What Happens When You Feel Like You're Losing Your Gender?

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Yeah, I didn't mean to sound harsh, Hal. It's just that... you've posted to us that you're very much on the prowl for a woman... as soon as possible... and this might just be me, but if a man (20 years older, at that) were making very unabashed, very public comments like that about me in a public forum... I'd feel extremely uncomfortable.

Arwen, I apologize if I'm offending you in any way but I feel it's important to uphold each other's dignity and honor here, especially on a site called Christian Chat, and I want to see you respected.

Hal, you might want to also familiarize your ma with a few other points, such as that the fruits of the Holy Spirit include self-control, and that God expects us to be transformed through the renewing of the mind. Blessings to you.
 
you seem like you have a good sense of humor seoulsearch, I want to share a joke with you. A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey slams it and then looks in his left shirt pocket and says gimme another. the bartender gives him another and he does the same thing slams the drink and looks in his left shirt pocket and says gimme another, so finally the bartender says why do you look in your pocket after every drink? the man says I have a Picture of my wife in my pocket and when she looks good I go home. Pretty funny huh. I hope that didn't offend anyone. Just a joke Ha, ha,
 
That's a horrible joke, lol. I'm not offended by it but I just hate the idea of a guy thinking about his wife like that.
 
Yeah...not the most "uplifting" joke I've heard about women. Ugh..I am getting prudish now LOL
 
There is no place in the Bible that makes marriage the sacred union women make it out to be. I'm not saying a good marriage isn't a blessing. But putting so much emphasis on the merits of a so-called good marriage, puts a strain on one's mission to serve God first and foremost. I think many women, especially Christian women, place their idea of marriage on a pedestal and once that idea is found to be the fantasy that it is, their hearts become hardened and depression sets in.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned through my marriage is don't stop having great relationships with those of the opposite sex because you're married. We have a duty to minister to one another, male and female, no matter what our marital status. But many women either allow their husbands to prevent them from having friends of the opposite sex or they choose to sever friendships with those of the opposite sex in what they deem is the proper duty of a wife.

If your perceived duty to your spouse limits your interaction with others, it surpresses your ability to testify and minister to God's glory. That can't be healthy for any relationship. So, some women get married, go into this shell to show how devoted they are to their husbands, lose the light of God's pleasure and the marriage starts unraveling or ends in divorce.

When a relationship fails and you start wanting to be alone in your sorrow, people want to leave you alone. Once you let go of what makes you feel beautiful, and this is not necessarily just the physical, it's harder for others to see the beauty in you. I pray you steer clear of those paths.
 
O.K. I lost my head for a minute there but now Im back. I have a friend named marie and she has a care giver who is very attractive and I played it cool and talked with the both of them for a bit and I left all the time I was searching for a sign of attraction from her end and saw nothing of significance, so I left and while I was on the bus I was talking to God, no I was complaining to God saying " why cant I have that one, what would it hurt?" this lady is my age and single and a follower of Jesus and right in the middle of my complaining that little voice said " MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT " now at that point I haven't heard that little voice in a long time, so I was startled. I smiled and said to myself " yes Lord, yes Lord, I know " I keep forgetting that if I didn't make another dime, if I didn't meet another woman til I died his Grace is sufficient, he saved me from the depths of hell and oh boy thats enough for me Halleluja Amen! ! !
 
My gender has always been tomboy, so I'm not sure I can answer appropriately. :)

I'm pretty picky about my health and appearance because it has such a tremendous effect on my mood and perspective. If I dress sloppy, I feel sloppy. If I dress like a woman, I feel like a woman.

I think when you are a single parent it can become even more of an issue because you are both mom and dad so often.
 
Hal51 said:
you seem like you have a good sense of humor seoulsearch, I want to share a joke with you. A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey slams it and then looks in his left shirt pocket and says gimme another. the bartender gives him another and he does the same thing slams the drink and looks in his left shirt pocket and says gimme another, so finally the bartender says why do you look in your pocket after every drink? the man says I have a Picture of my wife in my pocket and when she looks good I go home. Pretty funny huh. I hope that didn't offend anyone. Just a joke Ha, ha,
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Awww, poor lady. If that joke were the other way around, hubby would have such an ego bruise.

Not a very nice joke but it made me half smile. :p
 
rachelsedge said:
...I would have thrown my drink in his face and walked out. I suppose that's not lady-like or Christ-like, but it's what my flesh would have wanted to do....
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I'm no expert, but this may have been an OK thing to file under Righteous Anger. Would anyone say that it was un-Christlike for him to drive the money changers out of the temple?


rachelsedge said:
...I have always wondered this myself. One of my professors (at a Christian university, mind you) mentioned how some Christian couples, particularly women, have trouble on the first night because they have rejected and suppressed their sexuality for so long and now all of a sudden they're supposed to just flip it on like a light switch. It does make me wonder how the balance looks between recognizing and accepting your sexuality, yet not lusting or sinning with it.
...
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I would think that the real problem would be less the woman trying to unpack and appropriately discover that side of herself and more a problem of the "man" being too impatient to appropriately take that progressive journey with her when he's thinking that all of a sudden life as a married man should be just like what the devil teaches sex should be.

