Christian jokes

Ok so there was a p.k. a Preacher Kid who came to his father and said
Dad I just turned 16 and just got my driver license can you help me buy a car?
His dad look at him and said: Sure son I help you get a car but you have to do a couple of things first.
Sure Dad : The son said.
1st I want you to better in school.. The Dad said.
2nd I want you to get into your word more..
3rd I want you to cut that long hair..
Sure Dad : The son said..

(( A few weeks later ))

Look Dad I'm geting A's in all my classes.. He said..
Good son : the father replied..
And you know I've been in the word..
Yes son Iv'e seen that and I'm proud but you still havent cut that hair..

Well dad funny thing as I have been reading the bible I have found a few things ; He said..
And what is that : The father replied..

Well you know who had long hair in the bible Moses Dad...
And you know who was comanded by God never to cut his hair Dad Samson..
And Dad even Jesus Christ Had long hair so I don't think I need to cut my hair for you to get me a car..

Well Son you got me there: The father replied.. But you missed one thing: He said
Whats that ?? : The son replied..

THEY ALL HAD TO WALK WHERE EVER THEY HAD TO GO DIDN'T THEY !!!!!!

How many church folks does it take to change a light bulb?


Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

Amish: What's a light bulb?

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying,he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?" From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

I just forwarded this to my brother and a couple of the ladies at church. They'll love it!

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good! I thought it was pretty funny!

hahahahah that was a good one!!

Yes he is. Have you seen the video "My favorite bible verse"?

A banker approaches the Pearly Gates sweating and struggling with a heavy suitcase.

Saint Peter greats him and says, "Set the suitcase down and come in."

"No way!" barks the banker. "I have to bring it in."

"What could be in there that's so important?" asks Peter

The banker opens the suitcase to reveal 50 gold bricks.

Peters jaw drops: "You brought pavement?"

LOLOL

Why God Created Animals A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.

does anyone have any more

Heavenly Voice Mail


Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.