Catfishing in "Reverse" -- Is It Just As Wrong?

Hi Everyone,

I think that most everyone is of the opinion that catfishing -- presenting oneself in a deceitful manner in which they are usually trying to appear better off (whether in regards to looks, success, commitment, etc.) than they actually are -- is wrong.

No one wants to find out that the wealthy, beautiful, devoted person they're talking to is actually not that person at all and, worse, is spinning the exact same fairytale to a gaggle of other suitors.

So what happens if a person actually wants to DOWNPLAY their success? Would this be considered just as deceptive and equally wrong?

I've grown up with a few friends who are classic A-type alphas with go-getter personalities who won't stop until they're at the top of their game. They started out with nothing and, despite the worst life had to throw at them (sometimes all at once and multiple times over), they relied on God to get them through and are starting to see some results.

However, one of the problems they have encountered in the dating scene is that a potential suitor might find out something about them (that they own a business or own their house, for example), and start assuming they are able to spend a lot of money on them, financially assist them, etc.

The ironic thing is that none of the people I know really even see themselves as successful (they just see themselves as needing to apply themselves and work hard), and they talk about what goals they're still trying to meet rather than the ones they've already achieved. As one of them put it, "Owning a business just means I'm responsible for ALL of the bills."

The one thing they're tired of though is having others assume something about them and develop an attitude of entitlement towards them because of it. This has been causing them to significantly downplay (aka, lie) about some of their circumstances until they know a potential significant other is trustworthy, not going to use them for anything, and is going to stick around.

Now I know some people are going to say, "Oh, what a terrible burden to have!!! Whoa is me, what a problem!", but it's still a real issue for some and as Christians, these people still wonder how they can be honest and yet maintain a protective guard, but not miss out on finding someone who likes them just for them.

For instance, let's say that C is 42 and has worked their way up to running a successful administrative department. C's plans include paying off their house (and only has 6 years to go,) then has several other financial goals to meet after that (such as helping family members.)

How would C (who could be a male or a female) approach this when dating? If C states right off that they are the head of a department at an important organization, potential suitors often assume C has money and can easily take them to the best places in town, buy them expensive gifts (or pay things off for them,) and take them on extravagant outings. (And if C DOESN'T do any this, suitors will see them as being "cheap.")

But at the same time, if C just says they work at such-and-such organization, potential suitors sometimes think they are a loser for just being one of the mass drones and then quickly move on.

* If C downplays their position or success, are they being honest?

* If not, what would be the most truthful approach?

* If it were you, would you tell people right away about your situation (when they asked about your job, etc.), or would you wait a while before divulging much information? (What indicators would mean it's the right time to disclose this?)

I know it's a shame that money has to come into play, but the truth is, it does, along with the assumptions it brings. Most catfishing stories are about people who try to present themselves as having something they don't have.

But if someone else has something it will cause problems if it's presented up front, what is the best way to handle it?

Looking forward to your thoughts!

P.S. I should have also mentioned in my post that I have also known business owners who were not only broke but were also deeply in debt, whether because of mismanagement or because they were just starting out and had years to go before they ever turned a profit.

I grew up in a small town where a vast number of businesses failed, leaving the owners in serious financial trouble.

But when most people hear the about someone owning a business, they will automatically think that the person has a storehouse of money, leading to the assumption that the owner has plentiful wealth to spare.

This is a very good question.. which areas should be disclosed up front or held back? Do we just lay it all on the line on the first date? Bottom line for me, I would want her to want to be with me for me... my personality, my heart, and soul. Eternity matters most. I guess at first I would not want to disclose each others positives or negatives and get to know each person for who they are. If there is chemistry, some things can be opened up for discussion over time. It's not a race to get married, love takes time.

My Dad told me a story once that has always been on the back of my mind when meeting people. He knew of a lady who texted and talked on the phone for a year. I don't know if they video chatted or not. She flew out there for a week and the first day and thereafter she had absolutely 0 chemistry with this guy. They were both amazed. We really don't get to know someone until you meet them face to face. Body language, reactions in person, decisions all plays a part in chemistry.

