Many seem to be able to look for God's calling on their lives in many aspects except their love stories. It's not about what one likes or doesn't, how complicated it is or isn't, it's about how involved you believe God is in your life, and the right he has to it. If you believe that marriage amongst other things is a calling or not. If you believe God is a God of purpose and order, (as many examples of callings on biblical characters show) or not.
Our Love stories are as individual as we all are. But as all other aspects of our lives they aren't our own, they are God's. Those that hold on to tightly to them, as in anything in our lives, tend to get in God's way. As in anything that we focus on or hold to tightly to, they become idols. Elisabeth Elliot is correct in zan's opinion when she says that unless one is content with God's calling of singleness on one's life, they aren't ready for God's calling of marriage.
One of the things that zan looks for when it comes to maturity is balance and patience. It's a red flag when you see someone constantly focused on any one aspect of their lives and are constantly in a hurry to gain it. I see many, many, single people focused on what they don't have rather than what God has called them to atm. The balance as with any God given desire is giving it to God in faith and being patient to know however it is he chooses to move he is trustworthy and faithful. He is bigger than our shortcomings and able to bring about his will regardless if we have it all right or not. It's our heart he wants, and for him to be what's important FIRST.
Zan has wondered, and it bothers zan, when he see's so many wonderful people single. They have such a God honoring desire to be married. Zan has wondered and pondered why that is? Is it Gender confusion? Is it the lack of mum and dad showing an example because they divorced? Is it deep heartache? Insecurity? Is it that they want what they can take from relationships rather than what they can give? Is it sexual involvement before marriage? baggage? Religious difference? lack of maturity? or a combination ?
When talking to those people almost every time it seems, they talk about their discontentment with their singleness, and their frustration with God and his seemly lack of movement. Almost never do you hear them talk about where God has called them to atm, and what they feel they are called to as a single. They talk about all that they don't have because they are single, without even mentioning what they do have because they are single. Never has zan ever heard anyone thank God for where he has them as a single. It seems to Zan that their singleness is more important to them than accepting God's calling and searching and acting in obedience to it. Zan wonders if you can't trust God with your singleness can you trust him with your marriage? If God would show you whom he wants you to marry, and then as with Abraham and Isaac, asked you to choose between him and that person, who would you choose?
Zan believes he was placed in that circumstance. For ten years he saw miracles that can't be explained away. Heard God's voice very clearly. Saw him move in situation after situation. Making a way out of no way multiple times. Having other Godly people see conformation of what God was saying. Sought Godly counsel in God's word, church leadership, mentors and family if there was anything that they saw zan was trusting God with and where he was leading that was contrary to God's word or unbiblical?
Usually when God calls you to something it's bigger than you so you can see it's him. The prayers that started it all were first, i started praying Father, please give me the heart of David, the wisdom of Solomon, and the faith of Abraham. That lead to the second, i gave my singleness over to God and told him i was ok with being single and if it was his desire for the boys to have a step mother he would have to bring her along i wasn't looking, i trusted him. I explained in detail the type of woman i felt she would be and the heart she would have. What he had placed on my heart to desire in a
woman. And what felt he placed on my heart, the passion for ministry we would share.
This all started in 2001. She was in ministry already well known. It made no sense at all what i felt God was calling me to. Was a huge struggle.
Many made fun of me. I was very worried what the kids would think. They saw miracles too eventually and believed themselves God was leading. I could tell you story after story that would make your jaw drop. Zan is about as conservative as you can get in his theology. As the years went by God used very strongly over and over EVERY time the stories of Abraham and Sarah getting ahead of God's timing and trying to help God keep his promise with
Hagar and Ishmael when i wanted to move and pursue. And when i wanted to quit because it was to difficult the story of Jonah trying to run from God's will.
As the years went by and i saw her impatience growing, her confusion when my daughter and i would go see her, knowing i drove many hours to see her, why i wasn't pursuing . She knew i wanted to. I pleaded with God. Wrote letters i planned on giving her explaining. Time and time again planned to talk to her when i saw her. But time and time again i felt very strongly him saying "zan i don't need your help" Can you truly Love her if you don't love me first? Who do you choose me or her?
See the whole point to this story is..... It was never about her, it's always been about HIM. As i have told this story in the past and people have ridiculed me for it, saying i was just infatuated blah blah blah, what they didn't understand was, yes i Loved her because i knew she was God's choice, but it wasn't about her it was always about HIM. I pleaded with him after Ten years of waiting on him for her, to allow me to pursue. I knew she wasn't gunna wait much longer. She didn't, she's married now. I can't tell you how much i miss her but you know, I don't miss her half as much as i miss God's involvement and leading in all of it.
My heart aches because i feel i lost God. That i did or didn't do something right. Either she didn't wait, i heard wrong, or i did something to loose that calling. Or it could be God answered my prayer when i prayed he would bring someone closer to God, better looking, more talented, , more her age, and more what she was looking for. It also aches because i fear i effected my children's faith in a negative way and lost respect when it comes to my faith.
Some might say that it was a waste of ten years. I myself don't understand. Perhaps i never will. One thing i can say is i know i can Love someone very much because in order to Love her i had to Love God first and do as he says first. I was willing to wait when i didn't want to. I was willing to give her to him and trust him. When he asked Me or her I chose him. Not perfectly, zan has sin in his life, perhaps i didn't mature to the place i needed to be to take on that responsibility. Point is i may have failed in a lot of ways, but i found out that when it comes to my Love story, It starts with HIM in order for me to Love HER. No matter how badly i wanted to take i trusted Him more. It's not about a mate, it's about Loving God and he'll add all these things.
Which leads me back to my prayer that started it all. Father please give me the heart of David, the wisdom of Solomon, and the Faith of Abraham. Perhaps i am getting what i prayed for. Love HIM before you think of him or her.
I may look foolish, but God knows my heart. Perhaps i didn't get my Rachel after waiting. But i was willing to wait and trust.
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