Now That I'm Single Again... Your Opinions Please

[iTOREtheSKY]

Ok,here's a random question for you all. I would really like to hear from anyone who's divorced,like myself...but peeps that have never been married,toss in your 2 cents...I am not sure what or if I should do anything concerning the following...
I have no scriptures to go by,just emotions I suppose.
Now that I am divorced I am left with an abundance of memories (mainly wedding pictures & times spent with the ex in photographs) About 8 months ago I threw out everything she'd ever given me..cards,letters,things of that nature.Eevn my wedding ring I recently sold on eBay. Now I still have much of the furniture that we owned together,but for some odd reason this does not evoke any mental sadness or anxiety...only the photographs.
My deal is this...I don't know if I should throw these out or not? Part of me really wants to,because they really don't make me happy when I see them,if anything it kinda makes me angry to look at them & I just end up feeling like the last 10 yrs of my life was a big fat lie. We never had children (save for 2 dogs) so it's not like I'd have to hang on to them for the children. Before we'd gotten married I had gotten rid of any keepsakes from past girlfriends,just out of respect to her...not that she would have ever even asked me to do so.
I have even thought about throwing out our marriage license,that along with the divorce papers & sale of the house stuff from the lawyer,but I keep thinking wait 10 yrs then toss it because it's document type stuff & may be important down the road..I dunno?
So I am rambling here...(I feel like this is turning into a shae post) LOL j/k mamacita
Is it wrong to want to shred my memories of her? Am I a terrible person? You think I will regret it if I do?
Is this normal???? lol This is my 1st & hopefully last divorce.
If you got married to someone,would you be turned off knowing they had pics & wedding stuff from their last marriage???
I know some of you will just tell me I am going to hell because I am divorced,but for those of you that can hold off on the charcoal & lighter fluid for a bit...any advice?

 

[Jullianna]

I would definitely keep the marriage license, divorce decree and any other legal contracts/documents (somewhere you don't have to look at them). You never know what might come up down the road. You may need them.

I'm not divorced. I'm widowed. The pain and memories are not the same I'm sure, so I really don't know what to say about the personal items. Maybe...give yourself a little more time and see how you feel about it six months from now? Feelings can change a lot in that period of time.

God be with you...

 

[dashadow]

If the items bring you anger, I'd suggest letting them go. Sorry for you pain. God Bless!

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

Wow Jullianna,I am so sorry to hear of your loss. (I will def. hold on to the documents)
Thanks dashadow...they bring more sadness I think than anger. The anger I think comes more from myself for letting the sadness get to me & ty.

 

[MissCris]

I got married at 17, divorced at 18...I threw away just about everything from that relationship. I have a couple of pictures stored away somewhere, but not ones of 'us', just ones we took while we were together. I have my ring somewheres, which I kept because that marriage is part of who I am today, and a huge reason why my marriage now is so sacred to me.

Anyway, I'd say maybe store the pictures in a box, and put the box away where you won't see it, until you can look at them without anger and decide what you want to do with them then.

Oh hey, someone already said that...

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

I got married at 17, divorced at 18...I threw away just about everything from that relationship. I have a couple of pictures stored away somewhere, but not ones of 'us', just ones we took while we were together. I have my ring somewheres, which I kept because that marriage is part of who I am today, and a huge reason why my marriage now is so sacred to me.

Anyway, I'd say maybe store the pictures in a box, and put the box away where you won't see it, until you can look at them without anger and decide what you want to do with them then.

Oh hey, someone already said that...

mmm yeah,I suppose it's still early on...lol I think I am just having a drama queen moment. Maybe I need an ice cream sandwich. Seriously though ty for the words. Like I say,I was interested in what/how others handle such things.

 

[zaoman32]

Any pictures I had, were tossed. Any that I find, are usually...tossed. There's a song I like that, shortly after my ex and I separated, evoked some very strong feelings for me, and even though things have calmed down and I have time to chill, I really don't feel much different about her treating the whole thing like a sham. I'm not saying this to be mean, just honest, that unfortunately this is all repeat behavior for people in her family, particularly the women, so it does make me question constantly how genuine things were.

Like Jullianna said, anything "legal" should be kept really. Anything else, it's all at your own discretion. Decide whether or not you'll regret tossing something somewhere down the road, and if you won't, don't sweat it. I have a difficult time throwing things away from my past in general, but finding family pictures taken at a time where I knew things weren't the best, and the smiles were just fake just brings back all the pain for me, so I can't keep them.

