A friend in need

loveme1 · Oct 30, 2011

Hiya, I have been asked to give advice to a friend, but i want some other take on it first.

My friend is in a relationship, that has been abusive. Her partner wanted her to have an abortion, but she didn't. So now they have 2 daughters. He treats her pretty bad, spits in her face calls her the most disgusting names, beats on her. The man never buys her Christmas or Birthday gifts. She wants me to tell her to divorce him. But Divorce is so final, and I don't want to advise her to divorce. She will be left with no money,and two kids to look after on a very low income. Plus he took loans out in her name and will not pay if they split.
She is also the victim of a poor upbringing, with violence inflicted on her. She really is a lost soul and I pray for her every day.

Should I tell her to hang in there? Or should she break away?

Any thoughts welcomed.

Thank you.

rus_lady · Oct 30, 2011

if i was on ur place ( i talk on how i would act ) i would tell her to divorce and as for money i would try to help while she is not standing strong on her feet ... untill she gets job etc .... but again i jump in to conclusion whithout knowing all .... but what for to be hurt so bad from some ugly person ??? it may end not fun for her !!

jimsun · Oct 30, 2011

She should forget divorce for the time being & get away now - really awa & not just to a different address in the same town.
From your description of what she has endured so far, the time may not be far off when her partner crosses the line.
Removing herself from the source of the conflict will bring a clear head & a foundation from which to move forward.

zeroturbulence · Oct 30, 2011

Death from an abusive husband is final too.

Ugly · Oct 31, 2011

She needs to divorce him, not wait, unlike someone else mentioned. The divorce is needed to make all mental, emotional and legal separations. Long as they stay married, he can still easily disrupt her life. I'd rather be broke and alone than beat senseless and have money.

shekaniah · Oct 31, 2011

Jesus cause something to happen for the good of everyone involved....move in a mighty powerful way...all the while protecting the mother and children. Move people to pray...surround them with your presenc, in Jesus name amen

loveme1 · Nov 1, 2011

Thank you.

dvijayaramaraju · Nov 1, 2011

Well Greetings to u my friend in d blessed LORD CHRIST my LORD and my GOD in whom I true, Well I was sad when I hv read about ur friend dear one, well I can't advice u to tell her to divorce him because I don't really don't know what has really happend more, or well i want to ask ur friend dt does she loves her bf even now, or want him into her life or not,then i can suggest u to tell ur friend what to do,
Jesus Came into ds world to distroy the works of d devil, it it devil who always distroys the ppls relations in the family specially where ther is love for each other, JESUS CHRIST shed HIS presious BLOOD to set us free, I advice ur friend to answer my first questions before my LORD's message to her,well JESUS CHRIST came into this world to build and restore family life too ,well I'll be praying fr her, I thank q friend fr having a helpfull desire and a caring heart like JESUS had when HE was in this world, HE moved with compassion fr the ppl and HEALED them all and feed them all 2ce. well I advice ur friend to come to JESUS closer and pray shed her tears fr her husband or bf if she want s him into her life back, dts it d more she seeks GOD d more d problems get lesser amen, dts amazing, well friend, JESUS is her HUSBAND, life partner, soulmate, mighty COMFORTER, well is HE is a restorer too, in am mthings in finances or jobs or ect ect write all yr problmes add it here JESUS CHRIST is mighty to solve ur problems, well GOD loves her friend, JESUS CHRIST died fr her only to restore her life back a double portion, and HE has send HIS HOLY SPRIT the WONDERFULL COMFORTR to help us all the time eternally HE is even ready to take us home after we finish our life or journey on ds earth, well JESUSCHRIST is her answer amen, dts it bro , i am thank full to GOD fr having a good caring friend like u to care fr her,well I am praying fr her, too amen, GOD bless us amen bye bye with LOVE of CHRIST burning fr ur pplk to help u to meet ur GOD closer then u hv ever expected, all is good under GOD's control amen and amen well its not by MIGHT,nor byPOWER but by mySPRIT says LORD of HOSTS,amen bye bye preciosu ppl cheer up...with love ur friend in CHRIST JESUS, if GOD does a miracle please share with me as i ampraying fr u, so dt i may to join with u to taknk our WONDERFULL GOD OUR LORD OUR SAVIOUS LOVING ON EJESUS CHRIST SON OF GOD AMEN

woodl · Nov 3, 2011

loveme1 said:

If she really your friend you need to tell her that she dosen't have to live that kind of life with someone like that. Those two little girls don't need to grow up in that kind of a family. It will scar them for life. Tell her to leave and take the two girls with her and to put her faith in Christ. He will provide her needs.

TheAristocat · Nov 4, 2011

loveme1 said:

Why does he treat her this way? Is any of it her fault?
Why hasn't she gotten a restraining order against him?
Can she make him pay child support even if she gets a restraining order against him and they are separated temporarily?
Is there any way they can work this out or is he just that far-gone and all of their problems are his fault?

Ugly · Nov 4, 2011

TheAristocat said:

Is it any of her fault? Spit in her face, called names and beat and you think she did something to deserve that kind of treatment? Seriously? What kind of behavior would make beating your wife and spitting in her face her fault?

rus_lady · Nov 5, 2011

is that a joke ??? no one deserves to have such bad treatment ! when violence took place it is allert which means divorce is the only option plus she has kids who may get hurt pretty badly as well by such terrible actions !!!

TheAristocat said:

error · Nov 5, 2011

what is wrong with men in these days?

TheAristocat · Nov 5, 2011

Ugly said:

So now that you guys are upset with me have I done anything to deserve this treatment or are you guys just jumping all over me for nothing?

