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A
Does it not take effort to be oneself? I feel like I am searching for myself. In some kind of disparity. The things that gave me pleasure - shopping, eating out- don't anymore. I found myself in many parking lots, sitting in my car thinking 'what am I doing here?' Happiness is not found in Walmart. I am trying to fill something. Searching always searching for that thing. Searching for me. That one thing. I know its dramatic, but I feel a bit in despair. The line from The Matrix just popped into my head - "Stop trying to hit me and hit me!" Maybe that's it- I am trying to be me. I'm really confused. And I don't know. I don't know what I need to do. I don't know where to go from here.
P
I'm beginning to understand why I have flet like I'm not even attached to this world any more ... I'm beginning to winder if these are the dimensions on our way towards God , moving away from that Wich is familiar into realms that should have been familiar to is all along ... this must be the space between the circles with in circles of scrolls
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I received some advice regarding what is written above from another INFP tonight, that has given me so much insight, and I wish to share it:
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It's okay to wander sometimes. Not all those who wander are lost. Sometimes it's in those moments deep in the wilderness where we find our most profound insights. To be searching is nothing more than defiance, a statement that the status quo is unacceptable to you, that you would rather strive for something better than settle for a reality you know is not enough. And somewhere in that wilderness, you are there, only you do not yet see yourself because there is a disconnect from how you view yourself and the ideal self you wish to be.
So keep searching. But searching need not be because you are in any way inadequate, but rather because you've retained enough idealism to understand that there is more, to understand that the moment when you think you've found what you're looking for is the moment you need to stop and ask "what's next".
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It's okay to wander sometimes. Not all those who wander are lost. Sometimes it's in those moments deep in the wilderness where we find our most profound insights. To be searching is nothing more than defiance, a statement that the status quo is unacceptable to you, that you would rather strive for something better than settle for a reality you know is not enough. And somewhere in that wilderness, you are there, only you do not yet see yourself because there is a disconnect from how you view yourself and the ideal self you wish to be.
So keep searching. But searching need not be because you are in any way inadequate, but rather because you've retained enough idealism to understand that there is more, to understand that the moment when you think you've found what you're looking for is the moment you need to stop and ask "what's next".
P
Father , is this the testing ground ? Where I feel so lost ?
The judgement seat of a choice to keep moving closer to you ?
the choices coming are
WHOS understanding are you going to lean on? Mine or your own?
WHAT is your trust in? Mine or the worlds and mans?
WHO will you place your confidence in? Me or your own?
Is this all simply a test ?
The judgement seat of a choice to keep moving closer to you ?
the choices coming are
WHOS understanding are you going to lean on? Mine or your own?
WHAT is your trust in? Mine or the worlds and mans?
WHO will you place your confidence in? Me or your own?
Is this all simply a test ?
M
...excuse me a moment while I accidentally offend a bunch of people that I like because I can't articulate.
This is me, not shutting up when I should.
I feel like I've...lost something. Maybe I never really had it, though...and that's even worse. When you grow up in a small town, it's easy for everyone to be the best at something, and you don't realize til you leave that oh hey, all those people that raved about your amazing talent? Yeah, they didn't have anything to actually compare it to.
Hello, mediocrity. Hello, humble pie.
Bitter pills, and all that.
You'd think I'd know better by now, but maybe I've just forgotten everything I ever learned.
Maybe I never learned anything to begin with.
Maaaaybe I should be sleeping and not sitting here feeding the wild animals in my head.
This is me, not shutting up when I should.
I feel like I've...lost something. Maybe I never really had it, though...and that's even worse. When you grow up in a small town, it's easy for everyone to be the best at something, and you don't realize til you leave that oh hey, all those people that raved about your amazing talent? Yeah, they didn't have anything to actually compare it to.
Hello, mediocrity. Hello, humble pie.
Bitter pills, and all that.
You'd think I'd know better by now, but maybe I've just forgotten everything I ever learned.
Maybe I never learned anything to begin with.
Maaaaybe I should be sleeping and not sitting here feeding the wild animals in my head.
I'm on an adventure of sorts, one that may lead me away from here. And I'm okay with that.
It never ceases to amaze me who God will use in my life to show me things. Strangers, people I barely know, 2am Facebook conversations, rediscovered best friends, and a co worker who needs a SERIOUS attitude adjustment. But then again, so do I. I started sticking up for myself a few weeks ago, and the more I do it, the stronger I become. And I like it. Granted, I can find a slightly more gracious way of doing it, just ask my co worker, but nonetheless, sticking up for myself is a brilliant move on my part.
