Help - My husband thinks me and my family are "wacky-bo-bo".

[KristiAnn]

First, thank you for having a forum like this, and please, please forgive the lengthy thread. It isn't really proper to give a snap shot of something without a little context and back story.

I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. I have reaffirmed my faith in my Lord and struggled like most Christians do. I have always managed to find my way out or through issues by seeking God's voice. I find myself in a place where I don't know what to do, how to act, or what is right/wrong, acceptable or not.

I have been married now for almost 19 years. We attend church and he professes to be a Christian.
This is not the first marriage for either of us, and we are a blended family with his kids and two we had together. He came out of a marriage, rather damaged and hurt due to infidelity and the sequela from that dissolusion. We are very different, he a cop, me a nurse, but we somehow manage to make it work. I have endured a lot of mental and emotional abuse over the years, but I always saw it as part of his healing from the ex. I was treated just like her and he always believed I would do the same and was always very jealous and controlling. He had a tough job, and I understood that, truly I did. I believe I was put with him to help heal, but in the process, somehow, I have literally lost the me who I used to be. My family sees it, I feel it and I am lost.

This is the latest issue that I cannot wrap my head around. We had a family dinner, as we do weekly, with his daughter, our SIL, our two grandsons (2 and 4), our two daughters (10 & 12) and my dad (76) with his girlfriend and daughter (also my sister, but that is another story, she is delayed and age 46). So, the two boys wonderful, smart and funny but are maniacs, as little boys are. They scream and yell and run around the house and nobody does a thing. It bothers me tremendously because not one person can have a conversation, eat a meal, play a game or watch a show because they are so rowdy. My husband is usually the loudest of them all right in the middle. My daughter and SIL usually just sit on their devices because you cannot have a conversation. So, last night at dinner, the boys are screaming and loosing their minds and we adults are trying to eat and have a conversation. My dad does not hear all that well, and was trying to hear what our daughter was telling them about an issue. I saw this brewing, and through looks and hand gestures was trying to keep the boys to a dull roar (nobody saw me doing this except my dad). My dad finally said, I cannot hear a thing you are saying over them boys. My daughter (step and age 30) said, "what do you want me to do about it?" He said "tell them to quiet down". About the same time he said that, I had gotten up and headed into the front room. I clapped my hands together loudly to get attention and told them that was enough screaming. Play all you want but stop the screaming and yelling and crashing everything. (My husband told me I went balistic on them, nope, raised my voice and got on them for sure). With that, our daughter got up, took the boys, changed, and went outside to swim, my husband didn't say a word, finished eating and went to join them. The rest of us just sat there looking at each other. Now would come all the passive aggressive treatment. I went outside to try to smooth it over. They said they left so we could talk. What??? She was the informer in this conversation???

So, later that evening after everyone left, I sat and asked my husband, are you still mad at me. He said, I am not mad. I accept the fact you are not a grandparent like me and that is ok. I told him, nobody can have a conversation in this house because those boys are so out of control screaming and yelling. Nobody does anything, and if I finally step up, I am the bad guy. Now, I may not always correct like June Cleaver, but nobody will listen at all if you don't raise your voice. So, long story short, he told me I am not like him with grand parenting, and if those boys want to scream and yell they can do it all they want. He could care less, they go home. Meanwhile, anyone in our home, cannot have a conversation. I said there was no need to carry on that way. What happened to inside voice/outside voice... Isn't it appropriate to allow adults to have a conversation or a meal without kids screaming and throwing a tantrum? He tells me basically I am not a grand parent who likes to deal with kids and "he accepts that about me, why can't I accept him how he is?"

Am I so far off base I forgot that kids were allowed to rule and run every situation or place they exist? Am I so old, I forgot that kids are kids and we are not to control them? I am so confused? He tells me he was fine with everything until I came in and told him how "@#)(@#" up he and those boys are.. What???? Not what I said....

