Are we doing marriage wrong??

[iraasuup]

Okay, weird title, let me elaborate.

I have been married 7years and am recently separated (it sucks, and I don't want to talk about it) but, during this time, I've got to thinking.

I've been looking at the biblical definition of marriage, of what God desired when He instituted the marriage of a man and a woman, and how many of us, as Christians seem to be getting it all wrong.

In searching through the 'what if's' of my personal situation, and looking at the past trying to figure out where it all went wrong, I reflected upon the relationships of other couples I know as comparisons, and I discovered a startling revelation.

LOTS of CHRISTIAN marriages fail. Why is that? If God himself instituted marriage, and we are followers of God, and we know what the word says, then why is it so hard?

I wonder not only what this does to us, but what it does, and how it looks to outsiders; particularly non-christians. We preach and teach on 'waiting on God for our spouse, on the sanctity of marriage, on the evils of permarital sex, on the roles of men and women etc etc'. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning any of these things, but isn't it a little, say, ironic that we KNOW how God designed marriage, that we have a 'blueprint' if you will, for the perfect marriage in front of us, and yet we still can't get it right??

I find this astounding, particularly when I look at non-christian couples whom we might consider to be in a 'wordly' relationship, and are actually in a very loving, supportive, monogamous relationship. I know many couples who may have different ideals on what constitutes a 'relationship' to what I do. I know couples who have lived together before marriage, even having all of their children together before marrying and still to this day, are in happy, healthy marriages. Now, I know Gods plan is best, and I know it's right, and I know the dangers of doing things 'our way', and I understand the spiritual aspect is a far deeper element in all of that. But, isn't it interesting that even when we think we're doing everything 'right', that things still don't work.

So, my question is... what are we doing wrong? Is it a lack of commitment? Are we just not taking the sanctity of marriage seriously? Do we not really understand what it means to love someone, to CHOOSE to love someone - unconditionally? Do we rush into marriage not really understanding the vow we make? Is it all too hard, so we just give up? Are we so scared of being alone, and consumed with 'lust' that we just marry for the wrong reasons? WHAT??? WHAT is wrong?

Why are so many Christian marriages failing? Why do we find it so hard to be be an example in this area? Why are so many of us 'trapped' in unloving marriages, with spouses who aren't committed?

Any thoughts??

 

[mystdancer50]

Personally, I think we leave Jesus out of our marriage most times. We forget that marriage is actually man, woman, and God. We also forget that marriage is a high calling and as such requires work and dedication. There are times when one chooses to love despite 'feeling' otherwise. Add to all this the simplicity of obtaining a divorce, the normalcy of divorce, and the acceptance of separation and taking a break, and you can easily see the problem. Of course, a great deal of Christians do not live a Romans 12 life, so divorce is as common in the church as without.

 

[Jullianna]

Katie,

First of all..hugs..and you're in my prayers...

Secondly, I've thought about this so many times as I have read these forums and listened to friends (christian/non-christian, male/female). These are things that have really stood out:

- Christians often marry too soon in the relationship and at a very young age because of the lust issue and because "it's the thing to do"
- Christians often have higher expectations of their spouses, and we should...but the problem is that we can often be less forgiving of mistakes and failures as well. It has been my observation that people who've made serious mistakes in life are often more compassionate and forgiving than those who have not.
- Christians sometimes think "the one" equals "the fairytale"...and it doesn't pan out that way
- There are times when Christians are discouraged from dating, etc. Down the road they feel they've "missed something" and they become curious.

But, again, these are just my personal observations.

 

[iraasuup]

Interesting responses there Julianna, Thanks.

 

[Crossfire]

I imagine marriage can become very complicated when one or both spouses insist of having things their way. My parents married when they were young (both in their late teens), neither had any clue what they were getting into. Both were very self centered and it lead to a lot of drama throughout my childhood.

Both of my brothers rushed into marriage, both married very self centered women who insist that everything must go there way and do not care who they offend in the process. Both of my brothers go above and beyond to please their wives yet neither appreciate it.

