1 Samuel 18:27 - How Many Foreskins Are You Worth - And From Where Should They Be Sourced?

[Lanolin]

In America, there's a few requirements also, but Mariah Carey changed her mind

I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
Upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas Day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
And I just wanna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to hear
Those magic reindeer click

Move over...Eartha Kitt.
Also, two front teeth and hippotamuses didn't really make the list.

 

[CarriePie]

Hmph and harumph...

Thread 'Bride Price'

Sep 15, 2025

Girls, how much are you worth?

Guys, how much would you pay?

In the Bible the price of a bride was not always money. Othniel conquered a town to pay for his wife. Jacob worked a few years for his wife, and then a few years more after he was tricked. Abraham's servant gave presents to Rebecca's family, definitely not money but compensation in a form. And of course there's the price David paid for Saul's daughter...

So girls, how much would you be worth and in what form - silver shekels, presents, years of labor, foreskins, towns conquered...?

Guys, what form of payment would you be...

• Lynx

• 

Pardon me, Lynx!
Would a pie help?

 

[Lynx]

Pardon me, Lynx!
Would a pie help?

Nah, I already got all the pie I need.

It's just really fun to say hmph and harumph when you have a good excuse to. I had to jump on it like... Well... Like a lynx pouncing on a rabbit from a tree.

 

[JesusLives]

Nah, I already got all the pie I need.

It's just really fun to say hmph and harumph when you have a good excuse to. I had to jump on it like... Well... Like a lynx pouncing on a rabbit from a tree.

You know me Lynx I just got to say it...... I still have a daughter if you are interested.....

 

[Lynx]

*Lynx climbs back up in his tree and takes a nap.

 

[JesusLives]

*Lynx climbs back up in his tree and takes a nap.

What? No energy for the flame thrower? lol

 

[CarriePie]

Nah, I already got all the pie I need.

It's just really fun to say hmph and harumph when you have a good excuse to. I had to jump on it like... Well... Like a lynx pouncing on a rabbit from a tree.

That's a relief! It's too hot to bake!

 

[Lynx]

That's a relief! It's too hot to bake!

For real! Yesterday I walked outside and heard somebody whistling, but there was nobody there. I tracked the sound to the pecan tree in the front west yard. It was whistling for dogs.

 

[Lynx]

What? No energy for the flame thrower? lol

In this heat? We don't need no more heat making devices right now.

I did make sure my cryolator was functional though.

 

[Lanolin]

*Lynx climbs back up in his tree and takes a nap.

A Christmas tree, right?

 

[Lanolin]

Seoulsearch, the trophy wife...
Lanolin, the. 153 fishwife
Jesuslives, Tourist's wife, already paid for, won at a casino in Lost Wages, Nevada
CarriePie, the wife of Pie (not to be confused with the Life of Pi)

So...how do we compare with...

Michal, the wife worth 200 Philistine flesh who couldn't dance to save her unborn children

No wonder King David went with Bathsheba. She didn't require that many Philistines. He did commit adultery and murder to get her though

King Solomon's many wives, who broke the bank and the mountain of spices. The nation of Israel pretty much was paying back taxes for years for those wives maintenance. The harem was bigger than the temple.

Ruth, the wife worth a barley field and two socks for Boaz cold feet

Queen Esther, the wife who won the beauty contest by saying she wanted world peace

....

Mary, the wife who had a baby out of wedlock who wasn't her husband's firstborn

 

[Lanolin]

You're not worth $300!

 

[Charlesiii]

You should get an abundance of foreskin credits for this hilarious and clever thread

I wasn't quite sure until I got to the end and read, "If a guy drops a thousand on your doorstep, run—because he didn't just clear out the local Philistines, he depopulated an entire geographic region."
Just speaking as a Chieftess, I would expect no less than if the guy depopulated an entire region! I mean this can't be something placed in a velvet-lined jewelry box. I expect at least a dump truck full! How can I expect him to meet or even surpass my Chieftess' capabilities? How can I expect him to hold up if bleep hits the fan? Yes, depopulating an entire region is absolutely necessary! This is about 2 strong people going forth. The road ahead isn't for the weak!

Thank you for the kind compliments, CarriePie.

And I whole-heartedly agree - when it comes to Chieftesses, Saul’s little two-hundred-trophy request () was just amateur hour compared to the transaction value required. My mind jumps to the legendary hill of foreskins in Joshua 5 — an entire geographical landmark dedicated entirely to mass-scale commitment. Now some may argue this was a different matter and nothing to do with Chieftesses () or Philistines () or depopulating an entire region (), but that's likely because there were far fewer Chieftesses () in those days, and so the topic of what comprises a suitable bride-price for one was less common. if a suitor can't construct an entire geological formation () that rivals Mount Rushmore () out of Philistine () keepsakes (...), is he really worthy of a Chieftess ()? (We all know the answer is a solid "No!" )

A real Chieftess () doesn't want an infinite number of velvet-lined jewelry boxes (...) filled with obnoxious keepsakes (...), she wants a guy ready to build a brand-new mountain range () out of them (i.e the keepsakes ... not the jewelry boxes ...) - which obviously would require the wherewithal to command multiple shifts of drivers of dump-trucks (...) full of them (...) around the clock () for months to prove it.

