Hi Everyone,
I didn't want to take anything away from Lynx's "How I Won At Life" thread, so I decided to write a separate thread here. I've written about this topic before, so I apologize to anyone who's already read my stories.
While of course, I agree that serving is an ideal way to meet people and find your purpose, I also wanted to talk about the serious reality of having to set boundaries and limits in all things. I started out just wanting to serve, but I had no idea how challenging that can actually be.
As a single especially, I would like to say that it is VERY important to protect yourself at all costs, because no one else is going to look out for you. As much as we all want to believe that a Christian atmosphere alone is safe, we also have to do our part to secure our own reputations and well-being.
Here are a few of the problems I've ran into personally or have heard from others (I'm sorry for the very long post, but I feel this is important):
1. I quickly found out that people will sometimes attach themselves to you a little too closely.
As a single person, I felt it was my Christian duty to be available whenever people needed prayer or to talk, and so I would give out my home number. This resulted in a woman calling me night and day (to the point where an elder had to intervene on my behalf), and a man who was addicted to pornography asking if I could meet to pray with him--by myself.
Please note, I am NOT AT ALL saying that these were bad people or necessarily had wrong intentions, but, I had to learn boundaries with which to protect myself. I no longer give out my number, and if someone of the opposite gender wants me to pray with them, I insist that I have a prayer partner with me during that time.
2. People have often used Scripture to try to manipulate me into doing things for them or in a way that benefits them.
This has included asking me to buy things for them, donate to their cause, or change something (beyond reasonable limits) to their benefit.
Sometimes when I have hesitated, people have told me things such as, "You don't have the love of God," "How is it that you've let Satan fill your heart?" and, "You're being stubborn and rebellious and are not listening to the Word of the Lord."
I went through a time of asking God how I could discern whether or not someone's criticism was valid, and, for me personally, I believe that God told me if that person someone had shown that they were just as willing to bleed WITH me as they were to cut me open, I should listen to what they were saying.
I tend to make friends with people who have no qualms about telling me when they disagree with me, so having enough reasonable correction in my life has never been in short supply.
3. You have to look out for yourself, because no one else will.
I have a guy friend who, much like Lynx, used to drive the church van to pick up and drop off kids for the youth ministry. He loved working with kids, but when it got to a point where he was expected to drive several preteen girls to their homes--by himself--he obviously became uncomfortable with it.
The pastors leading this group were young and had a family of their own--their main concern after these events was getting home to their own family, which was understandable--but they also shoved all the after-hours work, along with its risks, onto the single guy with no kids, because after all-- surely he had the time to do it, right?
My friend tried to talk to them multiple times about this, but each time, he was ignored--and wound up quitting a ministry he loved because no one cared about protecting his reputation. Securing your own safety should be a must for everyone, male or female, most especially in our #MeToo-driven world.
I am all for justice for victims, but I also feel just as strongly about people protecting themselves from any false or unjust accusations.
4. People will assume you have nothing better to do as a single, and will try to take advantage of that.
A long time ago, I read a post here in Singles about a woman who wanted to be part of a Women's Retreat at her church. Instead, she was told that all the other women in the group had decided that since this was the only woman who didn't have kids or a husband, she had been unanimously volunteered to stay behind and babysit everyone else's children while they all went to the retreat.
Serving is indeed a wonderful privilege. But, it is VERY important to learn boundaries and discernment so that people will not use you or even put you in harm's way.
Over the years, I was given two raw, honest pieces of advice from those in the ministry that I have found invaluable:
1. You are not called to everyone.
Find out who God is calling you to and what your limits are, and stick to those boundaries as best as you can.
This was truly life-changing for me, because as a Christian, I thought I had to be available to anyone at any time. It took me many years to learn my boundaries, but it has most definitely improved the quality of my life, and of my service.
2. People in pain will bleed you dry, so set limits and stick to them.
Understandably, a hurting person's primary concern is relieving their own pain, and of course, it's our job as Christians to try to help
However, a pastor once taught me that it's also a lot like rescuing a drowning person--in a state of panic, the drowning person might accidentally drown you-- so you must do what you can to ensure that you won't drown first, or you won't be able to help anyone else.
One of the most helpful things I have learned it to always work under some sort of accountability or authority, because this also gives you back-up--and protection--if someone tries to overwhelm you or accuse you of doing something wrong.
What kinds of experiences have you had, and what lessons would you like to share?
I would love to hear your stories and thoughts.
Serving can be wonderful, but I'm also hoping that maybe we can spare a few others some of the grief that others have gone through along the way.
