Catfishing in "Reverse" -- Is It Just As Wrong?

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love_comes_softly

Well-known member
Feb 13, 2019
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501
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#21
I would not fault a guy for not talking about his financial situation in the getting to know you stages of dating.

There is a fine line between not talking about it or playing down a role and lying. I think someone could avoid the conversation without outright lying or making up a whole different story/career. Lying is never good in any relationship.

I would however, expect him to be honest as things progressed and got deeper. I wouldn’t ever want to know specifically what someone makes or anything like that, but I would want to know what they do.

I know some people are not good judges of character, but I do feel like you should know pretty quickly whether someone is with you for the right reasons.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
12,327
6,484
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#22
As usual, Seoul, you've given us food for thought. :)

I suspect that riches would a hindrance to finding a genuine partner. If you open up too early, or live a lifestyle that says, "Successful!" you will attract gold-diggers. If you play your cards close to your chest, you might attract some well-intentioned person who then dumps you for "perceived" dishonesty.

That said, if I were among the more wealthy, I'd play my cards close. My finances are nobody else's business until and unless the possibility of marriage is on the table. At that time, when the relationship is fairly firmly established, a couple needs to have an open, honest conversation about their status and assets/debts. Their relationship with finances would likely be evident already.

One comment on presenting yourself to others when seeking a partner: the bait you use largely determines the fish you catch. ;)
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
5,012
1,969
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#23
No worries Lanolin. I haven't been part of the active dating scene for several years. I have plenty in life to keep me busy.

If I run into a special someone, great, but if not, rest assured that God has given me plenty to do.

I do talk to a lot of other actively searching singles though, and the topics I write about are some of the things that come up in those conversations.
ok I gotcha.

as for the 'reverse' catfishing well, it does remind me of maybe Paris Hilton wanting 'the simple life' but just who is she trying to kid? Or people who wear jeans with holes in them already made. You want to look poor and ragged but those jeans are designer.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,232
1,261
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#24
I think most any fact you learn about a person's living style and situation could lead to assumptions about how much money they have and what they should or shouldn't do for you? While it can be tempting to hide or misrepresent your profession, position, income, etc. because of how it will affect other people's view of you, to outright lie about it is wrong. At the same time to be vague, especially on the first date or two when you're looking to discover personality and lifestyle rather than what sort of financial situation you'll be in if you marry, is perfectly acceptable. So a simple, I work in IT or I work at the local grocery store is perfectly acceptable whether you own the business or you just stock merchandise. While I try to be a bit sensitive to those in difficult or desperate situations that don't have good answers, if someone seems too interested in my finances too early on that would be a red flag for me. Because the relevant information about this person's attitude toward money and finances should become apparent as you spend time with them.

The one real life example (about time spent together revealing attitudes about money) I can think of off of the top of my head (which is completely not dating related) would be a former co-worker that I became friends with. We hung out, outside of work a few times and just in conversation and the times we hung out, it became apparent that she spent money very freely and since it seemed unlikely she made much more than me and was married (husband was in grad school at the time), renting a much bigger place, commuted much farther, and a few other things that I knew about her life; I suspected she was swimming in debt (or else still financially supported by extended family members). If she'd been someone I was dating I would have probably started some sort of conversation about budgeting or money management and ended things if that didn't go well.

Similarly no one has to be around me or my spending habits for very long to discover that I'm much more comfortable giving money away to a good cause than spending it. I'm never going to be a big spender and I'm not going to be staying with someone who is ( that may make me one of the few women on the planet who might break up with a guy for spending too much money on me). I may be learning to acknowledge that God has blessed me with enough by changing my words from "I can't afford it" to "I choose not to afford it".

But a large part of a person's financial situation is determined by the choices they make about their money rather than the money they have. When I looked for a place after getting my current job, I pretty deliberately decided to rent a place the was cheap rather than a nicer one that was more expensive. I could easily be paying $200-400 more per month in rent and over the course of the 3+ year's I've been here, well that $200 per month would add up to $7,200 out of my pocket, that's starting to be real money there. I also made a choice that the only in home entertainment I would have would be internet and amazon prime. So my streaming entertainment choices are limited (and I have no cable TV service). Living within those limitations might make a date think I am much pooer (ok great typos don't get deleted but that's supposed to be poorer) than I am, but I don't think I want to be with someone who doesn't hold similar financial values (and definitely don't want to be with someone who will spend us into debt faster than I can make it).