I guess this is why I have waited so long to get married. I would rather be alone than to marry someone who is self centered and could care less that I am miserable in the marriage just as long as they get their way. That's not love, that's torture and slavery.

 

[Jullianna]

I agree, Crossfire. Marriage cannot be about self, can it? How many times do people say, "I deserve better than this" and walk away from their families...

Another thing I've noticed is that so many people spend thousands of dollars on weddings (sometimes even going into debt), the huge rock rings, new cars for both, and a house full of amazing furniture and sound/video systems. THEN they found out about groceries, medical expenses, homeowners insurance, water/power/cable bills..and babies... It can be quite a strain.

 

[lifebridge]

I've looked at Abraham and Sarah's marriage closely and how they made it through especially when Abraham wasn't following God and doing what he thought would be best. I looked at Adam and Eve for the fact that they stayed together and raised their children in they fear of the Lord...Even King Soloman and King David (only because they sought God)....When times are bad in your marriage and mistakes are made...look to God for answers....I will be married for 6 years this week and we are going through some tough decisions to make concerning one of the children...we have not come to a decision on our own and it seems tough for the both of us..please pray

 

[erika83]

In our modern society people get married (usually) because they fall in love with each other. I'm in no way supporting arranged marriages, not to be misunderstood, but very often when people are in love overlook important things and problems arise later in marriage. It's very important to pray about the chosen person, search God's will and listen to people's advices around us. They can get a better picture sometimes.

Still, I want to believe that any marriage can be restored and can work with God. If we check the Bible there are not many verses on who to marry, especially in the NT, but there are more verses on how to behave with our spouse. I think most couples fall behind in loveing each other biblically. When you really love someone, the way that God expects from us you put their interest first and I don't see how the marriage wouldn't work in that case.

 

[Liamson]

I believe in the American culture people are very VERY afraid of being wrong. People see Marriage as a stock or a commodity. The idea is to lock in a set value or invest in a value that will rise over time. People marry people they believe to be worth something tangible. This tangible asset is not currency or equity but, it is security. It isn't even security in the traditional sense. Its Pride insurance. People marry each other the way that a 19 year old boy buys a car. It has nothing to do with how much love exists in the relationship or the purpose of the relationship, rather all they see is that "THIS" is the best they could do. The beauty or success of the person they marry is a reflection of themselves and their need for validity as a human being. Who they marry is a reflection of their pride and what their self esteem demands. Its not about love, its about having a trophy wife or an enviable husband. There is no love or purpose only status and the expectation that comes from the idea of being married.


He tells himself in his heart, "by what measure of beauty I see in her, I know that is what I am worth. If my wife is objectively more beautiful than the wives of all my friends I will be satisfied."


She tells herself in her heart, "He is the one, my handsomest arm apparel. The supplier of my Vanity and the assurance of stability in life. I just know that with Him I will finally have the life I wanted and where I belong. (even if that is with her family in church)"


If you have ever watched dogs play, you will see this principle in action. It has nothing to do with love and everything to do with pride and envy. If a dog has a toy, another dog will want that toy because it views it as desirable. There could in fact be many toys laying around but, a dog only wants the toys that it believes will inspire envy in other dogs. They will get one and walk around appearing to enjoy it right in front of other dogs. If another dog does not find the toy appealing the dog with the toy will find another toy or steal a toy, discarding the one they thought was unappealing to other dogs. Until it achieves its goal of causing envy and in the case of dogs, play, it will not be satisfied.



Down the road...
Well much like with cars, life happens. People get some miles. She has a child or six and He is not the youth that she remembers showing off to all her friends. So they start window shopping and seeing what their own market value is and how much their stock is worth again.


"He's so lazy. And not like anything I thought a man should be."

"She just isn't the same woman I married all those years ago."

Because they "bought" into marriage like a stock, regret sinks in which quickly turns into bitterness and hate. What they once believed was going to answer all their prayers has turned into a black 1988 convertible Monte Carlo (with a V8) (ha snicka HA).



