How to challenge 'laziness' in my wife?

[syborg]

When I look at Proverbs 31 and see the wife of noble character I have to say that actually I am the one who is up early and awake late organinsing and cleaning. . I am the one who usews price comparrison websites to get the best deals in food shopping and deals online. .things have improved slowly but there are still many issues that trouble me and my wife when challenged on certain lacks in household care will rise up like a cat raising it hackles nad she will lose her temper and become verbally abusive and spiteful. . gosh her tongue is truly a barbed sword .

I got frustrated today as I am currently home from work with Laryngitis and Tracheitis and yet despite having no energy nad feeling dizzy and sick with the coughing and throat/chest pain I folded wahing and managed some washing up and while she took our older 2 children to school took care of our youngest son who is still currently to young for school, When I came down this evening (I had been resting in bed for a few hours) I found the lounge still untiday with out youngest socks lying 1 on the floor and 1 on the sofa right next to where she was sat, toys accross the flor, the dinner plates had not been cleaned off of any food waste or sauces added, the washing up had not been done or even sorted and was strewn accross the entire side unit, the dinner table had not been cleaned down, the folded washing still where I had left it, the recycling, that is collected kerbside every Tues not sorted. As such despite my intense lack of energy and tiredness I washed up, sorted the recycling and have put the washing away. . I am so frustrated. .

I know forgive and overlook etc. . I know pray is sometihng to pursue, but how do I pro actively challenge the lack of motivation in the above . we have rowed many times over simply having her walk past a childs toy in the hallway or leaving a dirty bowl or plate from a late evening snack rather than clearing it away. . that sort of thing . its almost like blinkers are on either that or she simply chooses to ignore it .

I have learnt to bite my tongue the longer we have been together but it drives me around the twist. . you see she may have a blitz once a week of the surface stuff. . but open a drawer or cupboard and see the hidden stuff shoved away higgledy piggledy.

Help. . .

 

[Saul_Durian]

Have you tried smacking her?

I am joking of course. Ex-wife was like that, and my current g/f was like that too. I tried everything with my ex-wife. Nothing worked. But with my g/f, all I did was suggest we do things together, and it worked great. Which is nice because I'm not healthy enough to help her much around the house anymore.

Really hard to say without knowing her better. Good luck, and god bless.

 

[Ugly]

Try looking up a book called Boundaries In Marriage by Townsend/Cloud.

 

[Saul_Durian]

Try looking up a book called Boundaries In Marriage by Townsend/Cloud.

Yea, good book

 

[Jullianna]

When I look at Proverbs 31 and see the wife of noble character I have to say that actually I am the one who is up early and awake late organinsing and cleaning. . I am the one who usews price comparrison websites to get the best deals in food shopping and deals online. .things have improved slowly but there are still many issues that trouble me and my wife when challenged on certain lacks in household care will rise up like a cat raising it hackles nad she will lose her temper and become verbally abusive and spiteful. . gosh her tongue is truly a barbed sword .

I got frustrated today as I am currently home from work with Laryngitis and Tracheitis and yet despite having no energy nad feeling dizzy and sick with the coughing and throat/chest pain I folded wahing and managed some washing up and while she took our older 2 children to school took care of our youngest son who is still currently to young for school, When I came down this evening (I had been resting in bed for a few hours) I found the lounge still untiday with out youngest socks lying 1 on the floor and 1 on the sofa right next to where she was sat, toys accross the flor, the dinner plates had not been cleaned off of any food waste or sauces added, the washing up had not been done or even sorted and was strewn accross the entire side unit, the dinner table had not been cleaned down, the folded washing still where I had left it, the recycling, that is collected kerbside every Tues not sorted. As such despite my intense lack of energy and tiredness I washed up, sorted the recycling and have put the washing away. . I am so frustrated. .

I know forgive and overlook etc. . I know pray is sometihng to pursue, but how do I pro actively challenge the lack of motivation in the above . we have rowed many times over simply having her walk past a childs toy in the hallway or leaving a dirty bowl or plate from a late evening snack rather than clearing it away. . that sort of thing . its almost like blinkers are on either that or she simply chooses to ignore it .

I have learnt to bite my tongue the longer we have been together but it drives me around the twist. . you see she may have a blitz once a week of the surface stuff. . but open a drawer or cupboard and see the hidden stuff shoved away higgledy piggledy.

Help. . .

