Emilie Diaries

Thanks, I'm doing alright for right now. Food consumes my mind constantly still...that lunch you had today? I'd probably stared at mine for an hour longer than you did today, just trying to convince myself that the energy I needed from consuming the apple/honey/raisin mix, out weighed (no pun intended) the risks of not eating it. Then came the 3 hour guilt trip afterwards for having eaten it in the first place.

Every day is a fight against the very thing that keeps me alive... and my own brain. It seems so trivial to most, a daily function most do without thinking, their brain sends hunger signals to the stomach and your subconscious tells you to eat. It's quite simple, right? Not for me. These signals come, and extreme anxiety sets in. I become my own prisoner to evil, sick and crude thoughts that make me not want to eat. They make me want to starve. That somehow these things will make me skinny, make me pretty. But, they don't. In fact for most of my eating disorder I was grossly overweight or average. It wasn't until my gag reflex went, my hair thinned, and my immune system started shutting down that I began to lose weight drastically. I almost died...three times!

You'd think that would be enough to change my mind right? Yet, here I sit as I write this, debating on if those few calories from the Fries and Shake I had are worth keeping.

Yes I struggle. Yes I am getting better.

Em.

Tonight is a complete drag. I went to a movie with Ben and a couple of my lady friends from treatment, I had popcorn comfortably and even felt greedy enough to lick the butter and salt from my fingers. SINFUL ha ha. But, now that I am back in my apartment alone for the night, reflecting back on it. I was so stupid! Ben, the one who was all gung ho about going out with me seems to find no interest in me...Or my progresses. I tried to hold his hand at the movie and he reached for his drink instead.

DENIED! I'm not mad or anything, just confused. I wonder what's made him change his mind. He said he just wants me to get better first. Umm, yeah, never happening! I will always have distorted eating habits, I will always have poor self esteem, and I will always hate the way I look. Why? Because, I am not good enough, never enough. But, he is. God is. Ben is. He is the only good thing (other than my progress) in my life currently. Yet, he rejected me.

Completely confused by men.

Sweetie. God can do anything. And just go for Jesus because he isn't waiting for you to get better. He wants you right now, just the way you are. And he wants to know everything about you. He's crazy in love with you, even when you are sick and struggling. He's the perfect man and he isn't confusing.

True dat! No doubt

So you want a guy to be interested in you, but not if he wants to get to know you better first? If you're going to be that closed off and shut down emotionally then no man will ever take a real interest in you because relationship (all kinds) requires a level of vulnerability and openness and without those things no one can ever know you well enough to really like you beyond superficial levels. And a romantic relationship can't exist without that openness.

You want to know why he changed? You answered your own question. You shut him out. He saw this. But yet you turn around and reach out after shutting him out. Confusion. That's why he changed.

I can understand this. It has been a great friendship for many years, he is always there and I am for him. But, on the romance side of things, it's always been rather confusing. Him afraid to go to far spiritually, and me always pushing him away because of this E.D. Then when I do reach out for him he is finally confused beyond definition apparently. Maybe I pushed his romantic side away too far this time? No matter what though I know we will still remain friends which is a HUGE blessing. Above all else though I understand me and my health come first. I need to get better and love myself first.

In other news, today was a good day other than the excruciating pain in my back right hip and middle spine, probably just from over exercising but I see my chiropractor tomorrow (Yay, for crunching bones and deep tissue massage that makes me a complete whining little baby!) Prayers for healing are appreciated.

Em.

Perhaps if he isn't spiritually mature then maybe God is interfering and causing the confusion on his part.

Ouch, sounds painful. I hope they figure something out to help.

Guess who got a job! This girl! Barista is better than bum, yes? Yes. Aaaaand, I'm going to church tonight they have meetings with other people like me so this is going to be interesting. I also want to thank the friends and people I've met on here for allowing me to speak my mind. =)

Today I've felt quite the pig. My friend Chelsea's birthday was today and we celebrated with starbucks coffee and Voodoo Donut's! I ate 5! Regretting it now =( time will only tell what the future holds for me but for now I am doing well and I charish every feel good moment and keeping the monsters at bay.

Congratulations on getting the job. Every step you move forward is good, even if it's small ones.

I don't understand any of this any more. I am so depressed and alone I don't think I can do this anymore no one gives a rats butt if they never even saw me again. I try to be nice and the happy little go lucky girl everyone wants me to be. But, I just am not. I hate having to hide how I really feel, like this world just isn't cut out for me. I see so many girls getting better around me while I'm just stuck in this pit of dark. I can't explain it, I've always felt this way. No matter how hard I get back up I always slip up, I always fail. I'm a failure. I know it, God knows it, even Ben knows it. He's told me every time this has happened I just need to stop and be better. If it was that easy I'd be doing it! I had a dream last night of being down by the water, going in farther and farther. No one ever noticed I was gone, like I am just a stain to be removed with some cold water. I don't know what it means or if I should take solace in it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I could feel the water over my nose crossing me out...I'm not sure what to think.

It sounds to me like you do not know who you are...

You need to fill your mind with truths and block out the lies.

You are a daughter of the King.
You are worthy because He created you.
Thru Christ, we are already victorious.
God can redeem all situations.
Your Heavenly Father is so crazy in love with you that He came down in human form and died for you. You sound pretty worth it and beautiful to me.

And you shouldn't compare yourself to others... We are all good at hiding our weaknesses and our pain.

I am an authority on doing what you described in your last sentence.

I am in absolute agreement with what you have said.

been in treatment for two months now. The psychiatrist says I need to figure out who I want to be and live my life accordingly. Problem is, I'm still trying to figure that out. I hate this e.d so much. It makes me so depressed with life to where the only way I feel anything is to injure myself. IdkI wish I knew a better way. They take everything away from you here and only get stuff back by completing monthly goals. I got my phone back this month for gaining 10lbs and not hurting myself. (But how can I when I can only use a razor while supervized! I get to be here for four more months!

Perhaps try starting with small things. Find your short term goals now and figure out some goals that may take longer. See how far you can get, and if you don't get your whole life figured out, no worries. But while you are working on that, at least you're moving forward in other areas. Even if they are small things, it's still moving forward. And give yourself credit for each goal you accomplish. Don't downplay a goal you obtain because it's not big. Start small an enjoy it. Perhaps in the process of doing small goals this will help you figure out bigger, more long term things to work towards.

It's nice to hear from you again (maybe you post more often, but i don't read as many posts as i used to).