I know this is long, but have I gotten so old and out of touch at age 52 that manners and decorum are no longer accepted? If that were our two girls doing that, he would have taken their heads off. He cannot be bothered much by them and their bickering... Help, Please??? I am desperate... I do not know which end is up anymore.

 

[Ugly]

Your husband is showing signs of abuse because he's an abusive person, not because of a previous marriage.

Abusers have an extremely low rate of change, which is why he isn't "healing".

You marry who a person is, not who you expect them to become, so the idea that he would "heal" from a previous marriage in a new marriage is actually backwards. That's like saying put a alcoholic in a bar so he can beat alcohol.

Your husband responded to you the way he did about this recent situation is a reflection of his abusive behavior, not of your mental state. Emotional and mental manipulation are common traits of abusers, and that's what he did to you.
Using guilt is a part of this as well.

You are responding like someone who's endured abuse for a long time. Questioning yourself and your opinion based off the words of your abuser. A lack of knowing yourself due to always catering to the abusers whims.

I'm afraid the biggest problem you're facing is 20 years of slowly and gradually being torn down resulting in your lack of identity and confidence in yourself at the hands of an abuser.

God did not stick you with him to help him heal, that is just something you told yourself so you could go by your feelings and ignore the warning signs you were seeing.
The healing he needed should have cone Before marriage. And abusive behavior is always a sign to run away from a relationship rather than take it further.

It's a difficult situation you are in. Sadly few are taught these lessons at a young age and often end up learning them after years of experience instead.

 

[Angela53510]

I agree with Ugly. As for the children, even small children can be taught to sit quietly and obey adults. But the parents need to do it, not you losing it when they come to visit. I see this far too much with young children. And it is because the parents read the latest fads in parenting, on-line, instead of getting advice from their parents about how to raise obedient and happy children. Kids who run around screaming and yelling are not having fun! They are being neglected by their parents for not setting limits and boundaries.

You need to leave this abusive situation. Abusers don’t heal, they just manipulate and abuse till there is nothing left of you!

 

[Stunnedbygrace]

So, later that evening after everyone left, I sat and asked my husband, are you still mad at me. He said, I am not mad. I accept the fact you are not a grandparent like me and that is ok. I told him, nobody can have a conversation in this house because those boys are so out of control screaming and yelling. Nobody does anything, and if I finally step up, I am the bad guy. Now, I may not always correct like June Cleaver, but nobody will listen at all if you don't raise your voice. So, long story short, he told me I am not like him with grand parenting, and if those boys want to scream and yell they can do it all they want. He could care less, they go home. Meanwhile, anyone in our home, cannot have a conversation. I said there was no need to carry on that way. What happened to inside voice/outside voice... Isn't it appropriate to allow adults to have a conversation or a meal without kids screaming and throwing a tantrum? He tells me basically I am not a grand parent who likes to deal with kids and "he accepts that about me, why can't I accept him how he is?"

This does not sound like any kind of mental or emotional abuse to me. He sounds like he was being very reasonable and accepting of you and took the boys outside because your nerves had had enough.

I'm not sure why you brought his jealousy and insecurity from his first marriage into this, because it doesn't appear to have anything to do with the story here. (Not saying he wasn't insecure in your earlier marriage, just that I don't see what it has to do with the story you're relating to us here.)

He said he wasn't mad at you. He said he's okay with you and accepting of you. If the noise doesn't bother him, that sounds great to me! All you have to do is say, please take them out or take them downstairs where they can bounce off the walls before my old lady nerves snap!

Boys of 2 and 4 are loud and will be loud and need to be reminded every 2 minutes to settle down. (Especially if there is soda, cake, desserts, etc., at the gathering.)

It sounds to me like your nerves snapped a little at all the boyz noise. It's understandable. I'm 54 and I can't take children like I used to. At least not for as long a period of time. And especially not after I've cooked, cleaned for arriving guests, served, been a hostess to all, and just need to relax for a few minutes!

