Need advice: I have a crush on a married friend. He acts a little weird around me.

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bojack

Well-known member
Dec 16, 2019
2,309
1,006
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#21
Jus sayin. I've seen some women who are just attracted to married men .. Some to powerful men .. One in particular at Duke power company who targeted supervisors or superintendents .. She was single and ruined a couple marriages I knew .. One was happily married and faithful before she targeted him and when his wife give birth to their twins she showed up at the hospital and caused trouble, and he had tried to break it off several times .. Next she came and threw herself at my boss daily for about 6 mo before she moved on to another .. It was so obvious we all give him a hard time about it .. She was smart but sick and still at it when I left there .. And like I've said before ''all men are potential dogs'' .. God hates divorce and it comes with a high price to all the victims .. Remember Joseph and Potifar's wife, she caused trouble and Joseph had run away ..
I'm pretty liberal on divorce as far as abuse towards one or the other goes .. There's some wives I've seen could not be satisfied, God would just have to forgive me before I'd put up with that crap and constant drip forever ..
 
Feb 9, 2020
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#22
You're obsessed with him and he knows it and he's trying to keep his distance. He belongs to his wife now. Do not covet your neighbor's possessions..

Exodus 20:17 NIV:
You shall not covet your neighbor's wife(or husband), or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."
These words sting, but I know that you wouldn't say them if they weren't true. I will keep a distance and forget about him. Thank you.
 

GaryA

Truth, Honesty, Love, Courage
Aug 10, 2019
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#23
What I am about to say/write is not intended to be as cold and harsh as it will probably come across. Somewhere between "I need to be honest with myself..." and "I need to nip this in the bud..." - it is [only] offered as a possible resolution to your current dilema.

1) You had your chance.
2) You lost it. (he married)
3) Now it is time to move on.


This does not mean that he and you can never be friends; however, it is possible - maybe probable - that he will only feel comfortable around you after he is certain that you no longer see him as a "love interest" -- you must focus your energies on finding the man who is meant for you - or, at the very least, shifting your focus away from him.

In order to preserve this friendship, you may have to give it up for awhile.

I hope this makes sense to you.
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#24
These words sting, but I know that you wouldn't say them if they weren't true. I will keep a distance and forget about him. Thank you.
I'm sorry. I realized after I posted it that it did sound kind of harsh. My apologies. And I know it's not easy to cure a crush or stop being attracted to someone. Wish you the best.
 
M

MegMarch

Guest
#25
He is a married man, and it is best for yourself, and others involved, if you let go. Easier said than done, but fix your thoughts on what is true, honorable, pure, and lovely. As you allow God to continually renew your mind, you will be set free and able to focus on other things.

I would not recommend you speak to him or his wife about this. Also, this is a mental and spiritual discipline that will apply to other areas of your life as well. Wish you the best!
 
Feb 9, 2020
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#26
I'm sorry. I realized after I posted it that it did sound kind of harsh. My apologies. And I know it's not easy to cure a crush or stop being attracted to someone. Wish you the best.
No need to apologize - I appreciate your willingness to be honest. God bless you!
 
Aug 2, 2009
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#27
No need to apologize - I appreciate your willingness to be honest. God bless you!
God bless you too! And based on the things you mentioned, I think you're probably someone that a lot of guys would be very blessed to have as their special someone. So don't give up hope. (y)
 
Feb 9, 2020
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#28
He is a married man, and it is best for yourself, and others involved, if you let go. Easier said than done, but fix your thoughts on what is true, honorable, pure, and lovely. As you allow God to continually renew your mind, you will be set free and able to focus on other things.

I would not recommend you speak to him or his wife about this. Also, this is a mental and spiritual discipline that will apply to other areas of your life as well. Wish you the best!
I believe you are right, this is a discipline that will certainly impact other areas of my life. It is difficult and painful thing, but God can use this experience for my growth and His glory. <3
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
10,464
2,692
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#29
I do have one more question, though: I said that the comparison comments stopped, and although that's mostly true, if I ever am compared to/referenced to anyone, it's him, even if he's not in the same room. It kind of puts everything back in my face again. What should I do during those moments?
hi! so many have given great advice. this part intrigued me. my personal opinion, if someone again does the comparison, you can say something like, "I'm an individual. I'm me, and no one else. I am who God created me to be." maybe you can find a nicer way to say it though.

