Pastor's daughter called me barely tolerable, what am I to think?

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
  • June 2022 Fundraiser!
    Guest if you appreciate Christian Chat can you please participate in our June 2022 Fundraiser (CLICK HERE) if you're able (all amounts appreciated!). We are totally member supported doing this by faith Your support is very helpful, very needed, and very much appreciated. Thank you!
    ~ Donate now ~
Feb 9, 2014
168
35
28
#1
I had a pretty huge falling out with this girl--she was the pastor's daughter. the thing is, I'm not really sure what to think. We had been friends for 5 years or so and never had any issues that I was aware of. Then one day randomly she ignored me and her brother approached me and said I was barely tolerable. I should mention there were more events after this but I'm having a very hard time piecing together everything that happened, but will discuss what I do know.
So, for those who don't know, the phrase "barely tolerable" I knew to be a direct reference to one of her favorite books, Pride & Prejudice--in particular the scene where Elizabeth Bennett overhears him say it to Bingley, and then when Darcy mentions dancing as an act of affection, Bennett replies, "only if one's partner is barely tolerable."

All I know is the girl ignored me and her brother said the words...she never gave me a reason and blocked me on Facebook. At first glance I assumed this meant she was annoyed by me...but without her telling me it was very hard to know for sure. Some time later I wondered if the father had a part in all this, perhaps not approving of us being close with each other (close only in the sense of friends), and decided end it.
Sometimes I wonder if she had a crush on me and I never realized it...there are plenty of occurrences that could have suggested this...but again...I will never know.
Sometimes I wonder if her dad said no more and she said barely tolerable to get me to know the reference to Pride & Prejudice? This whole ordeal has confused me so much, and the only person who really knows the truth is her, and she has not spoken to me at all since the incident.
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,834
978
113
32
#2
Does she want to dance with you? Lol 💃
 
I

IFOLLOWHIM

Guest
#3
Would be my advice....and move on!
 

Whispered

Well-known member
Aug 17, 2019
4,551
2,228
113
www.christiancourier.com
#4
A pastors daughter no less. Wow.

I agree with the advice, let it go. Why would you want someone in your life that treats you like that? And with no explanation? That's cowardly.
You're better off.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,731
113
Texas
#5
Well, you will never know. So the only thing you can do is move on. If you have been friends for 5 years and all of a sudden bam! This is a hard pill to swallow and probably hurt your feelings pretty good.
Maybe some self reflection to see if you are a bit obnoxious. If you have any true friends you might could ask them and see. But you have to write ole girl off. She probably has her eyes on some boy and don't want you hanging around gumming up the worx.

Can I be honest with you?
 
S

selfdissolving

Guest
#6
I had a pretty huge falling out with this girl--she was the pastor's daughter. the thing is, I'm not really sure what to think. We had been friends for 5 years or so and never had any issues that I was aware of. Then one day randomly she ignored me and her brother approached me and said I was barely tolerable. I should mention there were more events after this but I'm having a very hard time piecing together everything that happened, but will discuss what I do know.
So, for those who don't know, the phrase "barely tolerable" I knew to be a direct reference to one of her favorite books, Pride & Prejudice--in particular the scene where Elizabeth Bennett overhears him say it to Bingley, and then when Darcy mentions dancing as an act of affection, Bennett replies, "only if one's partner is barely tolerable."

All I know is the girl ignored me and her brother said the words...she never gave me a reason and blocked me on Facebook. At first glance I assumed this meant she was annoyed by me...but without her telling me it was very hard to know for sure. Some time later I wondered if the father had a part in all this, perhaps not approving of us being close with each other (close only in the sense of friends), and decided end it.
Sometimes I wonder if she had a crush on me and I never realized it...there are plenty of occurrences that could have suggested this...but again...I will never know.
Sometimes I wonder if her dad said no more and she said barely tolerable to get me to know the reference to Pride & Prejudice? This whole ordeal has confused me so much, and the only person who really knows the truth is her, and she has not spoken to me at all since the incident.
ever considered walking up to her and ask her what was going on? i would. sometimes direct communication is the most effective.

