WWJD

Well I know it's hard, just remember besides always showing love, you must change yourself first before you can expect a change in her. So...no more porn, ever. She needs to see the actions that you belong to Jesus before she will accept him. She just sees a man who is like all the rest.

Change your heart and you will change her mind.

I read both your entries, in the family forum and here. I was sexually abused from before I can remember until I was 21. It took me a very long time to realize that NO man can save me, whether he is christian or not.

Only Christ can save me and take away the pain I feel inside. You are trying so hard to save her, even using Christ or religion to do so. You can't do it.

You said you had a fairytale life. Well she wanted that, she thought such a life and the person who brought it to her was going to heal her and save her.

You said you are calm you are in control and she is the evil one. Well if you go through the scriptures it is those who are really hurting, and considered the "non worthy" in life that Christ came to save. He does of course want to save everyone, but some people have such a good life they don't feel they need Him. Meanwhile those of us who can't take life anymore and self destruct away need Him.

As hard as it is, you can't make her come to Him, but Christ has never failed to reach out to those who really needed Him. I cannot say how or when, but He does come. Meanwhile, learn about Him by opening up and reading some of the scriptures and you will know what He has done and how He has come to save us.

Bless you!

[SUP]7 [/SUP]“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. [SUP]8 [/SUP]For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. [SUP]9 [/SUP]Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? [SUP]10 [/SUP]Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? [SUP]11 [/SUP]If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! [SUP]12 [/SUP]Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
Matthew 7

[SUP]13 [/SUP]Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, [SUP]14 [/SUP]but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”
[SUP]15 [/SUP]The woman said to Him, “Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw.”
[SUP]16 [/SUP]Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come here.”
[SUP]17 [/SUP]The woman answered and said, “I have no husband.”
Jesus said to her, “You have well said, ‘I have no husband,’ [SUP]18 [/SUP]for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; in that you spoke truly.”
[SUP]19 [/SUP]The woman said to Him, “Sir, I perceive that You are a prophet. [SUP]20 [/SUP]Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, and you Jews say that in Jerusalem is the place where one ought to worship.”
[SUP]21 [/SUP]Jesus said to her, “Woman, believe Me, the hour is coming when you will neither on this mountain, nor in Jerusalem, worship the Father. [SUP]22 [/SUP]You worship what you do not know; we know what we worship, for salvation is of the Jews. [SUP]23 [/SUP]But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. [SUP]24 [/SUP]God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”
[SUP]25 [/SUP]The woman said to Him, “I know that Messiah is coming” (who is called Christ). “When He comes, He will tell us all things.”
[SUP]26 [/SUP]Jesus said to her, “I who speak to you am He.”
John 4

Okay so I may be 16 and not know about a healthy marriage because I've never seen one within my family, but I can say one thing. It's hard for children when a parent is an alcoholic. I believe my dads alcoholism was the sole reason for why my brother is heavily into drugs. It's extremely hard dealing with a drunk parent and it's difficult to love them as much as you should. That being said its also really hard when parents get divorced if you feel like they didn't try their hardest to stay together. So be honest with your wife and talk to her.

Does your wife have friends she can talk to? Insecurities run alot deeper than it happening, in my opinion she may feel unworthy of the relationship because of what happen to her. Some woman blame themselves for what happened and think that they will never be pure enough for anyone else she is saying that nothing is wrong? Then ask her why the distance and drinking? It may be to hide feelings or to bring them out, that is a huge problem. I feel for your children, no child should hear such things from their mother, they should be enough for her to love life. Giving her heart to god is going to take time, as a questioned that pops to mind is where was he when that happened? Why didnt he protect me then? Please have patients with her? She will find her way, it may take longer for her unlike you, but with love and patients she will find her way.

I prayer that god watches over you and your family

I think the key here is to be persistent with her and prayer. If you need to keep hugging her, keep doing that. If you need to keep praying for her, do that. No matter how or what state her mind is in about your marriage, she sees that you care and that youre reaching out to her. As you said, shes hugged you back. I think that says a lot right there.

Again thank you all for your replies, I really do appreciate them.

Well to answer 'findingmyway's question about friends. Well right now all her friends that she confides in are also her drinking buddies.
Sltbo 1, I'm sorry that you had a life like that, I too have a 16 year old daughter. Difference is that her mom is rarely home. She's usually within earshot, but at neighbours houses or in my garage. My kids don't really experience her drunkeness because it will usually be more noticeable when everyone is sleeping. My kids just see all the anger and the disrespect towards me. She is always in such a hurry to leave the house.
Today my Christian buddy rebuked me, telling me that I need to put all my trust in God and not to judge her because it was not my place.

