I’ve been going thru a lot lately and I feel like Satan has really been pressing into me hard.
I had gone thru another breakdown with thoughts about my ex btwn Jan 28-feb 9. This time it hit so hard that it affected me more then it has in a very long time.
But yesterday, it ‘broke’, but when that happened, I feel it did something negative to me spiritually and I’ve been really struggling to ‘hang on’ to stay faithful and strong. My faith hasn’t been tested this strongly in years and idk if I’m going to pass this one. It’s just too hard.
I had felt deep peace all throughout last week and a few days ago, but, with what just happened, this feels too hard to handle right now.
Asking for peace, direction and for God to help me to take me out of this slump and let me ‘feel’ better please
Years ago I went through a breakup that not only left devastating impact on me but also put me through years of feeling unworthy after that. I remember one year after the breakup what I prayed and asked God fervently was His strength to forgive my ex (he left me for another woman after almost a decades together). I did not want to have him back in my life, I just wanted to not have any bitterness and self-loathing that would hinder me from loving again one day. It was a long and painful journey. My lowest moments were typically characterised by days of crying. I went to work feeling like a zombie.....I felt numb but then as soon as I reached my room, I fell on the floor weeping. It went on for almost 2 years. I turned to worship/gospel musics to sooth the pain in me. There were also times when I was tortured by my thoughts of "what could've I done" or "why did he do what he did".....I was trying to find "closure" as if he had come to me and explain to me why he did what he did, I would feel so much better. Sometimes, I was filled with anger and hoping that he would get "what he deserved". And to be honest, it was so hard to pray and keep the faith. I would snap at anyone who tried to tell me "that's okay, you'll get a better one" or "c'mon, you're not the only one who got their hearts broken" or "you will feel better soon".....anything like that. It took me about 3 months to realise that I didn't have anybody I could "rely on" and even somebody to vent out to but Jesus. So I did. Instead of "traditional and Christian-like" prayer, I gave God all my disappointment, my anger....I vented....I screamed (silently) at Him....I wept....I said that it is not fair and He could've done something to prevent all of this from happening. I felt relief every time and God never knocked me in the head for doing it. Every time I remembered my ex, I prayed "God, help me with this memory". And He answered! Through encouragement from new friends, peaceful mind (please note I still felt like crap) for always remembering that God is more than able to carry me thru. It was a "one day at a time" journey. And now looking back, I am grateful for how faithful God was during those times. One time I told my friend "you know what, I can't believe I am saying this to you but I am grateful I lost that relationship. I wouldn't have known what it means to be loved by God if I hadn't gone thru that breakup". And finally I realised that it wasn't closure that I needed, it was "revelation".
So yes, you will heal. You will love again. For now, whatever you "feel"....remember, feeling is temporary. It comes and goes as it likes. Your real "battle" is in your mind. Deliberately think about how wonderful you are (I am not good at remembering verses from Bible but there is a Psalm about this), how worthy you are, how different the world without you and how you are deeply loved by the One who gave up His life for you. When you don't feel like praying, keep praying. Don't feel like going out of your room, going out. Anything to not feed on your feelings. You have them but don't let them have you. If you have to cry, cry. If you want to vent, vent. Whatever you do, remember to stay in God's arms. The key is to keep talking with God. He listens. you can trust me on this. I am praying for you too.
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