I'm a neat freak so this would definitely bug me too. Was she better about it when you first came together? Did things change at some point? Any idea why? Does caring for the kids overwhelm her? Does she have health issues? Does she work a fulltime job? Is she trying to do the supermom thing?

A couple of suggestions:

Set aside a weekend for the entire family to pitch in and clean out drawers, closets, etc., and get rid of as much stuff as you can. Make a game out of it so it's fun for your kids too. Donate items you don't use and don't really need to charity or have a yard sale and buy something fun for the family. The more stuff you have, the more you have to take care of. I do this twice a year and it really helps me keep my house in order, as I work very long hours.

If your family isn't up for that and you can afford it, hire someone once or twice a year to come in and help do the deep cleaning so the load is lightened a bit for your wife.

Thirdly, I would ask you whether your wife is suffering from some sort of depression. I have noticed that when women are depressed, they let their homes and themselves go a bit.

Just as a man listens to a whisper more intently than a shreik, a woman listens to and responds better to encouragement and support more than criticism. Be creative in finding ways to accomplish your goal. Make it fun for your family! God bless.

 

[spirit]

You are doing too much and nagging at the same time. Do what you can , worry less, and what you don't do today , there is always tommorow.

 

[shekaniah]

Hi Syborg,

Some women get overwhelmed with toddlers, have you tried taking the kids out to the park or for a walk.
So she can be refreshed. If you are always picking up, then she has no reason to do it. If my husband helped me,
I would do less...I will admit when my kids were young I was less organized.
By the way, the noble wife had servants.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.

Pray and ask God for wisdom how to talk to your wife, God knows her heart.
Take care and god bless

 

[Jordache]

There are a lot of angles to this. She could be tired and overwhelmed, and cannot fathom one more thing to do. This requires a very gracious approach. Work is relative. You may feel like she does very little, but especially since women have an integrated personality, she may feel like she's doing a lot. She also may be lazy. But her laziness could be biblical slothfulness or depression. My husband was extremely lazy. I would have to beg him a dozen times and break down in tears before he would have do something. She also just might not know how to do it. This has been my problem. My mom did not clean. We cleaned when we were being inspected or moving. Even then we didn't pass several inspections.
1. The boundaries book is a great source. Regardless of the reason, your cleaning for her is enabling. My counselor told me to do as much cleaning as I could to get by and leave the rest. It's very uncomfortable, but otherwise you are enabling.
2. Flylady.com is also a great resource. It's run by a Christian lady who gives practical steps to living your life. This has helped me immensely.
3. Compliment her on what she does do. Even if she just stacked the dishes on the table, that is a small step forward. Find something small.
4. Make it a chance to bond. This takes grace because your upset that she doesn't clean and she doesn't want to for any number of reasons. For me, I felt like my husband never wanted to connect. If he had just washed a few dishes with me I would have been more mot

 

[Tumnus]

I'm a neat freak so this would definitely bug me too. Was she better about it when you first came together? Did things change at some point? Any idea why? Does caring for the kids overwhelm her? Does she have health issues? Does she work a fulltime job? Is she trying to do the supermom thing?

A couple of suggestions:

Set aside a weekend for the entire family to pitch in and clean out drawers, closets, etc., and get rid of as much stuff as you can. Make a game out of it so it's fun for your kids too. Donate items you don't use and don't really need to charity or have a yard sale and buy something fun for the family. The more stuff you have, the more you have to take care of. I do this twice a year and it really helps me keep my house in order, as I work very long hours.

If your family isn't up for that and you can afford it, hire someone once or twice a year to come in and help do the deep cleaning so the load is lightened a bit for your wife.

Thirdly, I would ask you whether your wife is suffering from some sort of depression. I have noticed that when women are depressed, they let their homes and themselves go a bit.

Just as a man listens to a whisper more intently than a shreik, a woman listens to and responds better to encouragement and support more than criticism. Be creative in finding ways to accomplish your goal. Make it fun for your family! God bless.

THIS^. I think Julianna hit the nail on the head!

 

[Brandon777]

okay. no slapping across the face. negotiation and reason could save the day here, in theory. Look up the concept of collaboration. that might help. There should be an equal distribution of effort in a union (marriage). Don't give up the fight for your love. Keep hammering out (by talking) what could make the marriage equal.

 

[Relena7]

Ask her her side of the story. Keep an open heart, and and listen with love, not criticism.

I like Jullianna's post.

 

[Jullianna]

I thought maybe it would be helpful if we posted some tips

When I started my spring cleaning, it all seemed a bit overwhelming with my work hours, so I found some ways to make it not seem like work.

