How Do You Convince Someone You Are NOT Their Ex?!?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Singles!

Something is really bothering me, and I"m sure you all have encountered this too: do you meet someone who immediately tells you, in all the gory details, every evil thing their ex did to them? And do they have so much anger and bitterness that you immediately feel you're on the defensive because of someone else who did them wrong?

I've encountered this time and time again. I once had a close guy friend who told me, "There are only two kinds of women--those who want money, and those with serious emotional problems." Just recently, I went to dinner with a guy I'm becoming friends with, and he talked so passionately about how his ex had used him that when the bill arrived, I plunked down the cash before he could even reach for it and said, "Well, I'm not someone who is going to use you for anything." (Yes, Mr. GreenNNice, I know you're going to kill me! )

But in a way, I always feel like I have to somehow prove that I'm not the woman who did the guy wrong, do you know what I mean? Not in a conceited or self-righteous way, but something inside me wants to scream, "I AM NOT HER, OR ANY OTHER WOMAN WHO ROPED YOU INTO BUYING HER THINGS ALL THE TIME!! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT??!"

And guys, I'm sure you feel the same way. To be fair, this same guy was completely perplexed as to why I was a little afraid of him. And to be honest, I wasn't even sure. After a lot of soul-searching and praying, I finally figured out why--he's tall and strong, and built very much like the guys who, in separate incidences, picked me up and threw me into things. (I was not harmed and I pray for all those who have been through so much worse.) But I'm being COMPLETELY unfair to be afraid of him because he is NOT those guys. When I finally figured it out and told him, he said, "I understand, but I'm not like that," and maybe he was feeling the same kind of frustration as I was.

He probably wanted to shout, "I AM NOT THOSE GUYS!!" just as much as I had wanted to shout at him. Definitely not a very healthy way to start off getting to know someone!!!

Life is what it is--you go through some things, and sometimes it leaves scars. Even when God helps you through, there may be fears and pains.

But yet, we project these hurts onto other people, preventing us from getting close to someone or trusting anyone.

How do you think we get through it? And what is the best way to handle it? How do we 1. not blame others for things they didn't do or assume they'll harm us in the same way and/or 2. prove to someone else that we are not the person who hurt them?

I would be very interested to hear all of your thoughts. For anyone who wants to answer and isn't sure what to say, I'll try to create a poll (that's why I usually attach polls to my recent threads), but it might wind up being a little random! And the poll answers are completely anonymous--feel free to choose as many as you can relate to.

 

[qit1]

I have gone through somethings that are too intense to talk about without tearing up!! Im tring to move on and yet, i hear you must pay the the ladies half if you go out. I feel we pay for our own so the dont feel you own the other person anything. I have heal greatly but ya i use to jump and run at loud sounds and fast movements. I got into social group and found a gorup that went throught similar things i did. We talked and we realize that we are not alone!! This help me get over alot of things. I still shake in fear at a person giving me a hug, or sadly if i get so far as kiss. Even ladies sitting next to me, it is not as bad now. I just had to breathe and say to myself they are not going to heart, me we are in a public place im safe! I has help alot and just taking things slow and going it more and more you build up that feeling of safeness and you let people get close in a more 1 on 1 setting. I still cant get ladies to go to a coffee shop with me. I think they see my neriousness ,and also they have fears themselves, but i know for a fact they could not have gone through what i did! Alot of prayer helped, and God has answered alot of those prayers. I hope this helps in some way!!