 

[Powemm]

I think we never get over such hurts , I think as time passes we just become more familiar with it .. It's like a death .. Very painful in the beginning but as time goes in we cope and adjust to the change.. I went to a divorce seminar that really helped me.. They said for every 4 years married, give yourself a year to adjust .. I found they were right ! I was married for 15 and it took me quite some time .. I kept my marriage license..and still have it .. Im proud of the 15 years i was married .... I dont have a tendency to hold on to things but I did for a while going through the grieving process of it .. As time went in I was able to let go of things more and more .
Personally I don't see anything wrong keeping things that are a part of your life .. It's a chapter in it ..

 

[seoulsearch]

Tore -- I can completely relate to what you are saying. Over time -- not all at once, but over time, I had to get rid of everything. Everything related to my married life was just too painful. I couldn't even stand seeing his handwriting anymore, because all I could think about was receiving papers in the mail that said, "You are being sued for divorce," and seeing my name and address written in his own hand on the envelope and his signature all over the papers inside.

I came home one day from work and he had emptied out the house and left -- he had probably planned it for weeks. People who condemn others for divorce need to walk through the burning pain first before telling us we don't try hard enough. When he left, he took my soul with him, and all these years, I've been trying to allow God to literally grow a new one inside my heart.

I ripped up all the papers long ago. Every photograph and remnant is gone. I even got rid of my entire wardrobe, seeing as I was going through a hard time in school and absolutely everything reminded me of him. The only clothes I could afford at the time were some t-shirts, a couple pairs of pants and some new socks, but everything went in the trash.

When he took his things, he left his wedding ring on the bathroom counter, as if it were a piece of garbage, and me along with it. There was one day I was pacing the house, feeling as if I were going crazy... and I kept saying, "But God, you can change his mind..." But he never did change his mind. People will condemn me for this, but I felt like God was saying, it's over, you can't fight him, you can't change his mind. When a co-worker told me, "You are just going to have to accept that he isn't coming back," I can't describe the utterly ripped open feeling I had inside, and it's persisted for many years.

I didn't sleep--all I did was study the Bible, night and and day, on every break at work. One day I finally took both our rings and threw them out. As soon as they hit the bottom of the trash bin, it felt like something significant broke off me. I felt as if God was saying that ring had become a noose around my neck. At the time, I didn't know my ex was already in love with someone else and committed to her.

The last thing I shed was the house we had lived in together--I was finally able to move out of it last spring.

All these years later (the divorce was in 1999), I still have chunks of glass in my heart that are slowly being picked out, one by one. I certainly can't tell you how to walk the walk God will lead you through but I surely know a bit as to what it's like.

God bless you as He puts your heart and life back together, and I hope it goes quicker and easier than it's been for some of us.

 

[seoulsearch]

I know some people will be offended by this, and I apologize in advance. I do NOT mean to belittle anyone's pain in any way, most especially the brave singles we have here who have lost their spouse. God bless you and my heart goes out to you.

But many times, I wished my ex had left, let's say, for a man, because then I really would have known it wasn't me. Or, I wish that I would have died first, or that, if we had to be separated and I had to survive, that he had passed away.

Because then I wouldn't have to think about the only love of my life rejecting me because for whatever reason I wasn't good enough... and he finally found the one who was, and had the babies we talked about having together with her instead. I still remember when we sent a care package to his sister for her first baby, and he picked up the bear we had bought together for her and said, "Honey, someday we're going to go shopping for a bear like this for our own babies..." Just remembering makes me shake my head with unspeakable sadness.

It kills me that so many Christians seem to think those of us who are divorce are dealing with something simple like a papercut or a nosebleed and that we choose to be in our situation via lack of trying.

I have wished, so many times, that God would have chosen to take me out of this world rather than put me through what I went through in my divorce, especially when I hear the criticism of other Christians. And I'm pretty sure there are a lot of other people who have felt, or still feel, the same way.