 

[7seasrekeyed]

sorry you are living this

what bothers me the most in your post is this:

I have endured a lot of mental and emotional abuse over the years, but I always saw it as part of his healing from the ex. I was treated just like her and he always believed I would do the same and was always very jealous and controlling. He had a tough job, and I understood that, truly I did. I believe I was put with him to help heal, but in the process, somehow, I have literally lost the me who I used to be. My family sees it, I feel it and I am lost.

the whole thing but especially the part in bold type

so here's the question. who is going to heal you? do you really think God's plan for you is to loose yourself so an abusive and self centered person can continue to be abusive and self centered?

every single woman who is abused by a man can say 'I have literally lost the me who I used to be'

you obviously know the situation is wrong, the grandkids are spoiled brats with no respect and your husband probably treated his first wife the way he treats you which is why she wandered off (doesn't make that right either, but there you have it)

I'm not going to tell you to leave him because a person has to make that decision for themself and you know what point you are at
and you probably know that it is not going to change. so, then you have to ask yourself if you can live with situation you describe or if you have reached your limit, are able to take care of yourself and leave.

you have described an extremely dysfunctional family where everyone does their own thing and pretends nothing is wrong and if you attempt to bring some 'normalcy' into it, you are shot down because they don't want to deal...they never have

families always have 'stuff' but when life becomes so painful you no longer know who you are, then IMO, you have some deep soul searching to do

I would pray and put time aside every day to do so until you have an answer as to how to proceed

God bless you

 

[tourist]

First, thank you for having a forum like this, and please, please forgive the lengthy thread. It isn't really proper to give a snap shot of something without a little context and back story.

I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. I have reaffirmed my faith in my Lord and struggled like most Christians do. I have always managed to find my way out or through issues by seeking God's voice. I find myself in a place where I don't know what to do, how to act, or what is right/wrong, acceptable or not.

I have been married now for almost 19 years. We attend church and he professes to be a Christian.
This is not the first marriage for either of us, and we are a blended family with his kids and two we had together. He came out of a marriage, rather damaged and hurt due to infidelity and the sequela from that dissolusion. We are very different, he a cop, me a nurse, but we somehow manage to make it work. I have endured a lot of mental and emotional abuse over the years, but I always saw it as part of his healing from the ex. I was treated just like her and he always believed I would do the same and was always very jealous and controlling. He had a tough job, and I understood that, truly I did. I believe I was put with him to help heal, but in the process, somehow, I have literally lost the me who I used to be. My family sees it, I feel it and I am lost.

This is the latest issue that I cannot wrap my head around. We had a family dinner, as we do weekly, with his daughter, our SIL, our two grandsons (2 and 4), our two daughters (10 & 12) and my dad (76) with his girlfriend and daughter (also my sister, but that is another story, she is delayed and age 46). So, the two boys wonderful, smart and funny but are maniacs, as little boys are. They scream and yell and run around the house and nobody does a thing. It bothers me tremendously because not one person can have a conversation, eat a meal, play a game or watch a show because they are so rowdy. My husband is usually the loudest of them all right in the middle. My daughter and SIL usually just sit on their devices because you cannot have a conversation. So, last night at dinner, the boys are screaming and loosing their minds and we adults are trying to eat and have a conversation. My dad does not hear all that well, and was trying to hear what our daughter was telling them about an issue. I saw this brewing, and through looks and hand gestures was trying to keep the boys to a dull roar (nobody saw me doing this except my dad). My dad finally said, I cannot hear a thing you are saying over them boys. My daughter (step and age 30) said, "what do you want me to do about it?" He said "tell them to quiet down". About the same time he said that, I had gotten up and headed into the front room. I clapped my hands together loudly to get attention and told them that was enough screaming. Play all you want but stop the screaming and yelling and crashing everything. (My husband told me I went balistic on them, nope, raised my voice and got on them for sure). With that, our daughter got up, took the boys, changed, and went outside to swim, my husband didn't say a word, finished eating and went to join them. The rest of us just sat there looking at each other. Now would come all the passive aggressive treatment. I went outside to try to smooth it over. They said they left so we could talk. What??? She was the informer in this conversation???