A wedding VOW is that a VOW. A covenant between a man a woman and God. A COVENANT!!! Like the one Abraham made with God when he gazed at the stars and the Lord told Him that His descendants would be as many as all the stars he saw in the sky. A COVENANT!! Abraham loved the Lord so much that he would Sacrifice his only son to God, there is a trial for you. Abraham wasn't afraid of being wrong. He had faith that God would be God faithfully. He had no other gods nor did he look around at other gods. In sickness and in health? What about the way that Christ loved the church and gave His life for her. The way that a man should love his wife is set in the example of Christ. His love for her must eclipse her ever needing to ask him for it.



People are afraid to commit to each other. They are afraid of making a mistake. Long after the wedding people are not committed, they give each other ultimatums that were once jokes but slowly become something terrifyingly different. They are afraid to realize that marriage is not the end of anything but the beginning of something. People think that everything has to stop or be stifled because of marriage but, in marriage the difference is never having to do it alone again. Marriage is not about what "I" get or the "benefits" of being married, it is about declaring to God and everyone I CHOOSE YOU over all others to Love UNCONDITIONALLY, no matter the cost to life or limb or pocket or anything. Marriage is not something to plan out years in advance like a business merger, it is literally about the ability to LOVE FOREVER. People look for the assurance of predictability so as to make going through challenges easy, when they should be looking for CHRIST in the person they are going to marry. This is not in a "does he go to church?" kind of thing. This is a "The purpose of his LIFE is to serve GOD." kind of thing.



Marriage is not about life being perfect. It is about life being together. If people make their lives perfect before they get married when they hit a trial or a challenge, they throw their hands in the air and say, "THIS is NOT what I married!!" or grow old waiting for perfection to knock. Marriage is not about locking in person we want to be with. Marriage is about having a person to wade through the ugly swampiest cancerous diaper battles of life with and about having someone to share the summit of the top of the mountain with. Marriage is about growing together and building each other up and motivating each other to go deeper and pray harder. 2 are stronger than one and can overcome many challenges that being alone does not make simple. God never said anything about life was going to be easy. Life happens and its never ideal. Marriage is a Union forged in Love, that conquers the non-ideal, charges through adversity, overcomes doubt and extinguishes uncertainty. Love is the only future that God promises us. That we might show Christs love to the world. Marriage is for us as Christians a a standard by which we can do that and fulfill His purpose to bring glory and honor to the name of Jesus.


What better foundation is there to introduce a new life into this world than a marriage?

 

[owyka]

Marriage is all about puting God first and accepting each other idea cause both couple grew up in different home and different home training so it takes understanding and patience to go through it. That is why it is often said marriage is not for babies but for matured mind who can keep a home good is not interestwd in divorce.
SHALLOM

 

[zeroturbulence]

Okay, weird title, let me elaborate.

I have been married 7years and am recently separated (it sucks, and I don't want to talk about it) but, during this time, I've got to thinking.

I've been looking at the biblical definition of marriage, of what God desired when He instituted the marriage of a man and a woman, and how many of us, as Christians seem to be getting it all wrong.

In searching through the 'what if's' of my personal situation, and looking at the past trying to figure out where it all went wrong, I reflected upon the relationships of other couples I know as comparisons, and I discovered a startling revelation.

LOTS of CHRISTIAN marriages fail. Why is that? If God himself instituted marriage, and we are followers of God, and we know what the word says, then why is it so hard?

I wonder not only what this does to us, but what it does, and how it looks to outsiders; particularly non-christians. We preach and teach on 'waiting on God for our spouse, on the sanctity of marriage, on the evils of permarital sex, on the roles of men and women etc etc'. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning any of these things, but isn't it a little, say, ironic that we KNOW how God designed marriage, that we have a 'blueprint' if you will, for the perfect marriage in front of us, and yet we still can't get it right??

