Online friendships

Hi my brothers and sisters I had in mind to create this due to my past experiences since being on social media over the past 2 years.I have experienced the sweetness of creating friendships online yet I have also experienced the pain of friendships dying too.There seems to be a stronghold of rejection going on where people get hurt,tricked by cheap words of acceptance which may not happen in the same way in real life.Yet we all have different experiences.Some people manage to create nice interactions online and others really struggle.So that are your views of online friendships?.They do have risks like someone withdrawing themselves and not responding to you after you had built up a rapport with then,mis understandings in messages as things like tone ect are missing from typed comments.Yet they do have positives too..sometimes online personalities may shine more and even be even more attractive because they interact in a particular way.May people use emojis or avatars instead of ther real pics..would it ruin your pre built up perception of them having built up a great rapport online to actually see what the look like in a photo...or in real life..??.Do you find it easier to make online connections more than real life..??This forum is all online..so what have your experiences been in terms of making actual friends?..

I would say it’s a lot easier for me to talk and get my ideas out than it is in real life, but I also know there are many problems like you mentioned when it comes to online friendships. But I think there is nothing entirely wrong with them, everyone just has to be honest and don’t lie, which I know is easy to do on the Internet, but if someone is legit wondering if I’m lying, I would be glad to prove that I’m not, I’m used to some online interactions since I used to be on MAL (I still have my MAL, but just for updating my anime list) and I still have my Instagram, you just learn things the more time passes with online interactions, lol.

I would say my biggest problem is forgetting to respond to people, and I know I basically just left the MAL (Myanimelist) forums because I just lost interest when people left some of the clubs and from my own change in interests. I see myself being on CC for awhile though, cause I like seeing opinions and it is has been fun/cool to talk to other Christians that are okay with my nerd hobbies. Cause it’s hard to find, especially for me, Christians that are nerds because it’s usually the nerds hate Christianity or you have the Christians who are so extreme they wouldn’t be sure if you’re a true believer if you like stuff they consider to be “not Christian”. I’m glad this website proved to me that there are more nerdy Christians than I was aware of, lol.

Hi thanks for responding.yes you are right that there are many good thing being on C.C and you also get to chst about stuff and get people's views ect about a wide scope of things which you most probably wouldn't get to see in that way in real life.Plus people do react to each others views and comments within threads and there is a healthy degree of respect around here dispite the other issues of heated discussions ect.😊
Yes i understand when you say you sometimes you forget to respond to others...especially if you're getting loads of notifications constant bombarding you.I used to get that from others but not because they forgot or were too busy..it waa just them Being indifferent towards me.Sometimes they would even acknowledge others and leave me out...👎👎👎Great that you have been using online interactions for a while and it's becime a popular way for people to engage with others plus unexpected romances blossom too

Hi Encouragement,

Thanks for the very thoughtful thread.

I feel like I need to apologize to long-term members here, as I tell this story often. I grew up writing to pen pals. When I was about 15, a girl I had been writing for a long time came from across the country to visit; in my early 20's, a girl I had been writing to from Japan came to visit with her best friend. What amazes me most when I look back is that we were able to somehow set up these meetings without Googling each other's background information, and we had each other's real names and addresses from the very first letters. The visit from my Japanese pen pal was arranged entirely through paper letters that took 2-3 weeks to get to their destination each way, without a single phone call. This was long before the internet, so there was no instantaneous chatting, video communication, or social profiles. All we had to go on were paper letters, photos, and a sense of trust.

I have been wanting to get back into the snail mail pen pal community, but it has changed so much. Back then, no one thought twice about giving out their real name and address as they wrote and connected with others. Now days, you're advised to have a post office box (which can get pricey,) then are expected to turn the envelope into a work of art (because everyone wants to show off their mail on Instagram,) and because of this, you always run the risk of someone showing off your name and/or address to the world as they post everything about their lives online. Holy Toledo. I'm actually wondering if it's even worth the risk anymore.

But because I have been making connections through writing all my life, I'm also very comfortable seeing it as just another medium for meeting people that has the same ups and downs of real-life friendships. Ghosting is always hard either way, whether it's you or the other person who backs away, but people in real life disappear on each other all time, too.

For several years, God has actually sustained my sense of social connection solely through internet and long-distance connections. I went through a time where for some reason, He kept me from making any friends in real life, even though I was trying my best. I remember asking one lady at church I'd been talking to a bit if she wanted to go grab lunch, and she suddenly went from being extremely friendly to looking like I must have planted a bomb in her car. (Maybe I just look like a shady character.)

