I need a little help!

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Jul 12, 2019
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#1
I am a 62 year old man who, as far as I know have never had a relationship with God. I have spent the last twenty years of my life going to therapy and a lot of soul searching trying to understand why I turned into the person I did. A very evil, sinful person.

But recently I have figured out that all the therapy and everything has been great and completely necessary in order to heal and grow. But in essence has not done anything to tell me who I am. I mean if I am not that sinful person anymore then who am I? I have no children so I am not suppose to be a father or grandfather. Which is very difficult for me to accept.

I am beginning to wonder if maybe I am not suppose to be a Christian. I cant seem to develop faith that it is all true. And I want to. I can say however that at least I do feel as if I have the faith of a mustard seed that the Bible and God are real and true.

If I tell you that it is science that has along with some events and feelings or thoughts that I can't explain that has given me that grain of faith; You probably would disagree with me. But that doesn't matter. You are not me, with my past and subsequent present and future that is not what I wanted. What does the religious community have against science anyway.

Also I am finding it real hard to develop faith in God because so many values and beliefs that most of religious communities have don't necessarily agree with mine. Such as abortion or gay rights for example. I don't think either are good for society. I don't think either are moral.

But here is the rub, I don't believe we, meaning other human beings, have the right to tell anyone they can't have an abortion or marry the same sex if they like. I believe God gave us his commandments. And I believe God gave everyone the right to make his or her own choices. Is that not correct? Is that not in the Bible?

So if we, man make laws to take that choice away then I say that is wrong. We don't have that right. God did not give us the right to impede on others rights. Abortion is a sin. I agree. But..... freedom of choice. God gave us that choice. The choice to sin or to live for him.

From what I understand, the devil is a liar and a deceiver. And it could be very easy to let your passion and personal religious views take over to a point to where you think you are doing God's work, but you're not.

Also, understand first that because of my past, I grew up very much an introvert, shy and reserved. And I have always hated that. Now because of my past and my inwardness I am finding it really hard to make friends. When I go to Church or really any social function I am very quiet and don't talk much.

So I get depressed a lot. Because I have this past. And I have no Children. And I can't seem to let the past go, forgive myself for the things I've done, forgive those who have wronged me and move on. And I can't seem to develop this faith.

I am not giving up. I can't. But I feel stuck. Stuck between my old life and the new one as a Christian. And I can't seem to advance. So I don't know what else to do. I go to church every week. Pay my tithes. Do good things for people in need. I try to pray but feel like I'm talking to a wall. I spend quite time trying to hear him. Am I missing anything?
 

laughingheart

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2016
796
788
93
#2
One great freedom in my life was realizing that my journey with God was not about climbing a mountain and getting more and more perfect. It is a matter of distance, of continuing on. The the novel Pilgrim's Progress, right before the end, Christian hits some of his deepest valleys. Each day I live I have to make a decision to give over the lordship of my life. Our natural inclination is to fight and be our own gods. You will always struggle while you live. We know we don't earn our salvation, or are particularly worth. It is a gift. Many of us fight against that, wanting to earn it. When we fail we hide from God as if that pays for our sins.
My point is that the Christian life is a matter of pressing forward, being obedient as an act of gratitude and allowing Christ's lordship in our lives. That means forgiving in ourselves what Christ has forgiven. If you can make amends for your actions then do it, but do not hold yourself apart. Fall into God's love. He knew all you would ever do when he called you to him. He didn't make a mistake.
 

CharliRenee

Member
Staff member
Nov 4, 2014
4,884
5,577
113
#3
Welcome to cc, you covered a lot of material. Please, bear with me as I attempt to respond.

I hear your point, for example, on live and let live but we as Christians are called to be ambassadors for Christ, appealing for the cause of God. We are not just spectators; our faith calls for action. He is clear in His word, as you know, about abortion and homosexuality, so we as Christians feel compelled to stand in His truth, trusting in Him and what He wants for us. We are called to love ppl and that love includes standing for what we believe is right, by God and for His creation.