I can tell there are a lot of really nice kind people on this forum. Would we say all of the things we say on here in person? I would hope so... some may not. Some might be more shy in person, or more outgoing. We never know until we meet them. So is there catfishing out there? Absolutely. You can even meet someone in person and they can be deceitful, I know it's happened to me. It's all a risk to find that amazing connection and love. Be on guard and pray for discernment when meeting people.

As far as what people can afford or not afford, we are not entitled for someone to give us what they have. Any gifts we receive are a blessing and not expected. I do not expect any inheritances cause they might need the money when they are in a retirement home. We make our own choices and have consequences good or bad with those choices.

Since it's catfishing in reverse, I think it would have to be called dogfishing..

or a cougar fish? someone who is older than they say?

This reminds me of that movie with Micheal Caine back in the 80's (I think Sally Field was in it, but not sure if that's the same one) where he is tired of women wanting him for his money so one day he meets a wonderful woman and he pretends he's poor and successfully plays it off until he finally realizes that this woman really loves him for who he is. When he finally is ready to ask her to marry him he tells her the truth that he is actually rich and she is pleasantly surprised, but is definitely OK with it. I don't remember the name of the movie.

That's what 99.9 percent of us really want, to love us for who we are with our personality, heart, and soul. I'd rather live in a tent if I knew she would love me for who I am and is devoted until death do us part than a mansion with someone who doesn't.

I used to be like most people, with big google eyes every time I saw a big, blingy piece of jewelry or big, shiny mansions with gleaming, perfectly manicured yards.

As I got older, I started to talk to people about how much they have to shell out for maintenance and insurance costs (as well as umbrellas policies to protect themselves from people trying to sue them at every turn) for all that "luxury" and finally decided that it costs way too much money to have money (or to just look like you do.)

Surrender

A wealthy writer, who has had terrible experiences with money-hungry girlfriends and ex-wives, pretends to be a broke, washed-up novelist, to see if the woman he loves wants him for himself, or just for his money. From IMDB Yes, it was Sally Field

Yup things of this earth will pass away, we all will be in the same place at the end. We all won't be in the same place for eternity, so choose wisely My uncle who was in his 90's before passing away has told me a few times... it's just money. He's so right.

I understand people holding back on divulging their financial status. If certain questions are asked too early, I think that that is a red flag. I male friend of mine met a lady online and they decided to go for coffee. Some of the first questions she asked were, "So what part of town do you live in? Do you own your own home and is it paid off?". When he asked why it mattered she said she didn't intend on spending her retirement in a rental. He smiles sweetly, or so he says, and said that his mobile home was not a rental. It was owned by himself and his five brothers. That was complete rubbish but it had the desired effect.
I think that first you need to see if you are compatible with the other person, and have a connection. Then I think it is important to talk about your attitudes towards finances. Are you more prone to spend or save? Is the other person heavily in debt? Are you? If they are, what got them there and what are their plans to turn it around? Are they charitable? Are they greedy? I think that that is much more important than whether they own a car or vacation in St.Tropez.
A relative of mine lived with and then married a fellow that always had a plan (slightly shady) for get rich quick ideas. He thought he was smarter than everyone else and threw money at these ideas. She went from working one job to two and then three to cover his debts. He would rack up credit cards, she would cancel them and pay them off and he would find a way to open them again. She had worked for years to buy a sweet 1930s cottage that she restored. She worked so hard on it. She lost it because of him. He never apologized. it was always someone else who failed and not his refusal to control his spending. This is why you need to understand each others attitudes and behaviours towards money.
Whether you are struggling, managing or comfortable I think the other person is not owed your bank statement. If you are thinking about a future together you need to be honest about issues that will affect the other person, (debt, bad credit, liens on property, lawsuits). If they marry you, they could be on the hook, but otherwise you have a right to your privacy.
I'd say don't lie, but just know that their questions do not oblige you to answer.