The road ahead isn't for the weak of sword () or stomach, and neither is municipal zoning for a hill () made of such odious offcuts (...). Or, summarised by the emjoji equation:

+ + =

But we shall persevere!

(Emojis came out different than when I pasted them and not as good, but I think the idea is still conveyed).

 

[Charlesiii]

Hmph and harumph...

Thread 'Bride Price'

Sep 15, 2025

Girls, how much are you worth?

Guys, how much would you pay?

In the Bible the price of a bride was not always money. Othniel conquered a town to pay for his wife. Jacob worked a few years for his wife, and then a few years more after he was tricked. Abraham's servant gave presents to Rebecca's family, definitely not money but compensation in a form. And of course there's the price David paid for Saul's daughter...

So girls, how much would you be worth and in what form - silver shekels, presents, years of labor, foreskins, towns conquered...?

Guys, what form of payment would you be...

• Lynx

• 

Ha, ha. No offense intended to you or your thread, Lynx. But one of the fun (?) aims of this thread was to focus on the obvious paradox with this particular currency, which some of the replies have already identified.

"Can I just say gross at the very thought of this.... Yuck" - "by the way 0 is my number. I'm worth more than those things."

Or is CONNIE the Barbarian correct, that "An endless pile of foreskins before [her] -- as the price one is willing to pay for [her] hand!!" is the preferred position?

Is more actually better? I don't know, but I'm sure we can find out from the learned and informed experts who have imparted their wisdom.

 

[cinder]

Someone should probably point out that the reason such an unusual dowry was requested is because Saul was hoping David would be killed in the process. So gentlemen beware if someone is asking for body parts as a dowry it's just possible they want you dead rather than wanting to marry you.

 

[Lanolin]

See previous thread about arranged marriages.

Also the Mariah Carey song 'All I want for Christmas' was in the sappy rom-com Love Actually. The little girl sang it to the drummer boy who was in love with her at the end.

Actually, I thought she sang it better than Mariah did.

MC has a net worth of millions. She also has a heap of followers she calls her 'lambily'. Cute.

But sad thing is she has not much voice left cos like Julie Andrews, she got nodules in her vocal chords, maybe from too much singing, so she had to lipsynch in her later concerts.

She and Whitney Houston did a face off when they sang 'There can be Miracles' in the movie 'The Prince of Egypt' which was...all about Moses.

 

[Lanolin]

Sorry again TMI

Ms Mariah was married to Tommy Mottola, who apparently locked her up in a musical mansion in Westchester. I don't know why he was so controlling, but I surmise since she was literally worth millions in the music industry, he wanted to protect his investment.

Imagine being worth millions (or maybe wearing the most expensive jewels/diamond ring) and having your husband buy you, and then not being allowed out in public because your husband is scared someone will steal his wife.

 

[Lanolin]

She called their mansion Sing Sing, because it was like being in prison.

It was worth millions again, had a 90 foot pool shaped like a violin, but the mansion burned to the ground when the marriage collapsed. Mariah made a bid for freedom, that's why one of her albums is called 'The emancipation of Mimi'

 

[Lanolin]

If anyone questions where I got this info, well it was all in her memoir 'The meaning of Mariah Carey' or you could just ask her yourself.

 

[Lynx]

Ha, ha. No offense intended to you or your thread, Lynx. But one of the fun (?) aims of this thread was to focus on the obvious paradox with this particular currency, which some of the replies have already identified.

"Can I just say gross at the very thought of this.... Yuck" - "by the way 0 is my number. I'm worth more than those things."

Or is CONNIE the Barbarian correct, that "An endless pile of foreskins before [her] -- as the price one is willing to pay for [her] hand!!" is the preferred position?

Is more actually better? I don't know, but I'm sure we can find out from the learned and informed experts who have imparted their wisdom.

It was less what the item was and more what the item indicated. It symbolized 200 of Saul's enemies killed.

Actually he only asked for 100. David chose to kill 200.

It does remind me of a line from KOTOR though. Star wars, knights of the old republic, that is. On Tatooine the corporate representative wants you to kill a certain number of sand people and bring their personalized gaffi sticks as proof that you have killed them.

"Sticks? You don't want their heads?"

"If you were me, which would you want dumped out on your office floor?"