We all are wicked, evil people without Him and even after we accept Him into our lives, it takes work, His and ours, to help us get where we can die to our prideful, selfish ways. Even if we grow and become more and more like Christ (which we should), though, I believe the only reason He is able to present us blameless one day is because of the perfect One living inside of us, not because we achieve perfection.

I am encouraged that you are still seeking. Please stay in the word, surround yourself, face to face, with fellow Christians, keep praying...for I think all of us can relate to seasons of doubt, but He loves you so much. Trust in Him to help you even with your unbelief.

I am lifting you in prayer, hoping and trusting for His revealing in your life. I know depression can be hard, but I know He can help. Sometimes, though, Christian counsel can help too. I suggest you talk to your pastor.

God Bless you and again, welcome aboard.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
28,583
7,095
113
#4


I am a 62 year old man who, as far as I know have never had a relationship with God. I have spent the last twenty years of my life going to therapy and a lot of soul searching trying to understand why I turned into the person I did. A very evil, sinful person.
I would venture to say that people who do not have a relationship with God do not describe themselves as evil and sinful. It seems more like you desire a better relationship with God. Closer. More consciousness of His presence in your life. Do you pray for this? Do you ask others to pray this for you?

But recently I have figured out that all the therapy and everything has been great and completely necessary in order to heal and grow. But in essence has not done anything to tell me who I am. I mean if I am not that sinful person anymore then who am I? I have no children so I am not suppose to be a father or grandfather. Which is very difficult for me to accept.
I do not know what it is you have done that you cannot forgive yourself for, nor do I need to know, but if you have accepted Jesus' death on the cross as payment for the death you (all of us) deserve, then your sins have been forgiven. As has already been said, He knows everything about you, and more than this, He understands all the reasons why and how you became the person you were, everything that went into the decisions you made that led you to where you got in your life. It also sounds like you have repented of those things, and it makes me think of Paul, who called himself the worst of sinners. Look at what he did with his life when he repented of murdering those whom he opposed. He became a hero of our faith, and penned close to a third of the New Testament: Galatians, 1 and 2 Thessalonians, 1 and 2 Corinthians, Romans, Ephesians, Philemon, Colossians, Philippians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Titus, and possibly Hebrews also.



I am beginning to wonder if maybe I am not suppose to be a Christian. I cant seem to develop faith that it is all true. And I want to. I can say however that at least I do feel as if I have the faith of a mustard seed that the Bible and God are real and true.

If I tell you that it is science that has along with some events and feelings or thoughts that I can't explain that has given me that grain of faith; You probably would disagree with me. But that doesn't matter. You are not me, with my past and subsequent present and future that is not what I wanted. What does the religious community have against science anyway.
Some scientists use their knowledge as a weapon against God and turn impressionable minds away from Him. Pride is the culprit. This is not true of all scientists, though, since there are many recognized scientists who do believe in God. Science is a study of the natural world but atheists seize upon it to dismiss the supernatural and spiritual, which cannot be measured or quantified as they demand.

Also, understand first that because of my past, I grew up very much an introvert, shy and reserved. And I have always hated that. Now because of my past and my inwardness I am finding it really hard to make friends. When I go to Church or really any social function I am very quiet and don't talk much.

So I get depressed a lot. Because I have this past. And I have no Children. And I can't seem to let the past go, forgive myself for the things I've done, forgive those who have wronged me and move on. And I can't seem to develop this faith.

I am not giving up. I can't. But I feel stuck. Stuck between my old life and the new one as a Christian. And I can't seem to advance. So I don't know what else to do. I go to church every week. Pay my tithes. Do good things for people in need. I try to pray but feel like I'm talking to a wall. I spend quite time trying to hear him. Am I missing anything?
Are you involved in any kind of community outreach where you try to help those who are worse off than you?





