First, thank you for having a forum like this, and please, please forgive the lengthy thread. It isn't really proper to give a snap shot of something without a little context and back story.
I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. I have reaffirmed my faith in my Lord and struggled like most Christians do. I have always managed to find my way out or through issues by seeking God's voice. I find myself in a place where I don't know what to do, how to act, or what is right/wrong, acceptable or not.
I have been married now for almost 19 years. We attend church and he professes to be a Christian.
This is not the first marriage for either of us, and we are a blended family with his kids and two we had together. He came out of a marriage, rather damaged and hurt due to infidelity and the sequela from that dissolusion. We are very different, he a cop, me a nurse, but we somehow manage to make it work. I have endured a lot of mental and emotional abuse over the years, but I always saw it as part of his healing from the ex. I was treated just like her and he always believed I would do the same and was always very jealous and controlling. He had a tough job, and I understood that, truly I did. I believe I was put with him to help heal, but in the process, somehow, I have literally lost the me who I used to be. My family sees it, I feel it and I am lost.
This is the latest issue that I cannot wrap my head around. We had a family dinner, as we do weekly, with his daughter, our SIL, our two grandsons (2 and 4), our two daughters (10 & 12) and my dad (76) with his girlfriend and daughter (also my sister, but that is another story, she is delayed and age 46). So, the two boys wonderful, smart and funny but are maniacs, as little boys are. They scream and yell and run around the house and nobody does a thing. It bothers me tremendously because not one person can have a conversation, eat a meal, play a game or watch a show because they are so rowdy. My husband is usually the loudest of them all right in the middle. My daughter and SIL usually just sit on their devices because you cannot have a conversation. So, last night at dinner, the boys are screaming and loosing their minds and we adults are trying to eat and have a conversation. My dad does not hear all that well, and was trying to hear what our daughter was telling them about an issue. I saw this brewing, and through looks and hand gestures was trying to keep the boys to a dull roar (nobody saw me doing this except my dad). My dad finally said, I cannot hear a thing you are saying over them boys. My daughter (step and age 30) said, "what do you want me to do about it?" He said "tell them to quiet down". About the same time he said that, I had gotten up and headed into the front room. I clapped my hands together loudly to get attention and told them that was enough screaming. Play all you want but stop the screaming and yelling and crashing everything. (My husband told me I went balistic on them, nope, raised my voice and got on them for sure). With that, our daughter got up, took the boys, changed, and went outside to swim, my husband didn't say a word, finished eating and went to join them. The rest of us just sat there looking at each other. Now would come all the passive aggressive treatment. I went outside to try to smooth it over. They said they left so we could talk. What??? She was the informer in this conversation???
So, later that evening after everyone left, I sat and asked my husband, are you still mad at me. He said, I am not mad. I accept the fact you are not a grandparent like me and that is ok. I told him, nobody can have a conversation in this house because those boys are so out of control screaming and yelling. Nobody does anything, and if I finally step up, I am the bad guy. Now, I may not always correct like June Cleaver, but nobody will listen at all if you don't raise your voice. So, long story short, he told me I am not like him with grand parenting, and if those boys want to scream and yell they can do it all they want. He could care less, they go home. Meanwhile, anyone in our home, cannot have a conversation. I said there was no need to carry on that way. What happened to inside voice/outside voice... Isn't it appropriate to allow adults to have a conversation or a meal without kids screaming and throwing a tantrum? He tells me basically I am not a grand parent who likes to deal with kids and "he accepts that about me, why can't I accept him how he is?"
Am I so far off base I forgot that kids were allowed to rule and run every situation or place they exist? Am I so old, I forgot that kids are kids and we are not to control them? I am so confused? He tells me he was fine with everything until I came in and told him how "@#)(@#" up he and those boys are.. What???? Not what I said....
I know this is long, but have I gotten so old and out of touch at age 52 that manners and decorum are no longer accepted? If that were our two girls doing that, he would have taken their heads off. He cannot be bothered much by them and their bickering... Help, Please??? I am desperate... I do not know which end is up anymore.
