If You Had An Arranged Marriage, Do You Think Your Parents Would Be/ Would Have Been Able to Make the Best Choice for You?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Over the years, I've seen some pushes in Christian culture to move towards arranged marriages.

I know arranged marriages are still the norm in some cultures, but admittedly, I've read a lot of horror stories about them, such as when there is a dowry dispute -- and the discontent in-laws douse the new bride in oil, set her on fire, the tell the police she committed suicide -- or had a "cooking accident."

Now, I'm not trying to say anything bad about cultures that use arranged marriages, and I'm certainly not trying to say that arranged marriages themselves are bad. I just think that when discussing any kind of social arrangement, especially one this serious, all of the cultural pro's and con's surrounding it must be also be fully considered.

I have known one arranged marriage (from India) that was successful (but produced no children, for reasons known only to God and the couple,) and I wish I would have had more time to ask them how this might be adapted for Western cultures.

But I must also say that I CANNNOT imagine my parents (or anyone else) trying to choose someone for me -- and I'm wondering how everyone else feels about this as well. As much as I love my parents and friends, I am an extreme introvert at heart, and I think there are many things even those closest to me would miss -- and not know to consider when trying to pick someone for me.

What about you?

* Do you believe that your family or even your friends pick out the right spouse for you?

* For our married friends, if you could do things all over again -- do you believe your family or friends been able to pick a spouse as compatible or more so than the one you have? Do you think your pastor would be able/would have been able to choose for you?

* Do YOU think that you could choose a spouse FOR SOMEONE ELSE -- whether your child, relative (niece or nephew, cousin, etc.), friend, or church member? Why or why not?

I'm going to write a multiple choice, anonymous (no one can see your answers) poll, but please come back and tell us if you could see yourself agreeing to an arranged marriage -- along with the reasons why, or why not. The poll only allows about 10 answers, and I'm hoping people are going to have much more to say about this topic.

Please feel free to share any cultural traditions or backgrounds that would affect why you feel the way you do.

I am VERY interested in hearing people's answers and what has influenced them.

Thank you for your time!

 

[cinder]

I think my parents could have made a great choice for a spouse for me (let's not tell my mom I said that) and they probably would have been wise enough to choose the person I needed rather than the person who had all the characteristics I thought I wanted. ( I say I made all my relationship mistakes with a dog instead of a human, and if my parents had been in charge of that (or if I'd stuck to my list) I would have had a very different (and likely calmer and more normal) experience as a dog mom). Should there ever be someone I'm serious about while my parents are still alive, I'd value their input and opinion on that guy before the wedding.

And I think my analytical brain could perform similar services for someone else if I knew them well. Right now I mostly put that effort into getting everyone the perfect Christmas gifts. Of course that might also require me to have a perfect list of qualities about the potential matches since the whole getting to know people thing isn't something I'm so great at. So yeah given the perfect artificial situation I could choose the perfect spouse for someone else or royally screw up their lives trying. Maybe I should test these powers by finding a perfect match for me before finding matches for others.

 

[Suze]

Oh gosh no ! No body really knows any body else so to try to pick someone for some one else is sheer madness . Especially from a Christian point of view . All the things that most people I know , value in other people , I do not . I had a few boyfriends b 4 I got married and my mum met them all . The only one she liked was my least favourite . He had a good job and slowly revealed himself to b slightly controling and a bit of a bigot . I got rid as soon as I realised . Mum was devistated . Then there is the element of physical attraction and chemistry , which is a deeply personal thing and often , totally irrational and unpredictable .
A lot of people , especially women , feel as if they don't have too much control of their lives . One thing all of us should b in total control of is who we r going to b spending the rest of our lives , living with and being intimate with . Always go for love , real , gut wrenching heart pounding sleep robbing appetite destroying LOVE . It makes the world go around , don't u know ?!?!?!?

 

[Lynx]

Arranged marriages are ideal for cultures where people value women mostly as a farm hand and breeder.

In societies where marriage is supposed to be about love... Eh, it doesn't work so well.

