Emilie Diaries

It's almost 3am and I should be asleep as I have to go to work in 2 hours. My eyes burn and are tired from staring at the ceiling, praying for peace of mind. My manic episodes happen mostly at night I'm not sure why. Perhaps my persistent fear of the dark, of being alone. But, it also gives me time to think and no matter how hard I tried tonight, I failed.

I purged. Twice. My dark corners of my mind are rebelling against me. I didn't WANT to, but I HAD to...if that makes sense. I've been praying and asking forgiveness. I know this road will be hard and difficult but I don't want to quit

Lord

i pray that you casts out all evil things from Emilie's home. I pray that you give her wisdom in knowing what is not from you and to cast those things out. I pray Father that you would saturate her home with your presence, that even in the darkness she will know that you are King of All. That even in the darkness, she will be comforted by your loving thoughts of her. God, I also pray that if she has any guilt about making the same mistakes over and over again Lord, that you speak to her and let her know that you are not disappointed but that you love her even more and want to help her conquer this battle. God, I sense that you are making her stronger and stronger as each day passes, and though she may not always feel victorious, she will be victorious in the end! Thank you God for fighting for her! Thank you for the amazing love that you have for her!

Emilie, I'm not even sure how to explain this... But While I was typing this prayer for you, God just placed a huge amount of joy on my heart for you and I just know he is saying that everything is going to be okay and that one day, soon, you will be victorious and the enemy will be beneath your feet. He loves you so much and he will not leave you alone! Even when you feel like there is no escape God will provide an escape! He will show you his love and speak to you in such intimate ways that only you can understand. I see a beautiful relationship blooming between you and God and I just thank him so much for this! Praise God!

I would say good luck, but you don't need it for the King of kings, the Lord of lords, the alpha and omega, the almighty creator and all knowing God is on your side and fighting for you with his heavenly angels. Amen.

Thank you for the support and kind words. Today was a little better in ways I did not even expect =) I called my sister -adopted but we should be blood we are that close. I haven't spoken to her in a long time she is hurt most I think by my Anorexia and the S.I when we hung up she said she loved me and was honored to have me in her life. Speechless I hung up with her and cried for quite a while. Thank you God for putting me with such a gracious loving and firm family, they have built me up when I was broken down.

The other thing I want to give praise for today was that the guy friend I said who likes me his name is Ben. Well, Ben came up to me today after work and asked how I was. I told him the truth, I told him the truth about my E.D and I showed him a few of the scars on my arm under my long sleeve shirt. He didn't say anything just stared for a long moment, right as I was thinking he would turn away from me he gave me a hug so big he lifted me off the ground. Not like that is hard for him since to him I am like a "stick bug" how flattering.

Ben is one of those people who is always there for you and he has been my friend (and just my friend) since just after I was adopted and switched schools. He is so so sweet, his relationship with Christ is very powerful yet at the same time he can turn around and spout off the most sarcastic "not-so-Christ-like" humor and end it with an Amen like that's going to save him. He is imaginative, quick witted, funny, sarcastic, God fearing, loving, honest to a fault and a little masochistic too (is that a bad thing that i like that about him? ha ha ha) He said that he feels God has entangled our lives together so deeply that he does not see any other way than to marry me someday and he would wait as long as I needed and wanted to but he would enjoy taking me to a movie and dinner as a "see how this feels" test date.

I told him I would pray about it and see where my heart goes.

Oh gosh. Chatter box Emilie today and mostly about Ben. I'm in trouble.

I love the saying that family isn't always by blood. The closest people we can have in our lives can in fact be people who we would never think in a million years we could ever be in contact with and they can end up treating us better than our actual family.

It's good that you had a good day today. Hope you have many more to come. Do you happen to have any support group or anything for your eating disorders?

No but I'm trying to get up the courage to go to the celebrate recovery at a local church, it's church members and leaders in small groups and they are just a big support group talk thing that has gotten a lot of powerful reviews and testimonials but it is a huge church with lots of people and I'm nervous to try it. They have them at 9pm every Friday so I'm trying to pray about it and ask God if that's what he wants me to do. Maybe next friday I'll go to one.

That's good, you're taking a step. I also don't really know how it's like to have an eating disorder, so I'm not going to be that much of help. But I will agree that you're going to fight this and win. You have friends here that will be by your side, including me.

Do you have a doctor? These kinds of behaviours can be extinguished. And the mania and sleeplessness are just a sign that your brain is overstimulated. Medications can and do help that. God does not want you to be ill. He wants you to seek help, and to be healed.

"Heavenly Father, I pray for Emilie that you would impress upon her the need to get help, so that she can serve you, and help others who are going through ED. Touch her heart, and give her strength to admit her need for outside help. Show her she is helpless without You, but also helpless without relying in professionals who understand this daughter. I pray for peace, comfort and strength, so Emilie could make good decisions about so young a life. In Jesus name I pray, Amen."

Yes I do and I do take a few different medications, one for the depression one for anxiety and one to try to help my metabolism slow down to help me gain a little more weight

Today was a challenge. Not a failure, just challenging. I usually only eat once or twice during the day but my out patient treatment wants me to start eating more (of course right?) I ate three times today and about to eat another meal with Ben. He has graciously allowed me to take this big step with him by my side. He has challenged me to a 3oz steak and WHITE rice. WHY!!!!

Before going over there tonight I just completed a grueling workout I used to do.

Three sets of:
60 jumping jacks
20 pushups
50 knee highs
7 Burpees
20 crunches
15 squats
1min. Wall Sit

I don't know if I should count this day as a win/lose. Partly because I have not lost or gained any weight in the last week. Partly because I should not be exercising to that extent. Tomorrow will be better FX

Sick and tired of being sick; my out patient treatment center suggested (and by suggested I mean black mailed) me into doing a month of in patient treatment. I'm so done with this stuff. I want my brain to get better! My friend Ben is hopeful for me but I lost my job because of the stupid treatment. I can comfortably eat three times a day now and all though I've dropped 5 pounds I've gained more muscle. So, I guess that's something.

Welcome back, ScarsThatBind. Was wondering how you were doing.

hey Scars
I thought you disappeared so i took you off friends last night. haha. *poke

Did you have to tell her that?

Youre still on my friends list lol.

Im glad that you are able to see some good results from these treatments. . Hope things continue to improve. *Hugs*

Uhh... why not?

I was just teasing...