For Singles Looking to Get Married, How are You Preparing Yourselves?

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

I myself am not looking to get married but I want to encourage those who are. I say that you make God the center of your life, and He will get involved in helping you find the right one to marry you and watch over your marriage to keep it full of love and romance and togetherness.

Here is an amazing wedding procession where the bride sings to God and her groom. The song is about how God will watch over your marriage (if you let Him). It is a beautiful wedding walk. A lot of people were moved to tears - even the men - the groom was crying his eyes out!

"HE KNOWS"​

An original wedding song performed by Almira Lat Trinidad​

(The Bride)​

In what ways are you preparing to be the spouse God wants you to be and for your future spouse? Let's talk and give each other tips and encouragement!

 

[seoulsearch]

I myself am not looking to get married but I want to encourage those who are. I say that you make God the center of your life, and He will get involved in helping you find the right one to marry you and watch over your marriage to keep it full of love and romance and togetherness.

Here is an amazing wedding procession where the bride sings to God and her groom. The song is about how God will watch over your marriage (if you let Him). It is a beautiful wedding walk. A lot of people were moved to tears - even the men - the groom was crying his eyes out!

"HE KNOWS"​

An original wedding song performed by Almira Lat Trinidad​

(The Bride)​

In what ways are you preparing to be the spouse God wants you to be and for your future spouse? Let's talk and give each other tips and encouragement!

Hi @2ndTimeIsTheCharm!

Thanks for putting up this great thread! I think this is a topic that really doesn't get talked about enough. There are always threads about what people want in another person -- there are hardly any about what we can be doing to become our best for another person. I remember a user who started a thread years ago asking what people had to offer someone, and was understandably frustrated when it turned into just another "This is what I want in someone else" thread.

Most people here know my story. I married young until he left for another girl. Because of this, my first thought for myself was, "Work on being someone who won't who get left behind again."

But like any sinful human being, I've gone through long times of being selfish and self-centered. I was just as frustrated by the dating world where I met people who would talk a lot about what they wanted, but never what they had to give.

God made me realize that I had to be someone who had something to give if I was ever going to find someone.

I think the biggest thing I've tried to do is learn to live a responsible life. I had a lifelong goal of clearing out as much debt as possible because I never wanted to be a burden to another person. I've spent a lot of time around married people and married friends, observing things I admire and problems I think about how I would approach if it were me.

I remember being on a ministry team once where the woman driving us called her husband to ask if it would be ok if she could buy us coffee.

Sweet as this was, I was a bit floored by that, because I've spent so many years by myself. When I want to buy things for others, I just do it -- I never really thought about having to ask a husband for permission to do so.

So, for the next several years, I practiced asking my Dad and a close guy friend first about any major decisions in my life. (I would ask my Dad for his input anyway, but I was preparing myself to adjust my decisions if we disagreed.) It was my way of trying to get used to having to go to a male authority over major issues in my life.

Many years have passed, and of course, I still ask my Dad for his opinion but I don't know if I'll ever get married, so I make most choices on my own. I like to think I'm independent, but flexible (friends and family might disagree with this though!)

I try to listen when God corrects me, both directly and through the people close to me. They know me well and have no qualms about confronting me, but care enough to ask me thoroughly about the situation before assuming.

I've also tried to volunteer to look after my friend's kids at times, trying to prepare myself if I ever had a family.

Sometimes it's discouraging, and it does get lonely.

But I'm very thankful to have an awesome body of friends and family who, even if I never marry, have helped me fulfill what I believe are my purposes in life (bringing people together, and making people laugh!)

Thank you so much for starting this thought-provoking topic, and may God richly bless you.

 

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

Yeah, making decisions together with your spouse would be important!

I hope some married people will also chime in about their experiences on making decisions together. We need more examples from them to learn from.

I love my freedom being single, so I would say yeah, make decisions with your spouse, but also create some space to be you? What I mean is, with getting permission from your spouse about buying something for your friends? I always look to my parents for reference about marriage stuff. Concerning money, they manage their own money individually.

My father has his own account and my mother has her own account. They have a joint account that they put money into for the month's bills and that's where they get together to make decisions. Otherwise, each one spends his or her money independently. Fortunately they manage their own money wisely and don't spend frivolously. They are both quite frugal.

So, at least for money, I would think it best that each manage your own money and have a joint account to pay monthly bills. I don't believe one spouse should be the manager of the couple's money AT ALL.

What other topics should we all discuss about how to prepare to be an excellent catch?

 

[Churchgoer]

If really want to get married, then need to settle.
No settling, no marriage haha

 

[seoulsearch]

If really want to get married, then need to settle.
No settling, no marriage haha

LOL!!!

I think there's a lot of truth to this!!

Unfortunately.

But, it's realistic.