she kind of did you wrong bro. i think you have the right to know why.

who knows, maybe it's just a misunderstanding and an actual conversation about it could clear it up.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
38,473
14,935
113
67
Tennessee
#7
The girl is not into you but apparently it took you 5 years to realize this. Let her go, she's not worth the drama. Not sure what her father being a pastor has to do with this. It's not like you were boyfriend / girlfriend so it's not much of a loss.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,731
113
Texas
#8
ever considered walking up to her and ask her what was going on? i would. sometimes direct communication is the most effective.

she kind of did you wrong bro. i think you have the right to know why.

who knows, maybe it's just a misunderstanding and an actual conversation about it could clear it up.
This is bad advice.

You don't deserve anything she owes nothing and you don't want it anyway.

Walk away don't look back.
 
S

selfdissolving

Guest
#9
This is bad advice.

You don't deserve anything she owes nothing and you don't want it anyway.

Walk away don't look back.
nah bro.
your friend of 5 years just ghosts you out of the blue, and you don't even reach out to try and find out why?
i don't buy that for a second.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,731
113
Texas
#10
nah bro.
your friend of 5 years just ghosts you out of the blue, and you don't even reach out to try and find out why?
i don't buy that for a second.
You don't have to buy it.

If you want to do it right then you walk away and live your life.

Part 2 of that is, if they would do that to you they never were your friend to start with.
 
S

selfdissolving

Guest
#12
You don't have to buy it.

If you want to do it right then you walk away and live your life.

Part 2 of that is, if they would do that to you they never were your friend to start with.
there could very well be a simple misunderstanding here. i advocate an attempt at reconciliation between fellow Christians.

but my advice is my advice and your advice is your advice.

i value your unique perspective on the situation.
 
L

LordsHandmaiden

Guest
#13
Why is it that people on this site ARE NOT ASKING AND TALKING to God about all the so called deep things that trouble their souls!




Not a question by the way!


Who knows EVERYTHING about EVERYBODY !..............GOD!

Even things we keep hidden from others .
 
Feb 9, 2014
168
35
28
#14
A pastors daughter no less. Wow.

I agree with the advice, let it go. Why would you want someone in your life that treats you like that? And with no explanation? That's cowardly.
You're better off.
Well maybe she thought the barely tolerable comment was the explanation...still...wasn't the nicest way of doing it, especially not talking to me directly. Honestly I just wish she would reach out and talk to me.
I'd like to contact her and see if she is willing to talk...but these days I'm afraid of her bringing up harassment charges if I try to contact her once she's blocked me on social media...this day and age it's too risky, so I feel like she has to be the one to reach out...even though it sucks, and it has been a very long time since we talked.
The reactions of her family also confuse me....like her mother and sister blocked me on insta but still like my fb posts occasionally or send a birthday message (and her mom's also a pastor)...and it just makes me more confused.
 
Feb 9, 2014
168
35
28
#15
there could very well be a simple misunderstanding here. i advocate an attempt at reconciliation between fellow Christians.

but my advice is my advice and your advice is your advice.

i value your unique perspective on the situation.
Advice should come from Scripture--I propose reconciliation based on the book of Matthew...but unfortunately I have never actually seen anybody apply this. I believe it is Steven Lawson or John MacArthur who says this is the most disobeyed Scripture in the Bible...but I digress. I do think there are times to refrain, such as someone who does not repent or extreme sexual immorality, or infidelity...or with a divisive person (which gets a little convoluted if you think about it), but for someone who is willing to discuss and has things out, idk. The pastor seems to think it was my fault that everything happened saying I need to take responsibility and there are consequences for my actions...I asked him what I did to hurt anyone..he said he didn't feel slighted..so what exactly am I taking responsibility for? He proceeded to tell me my feelings are not his responsibility, even though it was his family who directly insulted me...so to me it really is his responsibility, or at least his family's.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,243
2,472
113
#16
I think the best thing to do is surrender it to the Lord. In this life, we will have so many questions left unanswered. We will lose our peace if we continue to mull over and over it.