Ha! And I may not be an introvert! Hecka funny, right? This was pointed out to me by someone who doesn't even know me that well! God bless him, though. It makes me question a lot of things, however. Like people who supposedly know me well... are they not paying attention? When I've said, "Oh, I'm an introvert", why wasn't I confronted? Do they not care? Are they so self absorbed that they really don't know me at all? Because an almost stranger pointed something out to me that no one else brought up. Of course, I'll mention it to my best friend and she'll say something like, "well, yeah Aimee, of course". But she's known me for literally my entire life. She gets a free pass. But the rest of y'all... not so much. Well, some of you have a free pass, but not as many as you'd think. Huh. I find this all very fascinating.
I feel very free at the moment. I'm just gonna be me. You don't like it? You don't like me? Oh well. I have nothing to prove to anyone. Nothing. I cannot fully express how freeing that feeling is! I highly recommend it.
It never ceases to amaze me who God will use in my life to show me things. Strangers, people I barely know, 2am Facebook conversations, rediscovered best friends, and a co worker who needs a SERIOUS attitude adjustment. But then again, so do I. I started sticking up for myself a few weeks ago, and the more I do it, the stronger I become. And I like it. Granted, I can find a slightly more gracious way of doing it, just ask my co worker, but nonetheless, sticking up for myself is a brilliant move on my part.
Ha! And I may not be an introvert! Hecka funny, right? This was pointed out to me by someone who doesn't even know me that well! God bless him, though. It makes me question a lot of things, however. Like people who supposedly know me well... are they not paying attention? When I've said, "Oh, I'm an introvert", why wasn't I confronted? Do they not care? Are they so self absorbed that they really don't know me at all? Because an almost stranger pointed something out to me that no one else brought up. Of course, I'll mention it to my best friend and she'll say something like, "well, yeah Aimee, of course". But she's known me for literally my entire life. She gets a free pass. But the rest of y'all... not so much. Well, some of you have a free pass, but not as many as you'd think. Huh. I find this all very fascinating.
I feel very free at the moment. I'm just gonna be me. You don't like it? You don't like me? Oh well. I have nothing to prove to anyone. Nothing. I cannot fully express how freeing that feeling is! I highly recommend it.
I am reminded that out of the abundance of the heart, so shall a man speak. What is inside is revealed outwardly through the tongue.
Lord, I ask that you would make me ever so conscious of the things that come out of my mouth; that I would be able to come to you to change my heart to be like you; in your image and in your likeness so that every word that proceeds out of my mouth would be subject to your authority. Let no lie nor vanity proceed out of my mouth. Guard me and keep me in your ways. Let me walk in the light of your ways and have fellowship with you and your kingdom.
I thank you for your wisdom and revealing all secrets and all things that are hidden in darkness. Holy holy holy, Lord God Almighty. Blessed be your name forevermore. Thanks be to you for the reconciliation that you have given through your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Lord, I ask that you would make me ever so conscious of the things that come out of my mouth; that I would be able to come to you to change my heart to be like you; in your image and in your likeness so that every word that proceeds out of my mouth would be subject to your authority. Let no lie nor vanity proceed out of my mouth. Guard me and keep me in your ways. Let me walk in the light of your ways and have fellowship with you and your kingdom.
I thank you for your wisdom and revealing all secrets and all things that are hidden in darkness. Holy holy holy, Lord God Almighty. Blessed be your name forevermore. Thanks be to you for the reconciliation that you have given through your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
P
Father , thank you for your strength and mercy on me
Your forgiveness in my weakness ... I am all those things and worse without you..
apart from you I am nothing ..
You are revealing the more I come to you and share all my emotions with you "first".. I dont cast a heavy rock onto someone else's back , slowing down their steps with you, or even stopping them ..how often times I've done this ... how selfish I was .
who did I think
What was I thinking someone could bare the weight of it better than you? who did I think I was thinkin they had mire answers then you ? Thank you for your gentleness in my stupidity .. I understand "setting the captives free" has more to do with me coming to you then anything else ..I am
Like a link in a chain of their bondage when i do this .. Im
Finding your answers are coming more through fellowship in agreement with you than anything else .. Where two or three Agree you are there ... it's in the agreement not the argument ..
Your forgiveness in my weakness ... I am all those things and worse without you..
apart from you I am nothing ..
You are revealing the more I come to you and share all my emotions with you "first".. I dont cast a heavy rock onto someone else's back , slowing down their steps with you, or even stopping them ..how often times I've done this ... how selfish I was .
who did I think
What was I thinking someone could bare the weight of it better than you? who did I think I was thinkin they had mire answers then you ? Thank you for your gentleness in my stupidity .. I understand "setting the captives free" has more to do with me coming to you then anything else ..I am
Like a link in a chain of their bondage when i do this .. Im
Finding your answers are coming more through fellowship in agreement with you than anything else .. Where two or three Agree you are there ... it's in the agreement not the argument ..