One thing (amongst millions) that I have found difficult is prayer. I can't seem to talk to God. I can't talk to anyone about what's going on in my head, and it's been that way all my life. People have had to drag things out of me to get me to talk, and I come up against the same problem when I try to talk to God. I have a very tough time thinking of God as a Father. I don't know how to relate to a Father. It's only been since 2012 that I've had the opportunity to get to know my own Father and I know...that I don't know him at all and can't relate to him. We are as different as two people can be in every sense of the word. I can't talk to or be a "good son" to my biological Father. I can't figure out how to "talk to" my Heavenly Father.
Now, I say the following rhetorically, but these are some of the thoughts I have when I am knelt in prayer "What do I say?", "If God is God, doesn't He already know what's going on with me?", "What's to discuss?; I feel like I do because of my own actions, so why should I bother God with my mess?". "Why would God want to take time out of keeping all of creation humming along to bother listening to me whine and complain like a child?".
I can identify, I had no father I was brought up in foster care by my divorced aunt.
My birth mother had paranoid schizophrenia. I had no earthy father to identify with or
learn from. Some kids have it worse as they have an earthly abusive father.
I use to have this idea that God was somewhere up in the sky waiting to zap me if I got
things wrong. But slowly with time I came to realise God is not distance and remote,
His love is everlasting, we mere human beings are precious to Him. A book which
helped a lot was Victory Over The Darkness by Neil T Anderson. You might want to see
if you can get hold of it.
I realised that my ideas were wrong and the bible really was right when it talked of
the Love of God. Then there are all those verses about who we are in Christ and those
parables the lost son or prodigal son, the lost sheep, the lost coin.
I also had a taste of God's love as a young person about 11 or 12, it took a while but
I thought well, I can trust my own fallible thoughts and feelings or I can trust the
word of God. In the end I decided to trust the word of God and as I did, I found
my understanding was opened as God showed His love to me.
I hope you discover the true nature of God for yourself, you will if you seek it.
Re prayer I think we all struggle with that, it can feel unnatural. Sometimes it helps
to write out prayers, sometimes to speak them out loud into thin air. Sometimes its
even hard to get thoughts together and say quiet prayers. Yes God does know our
needs but I think we still need to pray even if it's a few short words. Prayer is a way
of us saying God I need you and I put my faith and trust in you.
Prayer doesnt have to involve lots of fancy words, singing can be a form of prayer.
If you find it hard to speak out, then find a song which expresses how you feel and
sing it. Prayer can be poetry, there are many ways to express prayer.
You could try writing out a few prayers. Maybe of different kinds for example
Thanksgiving
Praise
Repentance
Supplication
etc
Then if you find it hard to pray at times, you can use them.
Prayer is a two way thing it involves listening as well, ask questions read the
bible see if answers come or direction etc. Look out for answers as you go
about your daily life.
Prayer is far more than many people think, it's an adventure of communicating
with God.