It's actually worked out well because when certain changes came in my life, my online friendships carried on without even a slight hiccup. And when the lockdowns hit for the pandemic hit, it was as if someone was telling me just to live the way I'd already been living for the past umpteen years. But I'm also a natural introvert so I realize this wouldn't work for everyone. I'm also very slow-paced compared to most people -- last year I was able to meet a few friends from CC that I have probably known for about 5-7 years, and it seemed to be the perfect timing. I usually had to travel for various reasons once or twice a year as it was, so now I try to see if there's anyone I can meet along the way (and vice versa, if they are going to be anywhere near me.)

But I always tell my family about it first, and if they have any hesitations, I try my best to listen. Many years ago, I was supposed to meet with someone (not from CC) but it didn't work out, and my Mom told me she'd had a feeling that I wasn't supposed to go, so if those around me aren't comfortable with my plans, I take that as God telling me no or to wait.

At the same time, I've had several friendships that lasted years and then abruptly end, and while it's always painful, it makes me think of an old saying: "When God closes a door, He opens a window."

If an online or real-life connection ends, I try my best to mentally reframe it as God telling me I need to direct my focus elsewhere.

I guess that can be one of the exciting things about life?

We never quite know where the journey (God) is taking us... Or who He might be leading us to.

For me Ive had many experiences both positive and negative, but I try to be friendly to everyone I interact with (not always possible, sometimes you kind of have to bite your tongue a bit, which is where the ignore button comes in handy)

The good thing about online friendships is learning about people who are different from you, live in a different country maybe, have different experiences of life or share common interests.

I used to have lots of penpals too but that has kind of fallen away! Its nice to know there are people who care about you from afar and want to wish you well.

I have met one or two online that have come to visit and also actually took up an invitation to come see me...and then theres wwwoofing thats online (also can be done via a book) where people actually open their home to people theyve never met before so, I think it depends on what you are using the internet for.

as the forum is a day to day thing with me and I enjoy writing I think it suits me, I find it much harder to express things on social media platforms like facebook feeds, preferring to use messenger for people that I know, and forum postings for deeper thoughts.

some people use reddit or quora but I dont go on those. I dont do twitter or instagram. If people really wht to get in touch we exchange emails. Some forums dont like peoole doing that but I see no harm in it as people DO want to connect and stay in touch, and dont always have to do it on a forum or organised site.

About those closing doors:

Just because something has ended does not mean it was not important. It might have been good, right and necessary for the time... For you or the other person or both... And now there is no more need so the friendship comes to an end and you both move on to other friendships where you are needed, or where you need to be.

@seoulsearch
Hi thanks for your very interesting responce.Yes long before social media things were done via letter and sent photographs and the sense of trusting people was much greater on the past.Even having a phone in the home to call someone was a big thing.
Its great that over the years you have had various interactions and a range of experiences too.Nice you have your family there to seek advice or get their perspective in things I your life and being an introvert suits as you said certain dynamics of your life.
I can relate to Gods intervention in the development of friends either online or in real life.I am glad that I am not the only one who has experienced the difficulties associated with online friends coming to an end..(mostly from the other person..they just seem to change somehow)..
I found the account of the womans facial expression when you asked her out to lunch hilarious..🤣🤣
I have never actually met in person any one I have been interacting with as an online friend as most if them live abroad and mo if the interaction has been is email,Instagram messaging or WhatsApp.
Like you said one never really know where the journey is taking us..but with God being the driver..it can only end in a good place.
Great comment you provided for me to be reading through..👍👍

My experience is that I met my late second wife in an AOL Romance Christians Single chat room and met my 3rd (and last) wife on Christian Chat. I believe that you can really get to know someone online without the pressure of immediately trying to connect. When responding to a post or a conversation you can take your time to gather your thoughts before putting them in writing. Initially, it is less stressful to initiate a prospective relationship. What I always keep in mind is that these are real people that I am communicating with and not just someone who is virtual that you can delete on a whim.

This is a statement of truth.

I am much more comfortable in writing, at least at first, rather than verbally communicating. My wife and I did a lot of snail mail before actually physically meeting. And of course, the nightly phone calls. Once I got to know her better my confidence in verbal conversation grew.

The only CC member that I met was WillieT as we lived close to each other. My wife and I had lunch with him and his wife quite a few times. Sadly, WillieT is no longer with us. He was about the same as how he portrayed himself in the forums. He was a very interesting and amusing man. And yes, very much a Christian and the same is true for his wife. Good peeps.

Hi love your responce.Ahhh you met your late 2nd wife on an online chat room and your present wife on here.Yes you can build up a lovely rapport with someone online and it does demand time to do this as in real life you just go out for meals ect..but online you in your home ect typing away on a screen.📱💻.
Plus online romances can at times give a person the opportunity to express themselves in ways they may not be able too in real life.Theres nothing better than meeting another person with a good heart towards you.
Yes I totally agree that it is a REAL person you are connecting with and they have thoughts and feeling too and there is always some kind of emotional connection when having an online friend..I have always valued any online friendships yet there have been times I have had to shut them down coz the other person become toxic..or just an insincere time waster...it has been sad at times doing this...but ones mental and emotional wellbeing must come 1st.👍
Cheers for your response..much appreciate it sir.😊😊

I'm very sorry to hear about Willie... I had wondered what happened to him.

