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C
Here's a few good jokes I read recently.
DON'T HAVE TO YELL:
I noticed a deaf couple in the library talking to each other, evidently in a heated argument. The wife was getting more upset, using large signs, her husband could see that she was upset. Finally, he took both her hands in his, and signed, "Honey, you don't have to yell, I am not blind!"
SOAP
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
IT'S WINDY!
Three hard of hearing dudes are standing on a street corner.
First hard of hearing dude says, "Brrrrr, it's windy!"
Second one says, "No...it's Thursday."
Third one says, "Me too, let's go get a drink."
Lumberjack:
There was a lumberjack who chopped trees all day and would yell "TIMBER" just before each tree would fall. One day he set out to cut down a tall tree. He cut and cut cut. "TIMBER" he yelled. But the tree didn't budge. He'd chop some more and yell "TIMBER" and yet the tree wouldn't fall. So he went to a tree doctor and angrily said, "I keep cutting this tree and shout 'TIMBER' but it never falls! What's wrong with it?" The doctor checked out the tree and then fingerspelled T-I-M-B-E-R. The tree fell down. The tree doctor then looks at the flabbergasted lumberjack and says, "The tree is Deaf."
DON'T HAVE TO YELL:
I noticed a deaf couple in the library talking to each other, evidently in a heated argument. The wife was getting more upset, using large signs, her husband could see that she was upset. Finally, he took both her hands in his, and signed, "Honey, you don't have to yell, I am not blind!"
SOAP
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
IT'S WINDY!
Three hard of hearing dudes are standing on a street corner.
First hard of hearing dude says, "Brrrrr, it's windy!"
Second one says, "No...it's Thursday."
Third one says, "Me too, let's go get a drink."
Lumberjack:
There was a lumberjack who chopped trees all day and would yell "TIMBER" just before each tree would fall. One day he set out to cut down a tall tree. He cut and cut cut. "TIMBER" he yelled. But the tree didn't budge. He'd chop some more and yell "TIMBER" and yet the tree wouldn't fall. So he went to a tree doctor and angrily said, "I keep cutting this tree and shout 'TIMBER' but it never falls! What's wrong with it?" The doctor checked out the tree and then fingerspelled T-I-M-B-E-R. The tree fell down. The tree doctor then looks at the flabbergasted lumberjack and says, "The tree is Deaf."
Rich Man Joke
There once was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked so
hard for his money and he wanted to be able to
take it with him to heaven. So the rich man began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth
with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him.He was very grieved because he had worked so
hard for his money and he wanted to be able to
take it with him to heaven. So the rich man began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth
with him.
"Sorry Rich Man, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules. The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The man implores the angel to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules. The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that
God had decided to allow him to take one suit-
case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his
largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars
and places it beside his bed.
God had decided to allow him to take one suit-
case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his
largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars
and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at
the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter
seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't
bring that in here!" But, the man explains to
Peter that he has permission and asks him to
verify his story with the Lord.
the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter
seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't
bring that in here!" But, the man explains to
Peter that he has permission and asks him to
verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back
saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on
bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before
letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to
inspect the worldly items that the man found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims,
saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on
bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before
letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to
inspect the worldly items that the man found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!?"
PEARLY GATES
Photo © by Don Rapelje Sr.
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.
The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast,
and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter.
I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams.
Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest.
But, the test I have for you is only three questions.
Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims,
"Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though,
and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest.
"But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve!
Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:
January second, February second, March second... "
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.
I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter,
"Can you tell me God's name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's name.
Everbody probly know it. It's Andy Howard."
"Andy Howard?" asks Saint Peter.
"What makes you think it's 'Andy Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the song and the prayer."
"The song and the prayer?" asks Saint Peter,
"Which song and prayer?"
"Andy's song", responds Forest,
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me... ",
and The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest:
"Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Photo © by Don Rapelje Sr.
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.
The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast,
and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter.
I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams.
Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest.
But, the test I have for you is only three questions.
Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims,
"Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though,
and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest.
"But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve!
Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:
January second, February second, March second... "
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.
I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter,
"Can you tell me God's name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's name.
Everbody probly know it. It's Andy Howard."
"Andy Howard?" asks Saint Peter.
"What makes you think it's 'Andy Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the song and the prayer."
"The song and the prayer?" asks Saint Peter,
"Which song and prayer?"
"Andy's song", responds Forest,
"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me... ",
and The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest:
"Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
