~Chuckle for the Day~

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Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#301
Aug 13, 2014
27,672
9,608
113
#301
Chuckle for the Day is on the misc. second page? We've got to do something about that!

Here's one for you.

An exploration ship was in the Antarctic and got ice-locked. At first the crew didn't worry too much, just hunkered down to wait it out, but as the weeks dragged on and rations got shorter and shorter they started getting a bit nervous.

Finally the day came when the captain stood before his crew and said, "Men, it has come down to this. I am going to kill myself. You can survive on my body for another two weeks." He pulled a pistol from his pocket and pointed it at his head.

The first mate said, "Oh captain, please don't blow your brain out... that's my favorite dish!"
 
Bingo

Bingo

Well-known member
#303
Feb 9, 2019
9,427
4,831
113
#303
COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS?????
A judge was interviewing a Tennessee woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one coz we don't have a car."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereos. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."


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Bingo

Bingo

Well-known member
#304
Feb 9, 2019
9,427
4,831
113
#304
An official from Starbucks manages to arrange a meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the official whispers,
"Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the Church
if you will change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily Bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'"
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Lord’s Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Starbucks man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son," replies Pope Francis, "It is impossible. The Lord’s Prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."
The Starbucks guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Starbucks respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.
We will donate $500 million, a half billion dollars, to the Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "And some bad news.
The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We are losing the Wonder Bread account."









































































































































































































































































































































































































































 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#305
Aug 13, 2014
27,672
9,608
113
#305
Pfft! Like they are that hard up for money! They could lose the Starbucks account and not blink. :p
 
calibob

calibob

Sinner saved by grace
#306
May 29, 2018
8,268
5,516
113
Anaheim, Cali.
#306
Bingo said:
An official from Starbucks manages to arrange a meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the official whispers,
"Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the Church
if you will change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily Bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'"
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Lord’s Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Starbucks man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son," replies Pope Francis, "It is impossible. The Lord’s Prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."
The Starbucks guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Starbucks respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.
We will donate $500 million, a half billion dollars, to the Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "And some bad news.
The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We are losing the Wonder Bread account."
Click to expand...
Please, stop making huge nearly blank pages.
 
Whispered

Whispered

Well-known member
#309
Aug 17, 2019
4,551
2,230
113
www.christiancourier.com
#309
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"






A dog walked in to the Western Union office one day. He took out a blank message form and wrote on it:

"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, "You know there are only nine words here? You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#318
Aug 13, 2014
27,672
9,608
113
#318
I thought Mary Jane was a redhead...

I could be wrong though. It depends on the director of whatever Spider Man's latest movie is.
 
K

Kim82

Guest
#320
#320
Edit: Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every year James told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.
On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars.
The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree.
The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter.
Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two."
After not getting a reply, he turned and looked about in the helicopter and saw that both Lucille and James had fallen out.
 
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