W
wanting2believe
Guest
Can someone understand?
What if I did try? With all my heart. Well its not about trying its about doing. What if I did feverishly.
Put everything on God to lose everything.
I did, but what if I never felt happy? Every time I go to church.. I dont feel happy, every time I was at church I felt suffocated. Every time I would give my all, when I praised, I wasnt happy. Every time I prayed, I felt nothing and felt annoyed. Even when I would brake down because life was unfair and I would crawl to the Lord and prayed, I felt a bitter taste in my mouth. I just didnt feel happy. Every time I helped out the church I was not happy... ok never mind, I did feel a little relief only because I could understand what I was doing, and that was sometimes feeding the pour, and doing things for the needy and my heart goes to them because I understand to need. I was not happy because of the church.
When I was part of the youth group I wasnt happy either, I met wonderful people tho. Who tho didnt understand would pray for me, and for God to listen to my words. Yet there were plenty who isolated me, because I was not good enough, because they would see me more of the world. Yet I was never happy.
The only time I was happy was when I would read the bible, because it would make my morals stronger. Yet with time I also did not enjoy it either. My mind began to finally doubt if any of it had meaning? I never met or felt God. I want more, I need more yet no pastor, nor church would fill me up. Even the wisest of the followers would fall short.
So people tell me to seek God, and Im sorry if I get hard headed or if I were to snap, but I have and not once have I ever felt anything. With time I felt disappointment and I wouldn't enjoy doing anything for the Lord. So people tell me seek him even more.. and Im sorry I have to snap now after that? Why? because I understand even if I try my hardest I fall short, yet you are human and if you doubt my persistence and passion you must not understand when I say.. I did.. So can anybody understand?
Now if I try can anybody tell me what to do next? Maybe Im just not for God. All I want people to know that I have. Yet people think Im just here to make arguments and drama. NO! Im here because I want to have what you have, so if I have that blessing I dont have to consist of some other person. Because I do. I think the second best thing in life, is the love of a mutual partner. Yet I never seem to find it, why because God doesnt bless me with it? I then think that maybe its because He may think Im not putting him first, but to me the best thing in life would be, the true and only real love of God. I want to say, ok life is hard but God fills in the gaps.. but I cant because I dont feel joy.. maybe its just me and I should just give up..
What if I did try? With all my heart. Well its not about trying its about doing. What if I did feverishly.
Put everything on God to lose everything.
I did, but what if I never felt happy? Every time I go to church.. I dont feel happy, every time I was at church I felt suffocated. Every time I would give my all, when I praised, I wasnt happy. Every time I prayed, I felt nothing and felt annoyed. Even when I would brake down because life was unfair and I would crawl to the Lord and prayed, I felt a bitter taste in my mouth. I just didnt feel happy. Every time I helped out the church I was not happy... ok never mind, I did feel a little relief only because I could understand what I was doing, and that was sometimes feeding the pour, and doing things for the needy and my heart goes to them because I understand to need. I was not happy because of the church.
When I was part of the youth group I wasnt happy either, I met wonderful people tho. Who tho didnt understand would pray for me, and for God to listen to my words. Yet there were plenty who isolated me, because I was not good enough, because they would see me more of the world. Yet I was never happy.
The only time I was happy was when I would read the bible, because it would make my morals stronger. Yet with time I also did not enjoy it either. My mind began to finally doubt if any of it had meaning? I never met or felt God. I want more, I need more yet no pastor, nor church would fill me up. Even the wisest of the followers would fall short.
So people tell me to seek God, and Im sorry if I get hard headed or if I were to snap, but I have and not once have I ever felt anything. With time I felt disappointment and I wouldn't enjoy doing anything for the Lord. So people tell me seek him even more.. and Im sorry I have to snap now after that? Why? because I understand even if I try my hardest I fall short, yet you are human and if you doubt my persistence and passion you must not understand when I say.. I did.. So can anybody understand?
Now if I try can anybody tell me what to do next? Maybe Im just not for God. All I want people to know that I have. Yet people think Im just here to make arguments and drama. NO! Im here because I want to have what you have, so if I have that blessing I dont have to consist of some other person. Because I do. I think the second best thing in life, is the love of a mutual partner. Yet I never seem to find it, why because God doesnt bless me with it? I then think that maybe its because He may think Im not putting him first, but to me the best thing in life would be, the true and only real love of God. I want to say, ok life is hard but God fills in the gaps.. but I cant because I dont feel joy.. maybe its just me and I should just give up..