 

Bingo

Well-known member
Feb 9, 2019
2,368
1,781
113
#5
"Thank you for sharing. A spiritual individual looks at life as it is, and the deeper
meaning of ones own existence here in the now, and not necessarily being conformed
to worldly thinking. You may be grounded in a deeper relationship with God than you think.
We must learn to let go of the past, or the past will not let go of us. Your right thinking on
subjects mentioned, would indicate you are more spiritually inclined than some.
Pray about it and never doubt the inspiration of God may be your guiding 'light'.
Thank you for being you."
'Praise God'
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Sep 29, 2019
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#6
I am a 62 year old man who, as far as I know have never had a relationship with God. I have spent the last twenty years of my life going to therapy and a lot of soul searching trying to understand why I turned into the person I did. A very evil, sinful person.

But recently I have figured out that all the therapy and everything has been great and completely necessary in order to heal and grow. But in essence has not done anything to tell me who I am. I mean if I am not that sinful person anymore then who am I? I have no children so I am not suppose to be a father or grandfather. Which is very difficult for me to accept.

I am beginning to wonder if maybe I am not suppose to be a Christian. I cant seem to develop faith that it is all true. And I want to. I can say however that at least I do feel as if I have the faith of a mustard seed that the Bible and God are real and true.

If I tell you that it is science that has along with some events and feelings or thoughts that I can't explain that has given me that grain of faith; You probably would disagree with me. But that doesn't matter. You are not me, with my past and subsequent present and future that is not what I wanted. What does the religious community have against science anyway.

Also I am finding it real hard to develop faith in God because so many values and beliefs that most of religious communities have don't necessarily agree with mine. Such as abortion or gay rights for example. I don't think either are good for society. I don't think either are moral.

But here is the rub, I don't believe we, meaning other human beings, have the right to tell anyone they can't have an abortion or marry the same sex if they like. I believe God gave us his commandments. And I believe God gave everyone the right to make his or her own choices. Is that not correct? Is that not in the Bible?

So if we, man make laws to take that choice away then I say that is wrong. We don't have that right. God did not give us the right to impede on others rights. Abortion is a sin. I agree. But..... freedom of choice. God gave us that choice. The choice to sin or to live for him.

From what I understand, the devil is a liar and a deceiver. And it could be very easy to let your passion and personal religious views take over to a point to where you think you are doing God's work, but you're not.

Also, understand first that because of my past, I grew up very much an introvert, shy and reserved. And I have always hated that. Now because of my past and my inwardness I am finding it really hard to make friends. When I go to Church or really any social function I am very quiet and don't talk much.

So I get depressed a lot. Because I have this past. And I have no Children. And I can't seem to let the past go, forgive myself for the things I've done, forgive those who have wronged me and move on. And I can't seem to develop this faith.

I am not giving up. I can't. But I feel stuck. Stuck between my old life and the new one as a Christian. And I can't seem to advance. So I don't know what else to do. I go to church every week. Pay my tithes. Do good things for people in need. I try to pray but feel like I'm talking to a wall. I spend quite time trying to hear him. Am I missing anything?
Danimal, do you think you have overloaded your mind with thinking too much? It can be such a heavy burden thinking about such deep subjects....many with no obvious quick resolution. Maybe do some things with other people that are fun and you enjoy. Walks in the countryside, gardening, swimming etc. Like you I,m a deep thinker, but while it can be rewarding, it can take a heavy toll on mind and emotions. Take care .
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
7,904
4,158
113
#7
I am a 62 year old man who, as far as I know have never had a relationship with God. I have spent the last twenty years of my life going to therapy and a lot of soul searching trying to understand why I turned into the person I did. A very evil, sinful person.

But recently I have figured out that all the therapy and everything has been great and completely necessary in order to heal and grow. But in essence has not done anything to tell me who I am. I mean if I am not that sinful person anymore then who am I? I have no children so I am not suppose to be a father or grandfather. Which is very difficult for me to accept.

