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God is Like a TV Commercial
Then there's the Sunday School teacher who had her 5th grade class watch commercials to see if they could use them to come up with ways to communicate truths about God. Here's what they said:
God is like..
Allstate: You're in good hands.
Alka-Seltzer: Try him, you'll like Him
Tide: He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
Sears: He has everything.
A Ford: He's got a better idea.
Hallmark Cards: He cared enough to send the very best.
Bayer Asprin: He works miracles.
Delta: He's ready when you are.
Alberto Vo-5: He holds through all kinds of weather.
Coke: He's the real thing.
The US Post Office: Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail will keep Him from His appointed rounds.
Scotch Tape: You can't see Him, but you know He's there.
Dial Soap: Aren't you glad you've got Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
General Electric: He brings good things to life.
Then there's the Sunday School teacher who had her 5th grade class watch commercials to see if they could use them to come up with ways to communicate truths about God. Here's what they said:
God is like..
Allstate: You're in good hands.
Alka-Seltzer: Try him, you'll like Him
Tide: He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
Sears: He has everything.
A Ford: He's got a better idea.
Hallmark Cards: He cared enough to send the very best.
Bayer Asprin: He works miracles.
Delta: He's ready when you are.
Alberto Vo-5: He holds through all kinds of weather.
Coke: He's the real thing.
The US Post Office: Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail will keep Him from His appointed rounds.
Scotch Tape: You can't see Him, but you know He's there.
Dial Soap: Aren't you glad you've got Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
General Electric: He brings good things to life.
F
Forest Gump and St. Peter
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
F
The Bible, Through the Eyes of a Child
Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.
Creation
In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.
Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.
Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.
Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.
Noah
The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph
Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.
Moses
Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.
Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.
Joshua
Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.
David
David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.
Solomon
One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.
Jonah and Other Prophets
After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.
There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.
The New Testament
When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."
Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.
Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.
Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution.
Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.
Creation
In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.
Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.
Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.
Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.
Noah
The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph
Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.
Moses
Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.
Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.
Joshua
Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.
David
David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.
Solomon
One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.
Jonah and Other Prophets
After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.
There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.
The New Testament
When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."
Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.
Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.
Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution.
F
some kids actually prayed these things
"Lead a snot into temptation." (Praying for her sister to get into trouble)
A four year old girl prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy prayed, "God, if you can't make me a better boy, that's OK. I'm having a good time the way I am."
"Give us this day our jelly bread."
"Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."
"Hail, Mary, full of grapes."
"Our Father, who art in heaven, how didja know my name?"
"He suffered under a bunch of violets." (Pontius Pilate)
"Lead a snot into temptation." (Praying for her sister to get into trouble)
A four year old girl prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy prayed, "God, if you can't make me a better boy, that's OK. I'm having a good time the way I am."
"Give us this day our jelly bread."
"Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."
"Hail, Mary, full of grapes."
"Our Father, who art in heaven, how didja know my name?"
"He suffered under a bunch of violets." (Pontius Pilate)
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Palm Sunday
One Palm Sunday, little Joey had a sore throat and had to stay home from church with a sitter. When the rest of the family came home, they were carrying palm branches. Joey asked what they were for. His father told him that people held them over Jesus' head when he walked by.
"Wouldn't you know it!" said Joey. "The one Sunday I miss, Jesus shows up!"
One Palm Sunday, little Joey had a sore throat and had to stay home from church with a sitter. When the rest of the family came home, they were carrying palm branches. Joey asked what they were for. His father told him that people held them over Jesus' head when he walked by.
"Wouldn't you know it!" said Joey. "The one Sunday I miss, Jesus shows up!"