Dating a divorced man?

Hey folks, wanting some Christian advice. Here goes...

A guy I have known for years is looking me to go for coffee with him. I always had feelings for him but never made anything of it as he is married with 3 kids.. However.. His wife left him a while back after he caught her sending raunchy messages to other men.. They are not divorced yet but they will prob end up getting divorced. I have told him to try and sort it out with her and to try and make the marriage work ( I hate to see a marriage break up ). Have not said yes to coffee as I don't want to come between them or give the wrong impression to him if he is on the rebound.. What would you do? I wouldn't go near a married man in a romantic way. It would only be as friends..but if he wanted more when they got divorced would I be sinning to date him?

My advice is to stay away from the situation. You said you have feelings for him and this would put both of you in a situation that you should stay away from.

That entire situation has bad written all over it.

You have feelings for the guy. He is in an emotionally vulnerable state and could be more easily prone to straying, out of his pain and sense of betrayal. He may, whether or consciously or not, want to act out in revenge. This could cause you to be caught up something you don't want to be mixed up in. Also to potentially be used. Or it could lead to the possibility of trying to form a foundation for a relationship in the future, while he is still married, which would still be wrong. Not to mention unwise.

If you have feelings for him then you are the last person he needs to be around, because it is Way too easy to give in to wrong actions under those circumstances, for both of you, for different reasons. Really if you have that much of an attraction to him at all, while married, you should have been keeping your distance to begin with.
How do i know this? 20 years ago i was friends with a married woman who was in an unhappy marriage. And yes, i told her she needed to do things to fix her marriage, counseling, etc... but in the end we got involved. She got divorced, then dumped me a few months later. And it doesn't matter how wrong you think it is. I resisted getting involved with her at first because i was staunchly against the idea. But when emotions get involved you stop thinking clearly and start reacting instead.

It may not be a sin to date this man once he is divorced but I don't feel like it is a wise thing to do. You did not say if he is a Christian or not, Regardless, this man will need considerable time to get his life in order, including his spiritual walk with the Lord or to establish a relationship with the Lord. Probably getting a divorce and actually being divorced are two different things. There is a chance that this couple can have reconciliation and that would be jeopardize if you were to start seeing him, even over something seemingly harmless as coffee. Give this situation time to sort out and try to focus on your own spiritual walk with the Lord.

This has "train wreck in progress" painted on it. There's no guarantee they WILL divorce.. Even if they do, you would be his rebound.

I wasn't in contact with him while they where married and together. He has contacted me out of the blue.. It's def a bad idea. The very fact I asked means that

Run away as fast as you can.

Under NO circumstances should you see him.

Even after he is divorced, give it a year or two (or three).

Never date anyone until he or she is officially divorced. And even then, it probably needs about at least a year so the prospective dating partner has time to decompress, sort through things, and get some perspective.

Maybe it's a double espresso. Could be a latte.

give it a year or two

Even if this wasn't a marriage, the man is emotionally vulnerable and will probably project a lot of his anger from his partner onto you. He has had no time to even move on and accept the pain for himself. It is good that you said no. I have been a rebound girlfriend before in my past relationships. It is never fun in any way. It's not worth putting yourself or him in that sort of situation because these situations are very short lived. Take care

If he is showing any interest in you it would not be dangerous to pursue a "friendship". But the most important question is he a Christian...in the true Biblical sense? How this man is counseled is determined by which side of the fence he is on.

There are two problems here.

1. Dating him would not be biblical. 2. Dating him would not be smart.

People use Matthew 19:9 ["And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."] as a way of getting out of their marriages so that they can marry someone else, but in reality that Scripture (and the very similar one in Matthew 5:32) do not actually condone remarriage.

I don't generally make references to commentaries, but these snippets on Matthew 19 from Pulpit Commentary present what I honestly believe the Scriptures say about divorce and remarriage far better than I could in my own words, and although a commentary is just that - a commentary -, I see no shame in referencing the words of people smarter and better read than me:


"...Omitting for the moment the limiting clause [that is, what Christ says about divorce and fornication], may we say that the general teaching of Christ makes for the indissolubility [that is, the unbreakableness or undissolveable-ness] of the marriage bond? The majority of the Fathers from Hermas and Justin Martyr downwards affirm this. Those who admit that divorce is permissible in the case of the wife's adultery are unanimous in asserting that, by Christ's ordinance, remarriage is prohibited to the husband during the culprit's life; so that, practically, if divorce a mensa et torois allowed, divorce a vinculo is refused. All Christ's utterances on the subject, saving the apparently restrictive clause (Matthew 5:32) and here, absolutely and plainly forbid divorce, on the ground of law and nature. The words in Mark 10:11 and Luke 16:18 are given without any limitation whatever. St. Paul draws from such his conclusion of the indissolubility of the marriage tie, as may be seen in 1 Corinthians 7:10, 11, 39; Romans 7:2, 3. There could never have been a doubt about this subject had it not been for the difficulty in interpreting the parenthetical clause."

"...It is said that Christ allows the wronged party to marry again. If so, if the oneness of the parties is wholly destroyed by the sin of the woman, why is it not permitted to a man to marry a divorced woman? This cannot be called adultery unless she is still one flesh with her husband, although separated. We must argue from this that divorce in such a case does not destroy the vinculum matrimonii, the marriage bond. and if not under this circumstance, surely under no other; for any other ground must be always less serious than adultery. If the clause in question enunciated an exception to the absolute rule elsewhere given, Christ would seem to stultify himself, to give two opposite decisions, and to introduce uncertainty in a most important verdict..."

"...Our Lord seems to have introduced the exceptional clause in order to answer what were virtually two questions of the Pharisees, viz. whether it was lawful to "put away a wife for every cause," and whether, when a man had legally divorced his wife, he might marry again. To the former Christ replies that separation was allowable only in the case of fornication; in response to the second, he rules that even in that case remarriage was wholly barred..."

"The binding nature of marriage does not depend on the will or the acts of the persons, but on its primal character and institution."


Basically, whether the man gets a legal divorce or not, he's still a married man in God's eyes if not in the law of the land's. To say that you're on very shaky ground is a vast understatement, since it's apparent that un-squelched feelings for him have crept into your heart before he is even legally divorced, and because you are in the dangerous position of being able to step between a man and his wife who, although they are separated, or even if they get a divorce, could still be reconciled through the healing power of God. "What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." (Mark 10:9, I believe.) God hates divorce. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is that you not contribute to their separation by providing him with a welcoming alternative/escape to the long and rough road of reconciliation.

As to the second point, even someone who doesn't read the Bible or believe in God or His laws could tell you that this is a disaster waiting to happen. Like everyone else has already stated, the guy is going to be an emotional train wreck for years. You can't help him, you can't fix him, and it's not your place to try.

This all sounded pretty harsh I know, but I honest to goodness don't want to see you end up in a relationship that God cannot bless. That would be a tragedy, for both of you - as well as for those others who would also be effected by it (i.e., the estranged wife, who God wants to restore to her husband, and their children, who should have both parents).

You not dating this man and establishing clearly that you will not have a relationship with him (divorced or not) would not mean that he and his wife would ultimately be reconciled - but it would mean that you would be innocent of doing anything to interfere with the possibility of such a reconciliation, even after they get a divorce (if they do get a divorce. Post-divorce reconciliations are hardly unheard of).

TL;DR VERSION: Yes, it would be a sin, as well as going against innate common sense.