Hey Everyone,
Here's something I've wanted to ask other singles for a while. Does being single and by yourself all the time make you forget that you even have a gender? I am definitely NOT talking about homosexuality, but rather, self-identification.
As most of you know, I've been single a long time--about 10 years. As I write about in many of my posts, I've followed all the "good Christian advice" I've ever been given and then some, but for whatever reason, and maybe it's God's will, here I am.
However, I find myself... over time... feeling as if I am androgynous, sexless, and without a gender, or at least, I may have a gender, but it doesn't mean anything to me.
I suppose part of it is good old-fashioned depression. The things I used to love that I felt defined me as feminine, I now have no interest in--sewing, cooking, jewelry, etc. (Besides, a lot of men enjoy these things too, which is great, but they used to help define me to myself as a woman.) Due to health concerns, I can no longer wear makeup, and I put my hair up in the same ponytail everyday. I don't bother with dresses or pretty clothes because 1. I come home covered in dust and dirt from work all day and 2. khakis and a t-shirt are just easier. I tell myself, why bother going through the trouble and expense, even for church? I can't use beauty products like I did when I was younger so I can't dress myself up to match the clothes. I have no children and have never really been a "kid" person so I feel like I've never had "the crowning jewel of femininity", which, according to culture, seems to be motherhood--nor do I desire it anymore.
I've dated some over the years, but you all know the stories. Obviously, nothing worked out. I'm all for openness but there ARE boundaries. My contact with "Christian" guys has been thoroughly disastrous (ALL YOU GOOD CHRISTIAN GUYS OUT THERE, WE APPRECIATE YOU AND HOPE WE GET THE NERVE TO TALK TO YOU SOON!)
I was very excited to meet one in particular, because my missionary friends set me up and this guy was a leader in his worship band, as well as having been a youth missionary as a teen. During our first meeting, he started telling me about how his ex-wife used to bribe him with sex to get him to do certain things, and he looked straight at me and said, "I would LOVE it if you tried to bribe me." I tried my best to be polite and contain the shocked feeling going through my brain. But as you can imagine, as soon as I could, I got up, walked away, and never looked back.
Something else I've run into a lot on Christian dating sites (AND AGAIN, GUYS, I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE LIKE THIS AT ALL--I GUESS IT'S JUST A BAD STREAK OF JERKS I'M GOING THROUGH) are guys who, without any prompting or reason to state this, tell me they left their wives because they didn't get enough sex or it wasn't experimental enough. (All my life, people have told me about their most personal problems--that's why at one time I wanted to be a psychologist.) I can sympathize with their problem, I really can. But to tell a complete stranger this right off the bat, and then start asking/making inappropriate comments to her about whether she'd be a "better" wife than his ex? As I stated in another post, epic, EPIC fail!!!
But it makes me feel numb... cold... and dead inside. I shrink a little bit... and the defeated part of me starts to say, "I guess if I continue towards genderlessness... maybe they won't talk to me like that."
Another telltale sign is that now the people I meet tell me, "OH, YOU JUST HAVE TO MEET... (MY DAUGHTER, SISTER, etc.)" NOT because they think I'm gay, but because they seem to imply I'm an old maid surrounded by women (which is very true) and who will only be around women the rest of her life (again, probably very true at this rate.)
It's getting to a point where I, like everyone else, would love the company of a special opposite gender someone but at the same time, am losing ground as to what makes me feel like I'm even a girl to begin with. I also try to ignore any and all sexual feelings (impossible of course but I do try) because it just gets a person into too much trouble and according to Christian doctrine, single people have to throw away/hide/suppress any and all sorts of feelings in that direction anyway. (But yet when you marry, you're supposed to be able to somehow "pull it all out" like an extra sweater you've long forgotten in the closet.)
So... I ask all my friends out there on CC--As a single person with no opposite-gender partner, WHAT DEFINES YOU AS A MAN OR A WOMAN? What activities, feelings, values, and morals remind you that you are either feminine or masculine? Is it through nurturing other people? Picking up something heavy? Working on cars? Riding at fast speeds? Opening the door for someone? Wearing certain clothes or makeup? Cooking? Baking? Singing? Volunteer work? Gardening? Working with tools?
Am I just going crazy (very, very possible!!!) or has anyone else felt like this? And how do you cope?
