Marriage problem
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I have a pretty good idea what I would do under these circumstances.
You are right to pray about this through the years even though things continue to slide downhill.
'Good sex' requires the participation of both the man and the woman. Perhaps the bulk of the problem rests with your wife but it is obvious to me that even if that were so you would not be saying those insensitive things that your wife has said to you. The problem, I believe, is not that you lack confidence but rather your wife lacks confidence in you, in this area and probably other areas as well.
Tell her that you are not willing to just remain friends with no sex and that perhaps it would be best for her to up her game. If this marriage fails it would be because she chose to let it fail and not you. Seriously, for starters I would consider a separation at the very least.
Regardless, I hope that you find comfort, support, and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.
You are right to pray about this through the years even though things continue to slide downhill.
'Good sex' requires the participation of both the man and the woman. Perhaps the bulk of the problem rests with your wife but it is obvious to me that even if that were so you would not be saying those insensitive things that your wife has said to you. The problem, I believe, is not that you lack confidence but rather your wife lacks confidence in you, in this area and probably other areas as well.
Tell her that you are not willing to just remain friends with no sex and that perhaps it would be best for her to up her game. If this marriage fails it would be because she chose to let it fail and not you. Seriously, for starters I would consider a separation at the very least.
Regardless, I hope that you find comfort, support, and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.
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Despite the sexual issues, do you love your wife? Does she love you? Do the two of you argue a lot or get along okay? Do you two show affection? Hugs and kisses? For a woman to feel loved, and get turned on, there needs to be affection, communication, a bond beyond the sex. Maybe a weekly date night or a weekend get away would help. Even if you pitch in and do unexpected chores around the house, bring her flowers or little gifts, draw her a bath with candles, and soft music, then keep the kids busy so she can relax, leave her little notes around the house.....in other words, stir up the romance! Have the two of you seen a marriage counselor? Some of them specialize in this kind of thing. If she's got so much sexual tension she is thinking of cheating, maybe she can resolve that with self pleasure for a time. I don't advise divorce at this point because as far as I can tell from your post there has been no scriptural reason for divorce so far (adultery or abuse). No matter the reason, divorce is hard on the couple, the children, even extended family and friends.
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well I'm not a man, but she has more experience than what she lets on
you don't miss what you never had
and what does she mean she was 'turned on' by other men?
and from your post above, doesn't sound like you were quite the virgin either
neither of you have been that honest
sex is not a problem when the rest of the marriage is good, but sex becomes a MAJOR issue when the marriage has problems
honesty, apparently, being one you both have
a man's forum would be good and I don't know why they don't get busy and make one
you don't miss what you never had
and what does she mean she was 'turned on' by other men?
and from your post above, doesn't sound like you were quite the virgin either
neither of you have been that honest
sex is not a problem when the rest of the marriage is good, but sex becomes a MAJOR issue when the marriage has problems
honesty, apparently, being one you both have
a man's forum would be good and I don't know why they don't get busy and make one
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some people probably should
but divorce often just creates luggage that goes along with the person into the next relationship
I see you really thought things through
since you say on yr profile that you are separated, I understand you feel somewhat jaded at the moment about anyone's marriage
but divorce often just creates luggage that goes along with the person into the next relationship
I see you really thought things through
since you say on yr profile that you are separated, I understand you feel somewhat jaded at the moment about anyone's marriage
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K
Sounds like she wants wild, crazy, uninhibited hot sex. Maybe you could work on turning your freak on and up..
Whelp, I didn't expect that from you Lady Blue. What a naughty kitty rofl Orange kitty says let your freak flag fly!! Cracks me up.
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This is probably the last place you should come to for sexual advise... Prayer as you said you have done and a possible Christian sexual counselor might be a place to try.
Half here have not been married or are qualified to begin to give you advise.
I am married but not really qualified in this area to give good advise other than for you to seek professional help for the two of you.
Half here have not been married or are qualified to begin to give you advise.
I am married but not really qualified in this area to give good advise other than for you to seek professional help for the two of you.