When I have drawers to clean out, I pull the drawers out, set them on my diningroom table and put a movie on while I work. By the time the movie is over, the work is done.

When I have ironing/mending to do, I save it for my favorite tv night (Mondays), so it's more relaxing than work.

Anyone else have tips we could share?

 

[shekaniah]

I thought maybe it would be helpful if we posted some tips

When I started my spring cleaning, it all seemed a bit overwhelming with my work hours, so I found some ways to make it not seem like work.

When I have drawers to clean out, I pull the drawers out, set them on my diningroom table and put a movie on while I work. By the time the movie is over, the work is done.

When I have ironing/mending to do, I save it for my favorite tv night (Mondays), so it's more relaxing than work.

Anyone else have tips we could share?

I agree work does go faster with a movies or music.

When my kids where younger, I would say on a saturday morning..."Who wants to go to the park?"
They would yell back, " I do!" Then I would say "Help me pick up the House so we can get going!"
(Or I would offer to play a board game Etc...)

 

[LANCY]

When I look at Proverbs 31 and see the wife of noble character I have to say that actually I am the one who is up early and awake late organinsing and cleaning. . I am the one who usews price comparrison websites to get the best deals in food shopping and deals online. .things have improved slowly but there are still many issues that trouble me and my wife when challenged on certain lacks in household care will rise up like a cat raising it hackles nad she will lose her temper and become verbally abusive and spiteful. . gosh her tongue is truly a barbed sword .

I got frustrated today as I am currently home from work with Laryngitis and Tracheitis and yet despite having no energy nad feeling dizzy and sick with the coughing and throat/chest pain I folded wahing and managed some washing up and while she took our older 2 children to school took care of our youngest son who is still currently to young for school, When I came down this evening (I had been resting in bed for a few hours) I found the lounge still untiday with out youngest socks lying 1 on the floor and 1 on the sofa right next to where she was sat, toys accross the flor, the dinner plates had not been cleaned off of any food waste or sauces added, the washing up had not been done or even sorted and was strewn accross the entire side unit, the dinner table had not been cleaned down, the folded washing still where I had left it, the recycling, that is collected kerbside every Tues not sorted. As such despite my intense lack of energy and tiredness I washed up, sorted the recycling and have put the washing away. . I am so frustrated. .

I know forgive and overlook etc. . I know pray is sometihng to pursue, but how do I pro actively challenge the lack of motivation in the above . we have rowed many times over simply having her walk past a childs toy in the hallway or leaving a dirty bowl or plate from a late evening snack rather than clearing it away. . that sort of thing . its almost like blinkers are on either that or she simply chooses to ignore it .

I have learnt to bite my tongue the longer we have been together but it drives me around the twist. . you see she may have a blitz once a week of the surface stuff. . but open a drawer or cupboard and see the hidden stuff shoved away higgledy piggledy.

Help. . .

Welcome to the life of most wifes. What you just described is what us ladies sit and gripped over at the water cooler . When you figure out how to change this sitation you are in (without divorcing), please let me know. I would love to try it and so would all my friends.

Good Luck!

 

[LANCY]

I'm a neat freak so this would definitely bug me too. Was she better about it when you first came together? Did things change at some point? Any idea why? Does caring for the kids overwhelm her? Does she have health issues? Does she work a fulltime job? Is she trying to do the supermom thing?

A couple of suggestions:

Set aside a weekend for the entire family to pitch in and clean out drawers, closets, etc., and get rid of as much stuff as you can. Make a game out of it so it's fun for your kids too. Donate items you don't use and don't really need to charity or have a yard sale and buy something fun for the family. The more stuff you have, the more you have to take care of. I do this twice a year and it really helps me keep my house in order, as I work very long hours.

If your family isn't up for that and you can afford it, hire someone once or twice a year to come in and help do the deep cleaning so the load is lightened a bit for your wife.

Thirdly, I would ask you whether your wife is suffering from some sort of depression. I have noticed that when women are depressed, they let their homes and themselves go a bit.

Just as a man listens to a whisper more intently than a shreik, a woman listens to and responds better to encouragement and support more than criticism. Be creative in finding ways to accomplish your goal. Make it fun for your family! God bless.

I find it funny you should ask if the wife is suffering from depression. Is that the excuse for all those husbands out there who do the exact same thing to the wifes and no one thinks a thing of it.