He asked me what I was doing for God...I was stumped :/ ..all I could say was that i am trying to be good to everyone..apparently that was the wrong answer. Then he told me that I should pray to God to give me a spiritual stake or something like that. What can he mean? Now I feel like I'm a lot further from God than i should be. I want to please Him, I need God to be proud enough of me that He can enter into my life. I'm still at a loss with my wife., I'm so confused. I do know she loves me...I just think she has a really big issue with forgiveness. A few weeks ago my friend asked her to forgive and she just said that she couldn't.
She is constantly bringing up little things that happened over 15 years ago..I just don't know what to say, or do anymore.

So DON'T talk about God to her!!! To a person who has been through so much as a child it is like shoving God down her throat. God will never pull, push or coerce a person into loving Him. He is God of freewill. It is our choice to choose.

If you have been catering to her every whim I sure hope you didn't do so with your children also as now you have your hands full of very spoilt children including your wife. ewww..

I have been abused in every form possible from a very young age until I was 11 so I know well the feelings but I don't know your wife nor even if I grew up with her could I or you for that matter not even her parents for we all walk our own walk. We have been through so many things personally that the only one who truly knows is God. Sometimes even the person themself doesn't know because as a protection their self defense has blocked their memory.

Sorry but the only answer I truly believe in is God and don't do or say what you DON'T mean. That is offensive and would make her feel like you are patronizing her which is exactly what you would be doing. Be truthful or don't say anything at all.

WWJD? He would be Jesus but we are not so we can't do what JWD. Oh wait, when He wanted an answer he prayed to His father in Heaven. So that is what we do in Jesus name.

In prayer one need never be wordy or precise or even tell Him what we want but tell him the problem. Listen to a child asking a question. They aren't fancy, well educated, precise because they expect you to know but God knows even better than we do because He is all knowing and well able.

Other than day to day just leave her be but let her know you love her. If she rejects you just leave it be and live in God.
People always say 'Let your light shine' but don't do so or sometimes know how to.
Did you ever hear that song 'Leave It There' don't ask me who sings it but it says Take your burdens to the Lord and leave it there.
Many people take their burdens to God and then instantly take it back to try to resolve it themselves but the song doesn't say 'Take your Burdens to the Lord then fix it yourself'
When I have an issue I take it to God, thank Him and go my merry way doing what needs to be done elsewhere. That is leaving it there because I have faith that God is God, the Great I AM who hears us when we call, knows all there is to know, is well able and willing to what falls within His Word. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. It is written.

Back to letting your light shine. Obviously you need a deeper walk with God and don't forget to include your children. Whatever you do don't judge your wife to your children and don't have shame or reproach or any of those negative feelings towards her. Children are very intuitive. If you give up they become quitters.
Believe that God is already working and grow your faith in Him. Ask Him to guide you in your walk and step forth into His light. As you grow in God you also grow in His light that will shine through you so all may see and want to taste of the living waters flowing through you.
God will guide you. Be patient and follow Him. Remember when He talks to you Satan will also as Satan doesn't want to lose your wife's soul but God says that by YOUR faith your wife will also be saved so rebuke the liar and experience the blessed peace in your life. If it falls within God's Word then it is of God but Satan is a subtle deceiver.
He told me my son was a sinful drunk and I told him that God said My sons would walk in His righteousness all the days of their life. Just an example of how to rebuke Him.

Now get into God and let God do what God does best.
Blessings, love and prayers for you and your family.

No matter what comes from all this, and while going through all this, God does Just love you personally and her and all the world, just because of troubles not all see this fact. We all have free choice and many as you are trying so hard, that somehow the back door got left open, and evil has entered, okay, true with all, even the self-righteous. Flesh attitudes is flesh attitudes and does not forgive, nor can it or will it.
Born again is being born in God's Spirit, this gift is a gift from God and is supplied to you at the cross of Christ where He died for you, with your name in mind, when this event of death occurred, back over 2,000 years ago.
So go to God and see Christ's death as your death, to self!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then look at Christ's resurrection as your resurrection. New life in God's Spirit, and see clearly now the rain has gone, it matters not anymore to what is going on, except for at the moment. You are made new in the image of God. Once you have adapted to who God has made you, new, say thank you, for all, whether good or bad, and overcome the circumstances all of them, living above the trash can and eating at the Master's House at the Kings table.
Stay there not in self-righteousness, in humility, praising and thanking God, no matter where you go here on earth.
Praying for God to show you this, and see clearly, to this truth. God's light will shine through you, it will not be you any more.
God will show you, it is not a matter of works at it, it is whether or not you believe God's finished workd for you for new life at the cross or not.