Would my parents have picked a good wife for me? They couldn't even pick the right one for themselves. They're divorced. Twice. Like, both parents are twice divorced.

 

[seoulsearch]

There's a thread going that asked what the difference was between Biblical relationships and today's relationships...

After reading @cinder's answer (pointing out that the idea of modern-day love, romance, and choosing your own spouse is a relatively new concept,) I was thinking of how the world has survived thousands of years on arranged marriages.

I'm often surprised that when certain stories are highlighted from the Bible as some kind of aspiration, certain key factors seem to go unmentioned.

Yes, Rebekah was willing to water a stranger's camels and then go back with him to marry an unknown man, but it was also obvious that this man was from was extremely wealthy family (and no one can tell me that wasn't at least one big part of the decisions.)

When it came time for their son Jacob to find a wife of his own, she sent him to her brother Laban. In other words, Jacob, unless I am misunderstanding, married his first cousins (Leah and Rachel.)

And even Laban was Abraham's great-nephew.

So in other words, in order to find a wife or husband back then, a lot of people seemed to keep it all in the family. (I realize there was no other choice in the beginning, but this was long after Adam and Eve, and I'm guessing there were plenty of other choices. I also realize that the people were also at times forbidden to marry foreigners and especially those of other faiths, so maybe sometimes it seemed family WAS the only choice.)

These days, it's not like we can just go to a family reunion and hope we'll match up with someone (at least, we would hope not, though I'm adopted, so that technically leaves a world of possibilities -- ack!)

And marriage was usually not for love, but to form treaties and alliances (political gain,) secure wealth (especially if one family was just scraping by,) and producing legitimate heirs.

I guess I'm just fascinated that the human race has gotten by so long with marriages often not really being about love, and now that we've made it that way, it doesn't exactly seem to be getting any better.

I know there are exceptions and I'm always glad to hear about them, but they seem very rare, I'm left wondering why things are going so horribly wrong if modern approaches to marriage are supposedly so much better when chosen "for love."

(I'm definitely not try to push arranged marriages for anyone not wanting one -- I'm just pondering out loud.)

I know the ultimate answer is that the world is sinful and broken -- but I just can't help but think about how what we always see as good intentions seems to wind up going wrong.

 

[Lanolin]

how much $$ you have basically is what most marriages come down to.

that is why in church everyone asks 'are you working?' or 'What's your job' to suss out how much you earn. When anyone asks me in church 'are you working' I just say not today, it's Sunday.

 

[Lanolin]

It is a truth universally acknowledged...that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

 

[Lanolin]

There's a thread going that asked what the difference was between Biblical relationships and today's relationships...

After reading @cinder's answer (pointing out that the idea of modern-day love, romance, and choosing your own spouse is a relatively new concept,) I was thinking of how the world has survived thousands of years on arranged marriages.

I'm often surprised that when certain stories are highlighted from the Bible as some kind of aspiration, certain key factors seem to go unmentioned.

Yes, Rebekah was willing to water a stranger's camels and then go back with him to marry an unknown man, but it was also obvious that this man was from was extremely wealthy family (and no one can tell me that wasn't at least one big part of the decisions.)

When it came time for their son Jacob to find a wife of his own, she sent him to her brother Laban. In other words, Jacob, unless I am misunderstanding, married his first cousins (Leah and Rachel.)

And even Laban was Abraham's great-nephew.

So in other words, in order to find a wife or husband back then, a lot of people seemed to keep it all in the family. (I realize there was no other choice in the beginning, but this was long after Adam and Eve, and I'm guessing there were plenty of other choices. I also realize that the people were also at times forbidden to marry foreigners and especially those of other faiths, so maybe sometimes it seemed family WAS the only choice.)

These days, it's not like we can just go to a family reunion and hope we'll match up with someone (at least, we would hope not, though I'm adopted, so that technically leaves a world of possibilities -- ack!)

And marriage was usually not for love, but to form treaties and alliances (political gain,) secure wealth (especially if one family was just scraping by,) and producing legitimate heirs.