One of the things I think about is if I were faced with the opportunity to get married, "Would I have more peace as a married, or as a single?"

In the past several years, I've been in two situations with talks about getting married (at completely separate times in my life,) and in both cases, I knew very well that NO, my life would NOT AT ALL be more peaceful if I got married.

I have no doubt at all that the other parties would make GREAT husbands.

But each situation came with A LOT of family drama that could not be avoided, and I knew I wouldn't fare well being dragged into all of that. It was on-going and inescapable until those family members passed on.

I'm pretty fortunate in that for now, my family has its own drama, sure, but it's manageable, and we each try to work out our own problems.

No one tries to mooch off of or constantly start fights with anyone else, and I'm finding that to be increasingly rare.

 

[cinder]

If really want to get married, then need to settle.
No settling, no marriage haha

So what should we be content settling for and what is it not worth settling on? Or to put it another way, which wants are negotiable and which are required?

 

[Churchgoer]

LOL!!!

I think there's a lot of truth to this!!

Unfortunately.

But, it's realistic.

One of the things I think about is if I were faced with the opportunity to get married, "Would I have more peace as a married, or as a single?"

In the past several years, I've been in two situations with talks about getting married (at completely separate times in my life,) and in both cases, I knew very well that NO, my life would NOT AT ALL be more peaceful if I got married.

I have no doubt at all that the other parties would make GREAT husbands.

But each situation came with A LOT of family drama that could not be avoided, and I knew I wouldn't fare well being dragged into all of that. It was on-going and inescapable until those family members passed on.

I'm pretty fortunate in that for now, my family has its own drama, sure, but it's manageable, and we each try to work out our own problems.

No one tries to mooch off of or constantly start fights with anyone else, and I'm finding that to be increasingly rare.

Totally understand.
So unwilling to settle is a huge factor.
Especially for 50+, not pressured to have babies, housing, ....what's there to settle for?

Many young people have no place to live, jammed with parents, roommates, eager to have children... all good reasons to settle.

 

[Churchgoer]

So what should we be content settling for and what is it not worth settling on? Or to put it another way, which wants are negotiable and which are required?

Different ages different scenarios.

Case by case.

 

[seoulsearch]

Yeah, making decisions together with your spouse would be important!

I hope some married people will also chime in about their experiences on making decisions together. We need more examples from them to learn from.

I love my freedom being single, so I would say yeah, make decisions with your spouse, but also create some space to be you? What I mean is, with getting permission from your spouse about buying something for your friends? I always look to my parents for reference about marriage stuff. Concerning money, they manage their own money individually.

My father has his own account and my mother has her own account. They have a joint account that they put money into for the month's bills and that's where they get together to make decisions. Otherwise, each one spends his or her money independently. Fortunately they manage their own money wisely and don't spend frivolously. They are both quite frugal.

So, at least for money, I would think it best that each manage your own money and have a joint account to pay monthly bills. I don't believe one spouse should be the manager of the couple's money AT ALL.

What other topics should we all discuss about how to prepare to be an excellent catch?

Thank you so much for mentioning this.

Since finances are the #1 reason for divorce, Christian or not, I don't think this is talked about realistically enough.

There have been several threads here over the years about prenuptial agreements and shared vs. separate accounts, with most (usually married) people insisting that everything needs to be put together, and if you get a prenup it means you don't trust the other person.

I know these are traditional values and it might still might work if you're young with no kids and just starting a life together.

But the hard truth is that for singles who are older, people have already built their own individual lives, and now you have to figure out how to blend them together without anyone getting strangled.

I've said for years that if I marry, I will insist on on getting a prenup, and part of it is because of this very Singles Forum. I've read far too many posts from men talking about women taking them to the cleaners, and most dates I've been on over the years included the man telling me all about how women have done them financially wrong.

Me getting a prenup would be me showing my potential husband that I'm not marrying him for money.

People in middle age might have retirement accounts and kids -- and maybe they want at least part of that to go to their kids when God calls them home -- which is perfectly understandable. Many people also have children with special needs and want to ensure they are provided for when the parent dies.

I myself have savings that I would legally insist have a percentage set aside that was untouchable and designated for the care of certain family members if they were still alive.

In a perfect world where everyone was obeying Jesus, yes, we could all combine accounts and give everything over to the care of one person and sing Hallelujah together.

But we don't live in that kind of world, and seeing how uncertain the life is -- your spouse might develop an addiction and wipe out your entire account, or a bread-winning spouse might die tomorrow -- I think we have to allow means to realistically prepare. I've listened to lots of stories of how sports betting and other forms of gambling can often be a silent killer that is causing families to lose everything -- often behind a spouse's back.

I was married to someone with a shopping addiction I didn't know about until after we married.

