Marriage Advice - 14 years and harder every year

Hi! New to the forum. Thanks for welcoming me.

I've been married for over 14 years. I had an online affair in 2009-2010. My wife found out at the end of 2010. We worked through our problems at the time. I was repentant and in all of that mess Christ found me. I am so thankful for that. Since then we have continued to work on our marriage and had our share of ups and downs. Recently though things have been getting more difficult. It's felt like we're working against each other. She had to have surgery and I worked my butt off to take care of her and make sure she had everything she needed, while also working my job and taking care of kids, house, etc. She acted like I hadn't done anything special. I cook breakfast for our kids, pack school lunches, mow the lawn, fold and hang laundry, do the dishes, sometimes cook dinner, love my kids. I do everything I can and it never feels good enough for her. Why? Why am I not good enough?

It feels like we're just never making progress. I am working on becoming an elder or deacon in my church and feel like my relationship with God is about as good as it's ever been but my marriage is falling apart. She told me tonight she's sick of trying and is giving up. She says she's not attracted to me and and sick of talking every night. She'll stay married but doesn't want to do counseling anymore.

I know I broke it almost 10 years ago and I take full responsibility for that. How in the world do I put this back together. She doesn't even think I care or am trying and I'm really working my butt off to heal our marriage and show her I love her.

Any advice MUCH appreciated!

Hi! New to the forum. Thanks for welcoming me.

I've been married for over 14 years. I had an online affair in 2009-2010. My wife found out at the end of 2010. We worked through our problems at the time. I was repentant and in all of that mess Christ found me. I am so thankful for that. Since then we have continued to work on our marriage and had our share of ups and downs. Recently though things have been getting more difficult. It's felt like we're working against each other. She had to have surgery and I worked my butt off to take care of her and make sure she had everything she needed, while also working my job and taking care of kids, house, etc. She acted like I hadn't done anything special. I cook breakfast for our kids, pack school lunches, mow the lawn, fold and hang laundry, do the dishes, sometimes cook dinner, love my kids. I do everything I can and it never feels good enough for her. Why? Why am I not good enough?

It feels like we're just never making progress. I am working on becoming an elder or deacon in my church and feel like my relationship with God is about as good as it's ever been but my marriage is falling apart. She told me tonight she's sick of trying and is giving up. She says she's not attracted to me and and sick of talking every night. She'll stay married but doesn't want to do counseling anymore.

I know I broke it almost 10 years ago and I take full responsibility for that. How in the world do I put this back together. She doesn't even think I care or am trying and I'm really working my butt off to heal our marriage and show her I love her.

Any advice MUCH appreciated!

Hello and welcome...

I went through a similar situation when I was married (without the affair). Please don't take my input as personal criticism, but simply as from a brother who is farther along the road. Also, my thoughts are offered on the basis of what you have shared; there are always two sides, and usually much pertinent information that isn't shared.

Put aside becoming and elder or deacon, and refuse the role if offered. You aren't in the right space to take on that responsibility.

Don't assess your worth based on your wife's approval. It sounds like you're doing the right things, so keep on with those.

You can't fix her, so stop trying. It sounds like you two have already tried counseling... was it with a pastor or with an experienced Christian counselor (they aren't the same thing)?

Ensure that you have dealt with your own issues. It is easy to overlook one's own sin in this kind of situation, and to focus on the perceived wrongdoing of the spouse.

The sad reality is that many marriages end because one partner has given up. That happened with mine; the ex stopped trying to improve things and started trying to destroy them through separation and divorce. Pray rather than trying to sort things out with her. There is no guarantee that God will heal the marriage, because He won't violate her free will, but He is still in the miracle business. If nothing else, your relationship with Him will become deeper and more intimate. You will need that deep root regardless of what happens in the marriage.