The Holy Spirit is faithful. Allow Him to heal you from all this misunderstanding. With His help, you’ll be able to forgive them for hurting you.
 

Whispered

Well-known member
Aug 17, 2019
4,551
2,228
113
www.christiancourier.com
#17
Well maybe she thought the barely tolerable comment was the explanation...still...wasn't the nicest way of doing it, especially not talking to me directly. Honestly I just wish she would reach out and talk to me.
I'd like to contact her and see if she is willing to talk...but these days I'm afraid of her bringing up harassment charges if I try to contact her once she's blocked me on social media...this day and age it's too risky, so I feel like she has to be the one to reach out...even though it sucks, and it has been a very long time since we talked.
The reactions of her family also confuse me....like her mother and sister blocked me on insta but still like my fb posts occasionally or send a birthday message (and her mom's also a pastor)...and it just makes me more confused.
I have no doubt you are concerned and blindsided by this sudden shift in her attitude toward you. I agree it is best to use caution when thinking to pursue an answer due to concerns about harassment charges.
I think her having this change of attitude and then going to those extremes to block you from contacting her after is her way of saying, she has no interest in sorting it out. That's on her, not you.

Whatever this is, maybe ask yourself per your personal standards as pertains to friendship, is this how you'd expect and respect a true friend to behave toward you?

I'll share something personal and maybe this will help.
Certain in-laws in our family are whacked. No other way to encapsulate how they are the culmination of bad parenting. One parent being a malignant narcissist, and the other a coward.
The one parent was the dominant one. And their needs came before anything else. Both parents abused their many children. Physically, emotionally and of course all that leads to mental abuse.
The one parent , the malignant narcissist, was the real problem all the way around. They even treated their own siblings poorly. One, they didn't speak to for 30 years because the MN was upset with that sibling and thought it justice. After those 30 years of ignoring the siblings existence the ban was lifted and not even the MN(Malignant Narcissist) recalled why it all started.

In any case, to get to it. A member of the extended family in this circus of weird personality , family by marriage, had for some reason unknown to them caused the children of these two unfit now dead parents to feel a certain way about them. So the children, including this persons spouse, who was one of those siblings, all had a meeting one day out of state. The sib's lived across the country and the unrelated spouse could not leave on an extended visit due to work schedules. Their spouse, the siblings relation, went on a visit to their family alone.
At this meeting the siblings and that spouse all decided that the "outsider" , the inlaw their sibling was married to, would be ignored. Just like their mother did to her own sibling for decades. And so it was. No reason was given to that spouse. They just noticed when those sib's would call they'd call the spouse/sibling cell phone, not the home phone where there was a mere chance the ostracized one would answer.

God only knows what was behind that. I remember getting the call from the ignored in-law of this bunch because the ignored one needed someone to vent to. To this day, years after, they have no idea what generated this shut down.
The point here is, those people in that emotionally abusive clan actually believe not only that they're entitled to stop talking to a member of their extended family, but that that person deserves their shutting them off. And should be bothered by it, and have it effect their life. Because, that particular clan no longer likes nor respects the one whom their sibling is married to.

That's a sin of entitlement. Selfishness. And the fruit that arrives after decades of abuse from infancy by two people who should have never ever had children. Even their offspring agree with that one.

The point is in sharing that, sometimes the worst people don't show you they are a bad person until they decide to be themselves.

If you continue to let this block impact you emotionally, that person who has erected it for their own reasons they're not courageous enough to share with you, but are cowardly enough to exercise against you by ignoring your existence, controls your day to day and your emotions from the moment they did this and you found out.
They don't want to talk with you or have anything more to do with you.
That's their right.

Just as it is your right to kick the dust from your feet and keep it moving. They were never your friend when they can't even speak to you now about what troubles them. And what they don't realize is ending it like this with you, the silent treatment that blocks your existence from their attention on the Net, has an emotional toll it will put on they themselves as time goes on.