Thank you for the update, Tourist.

May God comfort his family.

I fully agree and appreciate your thoughts on this topic of discussion. Just as in a physical relationship, sometimes things don't work out, i.e. toxic / insincere time waster, etc. Yes indeed, these are REAL people we are connecting with. What you have stated about how online romances can at times give a person the opportunity to express themselves in ways that they may not be able to in real life is right on target.

well it makes me smile to know that I am contributing something of value..it's good to give good responses and i alway appreciate your comments..✍🏻✍🏻
Also with online friends/romances you get time to set the pace and ask God to reveal the truth of the person you are investng your time with coz God knows what they are really about and its what's behind all the "social pleasantries" that you're really wanting to know.Some of us express ourselves in written format than verbally or Visa versa..You dont have to be Face to face online..so one can hide a little behind a wall of typed words to them..🤣🤣
Yes I do feel that you cant develop an online friendship without there being some kinds emotional attachment.It costs a lot if time and effort to get to know them and yes it can hurt when things fail...romance only have the advantage that you won't see them on the street...can still hurt though esp if you love them ect.

I met my husband online our relationship started as friends and we had a very long communication online before we got married. He's not a different person than he presented himself as. So there's that.

I also had very negative experiences with satanists who pretended to be Christians and stalked me online hacked my computer and tried to force me to produce videos for their (fake Christian) channel. So there's that, too.

I also have an experience with a particular Christian that was a good friend online to both me and husband actually, we became really good buddies! Since they were single, I was the listening ear that always encouraged them that they are valuable God will look out for them and find them the right spouse at the right time. Then they abruptly disappeared on both of us after they successfully started dating somebody and it seemed it would all go great for them. Then they disappear without so much as a goodbye - I've never heard of them since, it's been years. Made my husband more upset than me because he saw it as a backstab to me and he felt I was just used as a dumping ground for emotional negativity. How many times was I there for that person and they exclaimed we were good friends. I thought there was a friendship. Apparently not. Or maybe they are one of those people that when they date they become doormats so maybe the person they date doesn't want them to have friends... Whatever. It did upset me a little initially, but I don't care anymore.

There was another friend for years, she was husband's online friend from before we met, but then her and I started really getting along. She was the first person to call something was going on between us. After several years of friendship she started going cold on us, it was gradual you could feel it in the tone, finally no contact. I guess you never get explanations online.

Sometimes I broke friendships. There was one I broke because it was toxic and I let the person know that she needed to work through her issues it was too much for me. I noticed she had avoidant personality disorder and seemed to get a kick out of things you normally shouldn't be getting kick out of. It's very hard to explain this, it sounds like nothing without actually experiencing it, but she made situations really weird constantly. Like if we talk, and she's fixing to go offline or do something else, she can't just simply say "alright I gotta go" or ttyl, or something else a normal person would say. She would make a big deal every time about how she isn't available, the way she was talking was arrogant, as if she was a big important CEO that you should be grateful she cut in 2mins for you, basically she let you know every time you interact that her time was a lot more valuable than your time. Again, it's very hard to explain without experiencing it first hand. I got tired of it eventually and that was that. There were a few more friendships I made online but these shaped my views.

I think as a consequence I don't take people online anymore as seriously as I once was. I easily make friends, I have the attitude of a child and there's a certain danger in that. Except the friends I've already made, and I did make a few friends here, I find that I can't really get attached like I used to.

@SoulWeaver
Hi soulweaver this I'd the very reason why I create this post in the 1st place.Except for you meeting your husband online and being harassed by those satanists I have had the same kinda experience.I really began to think I was the only one and I just sensed there was a stronghold of rejection going on coz what you described happened to me so many times to he point when I just didn't trust anyone saying they value me bla bla bla.Coz I had constantly had just like what you experienced..you befriend then and be s good friend to them then.they just disappear without a word or become cold and distant or just have an impolite tone or like you said just say abruptly gotta go ect.
You husband has every right to think as he
did some people have completely selfish motives and just use you for personal gain and this guy did just that.Its never easy to get the right discernment of a person motives without the help of the holy spirit.
Often God gives me a sense about a person and how they interact can tell you a lot about their real motives.
Awww I think is great you met your husband online and I am sure the "getting to know you" stage must of been lovely at times.
The bible says bad company corrupts good character and yes as a result of what you went through how can you trust people and open up them again like before.Emotionsl distancing oneself is the only coping mechanism left and it it keeps you safe..then it's better.I get tried of the same old.",you're my friend"..then shortly afterwards they just withdraw and don't even bother to even read the last text I sent them..(yet in the beginning they said all the right things to make you think they were genuine..)yet are active online with everyone else.
I just switch off from them and put them in the box called "fake time wasters"..that box is pretty full now..🤣🤣
It was a blessing to go through this..👏🏻👏🏻