I am beginning to wonder if maybe I am not suppose to be a Christian. I cant seem to develop faith that it is all true. And I want to. I can say however that at least I do feel as if I have the faith of a mustard seed that the Bible and God are real and true.

If I tell you that it is science that has along with some events and feelings or thoughts that I can't explain that has given me that grain of faith; You probably would disagree with me. But that doesn't matter. You are not me, with my past and subsequent present and future that is not what I wanted. What does the religious community have against science anyway.

Also I am finding it real hard to develop faith in God because so many values and beliefs that most of religious communities have don't necessarily agree with mine. Such as abortion or gay rights for example. I don't think either are good for society. I don't think either are moral.

But here is the rub, I don't believe we, meaning other human beings, have the right to tell anyone they can't have an abortion or marry the same sex if they like. I believe God gave us his commandments. And I believe God gave everyone the right to make his or her own choices. Is that not correct? Is that not in the Bible?

So if we, man make laws to take that choice away then I say that is wrong. We don't have that right. God did not give us the right to impede on others rights. Abortion is a sin. I agree. But..... freedom of choice. God gave us that choice. The choice to sin or to live for him.

From what I understand, the devil is a liar and a deceiver. And it could be very easy to let your passion and personal religious views take over to a point to where you think you are doing God's work, but you're not.

Also, understand first that because of my past, I grew up very much an introvert, shy and reserved. And I have always hated that. Now because of my past and my inwardness I am finding it really hard to make friends. When I go to Church or really any social function I am very quiet and don't talk much.

So I get depressed a lot. Because I have this past. And I have no Children. And I can't seem to let the past go, forgive myself for the things I've done, forgive those who have wronged me and move on. And I can't seem to develop this faith.

I am not giving up. I can't. But I feel stuck. Stuck between my old life and the new one as a Christian. And I can't seem to advance. So I don't know what else to do. I go to church every week. Pay my tithes. Do good things for people in need. I try to pray but feel like I'm talking to a wall. I spend quite time trying to hear him. Am I missing anything?
Yes. It appears you are missing the most important thing. THE Gospel. Here it is:

THE Gospel unto Salvation:
God wrapped Himself in human flesh in the form of His Son, Jesus the Messiah. Conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of a virgin. He suffered, was crucified, and died to pay OUR sin debt. He was raised to life from the grave to prove He had defeated death. If you confess Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that His Father resurrected Him to Life on the 3rd day, you WILL be saved. You will be filled, and sealed with the Holy Spirit, who will empower ALL to turn from their sins. The sin of adultery, lying, stealing, homosexuality, gossip, slander, drunkenness, covetousness, etc... And most importantly the sin of DEAD works, or a moral life in an attempt to EARN Salvation. He will also equip you to love like He did and do good works for HIS Glory.
 
Jul 12, 2019
4
1
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#8
Welcome to cc, you covered a lot of material. Please, bear with me as I attempt to respond.

I hear your point, for example, on live and let live but we as Christians are called to be ambassadors for Christ, appealing for the cause of God. We are not just spectators; our faith calls for action. He is clear in His word, as you know, about abortion and homosexuality, so we as Christians feel compelled to stand in His truth, trusting in Him and what He wants for us. We are called to love ppl and that love includes standing for what we believe is right, by God and for His creation.

We all are wicked, evil people without Him and even after we accept Him into our lives, it takes work, His and ours, to help us get where we can die to our prideful, selfish ways. Even if we grow and become more and more like Christ (which we should), though, I believe the only reason He is able to present us blameless one day is because of the perfect One living inside of us, not because we achieve perfection.

I am encouraged that you are still seeking. Please stay in the word, surround yourself, face to face, with fellow Christians, keep praying...for I think all of us can relate to seasons of doubt, but He loves you so much. Trust in Him to help you even with your unbelief.

