Marry a foreigner?

[cctmedic]

I have a aquaintance that married a lady from another country. he went to that country for the sole purpose of finding a wife. He did. He married a very nice lady that treats hime very well, and he treats her well. They have been married for several years now and both are very happy. They met and married and are very much in love. He says she is a wonderful wife and she says she is very happy as well.

I know another man that met a lady while on a mission trip. After he came home, she came to the U.S. and they were married. Both love each and are very happy as well.

I asked these men why didn't they marry someone from the U.S.The answer I got from both was very much the same answer. They both told me that women from foreign countries apperciate men more and don't ssem to have the preconceptions that cloud thier ideals. They are not femenistic and want to be married and take care of thier husbands. Neither of these men know each other. Both of these men very much love thier wives with all thier hearts and Love the Lord very much.

I don't know how I feel about this. I have experienced the thought processes that these men described in American women. They both admit and clearly state that not all American women are this way but believe they are few and far between that are not, especially over 25 years old.

I am a traditionalist.

I believe in falling in love and gettign married, as I have done. My first wife and the mother of my kids has passed away.

Am I better off here or looking in another land.

I know this will contraversial but please don't hate. I am curious.

Tell me what you think. I am interested to know how others feel.

 

[Indubitably]

Well medic, it may be controversial with women, but I have considerd this very possibility. I can no longer find a woman here who is not at least half caught up in the US culture and it's teachings for women. My father immigrated from Greece and most of his family married American women. That was years ago. Now the reverse is true. They don't come here. The women no longer meet their lifetime marriage ideals.

I'm exploring a possible relationship out of this country. Not only do many foreign women appreciate men more, they also hold to values in marriage that closely align with Biblical principles. I know there are many women in the US who would make excellent Christian wives and will claim many Biblical principles, even those unpopular in the US. The problem is they don't stand for those things in the presence of their girlfriends.

Proverbs 31 was not put in the Bible for America to mock and sneer at. And for you ladies, neither was Ephesians 5:25.

 

[Jordache]

I've seen many men marry foreign women, and observed that foreign women do treat men well. I have also seen them treat men a bit like idols. Don't get me wrong. This is not a blanket statement. But many men want this sort of worship.
I also have a female friend who married a man from Honduras. It's been beautiful.
While it may be difficult to find a woman in the US who are traditionalists, they do exist.

 

[cctmedic]

thank you for your candor.

 

[cctmedic]

Thank you Jordache.

I felt wierd even writting this post but I am curious. I know there are great Godly women here. I certainly wnat no part of being worshipped or idolized.

That Said I am looking for a woman that "wants a husband". A man want to feel needed and wanted, and as a man I want to care for and love a woman that wants that. Not and unhealthy co-dependency though.

 

[Indubitably]

Jordache, so far, I always "like" your posts. This one's no difference. I agree there are women here who would make terrific Christian wives. Another impacting issue though, is that there are many great Christian women have been mistreated by husbands and boyfriends who failed to love them as Christ loved the Church. The hurt changed them and those of us who want that can't find it because so many women doubt that it even exists. They become guarded and over protective and closed off to such a degree they can no longer just open up and let the love flow. Stay sweet through the love of Jesus in you, Jordache, and please don't let this happen to you. God bless you all!

 

[seoulsearch]

I hope I don't sound like the dark cloud, but I do want to point out some things you may encounter on your journey. My family and friends are very multi-racial and cultural, so I've seen and heard many incidences of men marrying foreign women. I know of 2 that turned out well. I know of many more that did not. Here are some of the problems they encountered:

1. Be aware that in another culture, and most especially in a poorer country, you may be seen as a meal ticket. If you believe in providing, that's great... because you may find yourself providing for her entire family. I know of one man who married a much-younger woman in another country and was required to live with her family and provide for them--while sleeping on the couch, and according to him, they were never allowed to have sex, ever. He divorced her after 6 months and said he was saving money to go back to that country and try again. Keep in mind, some poorer countries are also dangerous. For some countries, $1000 American dollars may as well be $100,000 and your safety may be in jeopardy because of that. I have a friend who just returned from Honduras, and one of the people she ministered to was the orphaned child of a man who was shot over 25 American dollars. He was seen as "rich"... and it cost him his life.