Yeah, don't you wish people were more honest and vocal about their expectations and feelings instead of just keeping quiet and assuming everyone can read their minds. I don't know about you but I'm Aspergers and it makes social interaction more difficult for me. I feel like I'm 20 years retarded in reading social cues and I am just now seeing by a lot of introspection and analysis, things that normal person understands by instinct I have to get there by hard thinking. Sometimes I expect something to be said when it's kind of an unwritten social "contract" that nothing gets mentioned, so I always have to think hard and double check myself, if I am being reasonable. I wonder about you, but maybe it's not just online, maybe it's just getting older. People that are loyal friends are few and far in between. As you go you learn boundaries, for many of us, we don't like superficial connections, but I've kind of learned to apply a little distance, if you met me 10yrs ago I would have tried to make friends with half of the forum, but nowadays I am trying to accept things the way neurotypicals want it, the more so called "shallow" interaction. It doesn't go naturally to me though I still have to do a lot of self talk in that area, especially right now because my real life friends are on the opposite side of the globe. I miss the times with them.

Thanks for expressing your feelings and thoughts so very well.I guess people seldom expess what they expect ect coz they are introspective and are mostly driven by self forfillung needs.Also we do have an enemie who seeks to attack social interactions to hurt and establish insecurities in people lives..that's why I mentioned there seems to be a strong hold of rejection coz in the world of social media many are obsessed about how many followers,comments and likes they get ect..many constantly crave attention,affirmation and want the perfect selfie looking at the peak of physical perfection yet they are never satisfied and many have low self esteem..seeking to find wholeness in likes,hits ect..
Yez I remember you mentioning you were Aspergens as of course this would have an impact on social dynamics and yes many social rules are unspoken.so I yes it would be harder for you to analyse certain situations which must be hard for you in some instances.
Jesus had a few close to him and many were just acquaintances ect so I guess having a few close friends is a blessing to have.Seeking God to guide you to the right kinda individuals certainly helps and the bible does say a righteous person is cautious I friendships.So us keeping a little distance is wise too..
You are also blessed I that you are married so have that companionship and sharing life together which in itself is a good thing a opose to living alone.
Btw way it it really an age thing...more just a case of how life is really.. 👍

You are definitely right about that, it's muddling the waters.
The sad thing is no matter how many likes or affirmations someone gets if they don't have Jesus (healthy love that loves oneself and another) the likes won't make a difference, it's like throwing them into a bottomless pit, nothing really affirms, these people never become really satisfied, always craving more likes... you can't even accept love or likes coming from the outside unless love is inside of you. Jesus helped me a lot to regulate my expectations from people over time. I used to be expecting more and trying to build a friendship and things to be 50/50, now I more let things happen and let it go. It's definitely easier to approach social interaction as a giver than as a receiver. It's a lot less hurt, and a lot more power because you're governing yourself and have more self control.

Yes that's right about the craving for wanting more and this is rooted in feelings of a deep need to be valued and accepted..just a strong desire to feel appreciated and validated..thats a person can be obsessive about how many likes they get,comments they receive.They watch how many likes they got..ect and if it's not high enough they can feel deflated,rejected and unloved.Imagine if every thread you created in here and every comment you did...did'nt get any reactions whatsoever after weeks and weeks..it would naturally have an impact in some way or another..coz we all like to be liked and to be valued and rewarded for what we do for the sake of others..
Jesus is definitely the missing jigsaw in all of us..👏👏👏

Being a giver can also open us up for feeling rejected too as Jesus warned us not to give our pearls to swine ect..yet having a good nature is a wonderful thing to have and I guess giving with wisdom and being aware of peoples needs traps takes a good while to understand.We have both been through bad experiences with individuals online and we are both still here..alive and giving God thanks.👍👍😊😊😊😊

I think just like in offline life sometimes people can get a bit much, sometimes you need to listen and sometimes you just need to back off, I think there are all kinds of people but the needy ones that you encounter can drain you if you not careful.

or we could be the needy ones and be totally unaware of how we can be negatively depending on others.

with forums the good thing about it is if you need a listening ear (or person to read your thoughts) is, you dont have to PAY one person to be that listener.

the phenomenon of dedicated therapists in america is something that other nations dont even have because families are so big and people are socialised so closly, but in american culture, people get isolated and in their silos maybe because of vast distances and scattered nature of living in a huge country that its hard to make friends, everyone is pitted against each other sometimes it seems, trying to outdo each other. Now I know captilism may have its merits, but it can be a psychological minefield.

thats why theres books like 'how to make friends and influence people' so now you dont know if people want to be real friends with you or are just trying to sell you something!