I'm not a nice person, so I can be blunt with people if they do something I don't like lol!
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
42,598
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#30
hi! so many have given great advice. this part intrigued me. my personal opinion, if someone again does the comparison, you can say something like, "I'm an individual. I'm me, and no one else. I am who God created me to be." maybe you can find a nicer way to say it though.

I'm not a nice person, so I can be blunt with people if they do something I don't like lol!
You are indeed a very nice person. :)
 

Belka

Junior Member
Aug 24, 2017
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#31
@alittlelonger Hey there! I just want to say that you seem like a very lovely, intelligent, and considerate young woman and that I am sure the Lord will bless you with a husband at some point (only He knows when); so don't worry about this guy... I know what it's like to have a crush on the wrong person and it can be very painful and take a while to fade, but it IS possible to get over it and it WILL happen once you truly give it up to God and ask Him to take it away from you. So be encouraged, sister!

As the others have said, I would encourage you to try and avoid seeing him/thinking about him, and do your best to focus on other things and seek the Lord in this... He is your best Helper in this! And He is so faithful, He will help you get over this situation, and one day, you'll look back and not feel a thing. It'll be like a dream.

Stay strong! You are beautiful and there is someone out there for YOU!
Bless you <3
 

Princesse

Active member
Feb 16, 2020
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#32
A few years ago I worked on the launch team for The Happy Wives Club. The book chronicles one woman’s search to find happily married women like herself. I was blessed by their input and suggestions and was one of the few unmarried persons on the team. My experience mentoring women in relational matters made me a good fit.

One of the resounding comments they shared was the necessity of bidding adieu to the past and nurturing the union. They addressed previous connections with the opposite sex. Many acknowledged their decision to develop new friendships as a couple going forward. Their advice resonated with me and I adopted a similar stance.

As a single woman, it’s my responsibility to exercise discrimination in my relations and be mindful of where I share my heart. Outside of professional development, I’m unlikely to seek guidance from men. Let alone a single man. To expect both to engage intimately without consequence is unrealistic. Sharing creates an environment where feelings can bloom.

Unlike some, I don’t believe God would lead me to the situation you’ve described. I’ve seen too many instances of over familiarity which left one person hurt or feeling friend zoned. And if I found myself developing feelings for someone functioning as a leader or guide, I would seek input elsewhere. Emotional boundaries are a must in mentor/mentee relations.

I think the elephant in the room is the thing you haven’t mentioned. How would you feel if you were in her shoes? Would you welcome the other’s desire to “spill the beans” to your spouse? How would the revelation enrich your relationship? Would you brush it off or take offense?

Few women would entertain the same and most would view it in a negative guise. You’d be seen as manipulative, a home wrecker, or someone who couldn’t move beyond her feelings. There’s no upside to that disclosure and I suggest you don’t. Given the environment and value most accord to marriage, it won’t go well.

The awkwardness you’ve referenced is the reassignment of position you’ve been given. You can’t rekindle the connection. He’s placed a barrier for a reason. Much like the women I mentioned in my comments.

A prudent person wouldn’t knowingly entertain a connection with someone who desired them. There’s no way around that. You need to let him go. The downside of its continuance is further hurt. I’m willing to bet she knows. I’d leave him alone.

If you insist on following through, the likelihood of it remaining between you is slim. They’ll inform another (read: pastor) or confide in a woman and ask her to speak with you. The probability of a negative response from him is another factor. Forcing the issue may not yield the outcome you’re expecting.

I would move on and put him behind me.
 

fizzyjoe

Well-known member
Oct 22, 2018
568
401
63
#33
Hi, guys! I am entirely new to this forum, but I wanted to ask for advice from people who love Jesus. I'm sorry, it's a bit long.