I find this astounding, particularly when I look at non-christian couples whom we might consider to be in a 'wordly' relationship, and are actually in a very loving, supportive, monogamous relationship. I know many couples who may have different ideals on what constitutes a 'relationship' to what I do. I know couples who have lived together before marriage, even having all of their children together before marrying and still to this day, are in happy, healthy marriages. Now, I know Gods plan is best, and I know it's right, and I know the dangers of doing things 'our way', and I understand the spiritual aspect is a far deeper element in all of that. But, isn't it interesting that even when we think we're doing everything 'right', that things still don't work.

So, my question is... what are we doing wrong? Is it a lack of commitment? Are we just not taking the sanctity of marriage seriously? Do we not really understand what it means to love someone, to CHOOSE to love someone - unconditionally? Do we rush into marriage not really understanding the vow we make? Is it all too hard, so we just give up? Are we so scared of being alone, and consumed with 'lust' that we just marry for the wrong reasons? WHAT??? WHAT is wrong?

Why are so many Christian marriages failing? Why do we find it so hard to be be an example in this area? Why are so many of us 'trapped' in unloving marriages, with spouses who aren't committed?

Any thoughts??

There's a big hint right there. I've spent most of my adult years as a non-christian and have picked up on a lot of the things that make a relationship work and what does not and none of it has anything to do with "putting God first". Instead it has everything to do with getting along (communication, compromise, self-sacrifice, tolerance, making the other person feel loved, etc...).

 

[zeroturbulence]

continued (editing time expired)...

In a nutshell, it has everything to do with putting YOUR PARTNER first.

 

[CC_Bride]

Iraasuup

I have been reading your threads and posts since I became a member in 2009, and Ive always tried to keep you in my prayers re issues you were having with your husband, but in all honesty from the minute I started reading about your experiences I had a very solid conviction that your husband was a very selfish man (no offense). It takes two to get a divorce so Im not saying your perfect and without fault in the marriage, but Im wondering if your trying to place some sort of the main fault of the marriage on yourself? Which I don't think you should be doing.

I have no idea why christian marriages fail. 1 sinner + 1 sinner doesn't = happiness in marriage.
Do you have anything specific you would like prayer over?

God bless
Melody

 

[zeroturbulence]

Iraasuup

I have been reading your threads and posts since I became a member in 2009, and Ive always tried to keep you in my prayers re issues you were having with your husband, but in all honesty from the minute I started reading about your experiences I had a very solid conviction that your husband was a very selfish man (no offense). It takes two to get a divorce so Im not saying your perfect and without fault in the marriage, but Im wondering if your trying to place some sort of the main fault of the marriage on yourself? Which I don't think you should be doing....

I second this!

 

[violakat]

And then there is the outside influence itself. Yep, that's right. We, those who supposedly love are married friends, you know the family members, friends, church members, yep we help cause a lot of conflict and tension in marriages. We think we know so much about everything and how everyone should live their lives. What we fail to recognize is not everyone is a cookie cut person. (Hmm, think cookie cutter is going to be my word for the week, since I've used it in another post.) We say, in order to have the perfect marriage, you must do this, this, this, and oh and don't forget this. You need to dress this way, and make a certain amount of money. And so we encourage people to do things that they would never have dreamed of doing, nor had any desire. And then our friends become bogged down with the stress of just trying to keep up with the Jones. No wonder there is so much conflict going on in marriages. And then, when the conflicts begin, we say, "Oh, if Rachel really loved you, she would do this." Or when they come to us complaining, we say, "Oh you poor little neglected girl, you just go and cry." What we don't do is hold our friends accountable for their own actions, and certainly don't keep our mouths shut, when we should.

 

[violakat]

I just realized my post might could be seen as directed at someone after noticing a post on here, but it's not. I've just seen way too many friends torn down by in-laws and jealous friends. My own cousin's marriage has survived, but not without a lot of love and prayer between her and her husband. If he were not the man he is, they probably would have been divorced within a year of marriage, simply because his mother and sister have always tried to put her down, and in most recent years have tried to turn him against her and force him to divorce her.

 

[mori]

There's a big hint right there. I've spent most of my adult years as a non-christian and have picked up on a lot of the things that make a relationship work and what does not and none of it has anything to do with "putting God first". Instead it has everything to do with getting along (communication, compromise, self-sacrifice, tolerance, making the other person feel loved, etc...).