 

[Tommy4Christ]

Ok,here's a random question for you all. I would really like to hear from anyone who's divorced,like myself...but peeps that have never been married,toss in your 2 cents...I am not sure what or if I should do anything concerning the following...
I have no scriptures to go by,just emotions I suppose.
Now that I am divorced I am left with an abundance of memories (mainly wedding pictures & times spent with the ex in photographs) About 8 months ago I threw out everything she'd ever given me..cards,letters,things of that nature.Eevn my wedding ring I recently sold on eBay. Now I still have much of the furniture that we owned together,but for some odd reason this does not evoke any mental sadness or anxiety...only the photographs.
My deal is this...I don't know if I should throw these out or not? Part of me really wants to,because they really don't make me happy when I see them,if anything it kinda makes me angry to look at them & I just end up feeling like the last 10 yrs of my life was a big fat lie. We never had children (save for 2 dogs) so it's not like I'd have to hang on to them for the children. Before we'd gotten married I had gotten rid of any keepsakes from past girlfriends,just out of respect to her...not that she would have ever even asked me to do so.
I have even thought about throwing out our marriage license,that along with the divorce papers & sale of the house stuff from the lawyer,but I keep thinking wait 10 yrs then toss it because it's document type stuff & may be important down the road..I dunno?
So I am rambling here...(I feel like this is turning into a shae post) LOL j/k mamacita
Is it wrong to want to shred my memories of her? Am I a terrible person? You think I will regret it if I do?
Is this normal???? lol This is my 1st & hopefully last divorce.
If you got married to someone,would you be turned off knowing they had pics & wedding stuff from their last marriage???
I know some of you will just tell me I am going to hell because I am divorced,but for those of you that can hold off on the charcoal & lighter fluid for a bit...any advice?

Your not going to hell for being divorced, you need to repent of it all, come clean before God seek His mercy, and let the past be gone!

Most who profess Christ marry and divorce more than those in the world, I dont know your circumstance, at all, but, but you have a new chance to get right with God, be a light for Him, dont worry about finding another mate, just be sure as I stress you are in the will of God!

Focus on what really matters to God, you cannot re do your past sins against God and your ex, but you can become the woman God wants you to be, and a strong light to your family and ex, and mayabe God will bring you both together again, now in a marriage after His own heart, where you both are on the same page spiritually, walking the walk worthy of your calling!

What really matters!

Eph 4:18 Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart.
This verse alone truly summarizes the bleak condition of the modern church today! They would rather spend their time in total ignorance and darkness, where their understanding of any truth that than can transform their soul from the darkness to the light is lost in a myriad of false teachings, that promise them liberty while they are still a slave to sin!
Now having a darkened understanding or a wrong concept of God is a very serious matter, because if you are under the strong delusion God promised to send to those who do not love the truth, then you are being alienated (separated) from the life of God, which is your only lifeline to eternal life.
Claiming ignorance is no excuse on judgment day, as you have been given the truth by a few who love you enough to give it to you, and also brave enough to suffer the hate and false accusations coming against them as they stand in the gap for God!
2Co 4:4 In whom the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving ones, so that the light of the glorious gospel of Christ (who is the image of God) should not dawn on them.

The god of this world has indeed blinded the minds of the unbelieving and also those who say they believe (obey, and follow Jesus on the narrow path) but just give Him lip service while they remain blind, unable and unwilling to see through the lies, so that the light of the glorious gospel of Christ could shine on them, and open their eyes so they can see to turn from the darkness to the light!
Tommy

 

[Jullianna]

I know some people will be offended by this, and I apologize in advance. I do NOT mean to belittle anyone's pain in any way, most especially the brave singles we have here who have lost their spouse. God bless you and my heart goes out to you.

But many times, I wished my ex had left, let's say, for a man, because then I really would have known it wasn't me. Or, I wish that I would have died first, or that, if we had to be separated and I had to survive, that he had passed away.

Because then I wouldn't have to think about the only love of my life rejecting me because for whatever reason I wasn't good enough... and he finally found the one who was, and had the babies we talked about having together with her instead. I still remember when we sent a care package to his sister for her first baby, and he picked up the bear we had bought together for her and said, "Honey, someday we're going to go shopping for a bear like this for our own babies..." Just remembering makes me shake my head with unspeakable sadness.

It kills me that so many Christians seem to think those of us who are divorce are dealing with something simple like a papercut or a nosebleed and that we choose to be in our situation via lack of trying.