I will try to make this as brief as possible without revealing too much information. About 4 or 5 years ago, I entered a church community via my college and met a few new friends. One of these people was the guy I'm writing about now (let's call him Sam). Sam is a little bit older than me, and had the role of a mentor, so I only saw him as a teacher/big brother for a very long time. Over time, though, I started to realize I was developing a crush on him. As someone inexperienced in romance, I had to recognize that these feelings weren't as gross and evil as I thought they were, because we were both adults, Sam was single (at the time), and I am just human. Still, I didn't make any moves to tell him or show it - I figured the feelings would just pass.

Although I didn't tell anyone, a lot of friends began to notice that we were (apparently) similar to each other, and began to make comments about it. If I made a joke, someone pointed out that Sam was rubbing off on me. If I mentioned a favorite movie, a mutual friend pointed out that it was Sam's favorite, too. When I mentioned loving a certain video game series, a friend told me that Sam loved it, too, and she wouldn't want us to "miss out" on the chance to bond over it. Someone once said we were literally the same person during a dinner with friends, and I tried not to die/feel as embarrassed as I did. I didn't try to emulate him; it just so happened that we were the same kind of nerdy and had similar personalities.

I think that it made Sam feel a bit uncomfortable around me. During a church conference, while were getting in our seats, he quietly moved aside so that the friend behind him would sit beside me instead. (That friend looked very confused, but didn't ask questions.) After a dance, as I was leaving, he followed after me as if to say something, but wound up looking a little frustrated, and asked if I just wanted to take a picture.

Fast forward a bit of time. Sam started to date someone in our church. They got married. Of course it stung, but they are so sweet together, and his wife is a truly beautiful person, inside and out. The comparison comments stopped, but not before a visitor to the church assumed that I was Sam's fiance, and it took some embarrassing explanation on my part. Over time, I am learning to get over these feelings I have for him, and accept God's plan for him.

But here's the thing: he still seems to be noticeably uncomfortable around me. For the longest time, I thought I was just being self-centered/delusional, but it's becoming clear that I'm not just imagining things. Sam kind of flinches when he sees me, and doesn't speak to me as easily as he does to other friends. It is really weird and hard to explain, but he will sort of avoid crossing paths with me if we are in the same room. I know that he doesn't hate me: A friend told me that Sam does have an affinity for me, and that he agrees that we are very much alike. A while ago, he wrote a little note on a birthday card and told me that he enjoyed speaking with me and found our conversations "refreshing". But I just don't understand if I have done something wrong, or how to navigate this; we have too many overlapping social circles to keep ignoring it.

He still smiles when he is sees me, and will say hello, but he always looks a little tense. I just want to be able to get over my feelings for him, and to be able to have a friendly relationship with my brother in Christ. My initial guess is that it was obvious that I liked him, and it made him feel uneasy.

Thanks for reading, and God bless.
It sounds a lot like a scenario where you don't quite realize your feelings until the person is taken, I once did the same, had a friend who I never ever thought of romantically or love interes for that matter but, years later when I thought about her I thought we could be a nice couple since we were such good friends but, it was too late...
It hurts a little but, if you think about it, when you wait until the last minute so to speak to express feelings then you are bound to not have that possibility anymore, best thing to do is leave him and his wife be and don't force yourself to talk, remember how things were before you started to have feelings for him and you can probably be great friends again and maybe have a small meeting with your church social group or pastor in private discussing that you are uncomfortable with the comparisons and dragged on drama between you and this guy, none of you should have to be put through that, if they care about you all they'll listen and quit, if not then consider leaving the church because it does seem some people in the congregation have a knack for creating drama as well as continuing it, hope this helps😀
 
L

Locoponydirtman

Guest
#34
Hi, guys! I am entirely new to this forum, but I wanted to ask for advice from people who love Jesus. I'm sorry, it's a bit long.