I have to agree with this. "Putting God first" can be and often is code for using religious concerns to avoid dealing with what's in front of you; in other traditions, it's called spiritual bypassing. It's a plague in Buddhist circles, where people will meditate for hours each day and can reach states of bliss on their cushions, but can't handle discussions about who will wash the dishes.

Part of genuinely putting God first may be to address in a mundane manner the mundane issues he's put in front of you. It's the old joke about the guy stranded on the roof during a flood. It's another version of "trust in God but keep your powder dry." From another tradition, "after the ecstasy, the laundry."

We've been together ten years, married for two. We've had severe ups and downs. All the while, however, I've watched the marriages of my more devoted Christian friends dissolve. I've watched multiple children be born out of wedlock. It's hard to feel the guilt I'm apparently due.

 

[GreenNnice]

There's a big hint right there. I've spent most of my adult years as a non-christian and have picked up on a lot of the things that make a relationship work and what does not and none of it has anything to do with "putting God first". Instead it has everything to do with getting along (communication, compromise, self-sacrifice, tolerance, making the other person feel loved, etc...).

I have to agree with this. "Putting God first" can be and often is code for using religious concerns to avoid dealing with what's in front of you; in other traditions, it's called spiritual bypassing. It's a plague in Buddhist circles, where people will meditate for hours each day and can reach states of bliss on their cushions, but can't handle discussions about who will wash the dishes.

Part of genuinely putting God first may be to address in a mundane manner the mundane issues he's put in front of you. It's the old joke about the guy stranded on the roof during a flood. It's another version of "trust in God but keep your powder dry." From another tradition, "after the ecstasy, the laundry."

We've been together ten years, married for two. We've had severe ups and downs. All the while, however, I've watched the marriages of my more devoted Christian friends dissolve. I've watched multiple children be born out of wedlock. It's hard to feel the guilt I'm apparently due.

-----
Anything less than a married couple putting God 1st is bound to fail.
All those things mentioned, zere--communication, compromise, self-sacrifice, tolerance, appreciating other people, from a believer's perspective, etc.-- must be done in Love. And, yes, if a marriage is not grounded in Christ values (valueing the same things Jesus did on Earth, kindness, peace, understanding, listening, teaching, showing, loving), then it won't work out. Because, undoubtably , while maybe one is thinking putting God 2nd is OK, and, just going through life with Godly values understood , but the other does not and by virtue of physics , that centrifugal force will pull the marriage apart.

So, telling, katie that 'God first' is really not something that should be valued #1 it is going to deteriorate what God says is the most important thing of all to do in our lives, single, or, married. And, yes, as much as one partner should deeply, appreciatively and love theirr significant other they should love God infinitely more.

That might not make a whole lot of sense, perhaps, but, and , liamsON began to touch on this , but WHAT we appreciate appreciates more (value) and what we depreciate depreciates more (devalue)

Marriage partners NEED to value their marriage like they VALUE the One who promises them eternal life. That 'One' would be God, if course. The marrieds NEED to value the bond of marriage , notice I am not saying a religious word like 'sanctity,' they need to think about WHAT extreme links (death?) they will go to IF, for instance, a mom was with her two kids in the kitchen when a man is suddenly in the kitchen with her, wielding a knife. I bet you the mom will fight to the death for her kids. In fact, I saw a 48 Hours murder mystery on CBS last Saturday, and, yes, the mom fought to the death in a knife with intruder and her kids in a room away.

Value, value, value, marriage must be EXTREMELY valued, and, in a God-first context

Anyway, iraasUP , milady, that is what the Lord put on my heart to say. The Lord leads. I am praying for you, that God does whatever is needed to biblically get you through, with right people and right Words. Put God first in everything you do. Let your heart be seen by your husband as following Him in a way that maybe he has never seen before. Be immersed in His Word , pray, pray, pray, incessantly, and, ceaselessly , in this time. God will be with you, helping you through it all, as you surrender this situation completely to Him.

