1 Samuel 18:27 - How Many Foreskins Are You Worth - And From Where Should They Be Sourced?

[Lanolin]

At one point for sure everyone was thinking she was gonna marry Harry. Not sure which one as there as many Harrys as there are Tom and Dicks.

She ended up marrying 3 times, but anyone who was with her had to pay the price of fame.

It makes me sad when I think about what happened to Britney. The Spice Girls could have invited her to their group when Ginger left. I think she would have fit right in and had the girls for support, and she and Baby Spice would have so much fun. Britney could wear her blue or pink wig and nobody would judge her for it and she wouldn't have had to sing everything, just harmonise, and she could teach them some awesome dance moves.

 

[Edith]

1 Samuel 18:27 “Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”

When I first read this scripture years ago, two immediate thoughts crossed my mind:

1. Ewww! Foreskins were an actual, heavily traded commodity in the Old Testament?!? How to keep cash without getting a disease?
2. Efficient! Honestly, going out and collecting 200 obnoxious "scalps" seems way faster than modern online dating, swiping through endless profiles, and pretending to care about someone's crypto portfolio.

We’ve all seen plenty of threads about arranged marriages, bride prices, and modern dating exhaustion. But remarkably, there is a distinct lack of discourse on foreskin-based economics.

So let’s break down the market:

For the gals:
1) Would you accept a marriage proposal from a mysterious stranger (or a guy you sort of like from the coffee shop) if he showed up with "the goods" in a velvet-lined jewelry box?
2) What is your magic number? (Inflation adjusted, is 200 still standard, or does a college degree drive the price up?
3) Sourcing check: Given that uncircumcised Philistines are a dying breed in our current real estate market, where would you expect him to ethically (or unethically) source them?

For the guys:
1) What do you realistically think is a fair market value for Miss Right?
2) Are you willing to risk disease, blindness - yea - even untimely death to collect it?

Here are some guidelines to begin. What do y'all think?
1: If a guy can’t even secure more than a single sketchy trophy from the local gym to prove his love, he’s probably not going to help with the dishes anyway.
2: At this level, you aren't marrying a king's daughter; you're marrying the assistant manager of a slightly suspect local storefront.
3: Look, if he only brings you three, he clearly stopped at the first minor inconvenience and just wanted to go home and play video games.
4: Four units feels less like a bride price and more like someone emptied their pockets at a very weird yard sale.
5: A meager handful is fine for a casual dating app meetup, but it’s definitely not royal wedding material.
5 - 10: A handful feels like a fair starter package for a casual engagement, assuming they're gift-wrapped in nice velvet.
20 - 50: Twenty to fifty units is basically the equivalent of getting her a nice promise ring and a moderately priced dinner at Applebee's.
50 - 75: From fifty to seventy-five, you're looking at a solid mid-tier romance—enough to secure a modest cottage, but definitely no royal princess.
75 - 80: Seventy five to eighty units screams "I tried really hard on the weekend project, but I got lazy by Sunday afternoon."
80 - 90: If he rolls up with between eighty to ninety, he's basically the guy who brings a generic grocery store cake to a birthday party and calls it a gift.
90 - 100: One hundred was Saul's magic number, but let's be real—today that probably only gets you a sponsored Instagram influencer with three thousand followers.
100 - 200: At 200 units, we’re firmly in biblical royalty territory, though honestly, it still sounds cheaper than a modern destination wedding in Tuscany.
200 - 300: Let's face it, three hundred units is the point where your friends start staging an intervention and asking where you met this guy.
300 - 350: Three-fifty gets you a royal princess, a lifetime supply of awkward family dinners, and zero questions asked about your weekend itinerary.
350 - 450: At 450, you aren't just joining a family; you're orchestrating a hostile corporate takeover of the local kingdom.
450 - 500: Once you get to 500, the wedding planner doesn't ask about floral arrangements—she asks what kind of hazard pay she needs.
500 - 600: Bringing home a grand total of these 'goods' doesn't get you a wife anymore; it gets you an immediate FBI watchlist entry and a special episode of Dateline.
600 - 700: At seven hundred units, it stops being a sweet proposal and starts looking like an extremely aggressive loyalty program reward.
700 - 800: Pushing past 800 means you're either marrying a tech CEO's daughter or running a deeply concerning black-market startup.
800 - 900: At over 900 units, you aren't looking for a bride—you're trying to launch a publicly traded biotech conglomerate.
900 - 1000: If a guy drops a thousand on your doorstep, run—because he didn't just clear out the local Philistines, he depopulated an entire geographic region.

Brother,

I'm willing to accept right hands or left feet instead. I mean I'm going to want a man to give me a hand with things every once in a while, and there's a better chance that I'm not marrying a mass murderer that way. Though I imagine the local morgue would have plenty of donors for either.

hi Charlie brother this is so funny,
I only recently understood what the foreskin thing really means, we had a 10 days Bible reading cover to cover that gave me a better understanding of the foreskin issue between David and saul.
Today the thought of it is not very appealing....

I am asking did Saul really count them?

Each foreskin is a nation that won't see light

so how many nations am I Worth?