I am lifting you in prayer, hoping and trusting for His revealing in your life. I know depression can be hard, but I know He can help. Sometimes, though, Christian counsel can help too. I suggest you talk to your pastor.

God Bless you and again, welcome aboard.
I totally agree. We as Christians are suppose to be ambassadors on the front lines. But here is where I disagree. We are to be ambassadors. A light in the darkness. A guide post for the righteous. But does it not also say in the Bible that we are not to dictate to others. That is to demand compliance of your religious views. The Bible clearly warns against that. God is the only one who can demand or dictate. God is the only one who can truly judge. We are to be a light in the darkness. A moral compass showing the true path to salvation. But it is up to each individual to follow that path. Their choice.

I don't like the choices people make. But God told me I don't have the right to demand anything of another. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stay silent when I see a wrong. A light in the darkness. Nothing more.
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
5,663
2,337
113
#10
G'day Danimal5762

And welcome to CC :)

I am a 62 year old man who, as far as I know have never had a relationship with God. I have spent the last twenty years of my life going to therapy and a lot of soul searching trying to understand why I turned into the person I did. A very evil, sinful person.
Well that's a good start. Acknowledging that we are sinful is the first step in coming to a relationship with God. People who are sick know they need a doctor and value a good doctor when they find one.
People who know they are sinners know they need to be forgiven for their sins and The LORD Jesus is the One who offers Atonement for ones sins.


I have figured out that all the therapy and everything has been great and completely necessary in order to heal and grow. But in essence has not done anything to tell me who I am. I mean if I am not that sinful person anymore then who am I?
You may be an improved version of your older self in regard to your ability to reduce your sinning impact on yourself and others.. But i have never met anyone in this world who has totally eliminated their sin condition. Me included.


I have no children so I am not suppose to be a father or grandfather. Which is very difficult for me to accept.
Same here.. I am 8 years younger then you and never married and never had kids. As a Christian i know i have eternity with others so i know i will have the best relationships possible in Eternity so missing out on becoming a dad can be coped with when one has eternity.


I am beginning to wonder if maybe I am not suppose to be a Christian. I cant seem to develop faith that it is all true.
In my experience once i believed that God existed then the incredible things talked about in the Bible all became possible.. If God is a God then all those things spoken of in the Bible are child's play for Him..


And I want to. I can say however that at least I do feel as if I have the faith of a mustard seed that the Bible and God are real and true.
Brilliant.. You only need to start off with the faith of a mustard seed..


If I tell you that it is science that has along with some events and feelings or thoughts that I can't explain that has given me that grain of faith; You probably would disagree with me.
Different people start their journey in faith at different places, so i have no problems with you saying that you have your own experiences that may be different to others.


But that doesn't matter. You are not me, with my past and subsequent present and future that is not what I wanted. What does the religious community have against science anyway.
Science is a tool for Observing, Measuring the Physical universe and is limited to the ability of human beings to come to conclusions about the universe. So when science stays within the confines that it was designed for i have no problems with it.

We have a God who created the Universes Therefore God is not of the Universe, He existed before the universe. Science is not a tool that can observe and measure and come to conclusions about God. It is not a tool that can be used to detect and measure God.. So when a scientists declares that there is no God, He does so without having undeniable scientific evidence for such a claim.


Also I am finding it real hard to develop faith in God because so many values and beliefs that most of religious communities have don't necessarily agree with mine. Such as abortion or gay rights for example. I don't think either are good for society.
I detect a Problem. Christianity is the teachings and claims made in the Holy Bible.. It is NOT what a local pastor or preacher or official denominational doctrines teach.. Way too many people base their belief in what Christianity is by observing what Christians nearby say or do.. I personally have never joined a church since i became a Christian because i have not found a Church that is 100% in alignment with the revealed teachings of the Holy Bible. So my advice to you is to read the New Testament for yourself so you can find out what Christianity actually is and what it is not. I will also advise you to talk to God and Ask Him to cause you to gain understanding of what you are reading.