I will try to make this as brief as possible without revealing too much information. About 4 or 5 years ago, I entered a church community via my college and met a few new friends. One of these people was the guy I'm writing about now (let's call him Sam). Sam is a little bit older than me, and had the role of a mentor, so I only saw him as a teacher/big brother for a very long time. Over time, though, I started to realize I was developing a crush on him. As someone inexperienced in romance, I had to recognize that these feelings weren't as gross and evil as I thought they were, because we were both adults, Sam was single (at the time), and I am just human. Still, I didn't make any moves to tell him or show it - I figured the feelings would just pass.

Although I didn't tell anyone, a lot of friends began to notice that we were (apparently) similar to each other, and began to make comments about it. If I made a joke, someone pointed out that Sam was rubbing off on me. If I mentioned a favorite movie, a mutual friend pointed out that it was Sam's favorite, too. When I mentioned loving a certain video game series, a friend told me that Sam loved it, too, and she wouldn't want us to "miss out" on the chance to bond over it. Someone once said we were literally the same person during a dinner with friends, and I tried not to die/feel as embarrassed as I did. I didn't try to emulate him; it just so happened that we were the same kind of nerdy and had similar personalities.

I think that it made Sam feel a bit uncomfortable around me. During a church conference, while were getting in our seats, he quietly moved aside so that the friend behind him would sit beside me instead. (That friend looked very confused, but didn't ask questions.) After a dance, as I was leaving, he followed after me as if to say something, but wound up looking a little frustrated, and asked if I just wanted to take a picture.

Fast forward a bit of time. Sam started to date someone in our church. They got married. Of course it stung, but they are so sweet together, and his wife is a truly beautiful person, inside and out. The comparison comments stopped, but not before a visitor to the church assumed that I was Sam's fiance, and it took some embarrassing explanation on my part. Over time, I am learning to get over these feelings I have for him, and accept God's plan for him.

But here's the thing: he still seems to be noticeably uncomfortable around me. For the longest time, I thought I was just being self-centered/delusional, but it's becoming clear that I'm not just imagining things. Sam kind of flinches when he sees me, and doesn't speak to me as easily as he does to other friends. It is really weird and hard to explain, but he will sort of avoid crossing paths with me if we are in the same room. I know that he doesn't hate me: A friend told me that Sam does have an affinity for me, and that he agrees that we are very much alike. A while ago, he wrote a little note on a birthday card and told me that he enjoyed speaking with me and found our conversations "refreshing". But I just don't understand if I have done something wrong, or how to navigate this; we have too many overlapping social circles to keep ignoring it.

He still smiles when he is sees me, and will say hello, but he always looks a little tense. I just want to be able to get over my feelings for him, and to be able to have a friendly relationship with my brother in Christ. My initial guess is that it was obvious that I liked him, and it made him feel uneasy.

Thanks for reading, and God bless.
Well, he is married move on. Make new friends.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
2,082
1,330
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#35
Do you really think that this local body that you are a part of is the only place on earth where you can be?

Picking up your cross is about sacrifices. Sure leaving your friends and relationships will hurt at first and require adjustment but adjustment is certainly possible.

besides, it's not like they're dying or anything. You can still email, call, write letters and get together for meals, etc. With those members in the church that you've forged relationships.


Certainly pray about it and I'd recommend talking to whomever is familiar with the dynamics at the church and ask them for advice about leaving and your reasons for doing so. I've sacrificed a lot in order to be appropriate. It hurts sometimes...a LOT.

Don't sacrifice for the sake of it, but if awkward situations can linger for an incredibly long time. The problem might solve itself and they may move away, but you can also take the first step yourself. It seems clear that the boundaries in your own heart need some type of guarding.

