~Chuckle for the Day~

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Bingo

Bingo

Well-known member
#261
Feb 9, 2019
9,154
4,735
113
#261
RESERECTION
The minister started his Children's Sermon with a question, "Who knows what the Resurrection is?"
Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."
The pastor is still laughing.
REALITY
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

61988.gif :D
 
Bingo

Bingo

Well-known member
#262
Feb 9, 2019
9,154
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#262
Little Johnny on salesmanship
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467,” he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog s__t!" I would say, "It is dog s__t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the Bernie Sanders method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

facepalm-monkey - Copy.jpg animated-line-dancing-image-0030.gif lmao.gif
 
Bingo

Bingo

Well-known member
#264
Feb 9, 2019
9,154
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#264
shambar.gif
Well now, as some of you know, I was shipwrecked in the Mediterranean last November 2005 in a terrific storm, not long after I had left the old Eireann sod, and I was 'Lost at Sea.'
There were these two cobbers in another boat not far from me, two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, adrift in a lifeboat following their dramatic escape from another sinking ship.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, one of the wee folk popped out. This particular wee one, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The wee one clapped his hands with a deafening crash. Immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the wee one vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick, whose wish had just been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going, Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
shambar.gif

facepalm-monkey - Copy.jpg Fiddler.gif :D
 
Homewardbound

Homewardbound

Well-known member
#265
Dec 10, 2018
1,078
593
113
#265
Bingo said:
Little Johnny on salesmanship
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467,” he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog s__t!" I would say, "It is dog s__t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the Bernie Sanders method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

View attachment 201478 View attachment 201479 View attachment 201480
Click to expand...
Yer KILLIN' me man KILLIN' me!!!
 
P

Poinsetta

Well-known member
#266
Nov 24, 2018
10,619
6,214
113
34
#266
Bingo said:
RESERECTION
The minister started his Children's Sermon with a question, "Who knows what the Resurrection is?"
Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."
The pastor is still laughing.
REALITY
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

View attachment 201402 :D
Click to expand...
uuuuu you said a bad word 'mate', eyyy no bad words 'eyy mate'
 
tanakh

tanakh

Senior Member
#267
Dec 1, 2015
4,635
1,041
113
77
#267
Questions

Can cross eyed Teachers control their Pupils?

Do Divers with chicken pox come up to scratch?

Title for a new crime block buster ''Death can be Fatal''
 
G

Godsgirl83

Guest
#268
#268
tanakh said:
Can cross eyed Teachers control their Pupils?
Click to expand...
:LOL::LOL::LOL::ROFL:
got me in stitches with that!
Had to reread the others multiple times b/c still rolling over it.........
 
Bingo

Bingo

Well-known member
#269
Feb 9, 2019
9,154
4,735
113
#269
Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain:
"You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said:
"You've still got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .That really sped them up.
So Farmer Jack called and said:
"Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said:
"Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John:
"How's the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
NUDIST COLONY'
'SLOW DOWN AND WATCH FOR CHICKS'

facepalm-monkey - Copy.jpg image003 - Copy.gif
 
Bingo

Bingo

Well-known member
#275
Feb 9, 2019
9,154
4,735
113
#275
Dream About Nancy Pelosi
An assistant to Nancy Pelosi told her she had a fantastic dream last night: There was a humongous parade
in Washington celebrating Pelosi. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when Nancy went past. Bands
were playing, children were throwing confetti into the air. There were balloons everywhere. It was the
biggest celebration Washington had ever seen.
Nancy was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was
my hair OK?"
Her friend said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."

facepalm-monkey.jpg :LOL:
 
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