 

[GreenNnice]

-----
Anything less than a married couple putting God 1st is bound to fail.
All those things mentioned, zere--communication, compromise, self-sacrifice, tolerance, appreciating other people, from a believer's perspective, etc.-- must be done in Love. And, yes, if a marriage is not grounded in Christ values (valueing the same things Jesus did on Earth, kindness, peace, understanding, listening, teaching, showing, loving), then it won't work out. Because, undoubtably , while maybe one is thinking putting God 2nd is OK, and, just going through life with Godly values understood , but the other does not and by virtue of physics , that centrifugal force will pull the marriage apart.

So, telling, katie that 'God first' is really not something that should be valued #1 it is going to deteriorate what God says is the most important thing of all to do in our lives, single, or, married. And, yes, as much as one partner should deeply, appreciatively and love theirr significant other they should love God infinitely more.

That might not make a whole lot of sense, perhaps, but, and , liamsON began to touch on this , but WHAT we appreciate appreciates more (value) and what we depreciate depreciates more (devalue)

Marriage partners NEED to value their marriage like they VALUE the One who promises them eternal life. That 'One' would be God, if course. The marrieds NEED to value the bond of marriage , notice I am not saying a religious word like 'sanctity,' they need to think about WHAT extreme links (death?) they will go to IF, for instance, a mom was with her two kids in the kitchen when a man is suddenly in the kitchen with her, wielding a knife. I bet you the mom will fight to the death for her kids. In fact, I saw a 48 Hours murder mystery on CBS last Saturday, and, yes, the mom fought to the death in a knife with intruder and her kids in a room away.

Value, value, value, marriage must be EXTREMELY valued, and, in a God-first context

Anyway, iraasUP , milady, that is what the Lord put on my heart to say. The Lord leads. I am praying for you, that God does whatever is needed to biblically get you through, with right people and right Words. Put God first in everything you do. Let your heart be seen by your husband as following Him in a way that maybe he has never seen before. Be immersed in His Word , pray, pray, pray, incessantly, and, ceaselessly , in this time. God will be with you, helping you through it all, as you surrender this situation completely to Him.

----
I have one majority correction to what I said to you, Katie, and, it is not in words, it is in emoticon, so to speak.

My first smiley was done erroredly, it should be a .

God bless you, katie, with your life, stay to Him, honor Him, submit to Him, never seperate (let go) of yourself from God

 

[iraasuup]

Thanks guys, some very thought-provoking responses there.

Melody: I don't think I've been necessarily 'blaming' myself. I fully acknowledge that in any partnership, it takes BOTH parties to make things work, so I believe of course, there are things I should have done differently, and I take my share of the blame.

However, it has taken me a very long time to come to the full realisation of just how ignorant I was of my husbands attitude and behaviour. I spent a lot of time defending him, rather than seeing the 'real him' that everyone else could see.

As much as this hurts right now, my biggest struggle is coming to terms with the fact this has really happened. When I made my vows, I took them seriously- I made them for life. I never in a million years expected things to turn out as they did, I didn't sign up for this.

Now, that I'm removed from the situation, I can see what everyone else has been telling me about him, and how I've put up with a lot of stuff, and tried to make it work. I'm not placing full blame on him, and nothing I can say will make what's happened right, or justifable... but the reality is there were some HUGE issues, which I'm only now coming fully to terms with. Whilst in the marriage, I guess I didn't really want to believe they were a problem.

As far as prayers, please just pray for clarity. I have no idea how to pick up the pieces and move on from here. It's something you can really only do 'one day at a time'. I need guidance and wisdom to make the right choices. I need to hear God's voice and I need a clear headspace to be able to make wise choices. I need healing. He has no regrets, he claims he's a lot happier now, and that he never really loved me, and we should never have been married. It's not easy to hear those things, and they cut right to the core. It does make a lot of sense now though, it explains his behaviour, and why I never felt him to be a 'Godly' man/leader in our marriage, but that's another story.

That's all for now I think