2. To carry on a relationship overseas, you may need a lot of money even if she's not using you for anything. My friend's father-in-law just brought his girlfriend here from an Asian country and it took him 5 years. He's had to pay for all her costs, as well as the expense of making several trips there to keep their relationship alive. He is also supporting her and her children. Depending on the country, you may be allowed to spend only so much time there and it may be a huge ordeal to bring your new spouse here, whether or not you marry there. Know in advance that you may be in for a long (and expensive) haul. In the two happy cases I know of, it took each of them about two years for them to finally be together. My parents are attending a church where a young man is still waiting for his wife to be able to come here (they married in her country) and it's been about 2 years, with no word on when it might be that she can come here. He was not allowed to stay and had to come back here, even though they were married.

3. Keep in mind the cultural differences. Both my brothers married women not of their race--and their families told them to dump each of them immediately because of it. One's family disowned her permanently. I have also known women who had American husbands bring them here... and they were immensely miserable, missing their families, friends, language, food... lives... thoughts of suicide... but stayed with the men who brought them here out of duty and obligation. Will you have the means to allow your wife to see her family and friends on a regular basis? If not, her mental and emotional health will suffer greatly.

I wish you the very best. But I think you also have to weigh the realities as well, and many men who make the points you have seem to gloss over the realities of what it takes to make such a relationship work. I think so many men get so excited about the thought of a woman loving and adoring them, they forget that she will need an ongoing relationship with her family, especially if children are involved, and, as much as we hate to admit it, that takes a lot of provision.

If God has someone for you in another country, God bless you!! Just know though that the road may be long and winding.

 

[seoulsearch]

P.S. In the two cases I know that have had happy endings, one of the ways they make the marriage work is through regular visits with the wife's family--often because of work issues, the wife will take the kids and go to see her family for several months while he stays here and works. Or, they pay for her parents to come here and stay for a few months. This was especially true when children were involved, because both cultures place high value on the wife's mother being there to help care for and raise the children.

I would advise anyone considering a multi-cultural marriage to make sure you will be able to visit both families on a regular basis or there is bound to be resentment and distance in the relationship. If you are unable to do this, then it is probably not your best option. (I'm no expert--but I've seen it happen a few times and know that in-person visits with the wife's family is something that seems to make a key difference in the marriages that have worked vs. the ones that haven't.)

 

[cctmedic]

Thank you Seoulsearch.
I am not interested in doing this, though it has a certain appeal.

Trully, when my journey of being single comes to an end I will not be closed minded. I want God to move and not me myself. But I know God can move any place any time.

What brought all this about was studying the mixed cultural relationships in the Bible and how seemingly popular that was in some men.

 

[Catlynn]

I'm hearing more and more about American men being much more attracted to the overall character and personality of foreign women, than those in the U.S. Usually, it's not so much because of a particular woman in a particular country, but simply because they really dislike the average American woman. :/ Interesting...
I don't see anything wrong with marrying someone in/from another country at all but going to another country for the express purpose of finding a wife is a bit of a strange concept to me. I guess it could work though. lol

 

[BrittanyJones]

There are many different cultures out there, which cultures are you talking about? This guy I knew, once told me about all the woman who went after him when he went on his last missions trip (I do not remember the country). He told me this when I made it clear I was not interested in him. Of course, walking around boasting about this made me like him even less.

 

[Jullianna]

There are Christian women in the US who are just as dedicated to the ways of God and strong family values as women anywhere else. Women who ARE willing to express these things to their friends/family/these forums, even though they have often been slapped pretty hard for doing so. It takes a courageous woman to take a stand for God regarding such things in a society like ours. The screams, whines and complaints of the I-am-woman-hear-me-roar types drown them out. Are you listening closely for them?