God says He will give up nations for me, do I still need some?

But a man still need to prove he is worthy of a fire branded, tongues speaking, demons chasing Christian (na joke) girl like me.

So I would say ...... No I have nothing to say. after 35 who is asking for for foreskin. we go with the pidgin saying "Man na man" no choice


don't mind me Charles your post got me soliloquizing

 

[Lanolin]

I forgot to answer question 2. Sorry I hadn't read that far....I only got to the coffee shop and mysterious stranger part before I got distracted by everything else going on.

So 2...My magic number is 888

This is a very lucky number and was the rego for our car. I could have gone for 666 or 777 or even 999 but I think 888 has more magic.

 

[Charlesiii]

I forgot to answer question 2. Sorry I hadn't read that far....I only got to the coffee shop and mysterious stranger part before I got distracted by everything else going on.

So 2...My magic number is 888

This is a very lucky number and was the rego for our car. I could have gone for 666 or 777 or even 999 but I think 888 has more magic.

Lanolin ! I didn't read your post properly, and thought your initial answer was 2! I was concerned you might have misunderstood the currency.

I now see that you would consider a decent gentleman's proposal for the very reasonable sum of 888 foreskins. However, I would caution against expecting any magic from them - in ordinary society, there are only two uses for these:

1) Enticing aspiring suitors to hunt down jerks on behalf of the beloved, and
2) Paying taxes (including car registrations fyi).

if the gentleman suggests otherwise, be very careful, as he could be a scammer!

 

[Charlesiii]

Brother,

hi Charlie brother this is so funny,
I only recently understood what the foreskin thing really means, we had a 10 days Bible reading cover to cover that gave me a better understanding of the foreskin issue between David and saul.
Today the thought of it is not very appealing....

I am asking did Saul really count them?

Each foreskin is a nation that won't see light

so how many nations am I Worth?

God says He will give up nations for me, do I still need some?

But a man still need to prove he is worthy of a fire branded, tongues speaking, demons chasing Christian (na joke) girl like me.

So I would say ...... No I have nothing to say. after 35 who is asking for for foreskin. we go with the pidgin saying "Man na man" no choice


don't mind me Charles your post got me soliloquizing

Thank you for your comments and sense of humour, Edith! I agree - definitely not an appealing thought!

I sometimes wonder what Michal would have thought, but David probably presented her with flowers aswell after the negotiations with her father . The extra foreskins might have been so King Saul didn't cheat and flick several onto the palace floor or out of the palace window, and then claim David hadn't presented the entire bride price. Hard to lose an entire 100 without embarrassing excuses...

I'm fairly sure Saul would have had someone else counting - I don't think gloves were around in those days, and he wouldn't have wanted to catch a disease. Soliloquizing is a good word - I had to look it up!

 

[Lanolin]

Lanolin ! I didn't read your post properly, and thought your initial answer was 2! I was concerned you might have misunderstood the currency.

I now see that you would consider a decent gentleman's proposal for the very reasonable sum of 888 foreskins. However, I would caution against expecting any magic from them - in ordinary society, there are only two uses for these:

1) Enticing aspiring suitors to hunt down jerks on behalf of the beloved, and
2) Paying taxes (including car registrations fyi).

if the gentleman suggests otherwise, be very careful, as he could be a scammer!

F$ 888 - $ 300 (taxes on Tara) - $ 168 (car rego) = ?

Can I keep the change?

 

[Lanolin]

F$ 420 / $ 20 =?

I want to buy many peanuts

 

[Lanolin]

No I changed my mind and want flowers. F $420 / $60 = 7
I could buy 7 bouquets or buckets of flowers.

 

[Lynx]

But a man still need to prove he is worthy of a fire branded, tongues speaking, demons chasing Christian (na joke) girl like me.

I can agree with everything except the demon chasing bit. I'm a one God preacher, and James 2:19 is one of my favorite verses. If Satan wants to lie under my bed and shake all night, that's his business.

(Shamelessly copied from an evangelist who was once asked if he kicked all the demons out of his hotel room before he went to sleep.)

 

[Charlesiii]

Well, it's been a busy week thus far, with battles raging, loaded dump trucks getting into gear, no taxes on (or at least after) tips, and Levib methodically hunting down Seoulsearch's only two (desperately hiding!) enemies in the world, in the hopes of miraculously(?) collecting and achieving the 1000f bride price. Add into the mix a rightfully disgusted 71 year old, a maiden negotiating alternate dowry terms in requiring only useful body parts (and suggesting a morgue raid to achieve it!!! ), a gnome calling out insults, an erudite soliloquizer and a pouty cat struck in a tree dreaming of a hairdresser girl from the 60s.

All contributions have been gratefully received, no matter how small (I'm looking at you, Zeroturbulence), but it's now time to present the winners with their prizes. Given there were only 3 voters (and given one of these was me), I am honoured to present CarriePie, the Chieftess of Smashingness, and Seoulsearch, Outwrite Trouble, their prizes.

CarriePie, your expectation of a suitor who can at least match your own abilities to harvest a dump truck full of errr... "scalps"... has merited you the following...

