Hello, I haven't been on this chat for a while, but I'm glad to see people being open about their struggles.
Just recently, I was involved with a Christian Online TV Channel ministry, that is currently in a battle between the person I had been hired by to do website work for the ministry, and another person who claims ownership of the original idea and web content when this Online ministry was attempted, and failed, in the past.
The person I was hired by told me that this other person he is in conflict with threatened him in the past because of the loss of his investment of time and money in the previous attempt, rather than forgive him.
Because I had put my whole heart into the project, when this conflict arose almost over night after being with this project for over 2 years, I was devastated emotionally and spiritually. I had hoped that this was going to be my last employment, and ministry for the Lord, before retiring, and had been promised to have a steady income once the channel made income from potential program and content providers who would pay for air time.
So, the stability I thought I was gaining for myself and our family fell through, and left me feeling like a failure as a husband, even though both sided of the conflict told me that I was not at fault for anything, because we have been married for almost 19 years, and we are still just barely making it to pay our rent and most of our other bills.
This has taken a huge toll on my Faith because I now feel like I'm quickly running out of time to get to be the good provider and faithful steward that God had intended for me to be, both in our marriage and in ministry. I have been under attack, as told by the Pastor I was hired by, as well as his ministry, by the devil, but it's engrained deep within my heart because of the many years my wife and I have been going through these kinds of problems which affect our stability, and my Fears that God will be forced to let me go because of my lack of a stable permanent income and a tendency to help others and get hurt in the process. He has another ministry that He called me to since early when saved, and that has been on the back burner for several years, although some work and a book was completed by 2007. I feel that more needs to be done, and I've let that down because of our other problems.
Sorry for the long explanation, but the bottom line is that I have been terrified deep in my heart of losing my salvation because of the intense condemnation I am feeling since this loss of income and ministry occurred, even though I am being told it's no fault of mine. Pastors are telling me that God still loves me, and wants me to trust him, yet my own lack of feeling worthy of all that He has given me, including time to grow and to build a future, which it seems continues to fall short of the goal.
I am continuing to battle these fears which grip my heart - even was unbearably hot today in L.A. where I've been working on a computer application that I wrote for a friend who has a movie studio, and at one point the heat was so bad I was terrified that God may be leaving me to feel the fires of hell! So I cried to the Lord not to give up on me, but to help me get it together, and then, soon later my friend sent someone to pick me up to join him in an air-conditioned place where it was easier for me to work.
May seem like unfounded fears in some ways, but it has literally been terrifying me that there is not much time left for us before the Lord returns, and I wanted to have our lives doing better than we are, financially stable, strong faith, ministering to others, etc... it has been a hard battle to turn my trust to God that He still loves me and wants to help, while I feel so afraid of Him because of my failures or lack of progress. My heart and faith have taken a great toll - from satan, fear, and life's responsibilities that I don't feel completely capable of overcoming because of the fear and terror in my heart.
Just recently, I was involved with a Christian Online TV Channel ministry, that is currently in a battle between the person I had been hired by to do website work for the ministry, and another person who claims ownership of the original idea and web content when this Online ministry was attempted, and failed, in the past.
The person I was hired by told me that this other person he is in conflict with threatened him in the past because of the loss of his investment of time and money in the previous attempt, rather than forgive him.
Because I had put my whole heart into the project, when this conflict arose almost over night after being with this project for over 2 years, I was devastated emotionally and spiritually. I had hoped that this was going to be my last employment, and ministry for the Lord, before retiring, and had been promised to have a steady income once the channel made income from potential program and content providers who would pay for air time.
So, the stability I thought I was gaining for myself and our family fell through, and left me feeling like a failure as a husband, even though both sided of the conflict told me that I was not at fault for anything, because we have been married for almost 19 years, and we are still just barely making it to pay our rent and most of our other bills.
This has taken a huge toll on my Faith because I now feel like I'm quickly running out of time to get to be the good provider and faithful steward that God had intended for me to be, both in our marriage and in ministry. I have been under attack, as told by the Pastor I was hired by, as well as his ministry, by the devil, but it's engrained deep within my heart because of the many years my wife and I have been going through these kinds of problems which affect our stability, and my Fears that God will be forced to let me go because of my lack of a stable permanent income and a tendency to help others and get hurt in the process. He has another ministry that He called me to since early when saved, and that has been on the back burner for several years, although some work and a book was completed by 2007. I feel that more needs to be done, and I've let that down because of our other problems.
Sorry for the long explanation, but the bottom line is that I have been terrified deep in my heart of losing my salvation because of the intense condemnation I am feeling since this loss of income and ministry occurred, even though I am being told it's no fault of mine. Pastors are telling me that God still loves me, and wants me to trust him, yet my own lack of feeling worthy of all that He has given me, including time to grow and to build a future, which it seems continues to fall short of the goal.
I am continuing to battle these fears which grip my heart - even was unbearably hot today in L.A. where I've been working on a computer application that I wrote for a friend who has a movie studio, and at one point the heat was so bad I was terrified that God may be leaving me to feel the fires of hell! So I cried to the Lord not to give up on me, but to help me get it together, and then, soon later my friend sent someone to pick me up to join him in an air-conditioned place where it was easier for me to work.
May seem like unfounded fears in some ways, but it has literally been terrifying me that there is not much time left for us before the Lord returns, and I wanted to have our lives doing better than we are, financially stable, strong faith, ministering to others, etc... it has been a hard battle to turn my trust to God that He still loves me and wants to help, while I feel so afraid of Him because of my failures or lack of progress. My heart and faith have taken a great toll - from satan, fear, and life's responsibilities that I don't feel completely capable of overcoming because of the fear and terror in my heart.
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