If you can afford it financially and are able to communicate to those around you enough to maintain a support network, I'd consider asking the Lord for direction in seeking a new local body. It's difficult to move away from one's home church but it also allows you to see the body in a broader sense and I much prefer this view vs the insular sense. The way is narrow but it isn't 100-1000 people. It's global :)
 

SoulWeaver

Senior Member
Oct 25, 2014
4,889
2,534
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#36
He might feel uncomfortable both since he noticed your feelings and has low emotional intelligence and is clumsy about drawing boundaries, and also since people were commenting on you two so much even saying you're fiancees, most likely there was a lot of gossip, and he's simply steering clear to protect both his marriage and you from gossip. Of course it wasn't evil to fall in love as a single, with another single, at the time, and you see clearly that you must let go of any feelings; that's all good and no problem, if I understood well, you just wonder how to fix the weirdness. Unfortunately, the dynamics between you two will stay weird because he knows you had a crush on him, and also people have ruined it for you by flapping their mouths, destroying any possibility for transitioning to a normal acquaintance. He's married now so talking this over would be inappropriate, in other words there's really no way for you to fix it, and he isn't expecting you to either. It's apparent he still sees you with kindness, he's just guarding his marriage. You're probably best off finding another community.
 

JesusLives

Senior Member
Oct 11, 2013
14,554
2,176
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#38
Maybe try and look at it in another way. Sam was just not that into you. If he had been you would be his wife as he would have had mutual feelings toward you. But with him marrying someone else it is quite obvious that Sam did not have those feelings toward you.

The uncomfortable tense issues around you could have been from church members trying to push you two together and Sam not being into you felt uncomfortable and tense and then maybe tried to avoid you when he could probably trying not to be mean about it.

For whatever reason Sam did not have the same feelings as you did and he married someone that he loved and was into. In short Sam was just not that into you so try not to obsess over him and find the guy that will be into you as it is so nice to have a man love you as much as you love him and with God at the head of the household that is the best match.

Pray for Sam and his wife and pray for the guy that God wants you to be with that will be really into you.
 
Jan 9, 2020
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#39
I wouldn't get as extreme as leaving your church, unless it calls for that because you can't control yourself. But just put severe distance between the two of you until your feelings subside and stop thinking on the "good times" that just re-affirms those feelings. Just stop remembering anything about him, and stop feeling that he was the only one for you, obviously he wasn't or god would've worked things out where both of you ended up married....

As the old adage goes plenty of fish, there is no "one" person especially with true christians, you could technically make it work out with 9 out of 10 and be just as happy with each of them, as much as we like to hold on the hopeless romantic feelings of love.
 
Mar 25, 2020
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#40
Hi , Welcome and God Bless .. My advice is to confess to both him and his wife straight faced preferably both at the same time what you confessed here then keep your distance.. That should help keep all three of you on your toes and from messing up 3 lives ... His wife is responsible for performing all her wifely duties to him in bad times and in good not you .. Nip it ..
Although I don't think I would tell either of them any time soon, I have sincerely wondered if it would be best if I just spilled the beans, especially if it's already an obvious and awkward thing. But I have never felt like doing that would be appropriate; I really want to respect their marriage and not introduce my own weird feelings into the mix. Maybe many years from now, when it's something everyone can laugh at, I'll be able to.
I think you are right, that it wouldn’t be appropriate to tell her husband that you are interested in him. But, it’s possible that you could pull his wife aside and speak with her privately, to keep her aware and keep all parties accountable; in addition to cutting off all contact with the both of them.

I also agree with a previous poster, that you should remove yourself from the church and find a new one. From a biblical standpoint, we see Joseph run from temptation with Potiphar’s wife. And the outcome seemed bleak for doing the right thing, but in reality God was growing Joseph for something much greater. We also see Jesus take an extreme standpoint when it comes to sin, saying it’s better to gouge out your eye and make it into heaven.

Feelings can be tricky, and even when you think you might be over him, something could trigger all the same emotions again. And sometimes you aren’t even aware of your emotions (like you said for yourself). So in my opinion, it truly is best to be completely removed from the situation and out of temptations way, find a new church, make new friends, and buckle down for a new journey. The new adventure might even help you completely forget this guy. Because, ultimately, no amount of spiritual growth is going to be worth that type of devastation. I’ll pray for you and the situation that God guides you and gives you strength🙏🤗