I've never had a time in my life when I wasn't working to earn a living, and because of that experience, I will never give that up. I don't ever want to be in a situation again where mystery bills are appearing and you don't know if you'll have enough to pay your mortgage/rent that month because of it.

I will always have some sort of separate emergency stash put away, just in case.

And I do realize these all may be reasons I'm not married now, and may never marry again.

But when I see others going through all kinds of financial distress because of decisions being made despite their input or without it (whether it be the husband or the wife,) I can't say I have any regrets.

 

[Churchgoer]

Thank you so much for mentioning this.

Since finances are the #1 reason for divorce, Christian or not, I don't think this is talked about realistically enough.

There have been several threads here over the years about prenuptial agreements and shared vs. separate accounts, with most (usually married) people insisting that everything needs to be put together, and if you get a prenup it means you don't trust the other person.

I know these are traditional values and it might still might work if you're young with no kids and just starting a life together.

But the hard truth is that for singles who are older, people have already built their own individual lives, and now you have to figure out how to blend them together without anyone getting strangled.

I've said for years that if I marry, I will insist on on getting a prenup, and part of it is because of this very Singles Forum. I've read far too many posts from men talking about women taking them to the cleaners, and most dates I've been on over the years included the man telling me all about how women have done them financially wrong.

Me getting a prenup would be me showing my potential husband that I'm not marrying him for money.

People in middle age might have retirement accounts and kids -- and maybe they want at least part of that to go to their kids when God calls them home -- which is perfectly understandable. Many people also have children with special needs and want to ensure they are provided for when the parent dies.

I myself have savings that I would legally insist have a percentage set aside that was untouchable and designated for the care of certain family members if they were still alive.

In a perfect world where everyone was obeying Jesus, yes, we could all combine accounts and give everything over to the care of one person and sing Hallelujah together.

But we don't live in that kind of world, and seeing how uncertain the life is -- your spouse might develop an addiction and wipe out your entire account, or a bread-winning spouse might die tomorrow -- I think we have to allow means to realistically prepare. I've listened to lots of stories of how sports betting and other forms of gambling can often be a silent killer that is causing families to lose everything -- often behind a spouse's back.

I was married to someone with a shopping addiction I didn't know about until after we married.

I've never had a time in my life when I wasn't working to earn a living, and because of that experience, I will never give that up. I don't ever want to be in a situation again where mystery bills are appearing and you don't know if you'll have enough to pay your mortgage/rent that month because of it.

I will always have some sort of separate emergency stash put away, just in case.

And I do realize these all may be reasons I'm not married now, and may never marry again.

But when I see others going through all kinds of financial distress because of decisions being made despite their input or without it (whether it be the husband or the wife,) I can't say I have any regrets.

From my observation, 50+ woman usually have more wealth accumulated than same age man.

Possible man are more care free, while woman tend to care for safety net.

For 50+, I would say friendship first, if both willing to remain as pure friends for good amount of time, that would be helpful to develop more serious stuff.

I have observed 50+ men unwilling to be pure friends, they either marry you, or ghost you

 

[ZoomerX]

I don't even know to be honest...my life is so trash right now, i don't think anyone would want or care about me.

 

[Churchgoer]

I don't even know to be honest...my life is so trash right now, i don't think anyone would want or care about me.

Find a group of Christian brothers sisters, most likely in local church, one day at a time, see how God lead you.
Jesus love you, the God create heaven and earth love you, be blessed

 

[Lanolin]

I myself am not looking to get married but I want to encourage those who are. I say that you make God the center of your life, and He will get involved in helping you find the right one to marry you and watch over your marriage to keep it full of love and romance and togetherness.

Here is an amazing wedding procession where the bride sings to God and her groom. The song is about how God will watch over your marriage (if you let Him). It is a beautiful wedding walk. A lot of people were moved to tears - even the men - the groom was crying his eyes out!

"HE KNOWS"​

An original wedding song performed by Almira Lat Trinidad​

(The Bride)​

In what ways are you preparing to be the spouse God wants you to be and for your future spouse? Let's talk and give each other tips and encouragement!

Am practising my singing skills by going on Smule and singing with random people, so I can sing at my own future wedding.
He has to sing a duet with me, like a call and response as I am walking down the aisle.
I think a good song to sing, would be maybe something from ABBA 'I do, I do I do I do'. I am not creative enought to write my own songs.

 

[Lanolin]

Hallelujah may also be a good one.

As for being fiscally responsible, you get out what you put in, so I would be going Dutch on the wedding ceremony and honeymoon, and we will live in a duplex, so if we need time apart or in event of eventual split or seven year itch, we can still be married but be separate. Nobody will have to sleep on the couch or be in the doghouse.

 

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

Hallelujah may also be a good one.