I have wished, so many times, that God would have chosen to take me out of this world rather than put me through what I went through in my divorce, especially when I hear the criticism of other Christians. And I'm pretty sure there are a lot of other people who have felt, or still feel, the same way.

Kim, thank you for sharing your heart. I hope it helps you when you do. It sure makes me want to reach through this screen and hug you real hard. I hope it helps in some small way to know there are people here who love you, don't judge you and want so very much to see healing and hope in your life. <3

 

[leelee]

Focus on what really matters to God, you cannot re do your past sins against God and your ex, but you can become the woman God wants you to be, and a strong light to your family and ex, and mayabe God will bring you both together again, now in a marriage after His own heart, where you both are on the same page spiritually, walking the walk worthy of your calling!

Itorethsky is not a woman.



My actual answer, I think at the moment you are still sore form the divorce but (guessing here) there must have been happy times and I think you would regret throwing away 10 years of memories. At some point, once the anger has faded, you might want to remember some of that relationship or of that decade. In a nutshell: I think you would regret throwing away ten years.

 

[Jullianna]

Your not going to hell for being divorced, you need to repent of it all, come clean before God seek His mercy, and let the past be gone!

Most who profess Christ marry and divorce more than those in the world, I dont know your circumstance, at all, but, but you have a new chance to get right with God, be a light for Him, dont worry about finding another mate, just be sure as I stress you are in the will of God!

Focus on what really matters to God, you cannot re do your past sins against God and your ex, but you can become the woman God wants you to be, and a strong light to your family and ex, and mayabe God will bring you both together again, now in a marriage after His own heart, where you both are on the same page spiritually, walking the walk worthy of your calling!

What really matters!

Eph 4:18 Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart.
This verse alone truly summarizes the bleak condition of the modern church today! They would rather spend their time in total ignorance and darkness, where their understanding of any truth that than can transform their soul from the darkness to the light is lost in a myriad of false teachings, that promise them liberty while they are still a slave to sin!
Now having a darkened understanding or a wrong concept of God is a very serious matter, because if you are under the strong delusion God promised to send to those who do not love the truth, then you are being alienated (separated) from the life of God, which is your only lifeline to eternal life.
Claiming ignorance is no excuse on judgment day, as you have been given the truth by a few who love you enough to give it to you, and also brave enough to suffer the hate and false accusations coming against them as they stand in the gap for God!
2Co 4:4 In whom the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving ones, so that the light of the glorious gospel of Christ (who is the image of God) should not dawn on them.

The god of this world has indeed blinded the minds of the unbelieving and also those who say they believe (obey, and follow Jesus on the narrow path) but just give Him lip service while they remain blind, unable and unwilling to see through the lies, so that the light of the glorious gospel of Christ could shine on them, and open their eyes so they can see to turn from the darkness to the light!
Tommy

I really don't think God wants him to become a woman....

 

[zaoman32]

I really don't think God wants him to become a woman....

but it should be interesting if He did...

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

LOL thanks leelee,I'm glad at least you know I'm a dude. (and ty for the advice)
Tommy...I assure I have no intentions of worrying about finding another mate. If it happens,so be it. I'm not shopping around for one. As far as my ex's spirituality is concerned,she has no desire to seek God,but that's between her & Him. I honestly do not believe it would be God's will for us to ever get back together & if it was then I am sure God would reveal it to us both. I think I'd rather be married to a believer this time around if possible. lol
Seoul...ty,as Jullianna mentioned for sharing your story. After reading that,it also helps me to better understand you. Sometimes when you have posted things before,it was hard to see the place where you were coming from,but you have shared such a deep thing with us & I appreciate it. I don't take what you've shared lightly. (any of you for that matter...even you Tommy)

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

but it should be interesting if He did...

Sweet & Sour Chicken I rebuke that! lollololololol

 

[leelee]

Well, in the world at large it is blue for a boy and pink for a girl! I went with that theory. Well, and the fact you referred to your ex as "she". Same-sex marriage was not legal 10 years ago!

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

I know..it's my adorable avatar that threw off his game. LOL

 

[BarlyGurl]

I highly appreciate the "feels like the last 10 years was a lie"... thanks for writing that. Get rid of anything you want including furniture... but I would discourage you from rebuilding an household in your style... unless you are intentionally setting up your life to live single... leave plenty of room for building a home with your next wife.... tho that is down the road some.