It's not quite a dump truck full, but can be worn both for ornamental purposes and as evidence of your fierce battle prowess.

Seoulsearch, your description of the modern-day heroine counterpart to the hero from the 80s, CONNIE the Barbariette, and her obvious exploits depopulating the villains in her own locale, has earned you the following...

These might be a little neater than CONNIE would have preferred it, and certainly fewer in number than the interest payment owed you by your local bank, but they demonstrate an important point.

 

[CarriePie]

All contributions have been gratefully received, no matter how small (I'm looking at you, Zeroturbulence), but it's now time to present the winners with their prizes. Given there were only 3 voters (and given one of these was me), I am honoured to present CarriePie, the Chieftess of Smashingness, and Seoulsearch, Outwrite Trouble, their prizes.

CarriePie, your expectation of a suitor who can at least match your own abilities to harvest a dump truck full of errr... "scalps"... has merited you the following...
View attachment 293533
It's not quite a dump truck full, but can be worn both for ornamental purposes and as evidence of your fierce battle prowess.

Thank you most kindly for this grand prize! I know just where I'll wear this ornamental display of my achievement...to Lanolin's black tie event. I had previously declined because I wanted to wear my lousy tshirt and jeans whilst I blew the froth off of a few beers with the other non-black tie goers, but if I wear this prize I'll surely be acceptable at the event! And even if I'm not, I highly doubt they will throw me out

 

[Lanolin]

Thank you most kindly for this grand prize! I know just where I'll wear this ornamental display of my achievement...to Lanolin's black tie event. I had previously declined because I wanted to wear my lousy tshirt and jeans whilst I blew the froth off of a few beers with the other non-black tie goers, but if I wear this prize I'll surely be acceptable at the event! And even if I'm not, I highly doubt they will throw me out

It is fine, women don't need to wear black ties it's only the men that need to
I'm sure the paper garland will go fine with your elegant t-shirt dress and underpant jeans, or you can always wear the orange jumpsuit evening gown.

Congratulations to our Grand Prize winner! Our Captain says you may do the honors of pouring the non-alcoholic sparkling Champagne shandy at the top of the pyramid

 

[CarriePie]

It is fine, women don't need to wear black ties it's only the men that need to
I'm sure the paper garland will go fine with your elegant t-shirt dress and underpant jeans, or you can always wear the orange jumpsuit evening gown.

Congratulations to our Grand Prize winner! Our Captain says you may do the honors of pouring the non-alcoholic sparkling Champagne shandy at the top of the pyramid

View attachment 293537

Since I don't do elegant gowns and all that, I'll wear my Chieftess garments and my prize chain of scalps. No one will question me, or I'll shake my musical marotte at them (a war trophy I collected from a Whangdoodle jester).

 

[Lanolin]

Whatever floats you boat Carriepie

I'll be at the Casino, playing Last Person to Post Card for potato chips.

 

[Lanolin]

Hopefully I won't come up with trumpets. I'm more of a salty sailor winner.

 

[Lanolin]

We have a masquerade ball another night where you can brandish your marotte.

I sort of picture your Chieftainess outfit as something like a Cher gown



The marotte looks more like a BAFTAs than an Oscar though

 

[Lanolin]

I'd like to thank thee, Greatness Britannia for my head on a stick
Let's have a round of Amazing Graciousness
I bow to thee, my country
For this humble marotte award

 

[seoulsearch]

Seoulsearch, your description of the modern-day heroine counterpart to the hero from the 80s, CONNIE the Barbariette, and her obvious exploits depopulating the villains in her own locale, has earned you the following...
View attachment 293534
These might be a little neater than CONNIE would have preferred it, and certainly fewer in number than the interest payment owed you by your local bank, but they demonstrate an important point.

LOL!!

One thing is for sure -- I'll never look at potholders the same way again!!

Uh oh...

I can't help but wonder if this could also be used as a way to try to cheat the system -- presuming every loop = 1 skin, it might be easy to skip a few here and there throughout the weaving pattern...

So while I will happily accept these "tapestries" as my prize, I'm also going to have to count the "threads" very carefully -- to make sure the original price is being paid in full!

 

[Lanolin]

LOL!!

One thing is for sure -- I'll never look at potholders the same way again!!

Uh oh...

I can't help but wonder if this could also be used as a way to try to cheat the system -- presuming every loop = 1 skin, it might be easy to skip a few here and there throughout the weaving pattern...

So while I will happily accept these "tapestries" as my prize, I'm also going to have to count the "threads" very carefully -- to make sure the original price is being paid in full!

At first I thought they were little colourful flax ketes, but then I put my glasses on.

How many did you say? I had 888 thread count, but after taxes and car rego, I only have 420, which could buy me 7 buckets of flowers or a decent Egyptian Cotton thread count.

Or both

 

[Charlesiii]

Since I don't do elegant gowns and all that, I'll wear my Chieftess garments and my prize chain of scalps. No one will question me, or I'll shake my musical marotte at them (a war trophy I collected from a Whangdoodle jester).

I'm envisaging something like the below...? Don't mess with the Chieftess of Smashingness!