So, later that evening after everyone left, I sat and asked my husband, are you still mad at me. He said, I am not mad. I accept the fact you are not a grandparent like me and that is ok. I told him, nobody can have a conversation in this house because those boys are so out of control screaming and yelling. Nobody does anything, and if I finally step up, I am the bad guy. Now, I may not always correct like June Cleaver, but nobody will listen at all if you don't raise your voice. So, long story short, he told me I am not like him with grand parenting, and if those boys want to scream and yell they can do it all they want. He could care less, they go home. Meanwhile, anyone in our home, cannot have a conversation. I said there was no need to carry on that way. What happened to inside voice/outside voice... Isn't it appropriate to allow adults to have a conversation or a meal without kids screaming and throwing a tantrum? He tells me basically I am not a grand parent who likes to deal with kids and "he accepts that about me, why can't I accept him how he is?"

Am I so far off base I forgot that kids were allowed to rule and run every situation or place they exist? Am I so old, I forgot that kids are kids and we are not to control them? I am so confused? He tells me he was fine with everything until I came in and told him how "@#)(@#" up he and those boys are.. What???? Not what I said....

I know this is long, but have I gotten so old and out of touch at age 52 that manners and decorum are no longer accepted? If that were our two girls doing that, he would have taken their heads off. He cannot be bothered much by them and their bickering... Help, Please??? I am desperate... I do not know which end is up anymore.

I can't really add to the counsel that Ugly has provided. No, kids, no matter the age are to rule over the parents, and yes, as a wife and mother and stepmother you have a right to speak your mind. I believe that the problem is your husband is not listening. There are others in similar situations here so please know that you are not alone. Glad to have you onboard. Welcome to CC.

 

[KristiAnn]

Thank you to all of you, having multiple eyes on any one situation makes for a more clear picture. I know there is no easy solution to this, however, I do know I need some help. I am seeking Christian counseling through our church and am hopeful for clarity. I more than want to change, I HAVE to, it is essential to my mental health. If I am in the wrong, in any way, I own that 100%. I will purpose to seek God even more regularly looking for wisdom and understanding, asking for the Holy Spirit to change me from the inside out. But at this moment in time, honestly, I cannot see up.

My husband is a good man. He worked hard and retired. Together he and I manage the home with girls and kids and jobs still. He does help when needed. It is the personal relationships within the family between him and me and my family that the strain comes. Not knowing what you will wake to, will we be able to be ourselves or just stay out of the way. When you are at a point in your life, where you have more fun and are more relaxed, and dare I say relieved and excited when an individual does not participate in activities and is not around, that lends to some deep soul searching. I love the man, I do. I vowed before God above and all to be there. I think that is why I have hung in so long.

Again, thank you for listening and I deeply appreciate all your responses. God has a plan and will make a way....I just have to figure out the first step.

With warmest regards, Kristi

 

[DDDo]

I have been a Christian as long as I can remember.

You were raised a Christian and have always accepted Christ. You can say that. The people in error are those who insist you have to have a conversion experience and a date when you accepted Christ.

This is not the first marriage

If you have always been a Christian, then you weren't the one who filed for divorce. Else, you do need that conversion experience.

I have endured a lot of mental and emotional abuse over the years, but I always saw it as part of his healing from the ex.

If you want him to treat you differently, then you need to act differently. It's not a matter of not being who you use to be. It's a matter of changing your tactics.

So, the two boys wonderful, smart and funny but are maniacs, as little boys are. They scream and yell and run around the house and nobody does a thing.

Here are a couple of options:

1) Consider that you may be excessively concerned with the noise, especially if they're not frequently eating with you.

2) There are people who refuse to discipline their children. If you can't get your husband on your side with this, do your best to avoid the situation in the first place. You and your dad go outside at first opportunity when they're over.

