Guys, help us understand this...

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Jullianna

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I've been reading (and agree) with what scripture and godly men expect from wives, yet in many threads I'm reading that men want women to be more aggressive in forming relationships PRIOR to marriage. It's almost as if we are supposed to undergo some sort of personality transplant as vows are spoken. :) Can you guys please help us understand this?

Sometimes it almost seems like the old, "There's the kind of girl men date and the kind they marry" thing...



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I'm not sure I fully understand what you're asking, but I think, if I'm reading right, from a guys perspective when a woman is in a relationship she gets quieter and quieter about her expectations and desire for the relationship and just expects the guy to figure it out on his own. We can't read minds, in a relationship women should be more willing to share what it is they want and expect from their partner.
 
Hmmm...how do I 'splain it...

By "being more aggressive" prior to marriage I mean that it's almost as if guys want you to chase them or something. I don't know how we reconcile this with the way we are expected to behave as godly wives after marriage. It's a very mixed message.
 
Oh, that's just guys being too lazy and wimpy to chase the girl.

On the other hand certain girls play hard to get just for kicks and giggles, which is irritating. Either way I think when I finally find that girl I'm head over heals for, I'm going to make darn well sure she doesn't get away.


please emphasize the first part of my answer as my response :D
 
I don't want the girl to chase me but I do want to know that she has some kind of interest in me before I pursue. Rejection is going to happen but I would want to minimise those chances as best as I could.
 
I would love it... for a guy to say on this forum... "It is fear."

I haven't seen any man actually SAY that on the forum... but they have alluded such. Outside of CC I do know a few men who do admit... they are not agressive pursuers because of fear. So now I wonder if this can start a dialogue about that... I mean women surely have fears... and psst... some women notice men's. :)
 
I tend to agree with all of you. I can understand a guy expecting some encouragement if he approaches a lady, but to expect her to chase after him seems very strange to me..
 
Fear is the root of a lot of things. I have no doubt that has to do with a lot of it, but I also know, for some reason, guys are extremely lazy and want everything to be like a video game or a movie where the women is a skank and has her way with the guy after he says "hi"
 
zaoman32 said:
Fear is the root of a lot of things. I have no doubt that has to do with a lot of it, but I also know, for some reason, guys are extremely lazy and want everything to be like a video game or a movie where the women is a skank and has her way with the guy after he says "hi"
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Yup <- my two cents.
 
Jullianna said:
Hmmm...how do I 'splain it...

By "being more aggressive" prior to marriage I mean that it's almost as if guys want you to chase them or something. I don't know how we reconcile this with the way we are expected to behave as godly wives after marriage. It's a very mixed message.
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Hmm..it's kinda like when women say they want a man who is decisive, has some spine, and takes a stand, yet once married they put him on the couch if he takes a "stand" and won't bend to her will...

Yeah it's kinda like that....

Yup totally confusing.
Totally makes no sense either way.
 
Yes, fear and rejection play a big part. I'm not afraid to admit that much. But I still need some indicator of interest before I'll pursue.
 
Tintin said:
Yes, fear and rejection play a big part. I'm not afraid to admit that much. But I still need some indicator of interest before I'll pursue.
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Agreed, if a girl starts playing hard to get right from the get go, I'm not going to waste my time. Of course I'm speaking hypothetically, when I find my girl she's going to be so amazing I won't be able to stop myself.
 
I think this is why ladies my age are still single. Some guys don't step up, they rather sit at home and play video games waiting for life to come to them, or browse online dating sites for women. It's all too easy. Where's the courage?! The drive? If he finds value in playing video games all day, what kind of husband or father would he be? If he can't step up and be a man before getting married, would things actually change after the wedding?
 
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arwen83 said:
I think this is why ladies my age are still single. Some guys don't step up, they rather sit at home and play video games waiting for life to come to them, or browse online dating sites for women. It's all too easy. Where's the courage?! The drive? If he finds value in playing video games all day, what kind of husband or father would he be? If he can't step up and be a man before getting married, would things actually change after marriage?
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My point exactly
 
I don't understand what people want in general. Call me naive, but all I want to do is strike up an awesome conversation and let nature take its course. We complicate so much of life's basics with rules and expectations beyond what God simply shows is best.
 
1still_waters said:
yet once married they put him on the couch if he takes a "stand" and won't bend to her will...

Seriously... NO CHRISTIAN WOMAN should ever do that... EVER... unless he just confessed to infidelity and then he oughta be smart enough to take the couch by his own volition.
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I will use the illustration of a Tennis Match...
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When I show an interest, Its like a serve. I want to have a return, so that we can get a volley going.

When I show and interest and don't get a return, I'll give the benefit of the doubt and show another. If this continues, then I will stop showing interest.

A volley is like a relationship and when there is no volley, I feel like I'm dragging a relationship by the hair.


Example, a nurse friend of mine works at a Hospital. I bring her coffee and hang out with her during her midnight meal shift. I ask her out, the next time I'm in when I bring her dinner during her meal time. She says she's busy, so I work with it. I bring more coffee, treats, etc. Everyone on her floor thinks I'm awesome. We go out to breakfast once because I caught her right at the most opportune time. We laugh have fun, but no plans are made. A few more trips go by and still not really getting anywhere. So I stop. A week goes by and she sends me a :-( face text. "Miss you." 3 weeks later, she is all bent out of shape because I didn't keep pursuing her and she talks about how much she liked me and what an awesome couple we would have been, if only I kept trying.

Contrast that with...

I meet a receptionist at a hospital. I think she is charming and stuff, so I bring her a coffee and a breakfasty type thing the next time I'm in. On my way out the door she gives me a hug and slips me her phone number. I call her Friday and on Saturday we go to lunch at Joe's Crab Shack. We sit on the deck and make fun of people as they walk by. Monday comes and she sends flowers to my work(At the time I was at a reception desk at a Naval hospital in Georgia) Tuesday night I get off work and pick her up, we drive for 2 hours to a Waffle House in the middle of nowhere, get milkshakes and come back at like 4am, so that neither of us are late for work. That Saturday, she wakes me up to go running at like 5am, then its off the breakfast and then the beach. We go to the Russian Orthodox service Sunday catch church and then go see a movie. And it snowballed from there, Football games, Huge Road Trips, Family introductions, etc.



I don't want people to change after they get married. I just don't like all the games that some women play before it even gets close to that point. We are in it together, it doesn't have to be difficult.
 
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