So to be perfectly blunt, your income doesn't give you any obligation to live a certain way or obligate you in any way to your date (though if you make significantly more than your date but make them pay for everything over multiple dates, you're a total jerk and deserve to be dumped). If your date is under some delusion that they deserve your money because you have some money and went on a date with them, they're probably not the kind of person you want to keep dating.
 

Tinkerbell725

Senior Member
Jul 19, 2014
3,882
904
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Philippines Age 40
#25
Pretending to be poor to avoid gold diggers seems to be a good idea. But it is still bad. Honesty is still the best policy. Ideally, money should not be a hindrance in finding a partner but in reality, it makes falling in love harder.

Personally, I will be hesitant to have a relationship with someone rich. I am not rich but I am not also poor. I don't have the time and energy for a husband and in laws who will look at me as a gold digger. I would rather choose an average guy and be rich together later.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
15,355
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#26
Wait, which one are we talking about here?

seoulsearch did you mean pretending to be poor? Or did you mean just not mentioning money on a first date, and changing the subject if it is brought up? I thought it was the latter.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
5,012
1,969
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#27
Well we can all learn from the Gibeonites.

See Joshua 9

This topic made me think of Tori Spelling for some reason. If you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth its hard to go plastic. But she's trying.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
11,965
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#28
Wait, which one are we talking about here?

seoulsearch did you mean pretending to be poor? Or did you mean just not mentioning money on a first date, and changing the subject if it is brought up? I thought it was the latter.
Definitely more of the latter.

I've never read the book The Millionaire Next Door but it's apparently about everyday people who don't flaunt what they have.

When I wrote the thread, I wasn't thinking of people pretending to be poor, though that could definitely apply to the discussion.

Rather, I was thinking of people who feel a need to be guarded about what they have because of people treating them differently because of it.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
15,355
3,018
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#29
This topic made me think of Tori Spelling for some reason. If you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth its hard to go plastic. But she's trying.
Nice quote. Kind of like, when you're used to broadband it's hard to go dialup. :p
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
5,012
1,969
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#30
then you ought to read Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan. Its a novel but he did kinda base it on his own life.

Singapore has some serious billionaires. Theres also 'new money' vs 'old money' and all sorts of social awkwardness ensues. It's Pride and Prejudice, the updated Asian version.

If you are living the Jane Austen life, you dont really need to marry, you just write about your rich relatives and their shenaigans and you dont really need to upgrade or downgrade whatever lifestyle you are accustomed to as your family dramas is entertainment enough.
 
Feb 16, 2020
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#31
Prudence implies discretion and discernment. Not deception. In the course of interacting and conversing, you’ll divulge interests, dreams and experiences. You needn’t articulate your financial status to impart values and lifestyle choices. Common denominators are evident and discourse will proceed organically and deepen in time (if apropos). It isn’t necessary to tell all overnight.

~princesse
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
5,012
1,969
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#32
In Africa, it is very obvious who are those who 'have' and those who 'have not' and often its along racial lines. But sometimes its not always good to assume.

the very poor live in huts or out on the street and the rich and priveliged live in barbed wire compounds.
a typical greeting in african countries might be 'do you have money?' because most people dont, and are in huge debt, and need money just to survive.
if you are a tourist you will be a target because obviously you DO have money. But if you have money, it doesnt mean you always have to give it away right there and then to anyone who asks.

be wise where your money is spent. If you are going to help the poor, and its a good thing to do so, dont just randomly give your money away. DO something with it. Jesus said if you have two coats, give one away to someone who has none. often people need things other than money.

But saying that, money can buy a proper well and pumps or a tank and pipes for people who dont have any drinking water. not just for the missionaries that live there..for the whole village. if they want water that is, and you dont buy a whole lot of well materials and find out it doesnt even get built, or it gets half built but the person receiving the money goes and spends half of it on themselves.