 

[See_KING_Truth]

I am not going to go too great into detail because I am pretty sure it would be similar to my response from another thread somewhere.
- I was hurt by an ex
- This pain negetavely influenced my perception of women
- I forgave her, and God took care of the rest

Forgiveness is a huge part of this and I am pretty sure that without forgiveness, I would still be bitter toward women. I don't think there is any need to prove to somebody that you are not the same as their ex. If they are still unforgiving or holding a grudge against that person, one should be able to see it in most instances. I would probably talk to them about forgiving, forgetting, and moving on. I know I am sounding repetitive, but when it comes down to it, in my opinion, unforgiveness is what those feelings of pain, bitterness, and loss of trust revolve around

 

[GreenNnice]

I am not going to go too great into detail because I am pretty sure it would be similar to my response from another thread somewhere.
- I was hurt by an ex
- This pain negetavely influenced my perception of women
- I forgave her, and God took care of the rest

Forgiveness is a huge part of this and I am pretty sure that without forgiveness, I would still be bitter toward women. I don't think there is any need to prove to somebody that you are not the same as their ex. If they are still unforgiving or holding a grudge against that person, one should be able to see it in most instances. I would probably talk to them about forgiving, forgetting, and moving on. I know I am sounding repetitive, but when it comes down to it, in my opinion, unforgiveness is what those feelings of pain, bitterness, and loss of trust revolve around

---
SeeMcVeggiesTruthKing said above. ^
Now, I am missing my bird beak, where did I put it. OH, it's above me

---
No, serious and seriously, seoulsearching, I think you can break down a lot of bitterness in people by....making them laugh. Tell them that their nose grows real long (like a beak) when they start to get angry and then goes back to normal after they stop talking about THEIR EX !!!

Anyway, that's enough talk from this Pinocchio

 

[zeroturbulence]

You are not my ex, Kim!! How many times do i have to say it?!

 

[Pheonix]

Ah, the joys of dealing with damaged people. I think though we tend to forget that we are all damaged in some way. This should make us think of the other person but being human we tend to be selfish and thoughtless, and so we forget that the other person may have had it worse than us.

Just a thought anyhow.

 

[seoulsearch]

You are not my ex, Kim!! How many times do i have to say it?!

Of course you're not my ex, Zero... You're just my Velociraptor Baby Daddy. (Joke from another thread!) Now be sure to turn the eggs once in a while...

Thanks to everyone for the heartfelt and honest feedback (heh, Green... I liked your solution ) and I hope everyone will keep sharing their thoughts and experiences.

 

[zeroturbulence]

You're just my Velociraptor Baby Daddy.

LOL That actually has a nice ring to it! Are there Huggies available for baby velo's?? Hmm..

 

[Catlynn]

I've never experienced this situation...but it's an interesting thread. I guess I'd have to agree with the forgiveness option. Not that I would hold unforgiveness against someone that I might enter into a relationship with, however I would probably speak with them about it and pray for them. I understand first hand that unforgiveness can eat away at you in more ways than one and can be damaging in the long run.
That's what I'd hope I would do anyway. lol

 

[Relena7]

I've never dated anyone with an ex before. And I've never broken up with anyone. I'm still with my first boyfriend and I'm his first GF.

I can still understand being too hurt to trust anyone though. I had enough suspicions of people when I was single and inexperienced, lol. I can only imagine how bad I'd be like if I went through some bad breakup. =/

It's best to take things slow really. Trusting someone with your heart too soon is a huge leap of faith. Pardon the cliche.
Take your time, be a friend first, take it slow. Build trust again.

 

[Ritter]

I would probably say that parallels between me and her ex exist given the fact that we both harbor traits that she would find attractive which are bound to cross over. This does not, however, make us the same two people.

If the trend continues, I would probably say goodbye unless she happened to be so amazing that even mistaking me for someone else would keep me around. Highly doubtful though.

 

[Oncefallen]

In my experience, you can't convince someone that you aren't their ex. I've dated my share of wounded women that had their expectations of how I would react to certain circumstances based on their experiences with an ex. I have found that IF they haven't healed from those past relationships, there is no way to overcome those preconceived notions no matter how many times you prove the preconceived notion wrong.

 

[Jullianna]

I wouldn't bother trying to convince anyone of this. I would run. Serious healing needs to take place in the life of someone like this before they are ready for a relationship with someone new.

 

[seoulsearch]

^^^ I do have to say that I agree with running from someone who exhibits these kinds of warning signs. I've gotten to a place where I talk to people, get to know them... but that's as far as it goes. And yes, it seems that it could mean being single forever!! (My 9th year is off to a running start...)