 

[mcubed]

If you have been married 19 years this is not the first time dealing with screaming children. How did you deal with scream children 19 years ago? Your daughter according to you is 30.... What has changed? Or is the same 19 year old story?

 

[theanointedsinner]

Thank you to all of you, having multiple eyes on any one situation makes for a more clear picture. I know there is no easy solution to this, however, I do know I need some help. I am seeking Christian counseling through our church and am hopeful for clarity. I more than want to change, I HAVE to, it is essential to my mental health. If I am in the wrong, in any way, I own that 100%. I will purpose to seek God even more regularly looking for wisdom and understanding, asking for the Holy Spirit to change me from the inside out. But at this moment in time, honestly, I cannot see up.

My husband is a good man. He worked hard and retired. Together he and I manage the home with girls and kids and jobs still. He does help when needed. It is the personal relationships within the family between him and me and my family that the strain comes. Not knowing what you will wake to, will we be able to be ourselves or just stay out of the way. When you are at a point in your life, where you have more fun and are more relaxed, and dare I say relieved and excited when an individual does not participate in activities and is not around, that lends to some deep soul searching. I love the man, I do. I vowed before God above and all to be there. I think that is why I have hung in so long.

Again, thank you for listening and I deeply appreciate all your responses. God has a plan and will make a way....I just have to figure out the first step.

With warmest regards, Kristi

sometimes figuring out the first step feels like rocket science, but God understands

 

[KristiAnn]

If you have been married 19 years this is not the first time dealing with screaming children. How did you deal with scream children 19 years ago? Your daughter according to you is 30.... What has changed? Or is the same 19 year old story?

Good morning:
We are a blended family, three older of his (now 31, 30 and 28). Our middle daughter has the two boys. She is a good mom but just no boundaries for them boys. We together have two 10 and 12. Our children were never allowed to be out of control, and for that matter, still are not too much. When ours girls were younger, I had to keep them out of the way most of the time. When he came home from work, he is retired law enforcement, he just couldn't deal with screaming kids. We had two living areas and I did my best to leave him alone. Never physical issues, but the passive aggressive subtle hints were fun.

I think that is why I find it so interesting, he plays the grandparent card, says he doesn't care what them boys do when they are at our house, but yet, if our girls get crazy, this is not tolerated for much time at all. Then, because I desire to have a conversation and allow others to converse without having to scream ourselves, I get the "you are not like me, I get it, I accept you are not that kind of grandparent" treatment. I love them boys and play with them when I can, more when he allows someone else in. My role is different, I am more the matriarch of the group, I am usually cooking and cleaning up from everyone else so they can go play and scream. However, we have two other young, very perceptive girls who shouldn't be excluded just because the grand kids are here. They are allowed to play, but generally, because all the attention is focused on the boys, they just go away. I know these are intersting dynamics, and I am trying to juggle and keep everyone appeased.

My most pressing issue, when did the times change so drastically that inside decorum is not practiced. All kids get crazy and yell and are rowdy, they are kids. I get that. But anytime, everytime, in any situation, why? This whole thing started with an adult conversation trying to take place between my dad who is a little hard of hearing and my 30 yo regarding issues of dog heart worms. My dad was getting information from her regarding this and couldn't hear. He tolerated it for a good 5 minutes with the screaming and banging and yelling, then simply said he couldn't hear over them boys. She asked, well what do you want me to do? He said, make them quiet down. So both her and my husband just left so WE could talk...what? The conversation was with her, not me, and you could seriously hear nothing as we were trying to have a meal.

I don't know, maybe as one person commented, I am just old (at 52) and cannot tolerate the screaming boys. We see them regularly and it is always mayhem. I am just of the mind that adults should be able to have adult conversations without out of control screaming. Otherwise, everyone just sits around on their devices looking at each other because they cannot speak and be heard.

Not an easy answer, I know. Just trying to find my way through one of many family issues. This is just the straw that broke my back.

With deepest gratitude for your time and responses,
Kristi