Do you want to outlive your spouse (to be), die before, or die after?

This is sort of a melancholic topic, but I think one that crosses our minds. There is such a beauty in love and one day we will all die. There are certain things to consider, maybe selfish, in the timing of our passing.

For me, when it comes to my future spouse and I, and our family, I would like to die in old age together side by side peacefully at the same time kinda like in the movie Bicentennial Man. For me this works because neither of us will grieve the passing of the other and by the time we die in old age our children while they may miss us will be adults (probably with their own immediate family).

I wouldn’t want either of us grieving the other. I realize this doesn’t seem to fully consider how the children will feel, but it does in that the timing (old age) will mean they are established in life.

What about you? Would you want to die before, after, or with your spouse? And, why? Maybe some would like to die after so that they are around to comfort and console their children in the passing of their parent? Or maybe you want to be the first to go, so you don’t have to deal with any of that sadness? Or like me, you’d like to pass peacefully together with your spouse in old age?

I am not sure how selfish any of these options are, only that someone is going to mourn for a life well lived. The impact you’ve made and love you have given. The people you have mentored, inspired, and encouraged.

The dying before option could be the most selfish, seemingly. Yet, someone could argue they don’t want to be a burden to their loved ones. I suppose I should mention that, in my desire for passing together in old age that we would be able bodied and with a sharp mind in old age (not being a burden to anyone).

Which option appeals to you?

PS: Married folk, feel free to express your desire.

Ecclesiastes 7:2 King James Version (KJV)
2 It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.

Sometimes considering these things, makes us appreciate the life we are living and enjoying the love we have and get to experience. Every day a blessing, and every moment savored.

bicentennial man?

Wasnt that a story about a robot?

sorry can you explain for those of us who havent seen the movie. When couples die together its mostly because both of them are involved in a head on car crash with no seatbelts....

You do know that you are in the singles thread? lol

LOL (laughing about my childhood recollection)! I saw this movie as a kid and apparently my memory of it is slightly off (just rewatched the scene, will show below). Yes, they died together side by side, but she died because she asked her nurse to unplug her. 👀 lol

Regardless, side by side in old age holding hands. I suppose I would imagine it happening in our sleep as we peacefully fade away.

Thread title does say “Spouse to be.” 🙂 Just what you desire in the future with your spouse and life.

Gotta get a spouse first... then I'll let you know

Yes, from the movie Bicentennial Man.

You can still answer the question, can’t you? 😄 It’s never crossed your mind for when you do find your spouse, growing old together? Desiring to age gracefully? Being healthy in old age? Living a long life together? And obviously and eventually, passing away. You don’t have a preference in passing? Ponder it maybe? 🙂

Yeah, but he's talking about a partner dying before he or she has one. lol...

Oh sorry. I'm steal working on the "getting to know you"part...

How would that possible cross anyone's mind when they first meat. If a woman even hinted the she thought of my death when we first met? lol...

I'd rather just die alone without ever finding anyone. And I probably will.

Without even giving it a try?

I figured it’s something people ponder. I mean, haven’t you thought of one day finding a spouse and growing old together? I don’t think it’s as out there as you’re making it seem. 🙃

Could it be the difference between a person believing in “the one” and another person just finding a person they are compatible with? Maybe it’s easier to envision the future and such options when the reality of it is, well, real? Where as you can’t imagine a future without having a frame of reference (the actual spouse)? Even then, in the hope of finding a spouse, I would think it’s imaginable.

I didn’t think I would get these type of responses, it’s actually very surprising! I figured @Pipp was just being funny, but then you tagged along with her and shared her sentiment.

I can’t believe that you’ve never thought of growing old with someone, at the very least, but maybe it’s a new question to you of whether you would rather die first, last, or together?

Thinking upon it now, do you think you have a preference?

Hey Ben,

Thanks for a string of very thought-provoking threads... I would guess that dying together is probably preferable but it's so unlikely that I don't even really consider it.

I think we've all seen those lists of Top Ten Most Stressful Life Events, and the first two (at least on the lists I've seen) are always 1. the death of a spouse, and 2. divorce.

Having already been through one of them (divorce,) I'd rather not go through the other if I don't have to, but that's up to God. As morbid as it sounds, when I was going through my divorce, there were many times I wished it was me dying instead or, if it was his time to die, at least I wouldn't have to think about him being with someone else. That was the hardest part for me -- knowing he already had someone who was right here doing all the things with him that we used to do, and I was trying to learn to live alone.

For me, thinking about my spouse passing on to heaven is a lot easier than knowing a spouse has willfully left you because they no longer love you, but someone else. I would personally rather choose death -- no contest.

Ironically, I do think that many long-term singles are developing a built-in skill set that married people might not have as time goes by. As I'm getting older, I'm encountering people I looked up to when I was younger who are now finding out what the "'til death do us part" vow really means. I remember one man telling me, after his wife died, "I'm an orphan now," as well as others who said they wished or expected to die soon after their spouse. But they didn't. And somehow, they had to find a way to keep on living.

I know some people will find this to be a ridiculous example, but several years ago, I had a chance to spend a few days at Walt Disney World (on a deeply discounted ticket) and I spent 2 days there alone. I drove myself, walked the very long distances between parking lots, attractions, and parks, and was surrounded by a mecca of happy families, couples showing way too much PDA, and, from what I could see (though I'm sure there were a few,) not a single fellow solitary soul who was trying to navigate this Happy Family Wonderland by herself. It also was a double whammy to me because Disney World had been where I'd gone on my honeymoon. As I walked around the park, I wondered if my ex had ever taken his new wife there, too. Each day I was there, I arrived an hour before they opened and stayed for an hour after they closed, so I was literally there all day, each day, and then some.

But I got through it (and I know it's probably something most won't understand,) and I was like, "Ok. If I can survive a place like that by myself in this couple-oriented world, I'm going to find a way to make it."

God brought me through the nightmare of having someone with you one day who's supposed to be your life partner and then gone the next, and I feel that part of my calling now is to try to help others who are going through the same thing. I had lunch a while back with a woman who lost her husband a few years ago and she told me she could never eat out by herself. She might be a few decades older than I am, but I've been going places by myself for 20 years, and she was just now trying to get used to it. This is what I wish married people would remember when they try to "counsel" singles -- every married person has a 50/50 chance of one day being single themselves. We singles have a unique, albeit slightly macabre, ability in learning to live life alone that we can use to help others who are now trying to adjust to a life alone.

This is my long way of saying that if God leads me to get married again, I sure hope I'm the one to die first. I really don't want to have to go through the loss of a life partner yet again, but God knows best, and maybe others around us would need things to go differently.

One thing I've learned about myself is that as long as there are new things to learn (and there always will be,) and people who are willing to discuss them and share their own experiences (thank God for chats and forums like this,) I'm going to find a way to make it through.

Even though I admit that God has to drag me kicking and screaming the entire way.

I am waiting to see how annoying my love is before answering. Lol Of course growing old together is the goal....but if he ends up being an annoying old fellow...I might ask the Lord to bring me on home . My answer was honestly just a joke.

When I read the Disney part I definitely found it quirky at first. I then considered that while you think some will consider it ridiculous, I realized that was your way of coping. It should rather be looked at with compassion.

Thanks for sharing Seoulsearch. 🙂

I’m not sure which reaction I want to give this response. 😅 I clicked one, canceled it, put another, and canceled it. Lol 🤔

So the goal, for you, is to grow old, but if he somehow is an annoying old fellow, you choose the die first option. Annoyance equals “take me now Lord.” Lol 😳