I guess I'm just fascinated that the human race has gotten by so long with marriages often not really being about love, and now that we've made it that way, it doesn't exactly seem to be getting any better.

I know there are exceptions and I'm always glad to hear about them, but they seem very rare, I'm left wondering why things are going so horribly wrong if modern approaches to marriage are supposedly so much better when chosen "for love."

(I'm definitely not try to push arranged marriages for anyone not wanting one -- I'm just pondering out loud.)

I know the ultimate answer is that the world is sinful and broken -- but I just can't help but think about how what we always see as good intentions seems to wind up going wrong.

In other words, marry your cousin.

 

[seoulsearch]

In other words, marry your cousin.

I appreciate it when someone who can summarize everything I've said in one sentence!!!

Thank you, Lanolin!!!

 

[SoulFaith]

I have a different perspective because I experienced what was, for me, an arranged marriage.

When I was just under 18 years old, my father chose my future husband for me. Before that, I had hoped to marry someone else once I became an adult, but my father strongly disapproved of him and his family. I was a quiet girl and I was afraid of my father, so I did what he wanted.

Looking back, I don't think my past husband married me out of love. It often felt as though my family's property mattered more than I did. In many ways, I felt like what Lynx described: free labor and someone to bear lot's of children

I'm not saying that every arranged marriage is like mine. I know there are arranged marriages where both people freely consent and build a loving marriage together. But my experience is why I believe there is an important difference between an arranged marriage and a forced marriage. If someone cannot freely say "no," then it is no longer a real choice.

That experience has shaped how I view this topic today. I believe marriage should be entered into freely by two people who willingly choose one another and are committed to loving and respecting each other.

 

[cinder]

Part of the difference is that in places where arranged marriages prevail there's also the expectation that the couple is going to have to work hard at making things work and learning to love each other. In western free choice societies far too often we think that if we picked the right person and really love each other then we won't have those struggles and conflicts. If we do maybe we chose the wrong person, which is a convenient excuse to bail and not do the hard work.

 

[seoulsearch]

I have a different perspective because I experienced what was, for me, an arranged marriage.

When I was just under 18 years old, my father chose my future husband for me. Before that, I had hoped to marry someone else once I became an adult, but my father strongly disapproved of him and his family. I was a quiet girl and I was afraid of my father, so I did what he wanted.

Looking back, I don't think my past husband married me out of love. It often felt as though my family's property mattered more than I did. In many ways, I felt like what Lynx described: free labor and someone to bear lot's of children

I'm not saying that every arranged marriage is like mine. I know there are arranged marriages where both people freely consent and build a loving marriage together. But my experience is why I believe there is an important difference between an arranged marriage and a forced marriage. If someone cannot freely say "no," then it is no longer a real choice.

That experience has shaped how I view this topic today. I believe marriage should be entered into freely by two people who willingly choose one another and are committed to loving and respecting each other.

Thank you so much for being willing to share this.

Stories like yours are exactly what people like me need to hear.

Thank you for pointing out that arranged marriages can come in many different forms, as I would guess that there are many people out there who married out of obligation (someone their parents approved of, to escape a toxic household, etc.) rather than from a real choice or love.

I'm so glad God you through it to a much better place, where you now teach and inspire us!

 

[Lanolin]

People still make a fuss or disapprove if you fall pregnant out of wedlock.

I have actually been to a wedding where the bride was visibly pregnant as she walked down the aisle.

And also weddings where the children were present (of the couple, not a previous relationship) as they were living together and had children prior to getting married.

 

[Lynx]

There's a thread going that asked what the difference was between Biblical relationships and today's relationships...

After reading @cinder's answer (pointing out that the idea of modern-day love, romance, and choosing your own spouse is a relatively new concept,) I was thinking of how the world has survived thousands of years on arranged marriages.

I'm often surprised that when certain stories are highlighted from the Bible as some kind of aspiration, certain key factors seem to go unmentioned.