I see that as a form of protection to withhold such information early. There are tons of leeches out there and people who will pretend whatever is required of them to be with someone who has money.

Really it comes down to motivation. Catfish generally are not doing what they're doing for any healthy reasons. Not all are malicious but none really have a valid reason.
But in a case like this it seems to make sense to ensure who ever you're with is with You and not what you have or can give.

ok this is far too much analysis going on here.
I am lost, what are you all going on about?

I dont work at a bank or in accounts or a financial advisor so what anyone elses finances are is not actually any of my business. If nobody is in debt to me and I am not in debt to anyone else, then I consider that financial freedom.

I used to count tithes at one church, because they needed someone to count them. I didnt like the duty cos I wasnt very good at it, but I never judged anyone for the amount they gave. Even if they wrote their name on the cheque it was none of my business. God would direct where the money went for His kingdom purposes. Nobody kept a thing where any members income was declared such and such and they had to give a percentage of their income.

I did a certificate in money management but that was just to learn how to manage my finances and there are things people need to be aware of in terms of saving or spending money but that just what people need to learn in life to be smart about it but not let it take over. if you risk a lot you could gain a lot but you can also lose a lot. In terms of investment I would rather see grandparents invest in their children or grandchildrens education then spend it on themselves but you cant tell people what to do with their money..as its theirs. God will see whether you use it for enrich other peoples lives or not.

This thread is reminding a lot of people of movies... it reminds me of a short story from O. Henry, "While The Auto Waits."
https://americanliterature.com/author/o-henry/short-story/while-the-auto-waits
In short, a guy and girl meet at the park. The girl is very haughty, rich, etc. and the guy is a regular ghetto joe, but they have a light conversation. After the girl leaves the guy follows a discreet distance behind and watches the girl duck into a cheap restaurant, change clothes and take her place as a cashier. The guy ponders this for a moment, then steps around the corner, slips into the back seat of his expensive car and tells the driver to take him to the club. They were each pretending to be what the other was.


I think "catfishing in reverse" is a bit of a misnomer. (Y'all are probably getting real tired of me saying this, but) as with so many other things, it comes down to motive. Somebody who intentionally does not talk about the money he has or the business he owns is not doing it to get something. He (or she, but I'm using general "he" for convenience... before somebody gets on my case about assuming I'm MGTOW about this matter) is focusing on other things, his and her personalities, their respective moralities and ethics, things that matter more. Calling it "catfishing in reverse" makes it sound like the wealthy person has some unethical motive.

Personally I think it makes good sense. You get what you advertise for. If you advertise you got a lot of money, you'll get somebody who wants a lot of money. If you advertise your body you'll get somebody who wants you for your body.

ok just reading the OP thread again my thoughts are you worry about this kinda stuff too much. Dating sounds like too much of a drama for you, maybe take a break from it. Theres a lot more important stuff God has got for you to focus on I reckon. Maybe instead of focusing on trying to kick start your own family think of the family youve already got.

Catfishing, not catphishing.

From Urbandictionary:
On a side note, never, ever, ever go to urbandictionary without wearing blinders!

The term "catphish" is a portmanteau of "catfish" (somebody pretending to be rich or physically attractive online to get an internet romance) and "phishing" (somebody trying to scam you out of your money.) Thus "catphishing" would be somebody pretending to be rich or physically attractive online to start a relationship with you, with the aim of getting you to send them money.

Should you tell her? I can't tell her, she can't see what I say. But if you tell her, it will totally shatter her illusions. Maybe that's a good thing... Or maybe just let her keep her illusions? There is enough disillusionment in the world as it is. Yeah, don't tell her what a lot of people are really like.

No worries Lanolin. I haven't been part of the active dating scene for several years. I have plenty in life to keep me busy.

If I run into a special someone, great, but if not, rest assured that God has given me plenty to do.

I do talk to a lot of other actively searching singles though, and the topics I write about are some of the things that come up in those conversations.