I suppose we all want what we want, but, to be honest, it almost sounds like we're shopping for a car here. Foreign models vs domestic models. It sounds.....cold.

I suppose I'm just not a fan of generalizations. It would be like me saying that I want to marry a European guy because they are more romantic than guys in the US and would be more likely to cherish me as he should. I know that isn't true, so it doesn't compute in my brain.

 

[Grace52]

I agree with julianna, there are many american women who are family orientated. (I'm one) To stay home, take care of my husbands needs, keep house, grow a garden, these are y things i only have been able to dream about.

I have a hard time believing that there are american men out there who are true christians, men who would put God first, spouce second and then them selves.

 

[Hellooo]

I'm all about honoring ones husband, husband and wife honoring each other, etc etc. Why wouldn't you want to look out for the person you love?...I just can't wrap my mind around not working and not having anything to do outside the home...what do you fill your days with when there's nothing left to clean or cook? Am I the only lady who feels this way? I'm not used to not working towards anything, not learning, not helping people with my knowledge. If traditionalist means literally staying at home, then that's just not me.

I don't think, for the most part, that women are simply unwilling to lean on their partners and unwilling to make them feel needed. If that's really the case, id love to hear those experiences, I could just be incredibly naive when it comes to what the norm is in marriage.

My parents both worked when I was growing up, and if my mom wasn't taking care of us, my daddy was...they both cooked, they both did housework, they both did the parenting, and they still only have eyes for each other even today. Maybe I'm confused on what a traditional marriage looks like, but the untraditional one I grew up with seems to be just as Godly.

Comparing foreign to domestic women in this sense does seem rather cold, I agree with julianna, but if you find what you're looking for somewhere else, more power to you and God bless.

 

[cctmedic]

Thank you for your opinion. Not meaning to be cold just getting feedback. hence the reason for the post.

 

[seoulsearch]

I have a friend whom I've known for 25 years and is in his mid-40's--good Christian guy. However, he always wound up dating women who would dump him for their emotionally/physically/verbally abusive ex- boyfriends, and eventually he was so fed up that he started online dating with the purpose of finding someone in another country.

He had one pretty bad experience (the woman was pretending to be who she claimed to be and didn't even speak English--she was having someone else communicate for her because she was hoping to snag an American for financial gain) but eventually did find a wonderful girl from another country. As I wrote, it took them about 2 years before they could be together. And it hasn't been without its share of trials. She is also extremely talented (has 2 advanced degrees) and has found out that the "traditional role" of a housewife is not challenging enough for her. She's looking forward to getting back into the professional and academic world once their children are a little older.

I have had older men hit on me my entire life because of the "foreign woman" stereotype, especially Asian, since they are seen to be "submissive and traditional." Jordache made an excellent point--I know not all men are like this, but in my experience, most of these men claim to be looking for a traditional, Godly marriage... but are they really?

This is just me and my own experience, but in most cases, what they're really looking for, at heart, is a younger trophy wife who will have babies for them and worship the ground they walk on. They are looking for someone to make them feel young and desirable. I have received countless emails from older men on Christian dating sites expressing these same points over and over again. I often wonder how much God truly enters the equation as they tell me I should be "open minded" and "have a more Christian attitude" towards marrying someone 20-50 years older. Now, it COULD be God's will... but in these cases, I highly doubt it. They tell me about everything THEY want... they never seem to worry or ask about MY dreams, hopes, and God-given desires.

I would ask any man who is considering this avenue to please do an honest self-evaluation before embarking on "finding a foreign woman." A good test of heart is what I wrote about before--are you willing to provide for her to visit her family a few months every year? If you are looking for a woman because of "traditional family values," please, do not expect to bring a woman here and cut her off from her family.

