Transgender pain

Your questions are wonderful; there is so much I don't know about my childhood and because of your questions I'm like wow my grandmother didn't tell me anything. My grandfather was impossibly quiet, no input, I wonder what happened to him he's so kind.

All I have is the one can of food story, wow you're right why weren't they given food stamps. I have no idea who called, that's why I'm like wow why don't I know that lol. My grandmother did think my mom did drugs. So maybe that was it but I can only speculate.

Does this mean I don't know why I was adopted? Only having one can of food does sound irresponsible but I liked your compassion with food stamps better. Maybe it was the lie detector investigation but then why not only be held onto until the investigation passes instead of outright adopting I mean my biological father was found innocent so I truly don't know in the end.

My mom when I used to talk to her would address nothing about back then, saying the past is behind her, robbing me of my history. Yes, department of children and families if that's accurate. I don't know exactly how old I was, must have been 0-4 years because at 5 I was put in ballet or dancing whatever, my brother and I hated it so my grandmother was kind enough to pull us out of it.

So I'm 33, bio father sperm donor basically because he wasn't in my life and had scary energy, out to humiliate energy. He's gone he accepted me as male that was the one good thing he did for me except he called me "hun". Dads don't call sons hun so I stayed away from him. My grandfather accepted me as male, he on the will, but he wasn't consciously onboard because he wrote my deadname in parentheses to my name and he refused to see my anguish and remove it immediately, he was all "oh my health" when it was a word document! How long does it take to turn on a computer that he always left running. It was a feminine name too so I rid him out of my life and I'm happier. He's so quiet and didn't chase me down (hey, what's going on in your life?) So I don't need that in my life either. And my grandmother? I left at 18 visited like three times all she cared about was my Mohawk not how I was doing so I left her forever. All we ever did was fight even as a kid.

You know if even one gay had a loving father it would destroy your argument as far as I see it. And there are gays born to loving families that support them ...and why would a kid hate their chest so horribly like me? It wasn't something "new," it was wrong, horror. And then the guys stopped wrestling with me to top it all off.

Craving a father figure...I got a buddy who's my go to for when I don't know what to do. But that feeling of someone asking about your life and caring about it? Even if I did write my grandfather he was so... disinterested or just rage filling quiet when he could have said anything.

So Johnny 3 Tears, has lyrics that sold me. First of all he acknowledges suicidal thoughts so I don't feel alone "life's so @#$#ing long, I want to "_________" I LOVE HIM. Secondly he is always pointing to God. "Lord I don't knoooooowww" "Holy Ghost, hold me please" and Johnny 3 Tears is directly responsible for me engaging with God, even if in rage, with the lyrics "make me weak and then save me". That was a core anger at God for such a long time. That issue maybe God will reveal in heaven as I've calmed down so much just by having my thoughts acknowledged. J3T was in a chat room with 4 other guys and said "all of us here are fathers" and I cried lol, he knows the value

You seemed to have answered a good many posts here, perhaps you missed mine? Post number 60? Or was there a reason you didn't comment on it? Just wondering.

I looked everywhere for this post and couldn't find it again lol. Thank you for listing the post number. I see you have challenges but you don't have my challenges. So for the people who want to get rid of their limbs, I totally see why your like look at that. I don't know. I only can account for my own life and pain, and I'm not going to Impale myself by living as a female meaning people see me as female. The limb thing may seem relatable when in fact it very well may have nothing to do with my case. I have to pray God takes people case by case basis because my pain is genuine. I don't cause my own misery when I reach for things it's just there, waiting to kill me. If only I could get surgery. When I woke up from surgery....I would scream and scream and scream in thankfulness that it's finally gone. So with your example of the blind lady, I could just say she should try covering her eyes before surgery. That's short sighted no pun intended of your full argument though so I'll do my best to do it justice.

Question. What happens if said blind lady wasn't alone. What if 1 out of every hundred people hated their sight and it was real torture. Then they try an operation. So it turns out that they are happier without their sight. That's the science and actual reality of mine, that transgenders see happiness with their transition. Except this male. Even if I got all the surgeries, I want to die for ever have been called female. My repulsion is so strong it's just "me". And I would never change. My future counselor might frown on that, saying "but you haven't even lived without a chest yet, you haven't given it a chance" and he will have me wondering.

Everybody here thinks God wills to be a female, but people on here ignore the pain, try to get me to see beyond it, but that's not going to happen it's been six years of my life in torture from not being seen for who I am, the man I am. I'll never leave Matthew 19:11-12, that I am a Eunuch born this way, and not all can receive that says Jesus, so I received it and none can take it from me

Well that just took things to a whole different level. So you're saying that even if God did a miracle and you woke up with a perfect male body tomorrow (I don't expect he would do that but for the sake of argument...), you would still want to die because other people had thought of you as female? What's so horrible about being seen as female? And why does how people see you matter so much to you? Because so far everything you've said is about how much you despise being related to anything feminine up to and including your own body, rather than any masculine traits.

Do you believe God is one who redeems and restores and sets free? Do you believe he wants to do that for you? Would you consider asking him to show you the way out of your pain and into the abundant life Christ came to give you? Right now it's like you're insisting to God that it's your way or the highway, but God may have other and better ideas. Something God has been asking me lately about a completely different area is how long do I want to stay stuck before I'll get real and do business on some things with him. And angry outbursts at God can be part of that process, but mostly it's so you can clear all that anger out of the way long enough to listen to what he has to say.

Hello Greyfray. Thanks for your reply. Hope you're well today. It's just a thought but do you ever read the book of Psalms? It can be comforting in tough situations because the author, David, was often in a condition of extreme anguish due to circumstances beyond his control, but then comes hope. For example:

Psalm 13 A psalm of David.
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

Anguish and sorrow, then comes a 'but' and hope. Reading the psalms can renew our minds. As the bible says:

Romans 12: 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Renewing the mind, a process of transformation. Might be a long process, but every journey begins with a first step. Reading the bible, remembering what God has already done for us. What Jesus did for us. God Bless, hope this is helpful

To a degree, yes. Something initially started it and it was reinforced by your thoughts. I even know a friend that as we speak thought and felt like he was having a heart attack. It was a panic attack but it felt real.

Of course, on the spiritual front we have evil or demonic influence. Which still leads back to a complete surrender to God. Come as you are but we are never expected to stay as we are. He will work in us.

Maybe try to volunteer at a hospital or somewhere to get different perspectives.

Psalm 13:6

I am sorry, but I really only have a minute right now.

It seems to me that you and I agree on the following points:

1. There are things from your childhood that you do not know about or presently recall.
2. You are in anguish.
3. Something happened somewhere along the line to initiate said anguish.

In relation to the anguish, you believe that God put you inside of the wrong body, and I could never agree with you on that point. God simply does not make mistakes. That said, I do believe that your anguish is real, and this is what I would like to suggest from my end to hopefully bring about your cure.

In a few minutes, I will be talking with a dear sister in Christ from this forum on the phone. She already responded in this thread, so she is familiar with your situation, and she and I will be praying for you together shortly.

I also have another dear friend here who has shown herself to have godly discernment time and time again, so I am going to send her a private message in which I will ask her to read this thread, and to pray for you as well.

If God reveals anything to any of us, then I will be sure to relay that information back to you.

Now, here is what I am asking from you at your end...

Seeing how you admittedly do not know a lot about your past, and seeing how you are in anguish which might possibly have originated sometime in your forgotten past, I am simply asking you to say a prayer to God in which you will ask him if something happened in your childhood to initiate all of this anguish which you are presently experiencing.

I cannot help but think about a woman I encountered years ago who was severely tormented for years, but in a way that is different from your anguish. I and another Christian were praying for her fervently, and nothing was happening. Finally, we decided to ask God if something from her past might have been the cause of her torment, and God gave her a vision in which he revealed something from her childhood that none of us could have possibly known on our own. When we prayed in accordance with what God had shown her, her deliverance came immediately.

Anyhow, please just ask God to show you if something happened during those forgotten years that is related to your present pain. It is possible that you might have blocked some horrific event from the past out of your mind. Personally, I do not see the harm in simply asking God if this is so.

Thank you.

But the statistics are that those who do have the surgery have a very high suicide risk. I guess I'm just asking, have you considered for a moment, just for a second, that what you think would make you happy may not? Have you ever watch the program on tv called "I am Jazz"? I haven't followed the story closely but I know there are complications. And what may seem to you like the best thing that could ever happen, could turn out not to be. Then where will you be?

So many times in life we tell God what we want. I will tell you a little story. About 15yrs ago or so I met a man in my travels. He wasn't a Christian but said he wanted to be. I wasn't the type to fall easily. My whole family and friends would have bet that I would never marry. That's how "strong" I was. But I met this man. Before long he was tracking me down at my home. Then he moved into my area. And slowly he began to work his way into my life and heart. But suddenly I found myself doing things I was against. I was allowing myself to be pulled away from my convictions. My family began to warn me and I did not want to hear it. One night he called me drunk in the middle of the night. I was headed headlong into what could be a horrible life and marriage. My mother just flat out told me the truth I needed to hear. I remember that night, and I told her it was too late, I was in love. It was what I wanted, I would listen to know one, I knew that I could not be happy without this relationship. I would cry when he would leave to visit his mother on weekends. I was such a mess and no one knew what to do for me or how to stop me. But I had a praying mother! And every time I tell this story I start to cry. She prayed and that person got a job on the other side of the country! So far from me, I was devastated. I couldn't understand why God would do that, why didn't He care about my happiness?! I wasn't a young woman, I believed this man was my last chance. He called me for the first month or two then I would leave call after call with no answer. You could possibly understand my pain,now I was being rejected by the person who swore they loved me, the one I thought I couldn't breathe without. Then on my birthday he called, and I thought it was prayer answered. My mother, what a lady of God, she prayed with me every night for this person I believed I needed to live. Then one day he called out of the blue and told me that a woman might call me. I found out he was living with a woman and she had found out about me and she was angry! She was going to call me and curse me out. I hung up the phone, I was devastated. I can honestly I was ready to end it all that day. And God and I were not on good terms!

That Christmas, which was always my favorite time of year, I was shopping with my mother. She was doing her best to cheer me and I told her I wasn't celebrating Christmas, no decorations, no tree, nothing. I hid tears and she said "by next Christmas, God may send someone into your life". Oh I was so hurt and angry at the same time, I almost wanted to strike out at her! She didn't understand, she didn't see my pain and I didn't want to hear about God. By next Christmas there was a man in my life, I man I call my husband. I told all of that to say this, I don't know how old you are. I don't know about your life or your past. And I know feelings are a very, very, strong thing. But you can never win against God. He always, always, always has your best interest in view. He knows what is ahead. I was headed straight into a life with an alcoholic for a husband that a serial cheater and liar and I believed that was best. But for a praying mother, that would be my life today. God wants SO much better for you than you can ever imagine for yourself. But you have to surrender to His will. And my friend, you will never be happy and whole until you do. Satan will lie to you, tell you everything you want to hear. I'm just saying, pray about this with an open heart to hear God. Just maybe, like me, what YOU think is best really isn't and God sees around the corner where you don't. That's part of my testimony, I felt to share with you. Blessings!

"What's so horrible about being seen as female"

You just asked the golden question that I didn't know needed asking. This is my favorite question makes this whole endeavor worthwhile.

I do believe the excruciation comes from being reduced in masculinity once called girl. Females have inflections, body language, female grooming patterns like hair and nails. It's disgusting to me? Like a like or dislike for food some things you're never going to choke down. If a male was called a girl, all he was told, all the time -seriously, it would hurt. The majority of men if forced into a dress would at least complain. As a kid I would sit like a male and my grandmother would try to get me to cross my legs and I never would it freaked my soul out even as a kid.

Let me get into wild territory lol. Stereotypes and Majorities.
Why don't more men wear dresses? Because they aren't that "type" of man. Beer, trucks, not flowers and pretty things. I'm a "type" of male. Not to offend people yes beer and trucks are for women too, likewise flowers for men, but women? ...you'd probably want a prius and white claw or some fruity drink. Woman are so weeeiiirrddd I can't lol.

This is getting hard to explain, I'm aiming for the stereotypes but I don't think I have examples. Prius and white claw are for men too so how is everything not for everyone, yet there are stereotypes, a majority of men wouldn't be happy in pink for example why? Is that not reserved in current society as a majority female expression?

So I feel God's timing for this question is perfect. I just got back from the notary two days ago with my will and advanced directives and the notary, she hands me a floral sparkley pen. I was like, um can I use your black pen? She laughed and said her husband wouldn't touch it either lol. LMAO exactly! It's just gross disgusting revolting intolerable.

So it's the fact that I've ever been associated with as female that permanently makes me want to die, because God can erase it all in heaven. It's the shame, the humiliation of being ever associated with females and femininity, when I am so clearly male and deserve to go to men's Bible study not womens!

"And why does how people see you matter so much to you?"

Man another golden question!!! I'm so happy to answer this one. Because they are "calling me names" might as well be calling me garbage all the time or just insert something horrible.

I wouldn't care so much about what people thought if my pain would simply disappear when called that. I'm fighting for my masculinity to be seen, the majority of men are masculine the majority of females are feminine. So I refuse to be buried alive. Thus I correct misgendering regardless of how they choose to see me in the end.

To a certain degree I don't care what people think because they don't have to walk in agony they're just like "Give your soul to God and you will be female" like it's easy. The people that say I need time and healing don't know I'll never change because to me my pain is not a sin. I can see my chest looking down to type this and yeah God just let me die.

Chest surgery is $15,000ish
Bottom surgery $25,000-75,000ish

I'm not even working because I'm so suicidal so it's not like I'm ever going to be able to afford these surgeries on a 7-11 income anyway.
In response to my childhood pain of my chest
"To a degree, yes. Something initially started it and it was reinforced by your thoughts."

Explain how it all went down in my mind? How do I ask. Kids are innocent. I definitely didn't choose to start having problems with my chest. I think your comment needs so much more elaboration of how that could happen. I wouldn't cross my legs like a girl as a kid either, freaked my soul out. There's too many symptoms for you to explain it all away.

Hi there, wow yeah I live in psalms lol. Psalm 6, 22, 88, 102, 116, 143. I have "Psalm 139" tattooed on me. I really liked the Psalm you found!

Praying you get therapy that doesn't support the lies on this topic but helps you to understand you've got a mental health condition. Hopefully they can help you to accept yourself, just as God created you male or female, whichever you were born.

Psalm 139:7-12

Psalm139:14

Psalm 116:7~ Return to your rest, O my soul, For the LORD Has been good to you.

That's not how a man deals with it. Men are big wimps about emotional pain.

The men I know deal with emotional pain by pretending it doesn't exist. They deliberately ignore it and hope it will go away soon.

Women are much better at dealing with emotional pain. They take it head on, dwell on it, discuss it with their friends and anybody else and generally take care of it. They aren't near as much wusses as men.

If you're going to be a man, take care of your emotional pain like a man. Be a big wimp.

Freud literally created talk therapy

I clipped the section, but if I were to summarize everything you said there basically the reasoning sounds something like, I'm disgusted by stereotypically feminine things even though those things aren't limited to being exclusively the province of females and females can be into more masculine stuff. You never fit the girl stereotypes (neither did I for that matter) so you never felt like a girl.


If God can erase all that shame and humiliation (and he can), he can do so on earth. You don't have to be in heaven for him to erase it. And though your feelings and pain are clear to you, you struggled to give examples of what it is that makes you feel male so it probably isn't nearly as clear to other people as you think it should be? Even if it is clear that you want to be accepted as one of the guys.

Sounds like the issue then is the constant pain in your heart / soul. It's doubtful surgery would fix that, but that doesn't really even matter if you can't get the surgery anyway. Does your pain have to be a sin for you to ask God to take it away from you because you don't want it anymore? Do you think God only cares about the sin in your life and not the whole person? Supposing everything you think is correct and you were dealt just a spectacularly bad hand in life, what are you going to do to make the best you can of what you have? Because your future is in your hands and while you may not be able to decide what hurts and what doesn't, you can decide not to let the pain stop you and build up a tolerance to the pain so it becomes less crippling over time. If nothing else, try volunteering at an animal shelter or something. Animals don't care about the gender of their humans, they just love any human that will take care of them and show them love. Though it's tough getting out, having something to do other than sit and brood over the pain in your heart would probably do you a lot of good.