I didn't want to take anything away from Lynx's "How I Won At Life" thread, so I decided to write a separate thread here. I've written about this topic before, so I apologize to anyone who's already read my stories.
While of course, I agree that serving is an ideal way to meet people and find your purpose, I also wanted to talk about the serious reality of having to set boundaries and limits in all things. I started out just wanting to serve, but I had no idea how challenging that can actually be.
As a single especially, I would like to say that it is VERY important to protect yourself at all costs, because no one else is going to look out for you. As much as we all want to believe that a Christian atmosphere alone is safe, we also have to do our part to secure our own reputations and well-being.
Here are a few of the problems I've ran into personally or have heard from others (I'm sorry for the very long post, but I feel this is important):
1. I quickly found out that people will sometimes attach themselves to you a little too closely.
As a single person, I felt it was my Christian duty to be available whenever people needed prayer or to talk, and so I would give out my home number. This resulted in a woman calling me night and day (to the point where an elder had to intervene on my behalf), and a man who was addicted to pornography asking if I could meet to pray with him--by myself.
Please note, I am NOT AT ALL saying that these were bad people or necessarily had wrong intentions, but, I had to learn boundaries with which to protect myself. I no longer give out my number, and if someone of the opposite gender wants me to pray with them, I insist that I have a prayer partner with me during that time.
2. People have often used Scripture to try to manipulate me into doing things for them or in a way that benefits them.
This has included asking me to buy things for them, donate to their cause, or change something (beyond reasonable limits) to their benefit.
Sometimes when I have hesitated, people have told me things such as, "You don't have the love of God," "How is it that you've let Satan fill your heart?" and, "You're being stubborn and rebellious and are not listening to the Word of the Lord."
I went through a time of asking God how I could discern whether or not someone's criticism was valid, and, for me personally, I believe that God told me if that person someone had shown that they were just as willing to bleed WITH me as they were to cut me open, I should listen to what they were saying.
I tend to make friends with people who have no qualms about telling me when they disagree with me, so having enough reasonable correction in my life has never been in short supply.
3. You have to look out for yourself, because no one else will.
I have a guy friend who, much like Lynx, used to drive the church van to pick up and drop off kids for the youth ministry. He loved working with kids, but when it got to a point where he was expected to drive several preteen girls to their homes--by himself--he obviously became uncomfortable with it.
The pastors leading this group were young and had a family of their own--their main concern after these events was getting home to their own family, which was understandable--but they also shoved all the after-hours work, along with its risks, onto the single guy with no kids, because after all-- surely he had the time to do it, right?
My friend tried to talk to them multiple times about this, but each time, he was ignored--and wound up quitting a ministry he loved because no one cared about protecting his reputation. Securing your own safety should be a must for everyone, male or female, most especially in our #MeToo-driven world.
I am all for justice for victims, but I also feel just as strongly about people protecting themselves from any false or unjust accusations.
4. People will assume you have nothing better to do as a single, and will try to take advantage of that.
A long time ago, I read a post here in Singles about a woman who wanted to be part of a Women's Retreat at her church. Instead, she was told that all the other women in the group had decided that since this was the only woman who didn't have kids or a husband, she had been unanimously volunteered to stay behind and babysit everyone else's children while they all went to the retreat.
Serving is indeed a wonderful privilege. But, it is VERY important to learn boundaries and discernment so that people will not use you or even put you in harm's way.
Over the years, I was given two raw, honest pieces of advice from those in the ministry that I have found invaluable:
1. You are not called to everyone.
Find out who God is calling you to and what your limits are, and stick to those boundaries as best as you can.
This was truly life-changing for me, because as a Christian, I thought I had to be available to anyone at any time. It took me many years to learn my boundaries, but it has most definitely improved the quality of my life, and of my service.
2. People in pain will bleed you dry, so set limits and stick to them.
Understandably, a hurting person's primary concern is relieving their own pain, and of course, it's our job as Christians to try to help
However, a pastor once taught me that it's also a lot like rescuing a drowning person--in a state of panic, the drowning person might accidentally drown you-- so you must do what you can to ensure that you won't drown first, or you won't be able to help anyone else.
One of the most helpful things I have learned it to always work under some sort of accountability or authority, because this also gives you back-up--and protection--if someone tries to overwhelm you or accuse you of doing something wrong.
What kinds of experiences have you had, and what lessons would you like to share?
I would love to hear your stories and thoughts.
Serving can be wonderful, but I'm also hoping that maybe we can spare a few others some of the grief that others have gone through along the way.
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