Jullianna said:
...I think when you are a single parent it can become even more of an issue because you are both mom and dad so often.
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I honestly find this to be something of an issue myself.
I'm a Man. I can skin a deer, fix a car, build new stuff from broken stuff. I smoke meats. I hang out on the lake. I kill bad things that make people squirm (poisonous snakes where kids play, spiders in the house, any wild rat that shows up for the neighbor's horse feed, etc). I can twirl even the most double left footed dance partner. I successfully heat my home with wood, and I don't buy it in those little bundles at the corner store either. Cut, seasoned, split and stacked, I know my firewood long before it comes time to burn it. I've worked as a painter, framer, roofer, drywall hanger & finisher, electrician, tile setter, and I do plumbing. I've also been a dairy hand, a DJ, and...
...and I have been a tailor and a caregiver for adults with developmental disabilities. I've been in charge of children's events, planned birthday parties, and even a wedding. I pick tasteful colors and paint my bedroom now that she's gone, replacing "our" cheap furniture laden with memories with *my* antiques that I bargain hunt. I teach my children how to dress nicely, even when it's t-shirts and jeans. I fold the laundry and put it away Before it wrinkles. I cook nutritious and balanced meals that my kids actually eat (on the nights that we can have dinner at home). I get the kids to scouts. When my daughter's girl scout troop was designing and sewing pillows, I worked with three of the girls on their projects simultaneously, even teaching them how to use my sewing machine. Part of my daily activities at work is to sew, though industrial sewing is different from when I made a wedding dress. I never really played sports, and usually can't follow a game. I grocery shop without a list and bring home only sensible choices. I sing. I cry. I plan and plant my flower beds. I both discipline and nurture. I teach my kids about God, how to cook, and well, I teach my children about everything that it is appropriate for them to learn at their age. I've been tapped to lead a Girl scout family camping trip.
To try to keep me things in their normal roles, I have arranged with some of the married women from my Bible class at church to have Girl Time with my daughter periodically so that when she gets older it will be less awkward for her to have woman to woman conversations with a woman instead of with me. (I'm reasonably comfortable with these topics, but it will be better for her to talk to a woman about some things.)
I see that being a single parent adds a new layer to this as Jullianna so aptly pointed out. It accentuates it some.
I've struggled with this, however, most of my life. I've had to locate and secure my own mentors to be able to learn what it means to be a man. I'm somewhat comfortable with the dual role, or at least I've been in some ways used to it all my life. I do not really feel I have ever had a solid identity. Sometimes I still question my role in all things. Mostly I just stay too busy to be able to question anything. I suppose in the end, I'm ok with it, but that doesn't mean that I don't sometimes long for what I feel I lack. Doubts are frequently the devil's best weapon against me.
 
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seoulsearch said:
Well Praise God you haven't lost that!!!

At work today in the women's restroom, one of the seats was up... I couldn't help but wonder if a man had snuck into our bathroom.
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Lol how weird. That would have been a good post for the "that awkward moment when..." thread too. :D
 
Don't worry ladies hal has not called everyone beautiful here on this forum.theres us guys remember. .:D just kidding hal
 
Medically speaking, gender is wrapped up in hormones and chemistry. That's nature. However, pesky nurture comes into play, and it's a strong, pulling force. Your gender is general, but in a way it's micro evolution. If I may analyze for a moment. I would say that your lack of gender is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. You've down played your femininity because it's brought you heartache, icky men, and physical desires that are very hard to control. So if you make yourself androgynous you can protect yourself from future pain.

See, I've spent my life protecting myself from "bad" men. I was taught that if you were pretty then those bad men would kidnap you, molest you, etc. But I was constantly told how pretty I was. My "aunt" Pauline used to call me Snow White. I was told how talented I was, how valuable I was, and I had A LOT of attention from adults. However, I was warned about those bad people, but I wasn't ever taught how to protect myself. I was just told to not be attractive. So what did I do? Well, society says that fat people are ugly and unwanted. So I became fat. Or at least my perception of fat. Like most American women, my weight fluxuated and sometimes yo-yoed out of control. I thought I was safe and ugly and that men would leave me alone. But they didn't! It got to a point I started wearing an engagement ring so I would be left alone. That didn't work either... So I built walls.

My ex said that I have F*%& Off written on my forehead. He didn't understand why until I explained that I couldn't protect myself. When I told him that I was raped at 19, and that it was my first sexual experience, he finally understood why I was the way I was. After the rape I felt completely defeated, like a failure because what I was taught to fear most had happened. I couldn't protect myself, I couldn't make myself unattractive, all I could do was make myself unavailable to people. All I could do was build myself a tower with no door and only a window so I could monitor who was attempting to get my attention.