I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. I have reaffirmed my faith in my Lord and struggled like most Christians do. I have always managed to find my way out or through issues by seeking God's voice. I find myself in a place where I don't know what to do, how to act, or what is right/wrong, acceptable or not.
I have been married now for almost 19 years. We attend church and he professes to be a Christian.
This is not the first marriage for either of us, and we are a blended family with his kids and two we had together. He came out of a marriage, rather damaged and hurt due to infidelity and the sequela from that dissolusion. We are very different, he a cop, me a nurse, but we somehow manage to make it work. I have endured a lot of mental and emotional abuse over the years, but I always saw it as part of his healing from the ex. I was treated just like her and he always believed I would do the same and was always very jealous and controlling. He had a tough job, and I understood that, truly I did. I believe I was put with him to help heal, but in the process, somehow, I have literally lost the me who I used to be. My family sees it, I feel it and I am lost.
This is the latest issue that I cannot wrap my head around. We had a family dinner, as we do weekly, with his daughter, our SIL, our two grandsons (2 and 4), our two daughters (10 & 12) and my dad (76) with his girlfriend and daughter (also my sister, but that is another story, she is delayed and age 46). So, the two boys wonderful, smart and funny but are maniacs, as little boys are. They scream and yell and run around the house and nobody does a thing. It bothers me tremendously because not one person can have a conversation, eat a meal, play a game or watch a show because they are so rowdy. My husband is usually the loudest of them all right in the middle. My daughter and SIL usually just sit on their devices because you cannot have a conversation. So, last night at dinner, the boys are screaming and loosing their minds and we adults are trying to eat and have a conversation. My dad does not hear all that well, and was trying to hear what our daughter was telling them about an issue. I saw this brewing, and through looks and hand gestures was trying to keep the boys to a dull roar (nobody saw me doing this except my dad). My dad finally said, I cannot hear a thing you are saying over them boys. My daughter (step and age 30) said, "what do you want me to do about it?" He said "tell them to quiet down". About the same time he said that, I had gotten up and headed into the front room. I clapped my hands together loudly to get attention and told them that was enough screaming. Play all you want but stop the screaming and yelling and crashing everything. (My husband told me I went balistic on them, nope, raised my voice and got on them for sure). With that, our daughter got up, took the boys, changed, and went outside to swim, my husband didn't say a word, finished eating and went to join them. The rest of us just sat there looking at each other. Now would come all the passive aggressive treatment. I went outside to try to smooth it over. They said they left so we could talk. What??? She was the informer in this conversation???
So, later that evening after everyone left, I sat and asked my husband, are you still mad at me. He said, I am not mad. I accept the fact you are not a grandparent like me and that is ok. I told him, nobody can have a conversation in this house because those boys are so out of control screaming and yelling. Nobody does anything, and if I finally step up, I am the bad guy. Now, I may not always correct like June Cleaver, but nobody will listen at all if you don't raise your voice. So, long story short, he told me I am not like him with grand parenting, and if those boys want to scream and yell they can do it all they want. He could care less, they go home. Meanwhile, anyone in our home, cannot have a conversation. I said there was no need to carry on that way. What happened to inside voice/outside voice... Isn't it appropriate to allow adults to have a conversation or a meal without kids screaming and throwing a tantrum? He tells me basically I am not a grand parent who likes to deal with kids and "he accepts that about me, why can't I accept him how he is?"
Am I so far off base I forgot that kids were allowed to rule and run every situation or place they exist? Am I so old, I forgot that kids are kids and we are not to control them? I am so confused? He tells me he was fine with everything until I came in and told him how "@#)(@#" up he and those boys are.. What???? Not what I said....
I know this is long, but have I gotten so old and out of touch at age 52 that manners and decorum are no longer accepted? If that were our two girls doing that, he would have taken their heads off. He cannot be bothered much by them and their bickering... Help, Please??? I am desperate... I do not know which end is up anymore.