And the prayers of a righteous man shall be heard.
In God's name I rebuke the evil that has taken hold of your wife in the loving name of Jesus Christ who died for All mankind.
Ask and it shall be given. When you pray believe straightway that you have received.
God knows your troubles and seen your struggle and is wanting to answer you. Let go and Let GOD. Give UP! and care for your family and do what needs to be done. Go to work, fellowship with God, look after your home. No more struggling. Sing your praises onto God the most high.
Sometimes when we are lost as to what can be done we turn to the question of 'what have you done for God?' We love and appreciate Him for being Him. We do what is right!

Be blessed!

Dear Daszed
This must be tremendously difficult.Before I dish out advice (advice.is a dime a dozen)
I hope that you have the support you need -from prayerful brothers and sisters especially.
Father God,
I lift up my brothers situation to you.I thank you that you are in control of the small details of our lives as well as the really big, scary things which we have no control over.
I ask that brother dazsed will get the wisdom, strength, support and possibly the intervention of a social worker/counsellor to intervene for the safety of the children.
I ask that brother daszed will turn to your Word for strength and nourishment and have his Christian brothers and sisters come along side him -
Wether it be at church or just on cc.
Father , you restore all things and you bring life where there is death, hope where there is despair and healing and wholeness where there is brokenness.
Please move mightily in this situation -that you may be glorified and that this family may know your goodness, your power and your incredible and eternal love.
I pray this in Jesus holy name,
Amen.

A desire to please is a God-given starting point for your relationship with Him. There will be some friction with the world, and you will have to learn to be just as content in Him during the waiting times as in the growing times.
-John Milton's "On His Blindness"
"When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one Talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest He returning chide,
"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts. Who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly: thousands at his bidding speed,
And post o'er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait."
You do have to ask God to give you a spiritual stake. Be "crucified with Christ". "Not I but Christ be honored, loved, exalted." When you find yourself stressing about not having your wife just keep the mind of Christ. He had to suffer rejection from His own father because the weight of the world's sin was placed solely on Him. You wife is not responsible to you, but to God, and you will have to sacrifice your own wants and desires and "rights" if you are to focus on the Lord. You can't fix her. You have to fix you first. So put yourself on that spiritual stake (which you won't have to stay on because Christ did it all) and listen to God's word (which will require your blocking everything else out and focusing on Bible study).
While looking for the scissors belonging to this gordian knot keep in mind that YOU can't actively do anything. When I was attempting to put aside sexual sin; keep my temper with my mother; and get over distrust of my previously abusive husband I kept telling my accountability partner over and over again that I kept messing up and I just couldn't seem to keep on track. She pointed out to me that I was trying to do everything out of my own power and it obviously wouldn't work. Eyes up there, hon. God can do it.

Welcome to Christian Chat, Daszed. Don't give up. Remember God can change her heart but only if she allows Him to, you cannot change it only He can. God bless.

I have gone through what your wife has gone through and what she is goin through and 7 years on im getting ready to give my all mind heart and soul to god. What helped me was patients, ALOT OF PATIENTS!!!! It is easy to walk away, but there are so much more rewards for the ones who stick around and find deep down the patients your wife needs. Try music with your wife that worship, dance with her so she knows your there, hold her hand as she takes a bottle and silently prey for her. Just keep reassuring her that you are not going anywhere. Love her hard and strong and when she is ready to open up to god she will do it with all her might!!

I really can't express how much I appreciate everyones support in this matter that has got me spinning in circles. I am so glad that i am not going through this alone, and that I found a place like CC where people genuinely care.
I hope that one day I can do for someone else, what all of you are doing for me.
I truly do take everything that is said into my thoughts and actions.

Even though my wife and i are at this point, it just takes a single smile from her lips, to make me forget the hardships and give me the hope to keep going. It is so hard for her to forgive, but to me its as easy as hitting delete on a text message. Forgiven and forgotten. There are times that I'll play a love song and just pick her up and dance with her. I try to let her know that I want to be there for her.
God bless you all!!

what jesus did...

luke 23:34..."But Jesus was saying, 'Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.' And they cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves."