Why would anyone want to do , the most intimate act which makes both parties deeply vulnerable , with someone that they r not physically attracted to ? That to me , is definitely the way of the world now , people just sleeping around with anyone just in order to get some kind of physical satisfaction . Real intimacy isn't just physical , it's also a spiritual experience , if u r doing it with someone that u r very attracted to . Making love in marriage is the one area in life where , the physical and spiritual meet and they compliment each other perfectly . My hubby and I r old and slightly overweight , we don't look like we used to that's for sure . But to me , he's gorgeous and always will b . We r still physically attracted to each other , no one else would b attracted to either of us now that's for sure .

 

[passion84god]

In many ultra-Orthodox (Haredi) Jewish communities, marriages are typically arranged through a system known as shidduch. This does not mean that the bride and groom are forced to marry someone they have never met. Instead, families or a professional matchmaker (shadchan) introduce two people who are considered compatible based on factors such as religious commitment, family background, values, character, and life goals.

The couple usually meets several times in a supervised and respectful setting before deciding whether to proceed. Both the man and the woman have the right to say no, and a marriage only takes place if both freely agree.

If either person feels that the match is not right, they are free to decline without moving forward. No marriage takes place unless both individuals willingly agree.

The idea behind this system is not to remove personal choice but to guide it. Instead of searching among thousands of potential partners, the couple is introduced to someone who already shares their core beliefs and vision for marriage.

They still exercise their own judgment and make their own decision, but they do so with the support and wisdom of their families and community.

This reminds us that freedom is not only about having unlimited choices. Sometimes, true freedom is having the opportunity to make a thoughtful and informed decision with the guidance of people who genuinely seek your well-being.

What does any of that have to do with the questions I asked you?

 

[celras]

What does any of that have to do with the questions I asked you?

Even in these ultra-Orthodox communities, if either person feels that the match is not right, they are free to decline without moving forward. No marriage takes place unless both individuals willingly agree. And the reason can be lack of physical attraction.

 

[passion84god]

God gave us the desire to procreate and to procreate with people that we r attracted to . Why would anyone want to do , the most intimate act which makes both parties deeply vulnerable , with someone that they r not physically attracted to ?

How about to fulfill God's will, which their own will ought to be aligned with?

Gen 29:16
And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.
Gen 29:17

Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

I have some questions for you, and I ask them respectfully, simply to make a point, and definitely not to start an argument.

Do you believe that the Bible is the word of God?

I trust that you do.

Do you believe that Jesus is "the Lion of the tribe of Judah"?

Again, I trust that you do.

Who gave birth to Judah?

Leah, who "was tender-eyed," or Rachel, who "was beautiful and well-favored"?

Of course, Leah did.

If you know the story, then you know that Jacob did not find Leah to be physically attractive, but God, if anybody cares about him and his point of view, obviously thought differently. So much so that he closed Rachel's womb and opened Leah's when he saw that Leah was hated by Jacob.

Gen 29:31
And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.

With this biblical example before us, did God want Jacob to procreate with someone he was not physically attracted to?

We both know that the answer to this question is "yes." People can believe whatever they want when it comes to "beauty" or anything else, but it irks me when they project their own opinions unto God as if he is somehow of the same mindset when he clearly isn't.

Just from reading comments in this section of the forum for the last few weeks, I have been greatly grieved. Why? Because it pains me when I see women here who seem to be very attractive inwardly talking about how they have struggled with things like their weight, or the different shape of their eyes, or being told by their alleged Christian boyfriend that they were not physically attractive in their eyes. To me, there is something terribly wrong with the eyesight of the types of men who make women feel this way, and as a man myself, it grieves me because I know how terribly wrong that is. Anyhow, like I said, I am not trying to start an argument here. I am simply trying to say that God's idea of "beauty" greatly differs from the world's idea of it. Worse still, it greatly differs from much of the church's idea of it.​

 

[Suze]

How about to fulfill God's will, which their own will ought to be aligned with?

Gen 29:16
And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.
Gen 29:17

Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

I have some questions for you, and I ask them respectfully, simply to make a point, and definitely not to start an argument.

Do you believe that the Bible is the word of God?

I trust that you do.

Do you believe that Jesus is "the Lion of the tribe of Judah"?

Again, I trust that you do.

Who gave birth to Judah?

Leah, who "was tender-eyed," or Rachel, who "was beautiful and well-favored"?

Of course, Leah did.

If you know the story, then you know that Jacob did not find Leah to be physically attractive, but God, if anybody cares about him and his point of view, obviously thought differently. So much so that he closed Rachel's womb and opened Leah's when he saw that Leah was hated by Jacob.

Gen 29:31
And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.

With this biblical example before us, did God want Jacob to procreate with someone he was not physically attracted to?

We both know that the answer to this question is "yes." People can believe whatever they want when it comes to "beauty" or anything else, but it irks me when they project their own opinions unto God as if he is somehow of the same mindset when he clearly isn't.