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L
I have been married for 23 years, and I can tell ya one thing for sure. Anytime you put two broken sinful humans together for any amount of time and there will be problems. Yea I know they are Christians, sadly that just means people aware of their sin and forgiven of them. Read Romans 8 basically we are carrying around a needful corpse.
If I gave up on my marriage when things look bad as some have suggested I would divorced and miserable, but today I am married and happy with it. Except for physical/ psychological abuse I believe it is possible especially for Christians to work through their problems.
Christ went to the cross to be reconciled rebellious, adulterous lot such as us.
If I gave up on my marriage when things look bad as some have suggested I would divorced and miserable, but today I am married and happy with it. Except for physical/ psychological abuse I believe it is possible especially for Christians to work through their problems.
Christ went to the cross to be reconciled rebellious, adulterous lot such as us.
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K
Just my 10 cents here. Happiness is a choice in life. And that involves sex too. Very few couples have terrific sex lives. Think about it. Every book, magazine,movie, therapist carp on about sex. And you know what? I think these things make us THINK we are not getting what someone else is getting. And something else couples do that hubby and I pledged to never do is talk to family or friends about our intimate life. It's private and personal. We don't joke about it, we don't talk about it with others. I think women in particular have an issue with this. On top of all the movies that sell the idea of men all being fantastic lovers. We're human, intimacy can be awkward to say the least. But because you love that person you choose to try and meet the others needs. Life isn't a movie. And you can have a fantastic man in bed and a jerk during the day. Personally I prefer the other way round!!
Just a little personal story. All the movies and tv shows tell a woman that you'll know he's "the one" if he's a good kisser. Women supposedly just men on that one ability up front. Well when I began dating hubby I had broken up with another guy about a year later. He was shifty and I found out he was cheating on me the whole time we were together. So I wanted to take things real slow and be sure with hubby. We started dating and one night he was dropping me off at my parents place. As I began to leave he leaned towards me and I though he wanted a handshake. So I put out my hand and he tried to kiss it,but I didn't know he was going for that and I think I knocked him in the nose. It was a whole awkward thing. I think I mentioned it to my sister and she said that we didn't see to have chemistry. So ya, we still tell that story today. He still says "why did you ever think I wanted to shake your hand!!?" Ok, so I'm miserable at reading signals, almost as bad as a man it seems. Chemistry, shemistry. That was ten years ago and I love him more today than when we fell in love. Perhaps you're a young couple, yes,sex has it's place. But when a loved one dies, or you're too sick to get off the bed, or some tragedy befalls you,sex will be the last thing you think about. You'll want the love and strength of your partner. Hubby lost his job and has been out of work for two years. He tried everything to find a job, took three and had to leave them they were so horrible. And we were upset, stressed, frustrated, and losing faith. But we talked, we prayed, we held each other together. Now he just found a really great paying job and we're back on track again. We're horribly shallow people sometimes. We think all our needs should be met, even Christian marriage books say it. Unmet needs, expectations. We are taught to focus on the negative. I read about a couple that fell in love during the Holocaust. When they were liberated from the camps they got married. I thought "man, if a couple can survive that, if their love could grow and endure we should never have any complaints about our spouses".
One last point and I'll stop blathering. I watched my aunt die at 43 of cancer. As hard as that was I saw how her husband cared for her during that time. He bathed her, fed her,brushed her hair, and stayed by her side so much that the nurses had to tell us to take him home for a break. He was by her side when she took her last breath. When they said she was gone, he passed out on the floor. Sex is as important as you make it out to be. You seem to be a faithful husband, a good father, attend church, alone. My advice to your wife is to put down the romance novels and see the wonderful husband she has in front of her. So you're not an expert in sex, who is? Tell her to get a pack of batteries and something pink from the naughty store and go to town if she's that bad off. Just a reminder that the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence do to a septic problem. She needs to grow up. Good men are hard to come by, Christian men are even harder to find. I hope she doesn't have to learn that the hard way. Just remember, if she does, that's on her. If she is too immature to know the difference between love and lust, that's her issue. Wish you all the best brother.
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