Yes, Rebekah was willing to water a stranger's camels and then go back with him to marry an unknown man, but it was also obvious that this man was from was extremely wealthy family (and no one can tell me that wasn't at least one big part of the decisions.)

When it came time for their son Jacob to find a wife of his own, she sent him to her brother Laban. In other words, Jacob, unless I am misunderstanding, married his first cousins (Leah and Rachel.)

And even Laban was Abraham's great-nephew.

So in other words, in order to find a wife or husband back then, a lot of people seemed to keep it all in the family. (I realize there was no other choice in the beginning, but this was long after Adam and Eve, and I'm guessing there were plenty of other choices. I also realize that the people were also at times forbidden to marry foreigners and especially those of other faiths, so maybe sometimes it seemed family WAS the only choice.)

These days, it's not like we can just go to a family reunion and hope we'll match up with someone (at least, we would hope not, though I'm adopted, so that technically leaves a world of possibilities -- ack!)

And marriage was usually not for love, but to form treaties and alliances (political gain,) secure wealth (especially if one family was just scraping by,) and producing legitimate heirs.

I guess I'm just fascinated that the human race has gotten by so long with marriages often not really being about love, and now that we've made it that way, it doesn't exactly seem to be getting any better.

I know there are exceptions and I'm always glad to hear about them, but they seem very rare, I'm left wondering why things are going so horribly wrong if modern approaches to marriage are supposedly so much better when chosen "for love."

(I'm definitely not try to push arranged marriages for anyone not wanting one -- I'm just pondering out loud.)

I know the ultimate answer is that the world is sinful and broken -- but I just can't help but think about how what we always see as good intentions seems to wind up going wrong.

As I have mentioned before, back then human DNA was much, much, much less wore out. They could get away with stuff like that, where we can't now.

Even less than half a century after those marriages, God was laying down laws to Israel (nation, not person) about don't marry too close to your own family.

 

[Lanolin]

As I have mentioned before, back then human DNA was much, much, much less wore out. They could get away with stuff like that, where we can't now.

Even less than half a century after those marriages, God was laying down laws to Israel (nation, not person) about don't marry too close to your own family.

No one really observed those rules.
Noah's sons
Lot's daughters..
Tamar, Absolom I think it was
Jacob, Leah, Rachel

The entire clan was inbred.

only Ruth, a Moabitess married into the Israelites and even then the Moabs were initially offspring of incest (Lot and daughters)

 

[Lynx]

No one really observed those rules.
Noah's sons
Lot's daughters..
Tamar, Absolom I think it was
Jacob, Leah, Rachel

The entire clan was inbred.

only Ruth, a Moabitess married into the Israelites and even then the Moabs were initially offspring of incest (Lot and daughters)

Noah, Lot, Jacob, Leah, Rachel... All before God laid down that law.

Absalom and Tamar, after God laid down that law, and DEFINITELY not approved.

 

[Lanolin]

Well, Dinah's brothers did not approve of Dinah's boyfriend/fiancee because he was not a Hebrew. So they killed him.

David by then didn't have his parents to tell him who to marry when he met Bathsheba and Abigail, despite already being married to Michal, which was arranged by King Saul.
She was worth 100 philistine foreskins as her bride price. David paid double.

 

[seoulsearch]

David by then didn't have his parents to tell him who to marry when he met Bathsheba and Abigail, despite already being married to Michal, which was arranged by King Saul.
She was worth 100 philistine foreskins as her bride price. David paid double.

Next thread idea:

"How Many Foreskins Are YOU Worth -- And Whose Would They Be?!"

Somehow, I'm thinking that one would get approved.

 

[Lanolin]

Didn't God tell... Hosea to marry Gomer? And she was a prostitute? Or 'played the whore'

Hosea had to buy her back with 15 shekels of silver

Boaz paid for Ruth with his sandal, so she was quite cheap.

Nobody paid above rubies.

 

[Lanolin]

Next thread idea:

"How Many Foreskins Are YOU Worth -- And Whose Would They Be?!"

Somehow, I'm thinking that one would get approved.

You'd have to ask my dad