Hint: If you answer my question then you'll know what I meant in my original question.

dmdave17 · Nov 5, 2011

Can we say "arrange a hit" on a Christian web site? Probably not. There is no Scriptural basis for her to stay with him one more minute than she already has. There are ministries and secular programs that specialize in helping abused women. She should seek one out yesterday.

I will pray for your friend. God bless you for caring.

Ugly · Nov 5, 2011

TheAristocat said:

We have neither spit in your face, hit you, called you names. We called you out when you suggested it may be the victims fault that she got beat. We asked questions. Of which i notice you gave no answer to. So considering your statement was only called into question, and you were asked to verify what you said, yes, i think the reaction is fully justified when someones suggests abuse is acceptable.
Being upset with someone and beating someone are not the same thing if thats what you're trying to get at. I can be upset, call your statement into question, and still not mistreat you. Which i don't feel i've done just by asking you to verify your response.

TheAristocat · Nov 5, 2011

Ugly said:

Ugly, two people here jumped all over me and got upset about what I asked and didn't even say. I did not suggest anything. If you thought I did then you read something into my post that was not there and blamed me for it. Since many people do not just start beating up the people they used to love without a reason I simply was wondering if there was reason for this man to be angry at her - whether it be a misunderstanding (e.g. such as arose between you and I) or something more real. Maybe he is a substance-abuser. I don't know! I did not say she deserved to be beaten. I was only wondering if she were the reason behind any of the strife. Obviously this man is a reason behind the relational strife they have, but can she do anything to curb his beatings short of divorcing the man? My question is not to get at who is wrong or right but rather whether or not she can change something she's been doing that also might have caused the man she loved and married and who loved her to start beating the living daylights out of her.

The point I was making with my second post is that people often don't do things without a reason - whether that be through misunderstanding or something worse. Instead of trying to have an open mind and understand my post you just seemed to continue to rectify yourself by blaming me. Sacrifice my reputation to save your own? Words can hurt a lot more than beatings. I don't want to imply this is a correct assumption or even an assumption at all, but that could be one possible reason why men beat women. Time and time again I've heard it from a woman's own mouth that women can be the most hurtful people out there because the damage they most often cause is not physical but psychological.

Feel free to pick my post apart to rectify yourself again. I'm sure you can prey upon semantics and dissect the nuances within it to cause me to likewise in turn try to rectify myself to a crowd of people here who probably don't give a darn what our reputations are like.

TheAristocat · Nov 5, 2011

rus_lady said:

Depending on the society she lives in and their laws, I beg to differ. Divorce is not necessarily the only option. And before I'd even suggest such a thing I'd like to know more about their situation. Because right now I don't know if she's done anything to bring this violence into their relationship or not. If she has done something then divorcing to escape his beatings wouldn't teach anyone anything nor would it be progressive or even neutral. It would just be a bad choice.

Without knowing more I find it hard to suggest anything whatsoever. I used to be in a relationship with a woman who would give me bruises, flirt with other men, dated another man without my knowledge, allowed another man's advances and would return them, say right in front of me that she wanted to have sex with a man, get angry with me over nothing, neglect me, forget that I even came with her on a date with her friends, etc. She seriously made me want to take her head and slam it several times into the floor to give her a wake-up call. She also made me feel like killing myself. But instead of choosing either of those options I sat her down and talked with her about my feelings. She acknowledged my pain and what she was doing to me, but only for that day. Later on she continued to mistreat me, and I ended up asking her to break up with me. Maybe this couple's relationship just ended up going the wrong route - the one of beatings instead of mature communication to solve their differences. But essentially you and I know absolutely nothing about their situation right now, so it's hard for me to say, "Poor woman! She should divorce him!" We're just not given that information.

TheAristocat · Nov 5, 2011

By the way, I should just say one more thing because I feel compelled to say it. I am sorry about my attitude towards some in this thread. What happened was a misunderstanding, and I can understand how people could have interpreted my post in a negative light. I handled the situation roughly and with a little pride. I could have done better. I hope I will be forgiven, and I hope this thread can move forward and an answer can be found for our friend here.

rus_lady · Nov 6, 2011

sorry if i jumped in to conclusion sir and i am real sorry that something like happent to you ! yes , situtions can be dif true , but you know violence is not an option on any case .... if person does not understand words and continue to act the way that person used then .... the only what you can take out of it ... is to say bye bye ....

TheAristocat said:

Depending on the society she lives in and their laws, I beg to differ. Divorce is not necessarily the only option. And before I'd even suggest such a thing I'd like to know more about their situation. Because right now I don't know if she's done anything to bring this violence into their relationship or not. If she has done something then divorcing to escape his beatings wouldn't teach anyone anything nor would it be progressive or even neutral. It would just be a bad choice.

Without knowing more I find it hard to suggest anything whatsoever. I used to be in a relationship with a woman who would give me bruises, flirt with other men, dated another man without my knowledge, allowed another man's advances and would return them, say right in front of me that she wanted to have sex with a man, get angry with me over nothing, neglect me, forget that I even came with her on a date with her friends, etc. She seriously made me want to take her head and slam it several times into the floor to give her a wake-up call. She also made me feel like killing myself. But instead of choosing either of those options I sat her down and talked with her about my feelings. She acknowledged my pain and what she was doing to me, but only for that day. Later on she continued to mistreat me, and I ended up asking her to break up with me. Maybe this couple's relationship just ended up going the wrong route - the one of beatings instead of mature communication to solve their differences. But essentially you and I know absolutely nothing about their situation right now, so it's hard for me to say, "Poor woman! She should divorce him!" We're just not given that information.

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