Here's something I've wanted to ask other singles for a while. Does being single and by yourself all the time make you forget that you even have a gender? I am definitely NOT talking about homosexuality, but rather, self-identification.
As most of you know, I've been single a long time--about 10 years. As I write about in many of my posts, I've followed all the "good Christian advice" I've ever been given and then some, but for whatever reason, and maybe it's God's will, here I am.
However, I find myself... over time... feeling as if I am androgynous, sexless, and without a gender, or at least, I may have a gender, but it doesn't mean anything to me.
I suppose part of it is good old-fashioned depression. The things I used to love that I felt defined me as feminine, I now have no interest in--sewing, cooking, jewelry, etc. (Besides, a lot of men enjoy these things too, which is great, but they used to help define me to myself as a woman.) Due to health concerns, I can no longer wear makeup, and I put my hair up in the same ponytail everyday. I don't bother with dresses or pretty clothes because 1. I come home covered in dust and dirt from work all day and 2. khakis and a t-shirt are just easier. I tell myself, why bother going through the trouble and expense, even for church? I can't use beauty products like I did when I was younger so I can't dress myself up to match the clothes. I have no children and have never really been a "kid" person so I feel like I've never had "the crowning jewel of femininity", which, according to culture, seems to be motherhood--nor do I desire it anymore.
I've dated some over the years, but you all know the stories. Obviously, nothing worked out. I'm all for openness but there ARE boundaries. My contact with "Christian" guys has been thoroughly disastrous (ALL YOU GOOD CHRISTIAN GUYS OUT THERE, WE APPRECIATE YOU AND HOPE WE GET THE NERVE TO TALK TO YOU SOON!)
I was very excited to meet one in particular, because my missionary friends set me up and this guy was a leader in his worship band, as well as having been a youth missionary as a teen. During our first meeting, he started telling me about how his ex-wife used to bribe him with sex to get him to do certain things, and he looked straight at me and said, "I would LOVE it if you tried to bribe me." I tried my best to be polite and contain the shocked feeling going through my brain. But as you can imagine, as soon as I could, I got up, walked away, and never looked back.
Something else I've run into a lot on Christian dating sites (AND AGAIN, GUYS, I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE LIKE THIS AT ALL--I GUESS IT'S JUST A BAD STREAK OF JERKS I'M GOING THROUGH) are guys who, without any prompting or reason to state this, tell me they left their wives because they didn't get enough sex or it wasn't experimental enough. (All my life, people have told me about their most personal problems--that's why at one time I wanted to be a psychologist.) I can sympathize with their problem, I really can. But to tell a complete stranger this right off the bat, and then start asking/making inappropriate comments to her about whether she'd be a "better" wife than his ex? As I stated in another post, epic, EPIC fail!!!
But it makes me feel numb... cold... and dead inside. I shrink a little bit... and the defeated part of me starts to say, "I guess if I continue towards genderlessness... maybe they won't talk to me like that."
Another telltale sign is that now the people I meet tell me, "OH, YOU JUST HAVE TO MEET... (MY DAUGHTER, SISTER, etc.)" NOT because they think I'm gay, but because they seem to imply I'm an old maid surrounded by women (which is very true) and who will only be around women the rest of her life (again, probably very true at this rate.)
It's getting to a point where I, like everyone else, would love the company of a special opposite gender someone but at the same time, am losing ground as to what makes me feel like I'm even a girl to begin with. I also try to ignore any and all sexual feelings (impossible of course but I do try) because it just gets a person into too much trouble and according to Christian doctrine, single people have to throw away/hide/suppress any and all sorts of feelings in that direction anyway. (But yet when you marry, you're supposed to be able to somehow "pull it all out" like an extra sweater you've long forgotten in the closet.)
So... I ask all my friends out there on CC--As a single person with no opposite-gender partner, WHAT DEFINES YOU AS A MAN OR A WOMAN? What activities, feelings, values, and morals remind you that you are either feminine or masculine? Is it through nurturing other people? Picking up something heavy? Working on cars? Riding at fast speeds? Opening the door for someone? Wearing certain clothes or makeup? Cooking? Baking? Singing? Volunteer work? Gardening? Working with tools?
Am I just going crazy (very, very possible!!!) or has anyone else felt like this? And how do you cope?