If you live in the same area there's a chance you'll see each other.
Every time they look at you whatever it is that bothered them to that degree is going to resurrect itself in their psyche and emotions. Because they didn't make closure on the issue that bothered them so much they cut you out of their life without a word as to why.

You can only allow that to happen to you if you let it. And that gives that person more power over you than the one act of blocking you out. Because the emotions will carry in you day to day beyond that. And your life has never and shall never depend on being accepted by any one person. You have power over your life, not your friends, or even family. You decide what makes you happy, and whom you will allow to impact you emotionally.

Don't let someone who hasn't the courage to talk out their issues with you take away your smile or the light you have in your life that are those true open sincere friends.

Learn from this! Don't let it burden you thinking you did something to deserve it. And that she's not speaking to you lets you then imagine all kinds of fantastical things as to what it was you "did". When you can never guess and it isn't up to you to do so.

LOVE YOU! And don't spend another moment fretting over those who don't.

You deserve to be happy! Believe in that. And learn from what doesn't make you happy, so that you grow stronger for having survived the experience.
Someone doesn't like you? Too bad, it's their loss.
Someone doesn't want to talk to you anymore? That's their right. Too bad, it's their loss.

Be happy! And to do that make sure you don't depend on others and how they feel about you to get there. If you do, you'll always be a hostage to circumstance and personalities you have absolutely no control over.
That's how you gain personal emotional strength. Realize the limitations of being you. People will think what they want to think, and say what they want to say about you. You are not responsible for any of that. And you have no control over any of it.
Thinking you do is what can make you upset as in this case. You think you should be able to know what's up with this persons sudden turn of attitude toward you. But you're not. And they're showing you that by blocking you after they turned from you without a word as to why.
And, they're a Pastor's daughter! What does that mean? Nothing.



 
S

selfdissolving

Guest
#18
Advice should come from Scripture--I propose reconciliation based on the book of Matthew...but unfortunately I have never actually seen anybody apply this. I believe it is Steven Lawson or John MacArthur who says this is the most disobeyed Scripture in the Bible...but I digress. I do think there are times to refrain, such as someone who does not repent or extreme sexual immorality, or infidelity...or with a divisive person (which gets a little convoluted if you think about it), but for someone who is willing to discuss and has things out, idk. The pastor seems to think it was my fault that everything happened saying I need to take responsibility and there are consequences for my actions...I asked him what I did to hurt anyone..he said he didn't feel slighted..so what exactly am I taking responsibility for? He proceeded to tell me my feelings are not his responsibility, even though it was his family who directly insulted me...so to me it really is his responsibility, or at least his family's.
sounds like that guy is really beating around the bush!!!

if i was in your shoes, i know exactly what I'd do: keep pressing him for an answer. why is he having such a hard time telling you the truth?

i have a friend who is very involved with Church reform. he is a cornucopia of interesting facts about the inner workings of your average church ministry. one time has was telling me that in many churches, if church leadership decides that a particular member of the congregation is not "with the program", they often make decisions to have the elders of the church do things like cold shoulder the person, disqualify them from being a part of church leadership, etc. the Pastor and deacons discuss these sorts of things in closed meetings.
 

BenFTW

Senior Member
Oct 7, 2012
4,834
978
113
32
#19
You haven’t really explained all the details properly. What happened exactly? What did you do? Banning you on social media? Then rejecting you? Did you in fact do something without realizing it? Or maybe they know something about you and don’t want to be associated with you?

I am not suggesting anything other than transparency and maybe self examination.

Also that pastor seems jaded, as if you let them down.
 
Feb 9, 2014
168
35
28
#20
You haven’t really explained all the details properly. What happened exactly? What did you do? Banning you on social media? Then rejecting you? Did you in fact do something without realizing it? Or maybe they know something about you and don’t want to be associated with you?

I am not suggesting anything other than transparency and maybe self examination.

Also that pastor seems jaded, as if you let them down.
The girl in question and I talked online quite a bit. My only guess is she found this annoying.. .its really the only thing that makes sense..but it is a little confusing because she was always enthusiastic and energetic in her responses.