"I can fix him/her" *sigh*

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Jullianna

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How often do you watch your friends/relatives repeatedly choose to become involved with people who need “fixing”? And a lot of times THEY need fixing themselves! ‘Ever want to just grab them by the shoulders and shake some sense into them????

I talked with a relative last night over the phone who always ASKS for advice, but never listens…and now he’s jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. And I’m supposed to know how to fix his relationship with the woman he just married who needs to be fixed… the extremely aggressive woman I said he shouldn’t marry because he is still in love with his ex-wife…

It takes healthy people to make a healthy relationship. Ladies, if a guy needs to constantly lean on YOU, how will he ever be the leader God has called him to be in a godly relationship with a christian woman? It’s great to feel needed, but understand that marriage takes two to make it work. Guys, if you keep trying to rescue the damsel in distress, eventually figure out that you can’t fix her and it was the romantic notion of doing so that drew you to her in the first place, then dump her, do you not realize that you are only adding to her issues…and YOURS? And if BOTH of you are struggling with unresolved issues……..do you really need another heartache on your list?

Don’t misunderstand. I don’t underestimate the power of God in anyone’s life. But I also know that God expects us to use some sense. He doesn’t want us running headlong into situations we are not prepared to handle. There can be life altering consequences.
If relationships are right, they will still be right when the parties are ready for them.






 
I've noticed that a lot of people tend to ignore good advice and only listen to the advice that they want to hear. (not talking about here on CC, just people in general)
 
That's very good advice indeed, Jullianna. I know someone like that; she would rather give other people advice and ask for it rather than listening and applying advice she is given. As a matter of fact, she has told me several times, "I will just wait it out, I know I can help him change if I am just patient." HE has to be the one to change (or, in some cases, SHE has to be the one to change) willingly - If they are not willing to change and their hearts are not open, people are just going to keep going in vicious circles.
 
Ehhh... That's kinda funny!!... lol... Tell him first if he's not going to listen then don't bother you,... If only you knew about his listening prob... hahaha... Doesn't metter if he's relative or not... hmmm lol!!!
 
I can't tell you how many times I've asked him why he keeps asking me if he's not going to listen.... *sigh*

Gabe, I think you've hit it on the head. I often think people have already decided to do exactly what they want to do no matter what. :) I'm not sure why they take up our time and energy over it in those instances, do you?
 
Jullianna said:
I can't tell you how many times I've asked him why he keeps asking me if he's not going to listen.... *sigh*

Gabe, I think you've hit it on the head. I often think people have already decided to do exactly what they want to do no matter what. :) I'm not sure why they take up our time and energy over it in those instances, do you?
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That gives a chance to feel sorrowful and say that he'll listen... lol be firm... maybe you haven't established wgo you really are!!! Tell him straight that if isn't going to listen don't bother... it'll save you tons of ill asked questions you have to think about and advice given that is not used!!! It'll work you gotta be firm...

They just want affirmation... affirmation that they might just disregard... lol...
 
i believe he knows what to do.since you rigthly said you also told him,bt he needs to be ignited,i.e like a forest fire it has d potetial burn bt without a spark it wont burn.all iam saying is that,there could be a way u can assist him with a push that would help him achieve his goal.i think thats actually what he came for not advice.some times i know wat to do but dont know how to start.
 
lol... They think they have you and take you forgranted, maybe... But I think the problem is much deeper!!! Maybe you should tell him if he's not going to listen at all, that you can't take it from him, the mistakes he's going to make because he doesn't listen...
 
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I don't understand that myself. It's too much work fixing myself, let alone other people, hahaha. And only each one of us can find out how to fix our own problems. If someone else tries to barge in and try to fix it without considering the bigger picture it could just make things worse.
 
I learned from my last relationship that I can't mold someone into someone that I would eventually fall in love with. I can't fix the things about someone that I don't understand about them. And realistically I can't fix anything in general.