But here is the rub, I don't believe we, meaning other human beings, have the right to tell anyone they can't have an abortion or marry the same sex if they like.
But do you agree they should have the right to give warning to them that God does not approve of people aborting babies and also that God does not like people marrying the same gender and engaging in same sex, sexual relationships ? If a person is giving warning they are not forcing are they? Like as long as they do not hold a gun to someones head then they are not forcing anything upon the other right?


I believe God gave us his commandments. And I believe God gave everyone the right to make his or her own choices. Is that not correct? Is that not in the Bible?
Yes people have and do make their own choices.. But do you agree choices have consequences?? Like if i choose to drive a car at the maximum speed my car can do then when i lose control of that car and crash it and end up as a paraplegic because of the injuries i sustained in the car crash. Then i have to accept that my free willed choices can have bad consequences, right?


So if we, man make laws to take that choice away then I say that is wrong. We don't have that right. God did not give us the right to impede on others rights. Abortion is a sin. I agree. But..... freedom of choice. God gave us that choice. The choice to sin or to live for him.
I personally leave those Laws up to the governing Authorities..


From what I understand, the devil is a liar and a deceiver. And it could be very easy to let your passion and personal religious views take over to a point to where you think you are doing God's work, but you're not.
That's a possibility and no doubt it happens. But in the end if a person is teaching things that are against the will of God it shows that they are not being guided by Gods Holy Spirit.. So no matter how devout and hard core they are in their doings they are doomed in eternity. No amount of fanatical religiosity will help one if they do not have the Holy Spirit with them..


Also, understand first that because of my past, I grew up very much an introvert, shy and reserved. And I have always hated that. Now because of my past and my inwardness I am finding it really hard to make friends. When I go to Church or really any social function I am very quiet and don't talk much.
Same.. I am an introvert.. The good thing about God is that it does not matter to Him if we are the quiet type or outgoing type.. God can use us where we are at.. That's why i spend time in text based forums like this.. I don't need to be an outgoing social butterfly to say what i need to say and communicate with people i need to communicate with.. Introvert extrovert.. it does not matter on a text based forum..


So I get depressed a lot. Because I have this past. And I have no Children.
I came to a point of peace when i accepted the facts of my life as being as they are.. When people hold onto an idealistic life view that they do not experience they get depressed because deep down inside their sub conscience believes that the ideal version of life should have happened.. But once we understand that the ideal life often does not happen and real lives often have limitations failings and tragedy then a weight is lifted off our shoulders and we can accept things as they are.. Knowing that an imperfect life is often the standard of most lives..


And I can't seem to let the past go, forgive myself for the things I've done, forgive those who have wronged me and move on. And I can't seem to develop this faith.
Well that's the best thing about Christianity.. It is all about being forgiven by God.. Forgiving others.. AND forgiving oneself Lots of people often forget that last point and find it very hard to forgive themselves.. But once you accept you are only human and that God has forgiven you then you realize there is no point withholding forgiveness from yourself.. ;)

I am not giving up. I can't. But I feel stuck. Stuck between my old life and the new one as a Christian. And I can't seem to advance. So I don't know what else to do. I go to church every week. Pay my tithes. Do good things for people in need. I try to pray but feel like I'm talking to a wall. I spend quite time trying to hear him. Am I missing anything?
Christianity is not about your DOINGS... It is about Believing Jesus and Trusting in HIS DOINGS..

What is it you think you can GET OUT of Christianity?

For me it was the assurance of eternity with Jesus and that peace of mind helps me handle the troubles i face in this world.. Becoming a Christian does not magically transform ones life into a heaven on earth.. But i gives you a glimpse of the Light at the end of the tunnel.. Your still stuck in this cold dark tunnel but at lest you have hope for a brighter future.. :)