I'm gonna take a stab at this too, but first I want to say 1) asking about cause or initiation doesn't mean it was something you consciously chose or did and doesn't imply that your current pain is in any way your fault 2) I have no professional training so take all of this summary as things to discuss with God and a therapist if it hits home.

So far from the things you've said I've kind of gotten this picture of your view of your childhood: All the men ignored you, probably because you were a girl, and your grandmother had very strict and restrictive standards for what it meant to be a proper woman. So being a girl brought a lot of hurt and rejection and if only you could be as masculine as a boy you'd be accepted by your father figures and free of the burden of the many restrictions on your behavior. Being a boy meant you could sit how you want, wear what you were comfortable in, do all the cool stuff that the men got to do while you were stuck at home, etc. I think the intensity of your feelings indicates there's more to it than this, but I also think that this dynamic could help explain how you learned as a young child that female was something that kept you from being yourself and masculine was something that could bring you acceptance. So now as an adult you want nothing to do with anything girly and want to be seen as masculine.

Maybe I'm way off or mixing some of my journey in with my thoughts, but if that helps illuminate the how things that happened as a small child could grow into current attitudes hopefully that's helpful.

He got the idea from watching women though. You think a mere man would invent something like that on his own?

Greetings, thanks for taking the time to go through my post. So my dad may have ignored me, but considering how many dads abandon their kids there should be more of us transgenders I would think, just to start. Besides I started screaming at age 5 in dresses. Before he had the chance not to play with me. I was around 8-11 when that was going on consciously. I grew up thinking I was a girl because "transgender" wasn't around yet. If what you're saying is true, that it's my dad's fault, shouldn't I have sought manhood while he wasn't playing with me and into my adulthood? I thought I was butch lesbian at first. Then I found out through a transgender friend that a male can be born into a female body and I was like dang that's me, except I didn't think I could live up to "he". Ain't that every man's worst nightmare? Now I'm 11 years into the future, totally filling my male shoes by taking care of my family and friends emotional needs as I am a psych major, bachelor's in psychology.

"All men" did not ignore me. I had male and female friends, but mainly male as a kid. Masculinity did not bring me acceptance, I fought then as I fight now. Besides, I didn't have to train myself to like masculinity so that I could get accepted. I just always always was masculine.

"Though it's tough getting out, having something to do other than sit and brood over the pain in your heart would probably do you a lot of good."

Yes and no. Yesterday I spent all day up on this site releasing and arguing my pain. People like you ask good questions and when I can answer them it gets me so happy. I don't have any energy to volunteer too suicidal. Dealing with the pain directly since it's excruciating and ignorable really lifts me up. I was sitting around waiting for people to blame my dad. If I was a girl I would have just cried at not being accepted and moved on with dad issues not gender issues.

"Supposing everything you think is correct and you were dealt just a spectacularly bad hand in life,"

thank you lol. A "spectacularly bad hand" yeah like God took a fast cheetah and caged it it's whole life.

"what are you going to do to make the best you can of what you have?"

I am blessed to not have to pay rent. I've got a friend who's absolutely tortured (sleep paralysis, seeing demons and scary things just for one example) and taking care of them and keeping the phone right next to me in case she needs something makes it better except it's a suicidal trying to help a suicidal lol what can you do.

"Because your future is in your hands and while you may not be able to decide what hurts and what doesn't, you can decide not to let the pain stop you and build up a tolerance to the pain so it becomes less crippling over time"

After 11 years, the pain never stops it has only gotten worse. I will never build a tolerance to being called she. Nice thought though. I wish lol. Actually I went three days at work when I worked without being misgendered. My mustache had grown in, I thought my battle was over. Then when the next time someone called me she, I was beyond devastated. Should have never let myself dream like that.

"Does your pain have to be a sin for you to ask God to take it away from you because you don't want it anymore"

So just to clarify never saw my pain as a sin, but I think what you are saying is have I asked God to take my pain away? Yes since coming to God 5 years ago. Psalm 6, 88, 102, 22, it's all I do actually.

So how (on earth) is God going to erase my history of ever being called female?
I assume you mean making me "whole as female". Not gonna happen.

Thanks again for all your time

Yes he watched women, but he invented a therapy for all in the end. Men not talking about their problems is directly affected in today's society by people like you trying to police people into sucking it up when they could be brainstorming and problem solving.