The Virgin Porn Addict -- Why Do We Differentiate So Much Between Sins of the Heart and the Body?

Hopefully my comment didn’t come across as I view myself as sinless and could do no wrong. I completely agree with what you said here. Women can do things that can make a man feel disrespected in the same way that can cause a lot of pain as well. Guys could have similar dealbreakers such as she puts me down and disrespects me in front of my friends, which can be just as damaging to a man.

I was just addressing porn because that was brought up.

No worries; my post was carefully not aimed at anyone in particular.

Totally get that. Haha.

Just wanted to make sure I didn’t sound like a holier than thou delusional person. 😂

Nope, not at all.

Are there "holier than thou" folks who aren't delusional?

I know for me, I came to a place where I realized I didn’t want to entertain lust because I wanted to honor God and her (future wife). I made it a conviction that I cannot serve blatant sin and God. I choose to honor Him and her. I wanted to make sure to have it under wraps now, and be ready to be faithful to her, not only in deed but heart.

Not everyone entertains things for the same reason. For some people it is just the pleasure of it, for others such as myself at the time it was because of a loss of hope. Thinking I couldn’t ever be loved and I was in despair. But God set me free from that, by His providence and truth.

So if a man caught his wife looking at porn once and she begged for forgiveness, he has a biblical excuse to leave?

So if a man caught his wife looking at porn once and she begged for forgiveness, he has a biblical excuse to leave?

As a virgin, it's a little disheartening to think that my future spouse has probably already had sex with someone else. Maybe even several others. That makes me so sad.

I was taught as a teen in youth group, that once you have sex with someone, you become one with that person. So it kinda annoys me that my future husband might have become one with someone else.

One of the scariest parts of sex for me is that he may compare me to previous lovers. With pornography, well what can he compare? Maybe that I don't look like the women in the videos...which is concerning too. But when the man or woman has already had sex, well there might be more comparison. I'm afraid he might think "So and so was better at this" or "So and so was more pleasing." LOL I feel gross just typing this here but I'm trying to make a point.

With pornography it's just a daydream. With sex, it's actually real and they did become one. That's part of their shared history together. There was touching, kissing, exchanging of fluids, holding, cuddling etc. It makes me so nauseous to even think about. lol But I do agree that pornography and pleasing one self is a sin and should be stopped. I believe they too cause many issues in a marriage.

I'm not saying I judge those who have had sex. I think my hang ups are more my own problem. I am very insecure and very anxious. And very jealous! lol

I have prayed to God about this and he basically told me that I am not waiting for my husband. I am waiting for Him, for Christ. I saved myself because that's what my Father in heaven wants from me. I didn't save my virginity for a man. And in a way, that made me feel much better. It made me realize that I was being prideful. I shouldn't expect something so difficult from my future spouse.

There is no justification for sin, period.

Viewing porn is one sin among many that damage a marriage. It is stereotypically a male problem (though is increasingly common among females), and it is in this context that I'm addressing it. My comments regarding males and females are generalities, and as such, there are always exceptions.

The sin that men commit, such as physical violence and viewing of porn, does damage to their wives, and I'm not arguing that. However, the sin that women commit, such as emotional adultery, manipulation, disrespect, and refusing sex, do damage to the same degree to their husbands. Such behaviour will tear holes in his confidence, identity, and self-worth, and will push him away from you. It is exactly the opposite of the edifying behaviour that would strengthen the marriage.

If you as a wife are watching soap operas, reading romance novels, and "going out with the girls", are you any better than the husband who looks at porn? Are you not looking for something in others that you don't find in your husband?

When we consider the sin of the other person as "worse" than our own, we basically justify or excuse our own; that is not repentance, and it certainly won't heal a damaged marriage. Better that we each look to Jesus, measure ourselves against His standard of righteousness, and seek His help to treat our spouse as He desires.

I agree with what you are saying for the most part Dino, however reading Romance novels, going out with the girls etc is not necessarily sin and could be happening for various reasons, some of them valid in some situations, for example a man may be so pre-occupied with work that he is neglecting his relationship with her.
I also know first hand that a man can be just as guilty of the behaviour you described, it is not only women who behave like that in some marriages.

I think your 'hang-ups' are valid and perfectly understandable 🙂

Thank you, sister! I sometimes get a little nervous revealing how I feel about this topic because I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So I'm glad ya'll did not take it the wrong way.

I know several people that have had sexual relationships, but they are on fire for Jesus. And that's really what should matter most. Where the person is now and not where they have been before.

So if a man caught his wife looking at porn once and she begged for forgiveness, he has a biblical excuse to leave?

So you're saying that looking at porn is the same as cheating?

If so, is wanting to murder someone the same as actually committing murder? Do you think God views actual murder just as bad as someone only thinking about murder?

The covers on many secular romance novels suggest inappropriate content, and "going out with the girls" is a euphemism for drinking and dancing with and enjoying the attentions of other men. Even the Christian romance novels can lead the reader to compare her own husband with an unrealistic, sanitized ideal.

My opening point was that the sin of one person does not justify the sin of the other. It seems like you're excusing the woman's behaviour in a "situational ethics" kind of way; by that logic, the husband of a woman who was unavailable is also justified in seeking other outlets.

However, I'm fairly certain that's not what you're saying. Perhaps you could explain further?