As for being fiscally responsible, you get out what you put in, so I would be going Dutch on the wedding ceremony and honeymoon, and we will live in a duplex, so if we need time apart or in event of eventual split or seven year itch, we can still be married but be separate. Nobody will have to sleep on the couch or be in the doghouse.

It would be better if you both made up your minds to work things out as you live together so that it will never come to a separation or divorce. From my parents' marriage, they always work things out before things get worse.

In the Philippines, there's no divorce. So people are much more careful about who they pick to marry and always try to work things out so the marriage lasts.

There are some who don't care of course, but they are pretty obvious and can be avoided.

 

[JohnDB]

The majority of adult singles I used to hang around....sure....most of them were taking classes, working on some ability, practicing a skill, and all involved in some sort of altruistic endeavor on some level.

But....

Still missed the most important part of just being kind, generous and being actually interested and available (within appropriate boundaries) for the other Christian singles in their life. But I did see a lot of narcissistic behaviors stemming from all that self improvement too....completely offputting.

All in all It doesn't really require much....
The few who did and were not just "giving to get" always had friends who were genuine and not flaky (well....you always have a huge amount if flaky singles in every group) but there existed a core....they stayed rather faithful and interested in being genuine friends with those who behaved in such a fashion.
IOW genuiness begat genuine behavior.

Sure, not everyone us going to find the other singles attractive or a good fit for your lifestyle and attitudes. Some have huge consumer debts, some have serious medical concerns, others overbearing families with criminal connections.....too much international travel for their work....or they have tastes in significant others that are "difficult" to obtain. (I, myself had a smart girl preference.....Masters degree or better before applications were accepted.....but the position has been filled by sheer luck, happenstance, and my absolute delight).

At a certain point....everyone has acquired baggage. Reactions to things they cant help....they perceive everything through a lense of some sort of belief. They may or may not know their perception us wrong but the reflex still wont stop.
I currently have big city baggage....I'm trying to get rid of it but being frustratingly unsuccessful at it. I live in a small town. 2,200 population....everyone knows everyone. Everyone knows everything about me because I live here and people talk.
But I'm digressing. Its complicated and yet important to work with the baggage of those around you have. We aren't talking about severe, mental health psychosis here....simple baggage. Those mental health concerns requiring medication? That's SEVERE....baggage complicates those things too.

I've never once felt like I've become less like me because of my wife. (Nor has she) we celebrate and compliment each others talents.... praise their hobbies....and enable them sometimes. And I have several luggage sets that I cant dump.....my wife is a saint in my book. But she has "the FAMILY" where there's 70+ every holiday to fuss, glad hand, annoy, be annoyed by, scrutinized by, all the annoying things family dysfunction has going for it. A huge mess....(the irritation and fire is real)
Wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[StoneLion]

I don't even know to be honest...my life is so trash right now, i don't think anyone would want or care about me.

Jesus does Zoomer. He will always love and care about you more than any other person is even capable of. No matter what happens in your life, how alone or broken you feel, the King of Kings calls you his own and I proudly call you my brother.

Sometimes it's not the answer we want to hear but it is always the answer we need. God bless you my dear friend

 

[Lanolin]

It would be better if you both made up your minds to work things out as you live together so that it will never come to a separation or divorce. From my parents' marriage, they always work things out before things get worse.

In the Philippines, there's no divorce. So people are much more careful about who they pick to marry and always try to work things out so the marriage lasts.

There are some who don't care of course, but they are pretty obvious and can be avoided.

It is like Ireland where there is no divorce either because the Catholic church banned it. Instead they have 'annulment'.

In New Zealand there is no divorce either if you just live together, and not get married. Most people don't get married, they just live together. They call it 'long term relationship' like they are in school or something. If renting, they have an arrangement called 'tenants in common' and on the status of whether they are single or not its called a de-facto relationship. After 2 years together, a couple is considered married and if they have children or property its just like marriage, except nobody has changed their names.

For church people if they live together and not married, they are considered 'engaged' and their other half is their fiance. They wait until they have enough money to have a wedding in church. There is a religious ceremony as well as signing of papers. If you don't belong to church you just get a marriage licence from the courthouse. Ideally both at the same time but for a lot of people that isn't going to happen because housing is now unaffordable for most young couples. All the money that could go toward owning their own home is saved and if they don't have a wedding. Which can be super expensive.

 

[Lanolin]

Well there is divorce its just people call it 'splitting up' or separation because divorce is super expensive and involves the court and legal fees. If you both agree to be apart, you just have to work out co-parenting if you have children otherwise the court will decide for you.

For children when their parents divorce its super stressful because they need to figure out what days they'll see each parent - and choose who to live with most of the time.

 

[Lanolin]

BTW just to be clear I'm not preparing to marry anyone. Well not at the moment. I don't have anyone to marry and nobody's asked. but what I said is probably what I would propose if somebody actually did.