There is a reason people are the way they are. I've recently learned that there are some things about some people that others don't like but, I find terrifyingly beautiful. :)
 
Jullianna said:
I can't tell you how many times I've asked him why he keeps asking me if he's not going to listen.... *sigh*

Gabe, I think you've hit it on the head. I often think people have already decided to do exactly what they want to do no matter what. :) I'm not sure why they take up our time and energy over it in those instances, do you?
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You know how people have a bad habit like smoking? Well, someone like that looks into how to quit that bad habit and they know all the things they need to do and people tell them they need to stop and maybe they even try a few times.... but they don't stop. WHY? Because this bad habit is also providing them with something they crave, something that makes them feel incomplete when they don't have it, something that has an iron grip on their being. I heard that the best thing to do is to replace a bad habit with a good habit. I don't know about that, but one thing that might really work is prayer....and maybe an intervention.
 
There is the stereotypical mindset that says Guys marry women because they don't want them to change and women marry men hoping to change them.
 
Funny, for whatever reason I was thinking about this last night. I feel that more often than not, a woman will try to change ["fix"] a man, conversely, a man generally likes his woman to remain the same.

In actuality, no human on earth has the ability to change the hearts of men.

In other words.... women should stop watching their Lifetime movies and wake up! :p
 
I guess that I'm one of the oddball guys that gets into relationships thinking I can "fix" the person I'm dating. Fortunately, in more recent years, I've finally come to terms with it and although my most recent relationship was a "fixer" I saw it and quickly got out.

I couldn't agree more Jullianna, it takes two healthy people to make a healthy relationship.

As for people who continually ask for advice and then ignore it, I just quit wasting my breath in giving it. The only thing giving advice does if they aren't going to follow it is giving "I told you so" rights later on. :D
 
Great post Julianna
I sometimes get the feeling those people aren't really looking for advice, but for someone to tell them they're making the right choices. They know what they want, and what they're going to do, they just want us to give them the thumbs up. And when we don't, and instead we issue a warning, they ignore it because its not what they wanted.
I love the line 'healthy people make healthy relationships'. Thats a perfect way to put it.
 
Thanks, Ugly. I agree. They aren't looking for advice, especially an opposing point of view. I think they just want a sounding board for the most part. The relative I'm talking about has been doing this since high school. He asks for advice, does what he wants, then comes back to whine on my shoulder until I find myself avoiding his calls. I've talked him into counseling a time or two. It helps for a time, but the cycle always begins again. He'll even go back to church..until things improve..

I sometimes wonder if this happens because people have self-esteem issues and it feeds their ego if they can find someone more "broken" than themselves. Does that make sense?

I actually agree with Liamson about people having beautiful faults. "Perfect" people can be kinda boring and annoying. :D One of the guys I have loved most on this planet is a cigar-smoker (I loathe cigars; took a few puffs as a kid and got sick as a dog) who watches the dumbest cartoons ever and laughs hysterically, has HORRIBLE taste in music, THINKS he's a great dancer and has a very odd shaped head. :)
 
alienx7587 said:
Funny, for whatever reason I was thinking about this last night. I feel that more often than not, a woman will try to change ["fix"] a man, conversely, a man generally likes his woman to remain the same.

In actuality, no human on earth has the ability to change the hearts of men.

In other words.... women should stop watching their Lifetime movies and wake up! :p
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Agreed! Got to love them for who they are, quirks and all. Both men and women can be guilty of trying to change their partner.

The only thing I could someday see myself "changing" about my guy is maybe his poor-ish diet, cause I care about him and want him to be healthy. :) But I would never nag or pressure him in a negative way. I would gently nudge and offer suggestion now and then, and if he liked the idea, I'd help encourage him to try new foods, but only if he were in on it too. I don't believe in forcing someone to change or meet some unrealistic fantasy.

P.S. Lifetime annoys me. :p
 
Relena7 said:
Agreed! Got to love them for who they are, quirks and all. Both men and women can be guilty of trying to change their partner.
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Precisely. :)
Relena7 said:
The only thing I could someday see myself "changing" about my guy is maybe his poor-ish diet, cause I care about him and want him to be healthy. :) But I would never nag or pressure him in a negative way. I would gently nudge and offer suggestion now and then, and if he liked the idea, I'd help encourage him to try new foods, but only if he were in on it too. I don't believe in forcing someone to change or meet some unrealistic fantasy.
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I hope I can find a woman who follows this ideology! ...And a woman who can cook! :D:D

Relena7 said:
P.S. Lifetime annoys me. :p
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^THIS... requires proof! :p
 
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