Now, I know not ALL men are like this, but if you are someone who is looking for a much-younger woman (it could be just me, but I don't hear about older American men going to other countries to marry women their own age), have you thought about how you will provide for her (and her children, or your children together) once the Lord has called you?

I am not meaning to sound harsh but way too many older men have tried to talk to me and you can see the stars in their eyes. They talk about God and traditional values but another true test to me is, if someone is looking for someone much younger--has he thought about, and does he have a way to look out for her after he passes on? Or does he see Godly provision as only being for the time he is with her--even if she, in most likelihood, will survive him by many decades--and after he is called home, she's on her own (along with the babies he so badly wanted.)

Things like this make me wonder what the true motivations of the heart really are.

 

[violakat]

I wonder if the reason many men are going to other countries for wives is not so much to find a Godly woman, but maybe because they are looking for what they think is a Godly woman. If your use to your mom pampering you and giving you every want and need, of course your going to find it extremely hard to find a wife here. Most women aren't going to want to hand feed their husband every second of the day. However, if you are looking for a wife that will be there for you when you need her, you want to take care of her, cherish each other, and realize that you're both are going to face problems in life, but that if you seek God first, in all things, chances are you will make it, then you have a as about as much of a chance as finding a wife like that here as in other countries. We joke around that women want to find their Disney Prince, but sometimes, I think the men are looking for their Disney Princess. And when the women they are around don't match up to Cinderella, Snow White, or Belle, they give up and think they have to find a wife just like them in another country.

 

[violakat]

Here's another interesting thought. In Proverbs 31, the price of a vitreous woman is far above rubies (which quite frequently is worth far more then a diamond.) Finding something that is valuable and rare is not going to be easy regradless of if your seeking it here on in another country, well

 

[jimmydiggs]

If your use to your mom pampering you and giving you every want and need, of course your going to find it extremely hard to find a wife here. Most women aren't going to want to hand feed their husband every second of the day.

[snip]

And when the women they are around don't match up to Cinderella, Snow White, or Belle, they give up and think they have to find a wife just like them in another country.

 

[Liamson]

I have often thought that I should move to somewhere like Israel, Poland, Greece, Brazil or Russia for the specific purpose of falling in love to someone who has no reservations about True Commitment.

For me its not about romance or being worshiped. Its about Loyalty, Fidelity, and not being controlled. Aside from one or two rare exceptions, every guy I know is utterly and completely controlled by their wife. American culture says that its normal and expected. My brother has the stereotypical family, 3 kids, all in private school getting great grades, a loving wife a cool dog. Everything on the surface seems okay but, its like a self inflicted prison. She has many friends, coffee buddies, a solid church life and her children are plugged into every activity known to man from Scouts to Sports to Karate to Volunteering.

He has no friends. Everything he does has to in some way involve her which means it has to be under her control. Everything in their life centers around the traditions his wife inflicts upon them. All decisions go through her. If she isn't happy, no one is. Everything from every detail of decorating, to children's clothing and toys, to the exact Christmas tree is all microscopically controlled by her. The only thing he does is work, come home and carry out whatever plans she has made.

But to a degree, there is no parity between this marriage and almost every other Christian American marriage I've ever seen. Its like, Keeping up Appearances meets Bree (van de kamp) from Desperate housewives. And if this expectation is not met, the women divorce their men or cheat or worse.

America has a 50% divorce rate. And we have more relationship and self help and counseling than any other country.

I feel like its because people are not marrying for love but, because marriage is a rite of passage. Its the expectation to be married, to have children, to decorate for Christmas, to give the appearance of Normal. Because if you are 30+ not married, you are an abhorrence to traditional expectations. The timeline is off, where is your children, where is your house, your SUV, where is your life? None of these things have anything to do with anything, yet in America, they are everything.

I don't care where I live in the world. Whether its Oregon, Sub-Saharan Africa, Kazakhstan, or Uruguay, I don't want to live that way.