Even now I sit in my tower, attempting to protect myself, not wearing make up, not losing weight, not taking care of my health, and all because I've allowed nurture to control myself. I've let other people mold me. I've been trying to see myself through other people's eyes instead of viewing myself through the eyes of Christ. I'm terrified of being beautiful. I'm terrified of being in a relationship where the man doesn't abandon and reject me in some way. It sounds crazy, I know, but if nothing changes, nothing changes. To step out into who I could be or should be is scary.

A friend and I were talking about meaningful song lyrics, and over the past day or so these lyrics have been going through my head.

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
fire away, fire away
ricochet, you take your aim
fire away, fire away
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
you shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium

And the more I listen and process and dig into God's Word, the more I am starting to feel bulletproof. The enemy can take their aim, but with Christ I'm bulletproof.

I'm probably rambling and maybe I've overshared, but identifying with a gender is chemical first and self esteem second. It's not about what you can do, it's who you believe you are.
 
Blood in the Water attracts Sharks.


I think some men and women are Predatory.

A predatory man will chase and exploit women he sees as weak or easy targets. To them having no self esteem means having no self respect. They will make you feel like a queen, flatter you and shower you with gift/attention but, its a Matadors cape.

It is a means to an end. Men who try REALLY hard, want something more than to build a relationship with you that will stand the test of time. They want YOU, to use, to possess, to whatever. Like a Napkin, when it has served its purpose it is discarded.

In society women are trained to believe that they should be pursued vigorously and that a man should pour himself out in pursuit as a sign of fealty.


But is this how you have made the best friends you have in your life, by being Schmarmy and making compelling arguments?

I'm pretty sure its not.


The same rules that apply to the world you already know and where you are already accepted, should apply to this. You should not have to put on anything, or be anything else, or do anything but express who you are as an individual.


Another reason I don't like dating, its like two people who meet, show off and unreasonably expect that level of showmanship to go on indefinitely. Its why people have so much debt. They are living lives that are beyond their means to give an impression that they cannot sustain or a life that isn't real. (end tangent)


Predatory women can be as bad. However, its harder to see and more socially acceptable for a woman to enjoy the company and praise of many men without being committed to any of them, yet still leading them on individually to believe that the possibility of something more is not far off. Its something I've noticed in Bible study groups and Singles church events, is the Alpha Female with a Harem of Beta males who are subservient as the day is long.

And much like the wounded female, the more a wounded man does to insulate himself from being seen as the bad guy or continue to appeal to the femininity of women, the farther he gets from himself or the Possibility of being able to have a healthy relationship with a woman.
 
SeatBelt said:
I'm a Man. I can skin a deer, fix a car, build new stuff from broken stuff. I smoke meats. I hang out on the lake. I kill bad things that make people squirm (poisonous snakes where kids play, spiders in the house, any wild rat that shows up for the neighbor's horse feed, etc). I can twirl even the most double left footed dance partner. I successfully heat my home with wood, and I don't buy it in those little bundles at the corner store either. Cut, seasoned, split and stacked, I know my firewood long before it comes time to burn it. I've worked as a painter, framer, roofer, drywall hanger & finisher, electrician, tile setter, and I do plumbing. I've also been a dairy hand, a DJ, and...
...and I have been a tailor and a caregiver for adults with developmental disabilities. I've been in charge of children's events, planned birthday parties, and even a wedding. I pick tasteful colors and paint my bedroom now that she's gone, replacing "our" cheap furniture laden with memories with *my* antiques that I bargain hunt. I teach my children how to dress nicely, even when it's t-shirts and jeans. I fold the laundry and put it away Before it wrinkles. I cook nutritious and balanced meals that my kids actually eat (on the nights that we can have dinner at home). I get the kids to scouts. When my daughter's girl scout troop was designing and sewing pillows, I worked with three of the girls on their projects simultaneously, even teaching them how to use my sewing machine. Part of my daily activities at work is to sew, though industrial sewing is different from when I made a wedding dress. I never really played sports, and usually can't follow a game. I grocery shop without a list and bring home only sensible choices. I sing. I cry. I plan and plant my flower beds. I both discipline and nurture. I teach my kids about God, how to cook, and well, I teach my children about everything that it is appropriate for them to learn at their age. I've been tapped to lead a Girl scout family camping trip.
To try to keep me things in their normal roles, I have arranged with some of the married women from my Bible class at church to have Girl Time with my daughter periodically so that when she gets older it will be less awkward for her to have woman to woman conversations with a woman instead of with me. (I'm reasonably comfortable with these topics, but it will be better for her to talk to a woman about some things.)
Click to expand...


I'm also a man. I do many of the things mentioned above. I generally have not had any issues losing my gender until a few minutes ago. Ladies? If one of y'all don't snag Mr Seatbelt, then I will.
~swoons~
You had me at "I smoke meats".
 
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