Just from reading comments in this section of the forum for the last few weeks, I have been greatly grieved. Why? Because it pains me when I see women here who seem to be very attractive inwardly talking about how they have struggled with things like their weight, or the different shape of their eyes, or being told by their alleged Christian boyfriend that they were not physically attractive in their eyes. To me, there is something terribly wrong with the eyesight of the types of men who make women feel this way, and as a man myself, it grieves me because I know how terribly wrong that is. Anyhow, like I said, I am not trying to start an argument here. I am simply trying to say that God's idea of "beauty" greatly differs from the world's idea of it. Worse still, it greatly differs from much of the church's idea of it.​

U r absolutely right , God's idea of beauty is not the same as ours but , we r not God , we r sinful flesh and God knows this about us . Also , it doesn't say that Jacob was not attracted to Leah , she's described as ' tender eyed ' , he just preferred Rachael .
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and , love is blind . Just two old proverbs from the UK . If we r Christians , we know that God will provide for us whatever we need in this life , in His own good time . God is aware that we r sinful flesh and God gave us our discernment and taste and desires in looking for a suitable life partner , in my opinion things r much more likely to go wrong in that area of life , if we try to force the issue maybe because we r lonely or in a rush to have children etc . We do much better in life if we wait patiently and trust in Him to bring the right person , who we find attractive and who is attracted to us , at the right time for both parties . I agree with everything that u have said . It's just that as a woman , I cannot help disliking the idea of having a man , that I'm not attracted to ( either physically or spiritually ) having sex with me . If u don't c someone in that way , u don't want to get physical with them . For a woman , to do such a thing , probably feels like only a few steps away from being abused . I haven't looked to c if u r a male or a female . If u r a male , it may b that u don't understand these kind of things from a women's prospective . That's ok . We r all individuals and , we r allowed to b . I'm not always great at explaining myself so I apologise for my clumsy language . I hope u can understand my point now , I don't really want to have to get more graphic about it .

 

[Churchgoer]

How about to fulfill God's will, which their own will ought to be aligned with?

Gen 29:16
And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.
Gen 29:17

Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

I have some questions for you, and I ask them respectfully, simply to make a point, and definitely not to start an argument.

Do you believe that the Bible is the word of God?

I trust that you do.

Do you believe that Jesus is "the Lion of the tribe of Judah"?

Again, I trust that you do.

Who gave birth to Judah?

Leah, who "was tender-eyed," or Rachel, who "was beautiful and well-favored"?

Of course, Leah did.

If you know the story, then you know that Jacob did not find Leah to be physically attractive, but God, if anybody cares about him and his point of view, obviously thought differently. So much so that he closed Rachel's womb and opened Leah's when he saw that Leah was hated by Jacob.

Gen 29:31
And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.

With this biblical example before us, did God want Jacob to procreate with someone he was not physically attracted to?

We both know that the answer to this question is "yes." People can believe whatever they want when it comes to "beauty" or anything else, but it irks me when they project their own opinions unto God as if he is somehow of the same mindset when he clearly isn't.

Just from reading comments in this section of the forum for the last few weeks, I have been greatly grieved. Why? Because it pains me when I see women here who seem to be very attractive inwardly talking about how they have struggled with things like their weight, or the different shape of their eyes, or being told by their alleged Christian boyfriend that they were not physically attractive in their eyes. To me, there is something terribly wrong with the eyesight of the types of men who make women feel this way, and as a man myself, it grieves me because I know how terribly wrong that is. Anyhow, like I said, I am not trying to start an argument here. I am simply trying to say that God's idea of "beauty" greatly differs from the world's idea of it. Worse still, it greatly differs from much of the church's idea of it.​

I agree with you in many points, if it is inside a marriage already.

But in courting , searching stage, are we allowed to find people that's attractive? I am not talking about movie star attractive, I am talking about personal preference.

Would love to hear people s opinion on this, in Christian view.

 

[passion84god]

U r absolutely right , God's idea of beauty is not the same as ours but , we r not God , we r sinful flesh and God knows this about us .

I am sorry, but to me, that is a major cop out. Through the transforming power of the Holy Spirit and the word of God, our hearts and minds can be in tune or aligned with God, and they ought to be. Even when the prophet Samuel's eyesight was not right, he received instruction from God to do the right thing.

1Sa 16:7
But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.

Samuel was instructed not to look on the countenance or appearance of Jesse's sons, nor to look on their height. Even today, a man is usually found to be "attractive" if he is handsome and tall, but that is not how God sees things. Instead, he looks on the heart, and David was a man whose heart was after God, and that is why he was chosen by God to lead his people, Israel.​

Also , it doesn't say that Jacob was not attracted to Leah , she's described as ' tender eyed ' , he just preferred Rachael

The text says that Jacob hated Leah, Genesis 29:31.

It's just that as a woman , I cannot help disliking the idea of having a man , that I'm not attracted to ( either physically or spiritually ) having sex with me . If u don't c someone in that way , u don't want to get physical with them . For a woman , to do such a thing , probably feels like only a few steps away from being abused .

I totally understand what you're saying, but that is not my point. My point is that there very well may be something terribly wrong with our personal definitions of "attractive." Let's be real. We live in a fallen world, and from the time that we are infants, we are bombarded with the world's definition of what "attractive" means. Consider things like Hollywood's portrayal of it, how it is portrayed on billboards or in advertising, or, in today's day and age, how it is portrayed in pornography. What I am saying is that our minds ought to be renewed to God's definition of the term. If not, then are we truly representing him in this world?​

I haven't looked to c if u r a male or a female .

Suddenly, I feel castrated. I have self-identified as being a man many times, but you must have missed that. Anyway, I am not going to beat this dead horse anymore. I just felt obligated to introduce God's point of view into this conversation.