 

[Ugly]

Yeah, i would not waste my time on a person like that. That kind of damage takes time to recover from, and a lot of work. I would not want to put in the kind of time or commitment, or punishment on myself, for someone i barely knew. If you're going to date someone you have to date them for what they are, not what you think they could be.

 

[Ritter]

I'm actually surprised beating them about the head with a blunt object wasn't an option.

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm actually surprised beating them about the head with a blunt object wasn't an option.

LOL. I guess the "good little Christian" side was fighting for control the day I wrote the poll answers, Ritter--(looks at avatar) I mean, ARRRRR, MATEY.

If I would have let the "not-so-good little Christian" side out that day, it would have turned into several subcategories such as:

A. I have met a person who was so hung up over their ex that I wanted to hit them in the head with a blunt object.

B. I have met a person who was so bitter about their ex that I wanted to throw various sharp objects at them.

C. I have talked to a person who kept comparing me to their ex so much that I wanted to throw a heavy object at them (anything over 5 pounds comes to mind), as well as something poisonous (a water moccasin, perhaps?)

As you can see... it would only unleash a monster.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Storytime... ok so, several years ago there was this guy i reeeaaaaallllyyyyyy liked, we never dated though because he wouldn't stop comparing me to ths chick he used to date. She cheated on him and it was just this big disaster, he was in love with her an all that. I could understand why he was apprehensive of dating again. Who wouldnt be right. For months on end i tried to convince him I AM NOT THIS OTHER GIRL!!! It was all in vain though, cause he just could not get it through his head. Finally i said look this is to much, im not even sure i can be your friend anymore. I mean whenever i thought we were getting somewhere he would just vanish for days at a time. When i had met him it had been a year since all that happened, but he just could not get over it.

So i basically said bye bye. Cause he didnt want to date me, but didnt want me dating anyone else. I waited and waited aaaaaaaand waited, but he just continued to bring her and me up in the same sentence and i pretty much had it. So we stopped talking. This was 2 years ago.

Present day. Yesterday actually. He starts texing me!!!! I miss you so much, im sorry about 2 years ago, i really wanna be with you. So im lookin at my phone like... WHAT! He goes on to tell me how much he liked me back then, but just couldnt do anything about it. I stil havent decided what to do about this, i mean he really put me through it!
I know now i should have never even tried nor expected anything when him and i met. You cannot convince someone you are not their ex, especially when there bound and determined you are.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Storytime... ok so, several years ago there was this guy i reeeaaaaallllyyyyyy liked, we never dated though because he wouldn't stop comparing me to ths chick he used to date. She cheated on him and it was just this big disaster, he was in love with her an all that. I could understand why he was apprehensive of dating again. Who wouldnt be right. For months on end i tried to convince him I AM NOT THIS OTHER GIRL!!! It was all in vain though, cause he just could not get it through his head. Finally i said look this is to much, im not even sure i can be your friend anymore. I mean whenever i thought we were getting somewhere he would just vanish for days at a time. When i had met him it had been a year since all that happened, but he just could not get over it.

So i basically said bye bye. Cause he didnt want to date me, but didnt want me dating anyone else. I waited and waited aaaaaaaand waited, but he just continued to bring her and me up in the same sentence and i pretty much had it. So we stopped talking. This was 2 years ago.

Present day. Yesterday actually. He starts texing me!!!! I miss you so much, im sorry about 2 years ago, i really wanna be with you. So im lookin at my phone like... WHAT! He goes on to tell me how much he liked me back then, but just couldnt do anything about it. I stil havent decided what to do about this, i mean he really put me through it!
I know now i should have never even tried nor expected anything when him and i met. You cannot convince someone you are not their ex, especially when there bound and determined you are.

Tell him you'll go out with him...

















for $1,000,000!! Cash, of course. Small, unmarked bills...just like in the movies.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Hahahaha Zero!! Awesome response