I envy this lady because she can just ignore the mess. I hate cleaning (I mean really hate it), but if it were not for me, our house would be filthy.

 

[LANCY]

When I look at Proverbs 31 and see the wife of noble character I have to say that actually I am the one who is up early and awake late organinsing and cleaning. . I am the one who usews price comparrison websites to get the best deals in food shopping and deals online. .things have improved slowly but there are still many issues that trouble me and my wife when challenged on certain lacks in household care will rise up like a cat raising it hackles nad she will lose her temper and become verbally abusive and spiteful. . gosh her tongue is truly a barbed sword .

I got frustrated today as I am currently home from work with Laryngitis and Tracheitis and yet despite having no energy nad feeling dizzy and sick with the coughing and throat/chest pain I folded wahing and managed some washing up and while she took our older 2 children to school took care of our youngest son who is still currently to young for school, When I came down this evening (I had been resting in bed for a few hours) I found the lounge still untiday with out youngest socks lying 1 on the floor and 1 on the sofa right next to where she was sat, toys accross the flor, the dinner plates had not been cleaned off of any food waste or sauces added, the washing up had not been done or even sorted and was strewn accross the entire side unit, the dinner table had not been cleaned down, the folded washing still where I had left it, the recycling, that is collected kerbside every Tues not sorted. As such despite my intense lack of energy and tiredness I washed up, sorted the recycling and have put the washing away. . I am so frustrated. .

I know forgive and overlook etc. . I know pray is sometihng to pursue, but how do I pro actively challenge the lack of motivation in the above . we have rowed many times over simply having her walk past a childs toy in the hallway or leaving a dirty bowl or plate from a late evening snack rather than clearing it away. . that sort of thing . its almost like blinkers are on either that or she simply chooses to ignore it .

I have learnt to bite my tongue the longer we have been together but it drives me around the twist. . you see she may have a blitz once a week of the surface stuff. . but open a drawer or cupboard and see the hidden stuff shoved away higgledy piggledy.

Help. . .

As mentioned in one of my posts, I really hate cleaning but the burden falls on me even though I have an abled body husband and a 10 year old son. So, I implented a rule. 5 out of 7 days you have to clean for 15 minutes (or you can clean longer so that you don't have to clean the next day). I expect at least each person work 1 hour and 15 minutes within a weeks time.

As much as my son gripped about this, so far it is working. I allow him to choose what he is going to clean with his 15 minutes. For me it's good because I am able to clean just a little bit each day without being overwhelmed with work, church activities and my son's activities.

For my husband it is still a work in progress to get him to dedicate 15 min a day. However, I will say that with the help my son is giving and what I am doing in my 15 minutes each day, it really does make the weekend much better.

 

[Jullianna]

I find it funny you should ask if the wife is suffering from depression. Is that the excuse for all those husbands out there who do the exact same thing to the wifes and no one thinks a thing of it.

I envy this lady because she can just ignore the mess. I hate cleaning (I mean really hate it), but if it were not for me, our house would be filthy.

I don't find anything funny about depression. It affects a lot of people deeply. I don't want to derail this thread though. The gentleman is asking for thoughts about his wife. The OP is not a woman asking about her husband.

 

[tribesman]

Q: How to challenge 'laziness' in my wife?

A: Maybe play that ole' tune:

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UO8sD81NVTg[/video]

 

[shekaniah]

Q: How to challenge 'laziness' in my wife?

A: Maybe play that ole' tune:

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UO8sD81NVTg[/video]

Realy???
I think a more uplifting and loving song would be more inspiring. LOL

 

[answers]

I guess, I will try to answer this by saying you both are different people with different opinions of what is clean, what should be done, what needs to be done, etc. Maybe as a husband, head of the house and wife, you could arrange a time to talk and make separate lists about what is most important to you and her, what needs to be done and when, what should get done and deadline. Once you establish priorities by each of you, review the lists and see if you are similar and where you are different. Discuss why? Each persons opinion is just as important as the others, but this is when one can make sacrifices.
For instance, if you two are different, but one has something on top of the "needs to be" and the other feels it is a "should be", that person should higher it.

LISTENING to your wife's complaints, can tell you a lot. You both, if you have not already, should take, "The 5 Love Languages" quiz. You might be bothered by these types of, lack of actions, beacuse you might feel loved the most from "acts of service" she might not feel love the same. This is another fun way to learn more of why eachother does the things we do.

I wish you the best! Listen, love and respect and it will all come together for you. God is working, be patient!